Author's note: Sorry for the long wait!
Chapter 8: Oni and Underwear and Crabs
"Oni~~'s pan~ties~ Are goo~ood pan~ties~ You go~o, girl~! You go~o, girl!" Nasubi sang, doing a little dance while he swept and cleaned the banks of the Sanzu River with Karauri. Hōzuki, who was there to inspect the state of the riverbanks, glanced up from his clipboard, recalling how Naomi like to refer to the duo as Hell's 'Chip and Dale'. "It is~ made with tiger's skin~ Wow! You go~o, girl! You go~o, girl~! The under~wear I wear~ don't wreck my body~line~"
"..." Hōzuki said, glancing over at them and listening while the Stripping Hag gave an angry shout in the background and flipped an uppity soul with a body throw.
"Hey, Karauri," Nasubi called his friend.
"Hm?" Karauri said, looking up as he added another piece of trash to his bag using a pair of tongs.
"Morals are definitely important," Nasubi stated.
"Morals... yeah. True, it's important. Um, so what?" Karauri asked while they continued to work.
"What's what? We're talking about panties of course. Wearing panties is the most basic moral," Nasubi said as if it should have been obvious. "That's why, when talking about panties, I call them 'morals'. Though there are some people who prefer to go commando..." Karauri sweat-dropped.
"Your speech is confusing as always," he told his spacey coworker while Hōzuki had a talk with the Stripping Hag. "Your common sense is different from others'..."
"Ah~ It's a crab!" Nasubi said, excited when a giant one suddenly popped up out of the river.
"Oi, are you listening!?" Karauri asked incredulously. "Nasubi, you should do something about your short attention span. That was what allowed Sadako to escape so easily," he chided his friend.
"Oh, sorry," Nasubi apologized, sweat dropping as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"So, what about panties?" Karauri asked curiously.
"Hm?" said Nasubi. "Oh, nothing much, I was just thinking how important they are..."
"Don't just say whatever comes to mind, it's confusing," Karauri said, sweat-dropping again.
"When it comes to panties, is yours the traditional tiger skin? Or the modern polyester?" Nasubi asked Karauri, tapping him on the back.
"Mine's 100% cotton, as I have sensitive skin," his friend replied.
"I see~" Nasubi said. "Which brand? Peach John? Tutuanna?"
"No... just some normal ones..." Karauri said, sweat-dropping. "Why do you know so much about the lingerie brands of the human realm? Normal healthy males don't know that kind of stuff. You shouldn't know that!"
"But they did a feature article about it in a magazine," Nasubi said. It had been in the last issue of the Weekly River Sanzu. The famous pretty boy Minamoto no Yoshitsune had been on the cover. "How do you know about it then, Karauri?"
"My sister loves it, I often see it being delivered when I return home," Karauri answered, chagrined just thinking about it. She was ordering too much stuff online.
"Then, Stripping Hag-san, I will hold your funds in reserve," Hōzuki concluded, making note of it on his clipboard. The Stripping Hag sighed as she stared out at the Sanzu River and all the souls struggling to cross it while sitting on the bench beside him under her scraggly tree.
"Maybe I should just publish a photo collection," she said, blushing as she leaned closer to the handsome oni. "I'd call it... 'Hot and Bewitching Mature Lady in Lingerie'. Would you buy that?" she asked coyly as the huge snake guardian of the Sanzu jetted by on top of the water, chasing after one of the deceased.
"I'll pass, thank you," Hōzuki replied without missing a beat.
"Shine! Radiant! Oni~'s pan~ties~" Nasubi started singing again as he and Karauri continued to clean.
"... Speaking of which, what's with that song?" Karauri asked, clicking his tongs together. "I don't get what it's trying to say."
"Eh? Isn't it the jingle for the oni's underwear company?" Nasubi asked.
"No, that's wrong," Hōzuki said as he approached them with his brow slightly furrowed.
"Ah!" Nasubi gasped, sweat-dropping. Where they in trouble?
"... Though I'm kind of interested in your conversation topic... Please stop chatting and carry on with your work," Hōzuki said strictly.
"I'm sorry," Nasubi apologized rubbing the back of his neck a bit sheepishly.
"... 'That's wrong refers' to...?" Karauri asked curiously.
"Oh, about that song... It's originally a canzone from southern Italy," Hōzuki said, flipping to the next paper on his clipboard. "The Japanese lyrics were added later. It's called 'Funiculì Funiculà'."
"Oh~!" said Nasubi.
"I've heard of it!" Karauri said, hitting his hand against his palm in an 'aha!' gesture.
"Moreover, 'Funiculì Funiculà' is a shout," Hōzuki explained. "Apparently it was a promotional song for the mountain railway."
"Ohh, so it's not an original Hell song," Karauri said, a little disappointed. The two minions immediately pictured a Mario-type character driving a train uphill.
"Hōzuki-sama is so knowledgeable~" Nasubi said, impressed.
"Nevermind that," said Hōzuki. "I want you to do a thorough job of cleaning from here to the Children's' Limbo. The Sanzu River is the border between the human realm and the afterlife. You could call it Hell's front door. Leaving it untidy sets a bad example."
"Say, why is it so dirty here... There's roku-mon-sen (coins for the dead) everywhere. Recently the dead are really..." Karauri said, sweat-dropping, as he picked up a snack wrapper. The ground was covered in all sorts of unusual litter.
"Oh! A snake!" Nasubi said excitedly when he spotted the river's guardian going after a giant crab. "Isn't that the boss of the Sanzu River!? Amazing~!"
"Yes, yes," Karauri responded without even looking, focused on his work. "There's so many watches... Did they drop it?" he asked Hōzuki.
"Tributes are normally cremated along with the bodies, that's why," Hōzuki explained.
"Ah, there are glasses too," Karauri said, sweat-dropping as he picked up a pair.
"Ah! The crab got eaten!" Nasubi said, flinching in shock.
"Whoa... a wig..." Karauri said, flinching in surprise for a different reason. So gross!
"It's a real spectacle," Hōzuki said, staring at the gnarly hairpiece.
"It's huge... will it be able to swallow the crab?" Nasubi wondered with concern, staring at an even greater spectacle, which the other two oni were missing because they were too focused on what was in front of them.
–∞–
"I sentence you to the... Shugou Hell!" Enma declared sternly, pointing dramatically at the soul he was currently judging back in his court. "An undergarment thief, that's too despicable! Your punishment will be 'to be wrapped in an oni's underwear that have been worn for 99 years'! Next!"
"Yes, sir!" the two minions restraining the thief answered dutifully while the deceased flinched in shock.
"NOOOOO!" the thief wailed miserably as they started dragging him off to receive his punishment. "Ha—Have mercy on meee!"
"No mercy!" Enma shouted back harshly while Naomi quietly finished recording the verdict and his designated penance. "Just look at this list. These guys, they're all undergarment thieves... It's too heartbreaking. Of all the lousy, pathetic scum, panty thieves are the saddest lot!" Enma grumbled.
"Yeah, they should get a healthier hobby," Naomi remarked as she recorded the verdict, sweat-dropping. "I mean, what's the point of it, anyway?" Why go through so much trouble just for a pair of empty underwear? If that was all they wanted why not just buy it from the store or order it online from the internet?
"Seriously! I mean, show some interest in the flesh!" the great king of Hell agreed with a frown of annoyance.
"Enma-sama," Hōzuki said as he entered the hall and approached them, "there is nothing unusual to report from the Sanzu River."
"Ohh, Hōzuki-kun," Enma greeted his aide with a smile, looking up from the list of upcoming trials. "I've put up the souvenir from Australia you gave me." Actually, he'd had Naomi do it for him, but whatever.
"Ahh, this is supposed to ward off evil spirits," Hōzuki said calmly, glancing at the colorful mask hanging on the pillar nearest Enma's desk. "Isn't pretty?"
"Yes, although I have no need to ward off anything of the sort..." said Enma, while Naomi smiled wryly at the irony.
"Enma-sama! The cleaning of the Sanzu River is finished!" Nasubi and Karauri declared as they rushed up to join them.
"Oh, yeah! The Stripping Hag is demanding more 'monetary benefits'," said Karauri, sweat-dropping as he remembered the way she had cornered him like a school bully looking to his extort lunch money from him. It was really disturbing.
"Eh~" Enma said, sweat-dropping.
"That's right. The other day she cornered me and said, 'Tsk, hand over your coin,'" Naomi said, cringing at the unpleasant memory of having her personal space invaded by the grumpy old hag. She really wished the woman would close the front of her kimono. No one wanted to see that.
"Ehh? You too, Nao-san!?" Karauri exclaimed as he and Nasubi flinched in shock, and Enma paled.
"Did you?" Hōzuki asked her.
"Of course not. I simply distracted her and escaped before she realized what I was up to," Naomi replied calmly.
She didn't think hitting another Hell official would go down too well with the hierarchy (she didn't even want to think about the amount of paperwork that would generate, let alone whatever punishment Hōzuki would undoubtedly cook up for her), so instead she literally yelled 'Look! A distraction!' and hightailed it out of there as soon as the old oni's head was turned. Frankly, she was amazed it had even worked.
'She's chosen to take up mugging!' the great king thought as a bead of sweat slid down the side of his face. "That granny really is too willful..." he said aloud.
"In regard to that, I persuaded her that I would hold funds in reserve," said Hōzuki. And the hag's reaction to this news had been to blush and say, 'Hey, Nii-chan. There's more to the world than money.'
"The Stripping Hag definitely shows favoritism..." Karauri remarked while he and the others sweat-dropped.
"Yeah," Nasubi agreed, amazed, while Naomi nodded, chagrined.
"By the way, what has that dead person done?" Hōzuki asked abruptly, pointing at the underwear thief, who was still screaming for mercy while clinging to one of the pillars in the background that he had somehow managed to climb. "He's lamenting quite a lot."
"Oh, him. When he was alive, he would steal women's undergarments..." Enma explained.
"The idiot got arrested after showing off his loot in public," Naomi added bluntly with a straight face. An idiot hair stuck out on Hōzuki's head as he and the two younger minions stared at them in disbelief. Not just a pervert, but an idiot too...
"... Well... Perversion, aside it's still theft," said Hōzuki. "I wonder what drove him to it?"
"... Yes, perhaps the stresses of modern society drove him to it?" Enma suggested, sweat-dropping as they watched the straight-faced oni hurl his spiked iron club with deadly precision, nailing the resisting thief square in the head to knock him off the pillar he was clinging to.
"Thank you, Hōzuki-sama!" the minions in charge of punishing the deceased said politely, dragging the unconscious thief off before he had a chance to recover.
"Speaking of which, there have been several mentions of panties today," Hōzuki mused, tilting his head slightly to the side as he thought about it.
"'Panties' as in 'pants'?" Enma asked.
"Why are you unaware of the slang of the younger generations? It's another word for underwear," Hōzuki retorted.
"Oni's~ pan~ties~ are goo~ood panties~~" Nasubi blurted out, making Karauri flinch.
"Wah, you started singing so suddenly," his nervous friend said, sweat-dropping. "You're too carefree..."
"Oh, that song sounds like the jingle of the oni underwear company," said Enma.
"You, too?" Hōzuki asked, unimpressed.
"It sounds like Funiculì Funiculà," Naomi remarked.
"That's because it is," Hōzuki replied, glad at least one other person present recognized the tune's true origins. Being the only straight man could be tiring.
"You know, there's many people in the human realm with the preconception that all oni run around in a single pair of underwear made from tiger skin," Enma recalled brightly, stroking his beard.
"Ah, I think I remember hearing something like that..." Naomi said, vaguely recalling the stereotypical description of an oni in one of the old folktales her mother told her.
"Though there was only tiger hide underwear in the past, there are other designs now," Hōzuki said. "The actual mode of attire is up to the individual."
'So they really did wear it,' Naomi thought.
"Yeah... but to me tiger skin panties are the best... I kind of think it would be cool to go bare in tiger underwear," Nasubi mused seriously, holding his chin.
"Eh~ why? That's too boorish," Karauri said, sweat-dropping. They'd look totally lame if they did that. He really couldn't understand what his odd friend was thinking sometimes.
"Not to mention the impact on the environment," Naomi commented, concerned for the tigers.
"But think about it..." Nasubi said, "if guys only went around in their underwear... The girls will only be wearing them, too!" he concluded excitedly, clenching his fist.
'!' every male present thought as they immediately pictured a pretty female oni in a matching set of tiger skin bra and panties and knee-high boots. Naomi sweat-dropped. She could easily guess what they were all thinking from their excited expressions, with the exception of Hōzuki, who was just as straight-faced as ever, but she assumed he couldn't be that far off.
'As a girl listening to this conversation, I'd like to point out that just because they decide to strip down doesn't mean we'll all turn into lemmings and follow... but just for that I also wouldn't mind seeing them embarrass themselves if they tried it...' she thought sardonically. Why were they even having this conversation in front of her to begin with? Did they forget she was a girl, too? These guys could really use some sensitivity training.
"Ooo~" Karauri exclaimed excitedly, blushing and exchanging a thumbs up with Nasubi.
"That's really dazzling," Enma said, also blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Yeah, the blatant copyright infringement is blinding," Naomi deadpanned, completely unimpressed. That image was a complete ripoff of Lum Lum from Urusei Yatsura. This stupid conversation was making her want to shoot out some lightning bolts herself.
"True, from the way you describe it," Hōzuki said, also spotting the unavoidable similarities between the character designs, "the appearance is totally..."
They could all see it now, a Lum Lum like silhouette appeared in the darkness, the electricity sparking and building up around her in her anger. "Darling, I won't forgive any infidelity, alright!" she said sternly, unleashing a massive attack.
"... Out," he concluded firmly as the two younger male oni flinched and paled slightly at the thought of being shocked as punishment. "After all, 'She' isn't even an oni." They couldn't have employees running around dressed like fictional aliens. "In addition, we will get tired of seeing just one outfit all the time," Hōzuki added. "When summer ends and autumn begins, we can enjoy looking at new outfits."
"And just because you can wear an outfit like that doesn't mean you should. Not everyone has the body for it. Just think of all the people you see on beaches that you wish wore coverups," Naomi pointed out. "Plus, it's really easy to catch a cold dressed like that."
"You would know, I suppose," Hōzuki said with that infuriatingly straight face. "Given your previous profession..."
"One of these days I'm gonna snap and shove my fist down your throat," she retorted coolly as she looked at him with a frighteningly even expression and a cold gleam in her eyes that gave everyone else chills. "And for your information, I never 'worked' in outfits that didn't cover at least 50% of my body, because I found the tantalizing allure of the hidden was often considered more desirable than complete, outright exposure." She said it with such a serious face than no one would have dared to contradict her even if they disagreed. But Hōzuki wasn't about to let her off so lightly.
"Hoh? You seem to have given this a lot of thought..." the dangerous oni said darkly, clamping his hand down over the top of her head and squeezing before she could dodge with frightening speed. She seemed to be a slow learner when it came to talking back to him, and he was very gratified to see the way her face paled when she felt the pain and realized the mistake she had made by uttering anything that even remotely resembled a threat toward him.
'Oh God, he's gonna crush my head like a melon this time!' she thought anxiously, sweating bullets when she saw the predatory gleam in his eyes. She could already feel her skull pressing in on her brain.
'Nao-chan's gotten herself in trouble again...' Enma thought, sweat-dropping. She sure had a lot of guts to talk to him like that. Was she becoming a masochist? If she wasn't so intelligent, he might think she was an idiot for daring to provoke his violent aide.
"... That's true, too..." Karauri and Nasubi said after considering everything they said, sweat-dropping, as they deflated a little.
"Now that you mention it, the Stripping Hag's almost naked, so that's actually more disgusting... It would make her even more hideous," Nasubi said, looking sick just thinking about it.
"That's an entirely different issue," Hōzuki retorted bluntly, giving Naomi's head an extra skull-cracking squeeze before finally releasing her from his vice-like grip. It was cute how she thought she stood a chance against him.
"!" Naomi breathed a sigh of relief, trembling from the effort it took to remain standing and held a hand over her rapidly beating heart, while she thanked her lucky stars that he had settled for only creating some hairline fractures.
"In the first place, if you think about it carefully... Can you even call those underwear?" Nasubi asked, now that he thought about it. The traditional tiger skin underwear was pretty much just a piece of fabric you wrapped around yourself.
"... Not really... an apron, maybe...?" Karauri suggested tentatively.
"Then what a bout a sarong?" Nasubi asked, and started singing again. "The~ Sar~oongs that oni wear are so~wroong~"
"The song's getting moody," Karauri remarked, sweat-dropping.
"Nao-chan~! Hōzuki-sama~!" Okō called out as she came rushing into the room, waving to get their attention.
"Okō-san?" Naomi said as she straightened up and removed her head from her hand, surprised to see her looking upset.
"What's the matter?" Hōzuki asked, turning to face her.
"The number of weapons in Mortal Hell's armory doesn't match up with the recorded figure," Okō explained.
"...?" Naomi said, furrowing her brow slightly in confusion as she moved beside her new friend to take a look at the document.
"That is odd," Hōzuki remarked, standing behind her to have a look too.
"I wonder who documented this?" Okō said.
"Ah!" Karauri suddenly gasped in realization and grabbed Nasubi by the back of his kimono and dragged him over to face them. "I'm very sorry! It was him!" Karauri apologized with all his might, placing a hand on his confused friend's head to force him into bow with him.
"Wha? What? Did I goof up again?" Nasubi asked, genuinely bewildered.
"Oh, aren't you a new inductee?" Okō asked, recognizing him from his welcoming orientation.
"Yes!" said Karauri earnestly with a small vein popping out on his hand as his grip tightened on his friend's skull to keep him bowed. "We will correct the mistake immediately..."
"I'm sorry, Karauri," Nasubi apologized quietly.
Okō stared at them. They were covered in nervous sweat and seemed genuinely repentant and ready to take responsibility for the mistake. She also thought it was a little sweet the way the two friends looked out for each other. Okō's expression softened and she gave the two minions a small smile and placed the scroll in Karauri's hand. "It's a big job, but good luck fixing it," she told them kindly, smiling again as she turned to leave and waved goodbye. "And be more careful next time~"
"Y-Yes!" Karauri yelled after her, blushing.
"You're lucky she was so lenient with you," Enma told Nasubi with a wry smile, sweat-dropping. Anyone else would have ripped him a new one.
"It's a good thing Okō-san is such an understanding person," Naomi agreed. 'Unlike someone...' she thought, glancing sideways at Hōzuki while she massaged her poor head.
"You're really too nonchalant," Karauri scolded Nasubi. "You have to be more focused during work!"
"Uuu... sorry..." Nasubi apologized feebly, standing with his head still bowed and looking a little gloomy.
"If you remain absentminded and careless, one day you might make a huge mistake. Be careful," Karauri told him.
"Yeah, if you become too complacent, before you know it the company will be declaring bankruptcy, and you'll find yourself unemployed and caught up in its lawsuit for embezzlement and fraud..." Naomi agreed darkly with a haunted, distant expression on her face.
"Hehe..." Nasubi laughed awkwardly as he scratched his head, hoping that was just supposed to be a bad joke. That would never really happen here, right?
'That sounds like a very personal example...' Enma, Hōzuki, and Karauri thought as they all stared at her and sweat-dropped.
"... Then again, with this type of person, we just might find some unusual gift of his. You would be surprised by the discoveries his kind are capable of," Hōzuki said as he checked his pocket watch, referring to Nasubi. "Well, let's grab some dinner, first. You'll be working overtime today."
"There's no helping it, I'll give you a hand, too," Karauri said with a sigh. Nasubi's mood immediately did a complete 180.
"Thank you, kindred spirit!" he cried brightly with gratitude.
–∞–
Later, when Hōzuki, Naomi, Karauri, and Nasubi were getting their food in the canteen, they heard an announcement on the TV that was strange even for Hell.
"At around 5pm today, the Lord of the Sanzu River suffered a serious throat injury and was hospitalized immediately," the news anchorman announced, immediately getting their attention. "The Karasu-Tengu Police Force is currently investigating the matter. If there are any witnesses..."
'Someone injured that bigass snake!?' Naomi thought, whipping her head around to stare at the screen in surprise. 'And did he just say something about tengus...?'
"Oh~! I saw that!" Nasubi said cheerfully, making them all look at him in shock as he quickly recounted the struggle he had witnessed earlier of the giant snake trying to eat the giant crab while Hōzuki and Karauri were distracted by the trash. "The perpetrator was a crab!"
"That was it!?" Kararui exclaimed, startled. "I'm actually impressed you didn't freak out."
"Is it that unusual?" Naomi asked more calmly. Compared to regenerating after being hacked apart, legendary vengeful spirits, mountains made of needles, boiling pools of blood, and sadistic demons a giant crab didn't seem that upsetting. If anything the idea it made her feel hungrier. She wanted to catch it and boil it in a giant hot pot for eating.
"You would need a special permit for a fire that size," Hōzuki said, startling her with his uncanny ability to guess what she was thinking. "Please put that energy into your overtime work."
'He's planning on working me to the bone again...' she thought, sweat-dropping, while Nasubi responded enthusiastically in the background.