19
"You're telling me she attacked Joker?" While Kaidan had no doubt if it came down to it Shepard could do some serious damage to the pilot. But nothing in their demeanor had indicated that anything of the sort had happened between the two.
"Well she didn't mean to. After Horizon she kinda shut down. No, stop. I am not blaming you. "He puts up and hand and goes on.
"But everyone knew she wasn't sleeping and no one could talk to her about it. One night it must have gotten so bad EDI informed Joker and he went to check on her. Apparently she was thrashing around so hard he went to wake her afraid she would hurt herself, instead he got it. She must have kicked him before she came to and by then damage was done" The Turrian gives that odd bird shrug again, trying to keep his expression distant.
"I woke up to the sound of her calling Chakwas and carrying him into the med bay. Needless to say sedation was not an option. So we sat up watching her, she didn't trust the Cerberus agents but eventually Thane and Samara took turns. Thane taught her to meditate; it seemed to help calm her. Gave her back a sense of control that she needed I guess"
"So what does that have to do with now?" The idea of people needing to watch over Shepard, thrashing at enemies that aren't there trapped in her own nightmares chilled him.
" It was different than the SR-1. We were HER crew not an Alliance crew that was under her command. She recruited them one by one. You know how she makes a crew hers? Gives them everything they need so they risk it all for the mission?" Kaidan nods.
"Well like Thane, like all of us. She had nothing left to lose. She didn't plan on coming back but that didn't stop her. Samara and I stood next to her when we saw that….thing the Mega Reaper or whatever and she still told the Illusive Man to shove that Reaper where the sun didn't quiet reach. All the while I think she still believed that there was a kill switch somewhere in her brain. Part of her probably hoped there was."
"And then Hackett had her head to the Alpha Relay even though she wasn't Alliance anymore." Kaidan felt his stomach ball up, an odd mix of grief and sympathy for the crew he had only now months later come to understand were not the enemy that he had told himself they were. He had met Taylor at the assault on the scientists and knew Shepard had been in contact with the agent who had brought her back.
Miranda. He internally corrected himself.
Even those two, totally loyal to "the cause" defected for Shepard.
Kaidan and Garrus are silent for a long time, lost in thoughts of the past years. Of family and friends lost because of this war and how things could have been different.
"You know" Garrus interrupts Kaidan's train of thought. "I once asked Shepard how she could be such a good soldier. Know what she told me? I didn't think much of the answer at the time."
The Major tilts his head inquiring.
"She told me it was because she had forgotten how to be anything else."