27

When a Marine says a place is a mess that usually implies that the rack is not folded or that it would fail inspection. When a CO says that their work space is a mess it usually implies that work has spilled over into their other centers filling their bed with data pads and unread reports.

Shepard's room was all that and more. Kaidan had not really been sure what to think when Shepard seemed hesitant to invite him to her room. He was pretty sure she was taking stims but had yet to confront her about it. Hell given the past 6 month she had gone through she could be running on methamphetamines and cybernetics and he could hardly blame her.

The clutter he had seen …God was that really only two days ago? the empty wine glasses and chess board had been replaced with datapads, two empty bottles of scotch and surprisingly only one bottle of stims was evident on her workstation. The most surprising of all were the large paper pads that were strewn across the table and black sticks next to them.

Curious he walks around the table to get a better look. Actual paper was a rarity in space but these pads could have been in her footlockers that were already on board when Alenko and Vega retook the Normandy. Her N7 armor had already been in the armory as was her weapons, proof on Anderson's intentions before the trial. These could have been anywhere throughout the ship like the models had been held in storage while the techs did their repairs.

Sitting down at the couch he picks one up to flip through. Some images he can make out. The overgrown ruins of Ilos, the beacon at Eden Prime but some where nonsensical images. One of what looked like geth machinery and flesh. Horrific images that didn't make much sense but still chilled him.

The realization hit him. He had been a fool. It was not the pills or liquor she had not wanted him to see. It was these things. She had doubted her own actions and was worried he would condemn her looks up from the pad and she is leaning against the wall that separates the table and living area from the work desk. Again she is silently watching him, indecision and doubt fills her face.

"What are these Shep? Some of these I can make out." He gestures back to Ilos. "But others…." He does not point to the more gruesome ones. Instead leaving the page open to the overgrown ruins.

"Art therapy." She grimaces. "Chambers suggested it. Might have been the best suggestion she had considering I am here and she is not." The bile is not hidden in her voice. The Cerberus head shrink had not been one of Shepard's favorites. More than once the Commander had referred to the Communications Officer as her invisible leash. Another set of eyes that had been spying on her while she had a mission to do.

"At first I used it to test my memories. Some of the images came easier than others. The more we learned about the Collectors the more I tried to make sense of the beacon, the cipher. All those Prothean images that didn't make felt like a race against time."

"Did it work?" Most of the images seemed to be battles, planets or technology that didn't look like anything Kaidan had ever seen before.

Again that noncommittal shrug "Sure beat having Liara go trouncing through my brain every time something seemed familiar. "

Finally as if walking in a dream Shepard comes over. Alenko flips through the pages of the pad, each one more graphic than the last. While they are certainly not fine art they are clearly depictions of scenes once you know what to look at. The wires snaking through buildings and into forms clearly Reaper tech.

The first sketches had been black and white but these later ones incorporated red and beige as well. They were disturbing, violent but it was clear the artist had been trying to show something. Whatever that was it seemed Shepard herself did not even know.

Having seen how the Prothean Javik had communicated by touch and Shepard had gained access to his memories it now made sense why the beacons they had discovered were always fragments that didn't make much sense. It would be like trying to make sense of the history of human conflict by looking at a snap shot image of one battle.

"That is why the Illusive Man had me brought back. "Her voice low but resolute. "He could have hired ten ships with all loyal agents for the price of our one to seize the Collector base. This: whatever it is." She motions to the images." Is what he couldn't replicate. That is why he couldn't afford to let anyone modify me beyond the necessary."

Her voice was so flat she might as well have been talking about a map or the weather. Not the idea that she had been completely in the control of and rebuilt by one of the most diabolic men in history. The idea that she was an afterthought to some technology she had burned into her brain. No wonder Garrus had said Shepard had believed there was a dormant kill switch somewhere inside of her.

"Shep don't do this to yourself. Trying to understand the Illusive Man's motives would be like trying to teach that Prothean about music. It doesn't matter what he wanted it, it doesn't matter why. You did what you had to do regardless of what he intended you to."

Not looking up from the sketches the right corner of Shepard's mouth quirks ever so slightly but her eyes remain bitter.

"Yea and the Alliance got a free ship and one hell of an AI and all it cost me was everything I was." She sighed, the sound conveying the grief, exhaustion and hopelessness that she refused to put into words.

"Hey hey. There are things that even the Alliance couldn't take away from you. I saw the reports even when they refused to reinstate you ,you kept sending intel. As much as everyone: me included thought you were a puppet to Cerberus you kept it up. You made two of his top agents defect directly. Who knows how many more now that word has gotten out that they are attacking colonies like Eden Prime.

The Alliance grounded you, threw you in solitary and you gave them provisions before turning yourself in. Ever the Commander watching out for her crew you surrendered so they would be allowed free. You think if it had been anyone else Joker would have been allowed anywhere near this ship? If you hadn't dictated the terms of your surrender before you even hit Earth space? Chakwas doing R&D for Hackett? Hell even me being promoted.

You even came out swinging the day Earth was attacked. Everyone else in that room save you and Anderson are dead. N7 training or not I saw that war zone you were unarmed and unarmored but you made it on foot. Don't sell yourself short Jane."

"Didn't you hear Javik? That beacon on Eden Prime, the archives on Mars they were warnings. I was supposed to be able to prevent this from even happening. Warn the Council, move them away from the Citadel who knows but I didn't. Maybe if I had been a biotic like the Prothean'ss or even a tech who could understand the memory shards better…." She trails off the hopelessness creeping into her voice.

Kaidan was sure this was the first time she even spoken these fears aloud. Regardless of how much she trusted Tali or Garrus on the field or even watching her back these were not the kinks in the armor she would let anyone see. Being on a Cerberus ship with an ever present AI she would have kept it hidden like the good soldier she was.

"Guess what? Regardless of how much hero worship Liara has even the Prothean's were harvested. Did they give us a head start between the signal at the Citadel and the beacons? Maybe but could one person have stopped all this? I would like to see Javik try. That memory shard he has contains the memories of all his people and he won't even look at it. You have been staring at it nonstop for 8 months!" He points at the image of a Prothean being repurposed by the Reapers. The figure reaching up to the sky in the final death throes that conveyed all that had been lost to the ages.