Chapter 6: Hakutaku
"…" Hōzuki stood in Enma's court with his brow furrowed and dark circles under his eyes. His hair looked slightly unkempt.
"What's wrong Hōzuki-kun?" Enma asked, noticing the state he was in.
"I kinda stayed up all night yesterday…" Hōzuki said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, while Naomi wheeled over a cart of newly delivered scrolls with a cup of coffee balanced on top.
"Eh… Having a lack of sleep is bad for your complexion! You'll go bald." Enma said, watching as Hōzuki downed the cup of hot caffeinated liquid in one gulp.
"Go bald by yourself." Hōzuki retorted moodily, trading Naomi the empty cup for a scroll. She sweat-dropped and quietly took a step back, careful to keep herself outside the line of fire.
"I… I won't go bald." Enma said, as he flinched in shock, sweating nervously at the thought. He had meant it as a joke, but when Hōzuki said it, it sounded like a curse.
"Ah. I need to visit Shangri-La now." Hōzuki said as he read the scroll. "The medicine I ordered is done."
"Ahh, you're doing research on Sino-Japanese fusion medicine, aren't you? Thanks for the great work. Since it's medicine, you'll be meeting with Hakutaku-kun, right?" Enma asked. "That kid, he somewhat resembles you. In both looks and cheekiness."
"That, I've been told a lot, but it's a severe insult to me." Hōzuki stated sternly with a scowl on his handsome face.
"Ahh, it's always so refreshing to see fresh greenery and watch clear water running~" Naomi remarked with a serene smile on her face as she walked through Heaven with Hōzuki and Shiro and friends. It was so beautiful up there with all the flowers blooming in the gentle sunshine. Totally different from the stark, dark, and barren wastelands of Hell. She could really see why Shangri-La had been ranked one of the top one hundred best sceneries of this realm.
"Thanks for inviting me along, Hōzuki-sama!" Shiro said brightly. "I wonder how Momotaro is doing."
"Wow! As expected from a famous scenic spot!" Kakisuke exclaimed when they reached an overlook for a valley full of blossoming peach trees and fancy buildings with beautiful gardens.
"The buildings are so Chinese-styled!" Rurio remarked, perched on Hōzuki's shoulder.
"This place is on the border between Japan and China. As such, this is often the transaction spot for both parties." Hōzuki explained.
"Oh, that makes sense. Then, do they have a buffet with steamed buns?" Shiro asked.
"Oh, that sounds good! I've suddenly got a craving for beef lo-mein." Naomi said.
"… Why is an all-you-can-eat-buffet the first thing that comes to mind for you two when China is mentioned?" Hōzuki asked. "Well, at any rate… from here on out, you need to be on guard." He told Naomi. This was only her second visit to Heaven, so she hadn't met that thing yet. He had left her to talk with Momotaro in the peach orchard when he placed his order for the medicine the last time they were here.
"Why, is there something dangerous up ahead?" Naomi asked, taken aback.
"Yes, especially for you." Hōzuki replied seriously.
"Ahh…" Momotaro sighed contentedly as he plucked another ripe peach from the tree to add to his harvest. "It's so wonderful to have found my raison d'etre… I wonder what I was thinking in the past… I must have been really full of myself…" he said with a blissful expression on his face as he looked up at the clear sky. "This feeling, it feels like I could become a handsome dude, too." Naomi-san had said that he was looking much better the last time she was here with Hōzuki-san. He wondered if that meant he might have a shot with her? "To think that I was always trying to pick a fight… What a trouble maker I was…" he mused walking back to the house on the sentou farm, which also functioned as a pharmacy, with a full basket. "Hakutaku-sama." He said, sliding open the door. "I have finished harvesting the sen—"
ZOOM—THUNK!!
At that very moment, Hakutaku, who had just been thrown by his latest victim with all her might, came flying out and crashed headfirst into poor Momotaro.
'It hurts!!!' Momotaro thought as his boss's skull collided with his face with enough force to knock him off his feet and send him tumbling backwards. Hakutaku landed flat on his face with his arms splayed out on the sides.
"… Argh, seriously…" Hakutaku groaned, looking up. Momotaro could now see that his boss had a red handprint on the side of his face, and his nose was bleeding. "They're scary, women…" he said while the girl who had just thrown him walked off in a huff.
"… You're posing like a shachihoko right now…" Momotaro told him, cradling his stinging face and bleeding nose. Hakutaku's legs were arched over like just like the legendary animal's carp tail.
"Oh! Sentou?" Hakutaku asked when he saw the basket of spilled peaches, straightening up. "You harvested them? Xie xie! Thank you."
"Your welcome… This is the eight time I've seen this scene since I came here…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.
"Wrong, strictly speaking that makes the ninth." Hakutaku corrected him, standing up and brushing himself off. Momotaro paled slightly in disgust. "Isn't it strange? Rabbits mate and release their sexual tensions all year round, and no one gets made at them, yet all the girls get mad at me. Aren't we both playboys~" Hakutaku said with a shrug.
"No, it's not strange at all." Momotaro retorted.
"Ah. Sorry about that." Hakutaku said, brushing some of the dirt off of him as well. "Are you injured?"
"Oh. I'm fine, thanks for worrying." Momotaro said humbly. Hakutaku stared at the leaf that he had just removed from Momotaro's head. It was from a Chinese lantern plant.
"Do you know what this leaf is?" he asked him.
"What is it? Ah! It's hōzuki?" Momotaro said, using the Japanese name.
"Bingo!" Hakutaku said with a smirk. "It's a Physalis alkekengi, or hōzuki (oni/demon light). The English name is Chinese lantern. The kanji for 'oni' is the same as the character for 'ghost' in Chinese, thus it refers to the red paper lanterns carried by the dead. The roots are herbs, which can be used to make a diuretic or cough medicine. It's also poisonous, but not fatally. In the past, it was used by prostitutes to induce abortions, so this must not be eaten by pregnant women." He explained.
"Yes, it contains substances such as alkaloids and histone, so it could cause a miscarriage." Added a deep baritone voice.
"Yup, yup…" Hakutaku started to agree, freezing when he recognized it. His face paled and twisted into a frightening scowl. Blood started running from one of his nostrils as Hōzuki continued to speak.
"You should eat tons of it, so that all of your internal organs would be passed out." The oni said bluntly. Naomi smiled wryly and sweat-dropped.
"RUUUN!!! THIS GUY IS VENOMOUS!!" Hakutaku shouted as he spun around to face him, whipping his hand out to point straight at Hōzuki. "Beans! Get the…" he started to yell at Momotaro, when his eyes landed on Naomi.
ZING~
The moment his eyes met hers, it was like Cupid's arrow had pierced straight through his heart.
"Huh…? Oh! Hōzuki-san. Naomi-san." Momotaro said, greeting them.
"Naomi-san, huh~? What a beauty!" Hakutaku exclaimed, suddenly launching himself at her without warning. Naomi flinched in surprise, and the next thing he knew, the sole of Naomi's boot was crashing down on him, smashing his face into the ground beneath her heel.
"By the way, Naomi-san is my new secretary." Hōzuki calmly introduced her to Hakutaku, while Momotaro paled and stared at the kindhearted(?) girl in shock. As expected of a professional dominatrix, her first instinct had been to squash the perverted beast like the insect he was. In 0.5 seconds flat, she had managed to fracture Hakutaku's thick skull, bruise his ego, and crush his heart with one blow.
"Sorry, but… It's my personal policy not to allow strange perverts to enter within more than two feet of my personal space." She informed Hakutaku with a radiant shit-eating grin, remaining professionally aloof. She was used to being approached by perverts because of her job, but her intuition told her this guy was dangerous… Plus, he gave off the same feeling as her ex, so she knew he was a womanizer right away, without Hōzuki having to say anything. But Hakutaku wasn't going down without a fight. He struggled to lift his head a little and managed to catch a glimpse up her kimono. He smirked evilly.
"Tutuanna's Par—"
"Shut up!?" Naomi snapped, blushing furiously, as she punted his head like a soccer ball to kick him away before he could finish revealing what kind of underwear she had on. 'I really need to start wearing leggings instead of knee-high stockings!' she thought, feeling super embarrassed. Well, at least it hadn't been 'shark week'…
'So it's the 'Paris' bra and panties set by Tutuanna today…' Hōzuki thought with a straight face, while Momotaro blushed. There had been a recent article featuring that brand in a men's magazine for some reason (though Hakutaku recognized it for a different reason)… So they new it was a cute and sexy set in pastel pink with pale stripes overlaid with a Parisian-themed pattern in chocolate-brown and medium pink with some tasteful lace bordering, small ruffles, and tiny chocolate-brown bows on the panties' hips and the center of the bra.
"Ah… It hurts… but I saw something really nice…" Hakutaku groaned in pain, twitching. Momotaro sweat-dropped. He definitely deserved that one.
"Momotaro! I came to play! Woof! Woof!" Shiro said excitedly, breaking the tension by running over to his friend with the monkey and pheasant.
"Oh~ Shiro! Kakisuke! Rurio!" Momotaro said happily, surprised to see that the whole gang was there.
"How are you, Momotaro?" Kakisuke asked.
"I'm fine, I'm fine! How about you~ Haven't you put on weight?" Momotaro asked his furry friends with a smile.
"How's work?" Shiro asked.
"It's going great. I'm even learning about medicine. In today's world, you really need a fallback trade… solid qualifications and special skill-sets to survive a bad economy." Momotaro said with a very satisfied and enlightened expression on his face, clenching his fist.
"Tell me about it." Naomi said wryly. Your fortunes could change just as fast as the weather if you weren't careful.
"You've become so mature, Momotaro!" Shiro praised him.
"Hakutaku-sama, China's celestial beast, is teaching me the power of traditional Chinese medicine." Momotaro explained while Hakutaku picked himself up and brushed himself off again.
"Ni Hao~" Hakutaku greeted the animals with a smile and a wave.
"He's really amazing." Momotaro said. "I doubt there's any medicine he doesn't know."
"Whoa~" Shiro said, impressed.
"Ah." Naomi gasped, covering her mouth. "Then the person we came to see is…" she asked, glancing at Hōzuki.
"The one you just kicked." Hōzuki answered coolly with a straight face, causing her to flinch in shock.
"Eh? Oh no… how should I apologize…?" she asked nervously, wondering if she had just made an enemy out of someone important. Why didn't he stop her before it was too late!?
"There's no need." Hōzuki told her. "Rather, I felt like applauding… the way you ground his face into the dirt was beautiful." He said with a serious gleam in his eye.
"… Huh?" Naomi said, sweat-dropping, as she tilted her head to the side in confusion. So he wasn't mad at her? Did that mean… Wow, these two must really not get along!
"I wonder when I will be able to develop a medicine under my own name." Momotaro said wistfully, blissfully unaware of their little side conversation.
"Momotaro brand millet dumplings?" Hakutaku suggested with a smile.
"You mean that futuristic tool that turns animals obedient?" Naomi asked with a wry smile, sweat-dropping again, as she remembered seeing a certain blue robot cat pull that out of his pocket before.
"Those already exist." Hōzuki stated, referencing the same episode of Doraemon. When an animal was fed one, they would instantly like whoever fed it to them. "Animals can be broken just fine without them." He added darkly, staring straight at Hakutaku.
"Hey you…" Hakutaku said sternly.
'Ah, as I thought… these two don't seem to like each other very much…' Naomi observed quietly. They mixed about as well as oil and water.
"Excuse me, but are you two related?" Momotaro asked rather abruptly, seeing the two of them together. He thought they looked a lot alike. Naomi stared at him in stunned silence. Why would he even ask that? Couldn't he sense the homicidal tension that was building up between those two!
"We are not." Hōzuki answered firmly without hesitation. "We are mere acquaintances. We're both researching oriental medicine."
"Yup, we just happen to interact with some of the same circles." Hakutaku added.
"But we try to avoid meeting in person…" said Hōzuki.
"What… Why?" Momotaro asked, sweat-dropping. He was starting to sense that this might not be the best topic.
"To put it simply, I absolutely despise this person." Hōzuki stated coldly with an icy expression on his face as he stared at Hakutaku.
"Yeah, I loathe you too." Hakutaku retorted darkly with a menacing glare and vein throbbing on his forward.
'As I thought…' Naomi mused, sweat-dropping.
"First off, I'm a lucky symbol." Said Hakutaku. "My credibility would plunge through the floor if I was related to this terrible demon of everlasting darkness."
"I see…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.
'But he thinks it's all right to be a pervert?' Naomi thought, chagrined. Though she had to admit that was a fairly accurate description of Hōzuki.
"Listen well, Momotaro-san. It's okay to trust this man's brain, but you must never trust what comes out of his mouth." Hōzuki said while pinching Hakutaku's face so hard that a vein popped on his hand.
"Hey bro, drink this up without any questions, yeah?" Hakutaku told him with multiple veins throbbing on his forehead, holding up a very suspicious looking vial of poison. Naomi and Momotaro sweat-dropped again.
"Come to think of it, where's the kintan I ordered?" Hōzuki asked abruptly, changing the subject.
"Ah, yes, yes. This is a genuine certified product." Hakutaku assured him.
'That phrasing sounds kind of suspicious…' Naomi thought.
"Are you implying that there are counterfeits too?" Hōzuki asked.
"Even the 'Travel Chinese Conversation Booklet' sold at the ¥100 shops has the phrase [Zhe shi zhen den ma?], meaning 'Is this real?' as an example." Hakutaku explained with a straight face.
"That must be a very important phrase." Hōzuki remarked, while Naomi sweat-dropped. The Chinese had really gained themselves a reputation for their knock-offs.
"Excuse me, but… what is a kintan?" Momotaro asked.
"Actually, I was wondering that as well…" Naomi admitted, glancing curiously at her boss.
"It's a Chinese wonder drug made for immortality, a sort of cure-all pill." Hōzuki explained.
"Immortality?" Naomi asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.
"It's this." Hakutaku said, removing the round pill from his pocket to show them. It gleamed and sparkled in the sunlight.
"Wow… It looks like a jewel." Momotaro said, amazed.
'Actually… It reminds me of the marble one of my brothers almost choked on once when we were younger…' Naomi thought wryly.
"This is very valuable. If it wasn't for the sake of medical research, I would never allow this guy to get his hands on it." Hakutaku said vindictively with a sharp glance at Hōzuki. "W-What?" he said defensively, flinching, when the oni started stalking towards him. Without a word, Hōzuki promptly placed his hand on top of Hakutaku's.
"?" Naomi said, wondering what he was up to. Why was Hōzuki staring at their joined hands with such an intense look of concentration on his face?
"Huh… What? This feels disgusting…" Hakutaku said, sweat-dropping, as he started to feel a tugging sensation on the palm of his hand. What the hell?
"Balse!!" Hōzuki bellowed in a deep voice with a frighteningly intimidating expression on his face as he suddenly squeezed Hakutaku's hand, applying an insane amount of pressure. Naomi flinched when she heard a horrible crunching sound.
'Laputa's spell of destruction!!?' she thought, paling in shock.
"GYAAAAAAA!! My ha—! My haaaaaaaaaaaand!!" Hakutaku screamed, going pale from shock and pain. "Uwooo!!" he cried, slapping Hōzuki's hand away while wrenching his injured hand from the oni's destructive grip. "What was that!? Something about 'annihilation' isn't it!!? You! Are you a Ghibli maniac!!?" he yelled angrily.
"That movie is a classic!" Naomi said with a serious gleam in her eye.
"You too!!?" Hakutaku shouted incredulously. How did this bastard manage to get such a cute (but violent) secretary!? "Argh!! This is why I hate this guy!! He's inhuman!"
"I'm not human to begin with." Hōzuki deadpanned.
"My hands are meant for holding the soft and tender hands of a girl, not the rough hands of a man!" Hakutaku fumed while massaging his poor swollen and throbbing hand.
"You were ruthlessly thrown out by those soft and tender hands not too long ago…" Momotaro reminded him, sweat-dropping. Not to mention Naomi's kicks…
"Ah… You got dumped again?" Hōzuki asked.
"I did not, mon~!" Hakutaku said with a vein throbbing on his forehead, trying to sound cute. Hōzuki sighed.
"… Giving advice is useless, isn't it? You'll drop into Hell sooner or later." The oni told him.
"That aside, the kintan is 5,000 yuan." Hakutaku said with a sparkling shit-eating grin, clapping his hands. "Just 100,000 yen will do."
"Don't you dare raise the price on me." Hōzuki said with a scowl. Naomi sweat-dropped. Everyone knew the current conversion rate between currencies was only 12 yen to every 1 yuan. "Ah, and while I'm here, I would like some more Korean ginseng." Hōzuki added calmly.
"Oh, they're planted over there. I'll go get them." Hakutaku said, popping off to get it.
"Ah! Allow me to d—" Momotaro said, moving to help, when Hōzuki suddenly held his arm out to block him. "Eh?"
"It's fine. Let that thing get the ginseng." Hōzuki told him.
"No, but he's still my boss…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.
'I guess we've both got it tough… in various ways.' Naomi thought sympathetically.
"Hakutaku-san, I'll just say one thing." Said Hōzuki. "Even for divine celestial beasts, retribution will still fall upon you."
"It will not, mon~" said Hakutaku without bothering to look back. "You'll get it instead." He quipped with a smirk. He was surprised when the ground gave a little under his foot. "Ah…" He furrowed is brow and a bead of sweat slid down the side of his face as he wobbled and started sinking deeper. "UWAAAAA!" he cried in alarm when the hole suddenly widened, and he fell through completely.
"Whoa!" Naomi gasped in surprise. She didn't see that one coming.
"Hakutaku-sama!?" Momotaro cried, flinching in shock. They all watched as Hakutaku plunged down through the human realm, where another hole opened up beneath him, and Hakutaku's descent continued all the way through to Japanese Hell.
"Idiot Eggplaaaant…!" his screamed echoed back up through the hole in Heaven.
"He really did fall into Hell…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping.
"Yes. People look like trash from up here!!" Hōzuki said, shouting down at Hakutaku with a devious laugh.
"Shut up, you Ghibli maniac!!" Hakutaku retorted angrily. "Ow, ow, ow, ouch… This hole wasn't here yesterday… How did this get here? It's scary…" Hakutaku complained while climbing back up to Heaven, trembling from the effort.
'How did he get up from there…?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping again.
'I guess that's a mythical beast for you…' Momotaro thought, also sweat-dropping.
"I stayed up all night and spent six hours digging that hole. You should be honored that you 'fell for it'." Hōzuki stated darkly, emitting an ominous aura as he pulled out a shovel.
"You! Are you part of the staff of London Hearts!!?" Hakutaku shouted incredulously, flinching in shock. "Get back to work, idiot!!" Didn't he say he was extremely busy in chapter 1? He's totally fooling around!!
'That's what he was doing all night!?' Naomi thought, stunned. It was amazing that digging through the barriers between realms only took him that long… but he did it for such a petty reason… to think he would do all that just to punk someone.
"If you were mortal, you would have fallen into the Hell for sexual deviants long ago… Ahh, staying up all night was worth it." Hōzuki said menacingly, beating the shovel against the palm of his hand in a very threatening manner.
"Pay for the medicine and hurry up and get out of here!" Hakutaku shouted angrily with a vein throbbing on his forehead.
"For these two, who have similar personalities, their relationship is exceptionally bad…" Enma mused back in the halls of his court.