Chapter 88 - Dream Diary

In the morning, Suigetsu went with Naruto to fetch Yakata.

A small group had been sent out to search for Yakata's luggage in the Forest of Death, but very little effort was expended, as his waterlogged pack was found neatly set by the eviscerated metal fence sometime in the middle of the night. His clothes were sent to the hospital laundry room to be washed and dried, and the books left to dry as well as they could, the pages wrinkling like old skin.

The photograph of Sasuke's family had remained untouched, in its red wood frame. It was kept face-down until returned to the pack, with the dried clothes, and brought up to Yakata's room. Yakata remained distant from it.

He had not eaten the dinner, nor the breakfast that the nursing staff had brought him, and his eyes had the beginnings of shadows under them. He had apparently not slept all night.

"I'll go with you to the gate," Naruto said. "You're on your own from there, y'know."

"Sure, that's fine," Suigetsu said.

Yakata said nothing, clutching the straps of his pack.

They stayed well away from the curse seal ward as they went and retrieved Suigetsu's sword from the security station at the entrance of the hospital. And, of course, they attracted many stares as they went along, but Naruto smiled and waved back at every face, maintaining the assumption that they were all staring at him.

The gates opened for them.

"You take care, Yakata-kun, okay? You ever need help, you just write to me, and I'll come right away, y'know," Naruto said, with a tone that was meant to accompany an absent arm on Yakata's shoulder.

Yakata's face tightened uncomfortably, and he looked sideways, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"I'll let you know when we arrive," Suigetsu said. "You take care of your city."

"Will do, Suigetsu-san," Naruto said.

The gates closed, and they were gone.

The journey was mostly silent, neither parties wanting to speak. But Yakata's movements were sluggish, his feet dragging in the dirt road.

Suigetsu had to keep his face away, eyes to the sky and the surrounding trees, so that he wouldn't have to torture himself with the boy's expression, which seemed perpetually on the verge of tears.

But even Suigetsu could only take so much. "We're stopping for lunch," he said, with the sun above them.

"…m'kay…" Yakata mumbled.

"…you don't look so good, is all. Some hot food will do you good," Suigetsu continued. "I don't wanna carry you if you end up collapsing."

"…you, you, you won't have to…" Yakata said.

And they ate in silence at a small restaurant in a small town, Yakata barely mustering the voice to order a bowl of rice that he ate slowly, his final bites lukewarm and sticky. Suigetsu, who had finished his soup long before, said nothing, allowing him to finish on his own time.

They continued on. Suigetsu tried not to speak, only losing control in frequently offering Yakata drinks from his water bottles, which Yakata would always quietly refuse.

The evening fell, and Suigetsu, to his discontent, discovered that they were only halfway to Tamina, at best. "We're gonna have to stop for the night, it'll be getting dark soon."

"…you, you, you don't have to lend me your kit or, or anything. I can, I can sleep on the ground, it's fine…" Yakata said, beginning to take off his pack.

Suigetsu, however, pulled on the cloth straps and kept Yakata from taking it off.

A creak of an uncomfortable expression crossed his face as Yakata's head jerked towards him; the boy's large eyes were half-closed, not like a child exhausted, but like a person possessed.

"We're not sleeping here. I'm gonna find an inn," Suigetsu said, speaking quickly to disguise whatever he was feeling.

"…oh, okay…" Yakata shifted the pack over his shoulders further and lowered his head, not saying anything more.

Suigetsu tried to be quick, but he had to find an inn with a bath. Anything else would have been torture, given his stress level and its dehydration. The sun was setting low into a sea of blood-orange reds as the innkeeper showed them to their room and left them alone.

The silence was even more uncomfortable and unavoidable. Suigetsu cleared his throat. "Um. So. Dinner, first? And then a bath, huh? That'll have us feeling better."

"…I, I dunno, maybe…" Yakata said. He had taken up residence in the corner of the room, by the closet where the futons were kept, resting his chin on his knees. "I'm, I'm not that hungry…"

"Well, you gotta eat something. And a bath is good for anyone," Suigetsu said.

Yakata just nestled deeper into himself.

He ate only rice, again, once dinner was served. And he only went with Suigetsu to the baths because Suigetsu refused to let him be alone.

"…just, just, if I, if I start acting… acting weird, then, then… then stop me…" he murmured, as they were going down the hall in their bathrobes.

Suigetsu looked over his shoulder. "Weird?"

"…don't, don't wanna hurt anyone, I swear…" Yakata continued. "I don't…"

The words nestled like puffer fish into Suigetsu's stomach. "…nobody's gonna get hurt, kid. Promise. Now come on, bath's this way."

With his hair wet and his face sullen and empty, Yakata looked even more like an Uchiha than he ever did. He took off the bandages and did not replace them once he was done washing. Suigetsu tried not to stare at the pale blotches of pink on the surfaces of his arms and his cheeks, punctuated by thin, shallow scabs.

He stared, instead, at the mark on his neck, shining from the water. His reminder.

And once they had soaked to Suigetsu's satisfaction—he doubted that Yakata, at this point, would make much of an expression of anything—he left the boy in their room to use the telephone in the hallway.

Naruto had left him a phone number before they left, and Suigetsu used it and was quickly connected with Naruto himself, who was breathlessly, almost manically eager in hearing of their progress.

"Yakata's still a little worn-down so we're going slower than I'd like. We're almost at the border, I figure."

"Good, good, take your time, y'know," Naruto replied. "We're in no hurry, just as long as you get him home safely."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know," Suigetsu said, and after a few more pleasantries, hung up.

He kept his hand on the phone for a while longer, wondering if he should call Karin.

It was a black telephone, made of plastic, and slightly worn where the receiver met the base. The buttons were clear and almost sharp around the edges.

…no, she didn't need to know, not yet. She had enough to worry about.

(And telling her about those haunting, half-dead eyes would not do her any good.)

His hand left the telephone.

Yakata was in his corner again, when Suigetsu returned. "You wanna help with the futons or should I do it?" he asked.

"…I, I'll do my own," Yakata replied. And the futons were set up in silence. Yakata lay down in his almost immediately.

"You tired?" Suigetsu asked.

"Mm."

"We could use some sleep. You'll be home with your mom and pop by tomorrow, I promise."

No reply.

Some scratching instinct that had been gnawing at his wrists all day nearly broke skin, and Suigetsu snatched it back when he noticed a hand wandering towards Yakata's back under the blanket.

(He remembered, far too cleanly, Yakata's reaction to Naruto's touch.)

"You need me, I'll be here," Suigetsu said, and coughed. "G'night."

"M'night."

He turned off the light of the electric lamp between them.

Suigetsu lay with his back to Yakata's back, mediating a battle between justification—he was just thinking of Shingetsu, just thinking of her, this was just his job—and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Sleep, eventually won. But not for very long.

He was awoken by Yakata's fitful tossing and moaning, and distressing words.

"No, no, I didn't, I didn't… Stop, no, stop, no, I swear, I, I didn't…!"

Suigetsu turned over slowly, his sensations still slightly blurred from sleep, to see Yakata sprawled out over his futon with his arms crossed under his cheek as if shielding himself, badly.

"No, no, please! Don't, don't hurt me, I didn't, I didn't do that, I swear…!"

"Yakata…?" Suigetsu blinked, frozen with—not fear, not worry, just—indecision.

Yakata's face was contorted with what was undeniably pain. His arms writhed above him. "Please, no, no, stop, Sasuke-san, STOP!"

Suigetsu finally reached forward and roused the boy awake. "Hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down, it's only a dream."

Yakata sat upright, his bangs falling into his face, eyes fixed on his hands, fingers stretched like claws. He began frantically rubbing the wrist of his right arm.

"Yakata, you were having a nightmare," Suigetsu said.

But Yakata began to sob, cradling his arms and curling into himself again, and the job only got harder.

"Hey, hey, breathe, breathe," Suigetsu said, reaching for practiced lines. "You're awake now, nobody's gonna hurt you."

He avoided saying Sasuke's name.

"No, no, no, I didn't, I didn't do that, I swear, I, I promise," Yakata whimpered.

"You didn't do anything. You're okay. Nobody… nobody's going to hurt you," Suigetsu said, fighting with himself towards the end.

It was just a job it was just a job it was just his job he was a father but these were what fathers did this was just a job.

Yakata's cries turned into sharp, hiccup-like inhales.

This was just a job. These were just things fathers did. This was just a job.

Suigetsu put a hand on Yakata's back and stroked downward, gently.

This was only because it was what he did with Shingetsu when he had a nightmare, only far more solid, because it worked, this was only a job.

"You're okay, now. You're okay. Nothing's going to hurt you. You'll be okay. Go back to sleep."

This was only a job.

"I'm here, now. It's okay."

He put the light on and shoved it a bit away, so that the glow wouldn't be overwhelming. And he stayed with Yakata until his uneven breaths became deeper and turned into yawns, and helped the boy back under the blankets. His hand on Yakata's head, stroking away the tear-soaked bangs, was not rejected.

(Ten years since they'd last been so close. Since he'd last even laid hands on the boy.)

"Go back to sleep. It's okay. I'm here." The final whisper-chorus.

Yakata's tightly-folded body lapsed into gently-breathing sleep, up and down, like waves over a shoreline.

Suigetsu stayed up for quite a while longer, watching him sleep, making sure that another nightmare hadn't taken root.

A quiet fire of rage fueled the simmering worry in his chest, one which he could no longer deny. Not any more.

Whatever had happened to that child to make him suffer so, to make him so terrified, he hated and wanted to destroy.

But one could not destroy neglect, nor willful malevolence, not with physical force.

Suigetsu had failed twice before, in leaving Kurunari with the people that would turn him into a monster, in being so cruel and feckless in leaving Yakata in Tamina, and his unfair treatment of Karin afterward.

Repentance was nearly as intangible as revenge. But at least it had weight.

This was only a job. His job.

This boy was not his.

But his care, at least for this short while, Suigetsu could ensure.

He laid his water-warm fingers on the back of Yakata's neck only once more, and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Whom he was apologizing to, he didn't know. To the boy, maybe. Or to Karin. Or to himself.

But with the apology, Suigetsu returned to sleep and woke only with the sunrise.

Yakata was only slightly less exhausted in the morning. His appetite had returned, at least, enough for him to request a fried egg for his bowl of rice and his consumption of half a bowl of miso soup to go along with it. This was enough to give Suigetsu some comfort, and a better attitude as they set out for Tamina.

The silence was not nearly as uncomfortable on the second leg of the trip. The nightmare was not mentioned.

But as they rounded the hill leading to the farming village, the expected gleam of homecoming comfort was missing from Yakata's eyes.

Suigetsu didn't say anything.

Many of the villagers, milling about in pre-harvest energy, stopped and stared at them as they passed.

It was clear whom they were staring at.

Yakata's breaths were poorly shallow. He had his hands clasped at his collarbone, his lower lip pressed tightly below his teeth.

Suigetsu heard whispers that he tried to ignore too late.

"Why is he back?"

"He'll curse the crops."

"Just when we were having a good harvest."

"Witch-boy."

Yakata inhaled sharply.

Suigetsu glared.

The women scattered like mice.

Eventually, they found the house. The garden beside it was a cloud of green and intermittent blossom, and Yakata's eyes flitted to it momentarily before returning to his shoes.

Suigetsu knocked on the door. Satoko answered, and she gasped.

"Yakata?"

"Hey there, Honbo-san," Suigetsu said.

Yakata lunged forward and into his mother's arms, which wrapped around him as if on reflex. "Hozuki-san?" Satoko said. "What are you doing here?"

"I was asked to bring your son home. Favor to a friend," he replied. "Yakata here had a bit of a rough time and they decided to send him back early."

"A rough time? Oh, sweetheart, what happened to you…?" Satoko said, bending her head. Her pale brown braid fell over her shoulder and bumped against her elbow. "Why isn't Sasuke-san here?"

Yakata flinched, inhaling sharply.

"Uh, Sasuke's been… busy lately. I dunno why, uh, he decided to send your kid home early," Suigetsu said, trying to mask his discomfort with nonchalance.

"Oh, gosh, I hope my Yakata wasn't too much of a burden at all, then…" Satoko said, hugging her son again. "Well, goodness, Hozuki-san, is there anything I can do to thank you for bringing him back?"

"Eh." Suigetsu shrugged. "I'm already doing this as a favor to a friend, so there's nothing you need to do for me. I'll, uh… be in town for a while, though, so if you need me for anything else, I am at your disposal."

"Oh, of course, of course," Satoko said. "Yakata, let's get you inside, you can tell me everything…"

Suigetsu waved at them before heading back down the road, and toward the town center, to find a telephone.

The promise had been improvised, but it felt… right.

Naruto was called first. "His mom was home so she was able to receive him. But, uh, I think I'm gonna stay here a few days before coming back, just to make sure everything's okay. He's still kinda shaken."

"Hey, good idea, y'know! That's fine. If you need compensation for your stay just keep your receipts, we'll pay you back," Naruto said.

"Nah, nah, I got it, you don't need to pay me anything," Suigetsu said, with an unintentional snarl on his face. "I got enough money. I'll call you when I'm heading back down."

"Sounds good. Thanks for calling, Suigetsu-san."

"Yeah, sure."

He hung up the pay phone, and his change jingled into the slot. He kept his fingers on the cool metal for a while, thinking.

Yeah, it would be right to call her now.

…just, how the hell would he find her?

He grumbled as he slid a few more coins in the slot and dialed the operator, and asked to be connected to Konoha General Hospital.

Yes, yes, he was aware it was long distance, he was paying for it.

He was connected to the hospital. The hospital gave him a receptionist. He asked to be connected to Room 145. He remembered that, at least.

Yes, yes, he was a relative, his—his wife was there, and his son.

They connected him, and as the dial tone pulsed, he covered his nose and cheeks with his hand, hoping that nobody had seen him in such a state.

Karin picked up. And he took private triumph in the obvious sigh of relief on the other end of the line after he announced himself.

"I was worried as hell about you, is everything all right?" she said.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Yakata's home with Satoko, everything's okay."

"Thank goodness," Karin said. "Is he all right? Did he take the trip well?"

And it occurred to Suigetsu that it was a very, very fortunate thing that he was on the phone.

It would have been impossible to lie to Karin about this to her face. She'd have known.

"Yeah, yeah, he's just fine. Took a while 'cos he was tired, but he got a bath and some sleep and was right back to being himself. Second leg went much faster. Ran right to his mom's arms, couldn't wait to be home."

He heard Karin exhale through her nose. "Well, that's good, that's good, okay."

"And I'm gonna stay in town a few days, just to make sure he's really okay," he added. "I mean, transitioning and stuff. He's been through a lot, lately."

She started laughing, a little. "Look at you, making smart decisions for once."

"Hey, shut up, I can do things right without your say-so," he replied, with a smirk. "Besides, you're so damn smart everyone looks like a moron in comparison."

"Oh, shut up," she replied. He heard her chuckling.

"So how's Ooda doing?" he said, lowering his voice and smoothing it.

"…still hasn't said a word, but at least he's eating now," Karin said. "Shingetsu keeps talking to him, trying to get a reaction out of him. It's really upsetting him, but he tries not to show it. Afraid it'll worry me, okay. Gosh, wonder who that sounds like."

Suigetsu scoffed, though fondly. "Like mother, like son."

"Yeah, right."

"And how's the little one? Everything okay?"

"Smooth as silk," Karin said, warmly. "The medicine's helped. I had some more contractions this morning but they went away pretty quickly."

"Well, you rest up. I wanna be there when the little guy arrives, okay?"

She laughed. "It's not your kid, why do you care?"

"It's not the kid I'm worried about, it's you, all right? Jeez, woman, you've practically killed yourself to have this little brat. Last thing I want is you dyin' on me while I'm away. Not gonna happen."

"Fine, fine," she said. "I'll hold off on dying until you're here, okay."

There was a fine, enthusiastic trill from the background, and it sounded vaguely like "Zatdaddy?"

"That Shingetsu?" Suigetsu said, grinning.

"Gee, how'd you guess?"

"Mommy, are you talkin' to Daddy?"

"Put him on the phone, lemme talk to him," Suigetsu said.

"All right, all right." There was a hard rustle. "Shingetsu, it's your father."

"DADDY!" Shingetsu's voice burst through the receiver.

"Hey, squirt. You being good for me?"

"Uh-HUH. I'm bein' super good."

"Taking care of your mom for me?"

"The MOST. I helped Mommy mix her medicine yesterday. She let me."

Suigetsu leaned against the telephone box with one arm. "Oh did she."

"Yep! And I'm drawin' a lot of pictures for Ooda-niki. He's not talkin' much right now. Mommy says he's sick."

"Yeah, he's…" Suigetsu exhaled, and gathered himself again. "He'll get better, you just need to keep being a good little brother for him, all right?"

"You know it! I'll draw him lots of pictures."

"Attaboy. And you make sure to leave him and your mom alone when they need to sleep, right?"

"DUH. I go to Uncle Juugo's room when Mommy gets tired. It's SO fun getting to play with Asa-otouto every day, Daddy. Why can't I play with him more?"

Suigetsu laughed through his nose. He wouldn't correct the boy, not this time. "Because we live far away from him, Shingetsu, that's why. And Asaoto's sick, too."

"Yeah, but Asa-otouto told me that him an' Uncle Juugo are gonna live here in Konoha now, like Kototou-ji. Does this mean we get to visit 'em here?"

"…eh, ask your mother," Suigetsu said. "We'll see."

"Okay, okay!"

"Please insert 10 ryou for the next ten minutes," a cool, metallic voice buzzed from the phone.

Suigetsu fumbled for change in his pocket, propping the phone against his ear. "Look, Shingetsu, I'll call you back later. But you keep being a good boy, all right? I'm not going to be home for a few days so you need to hold it together."

"Okay, Daddy! Bye!"

"I love-" But, ah, of course, Shingetsu hung up in his enthusiasm before the call could end itself. Suigetsu shook his head, smiling.

But a strange thought burrowed into his head. Visiting Juugo in Konoha, since he'd be living there, now, for his treatment.

Would he be allowed that, after all this? With everything going public, about him, about Karin, about his job…

The future seemed black, and very thick, and he could not imagine what lay beyond in it.

He inhaled through his nose, and out through his mouth.

Well, he could at least start with finding a place to stay. That, at least, was in his hands.