Alenko woke feeling as if he had fallen down a mountain in full armor. The thrashing had started up again a few hours later but unlike the first time Shepard had not woken or seemed to even known he was there. He had just held her down whispering to her. This was more bearable than the vacant eyes from earlier.

The terror you mean.

Once she seemed to have stilled again he hazarded a look at the clock alongside the bed. It had only been a few hours. It was just after 0900 and the drugs were supposed to knock someone Kaidan's size out for 12. Jane Shepard was markedly smaller and lighter then he but still her system had been fighting against them. If this was the reaction that both Joker and Garrus had experienced he had understood why they had said the drugs were no solution. How had she managed those months alone on Earth?

Alone with her nightmares. Little wonder she clung to Anderson and Vega. You weren't even allowed to visit.

He did notice this time however that in her sleep her demeanor had seemed to relax slightly, finally giving in to exhaustion and falling into deep sleep. After the initial thrashing and attempts to get away, this time she seemed almost aware of his presence. Before he had used his body weight to pin her down to prevent injury to either one of them now she had wrapped her arm around his and nestled in him. Her shivering had stopped and she seemed almost at ease in his embrace. That was probably why his body was reacting.

Not the best time He tries to calm himself.

Even worse than having to force Shepard to take drugs to sleep was trying to explain how her body against his had caused his reaction should she wake unexpectedly.

This is what you wanted all these times when you missed her. Fantasized about her after she was gone.

But not like this. He had spoken to her on Mars and in typical Shepard fashion she had been upfront with him. She had even told him then she still cared about him but he had not been ready to hear it. For him what was a lifetime ago, when he lost her had only been a few months to Shepard.

The Collectors, the Alpha Relay even her incarceration had left little time for her to contact him after Horizon. He at least had the Alliance reports to keep up with the Normandy while he was training his recruits. She had been in a blackout until Hackett had called in his "personal favor."

She had been angry at him on Mars, he had seen the rage in her eyes but she had bit her tongue. The shock of Earth and leaving Anderson behind only compounding the hurt that Kaidan had not trusted her when she had needed someone. Only showing her true feelings in the hospital when she thought no one could see. The emotion finally getting the better of her while he was comatose and could not push her away.

After the Citadel attackand Udina they had talked but the war was already pushing her to her breaking point. She had wanted him on the Normandy, had said so from the moment he woke in the hospital but she had held back saying it was for HER sake not the mission she wanted him there.

At Apollo they had finally taken some time for themselves and he had seen how much she was still the same woman he had given his heart to. Strong,determined but still afraid of putting too much of herself out there. She had been spurned not only by him but by the Alliance but she didn't let that show how much it hurt her.

He knew better.

Shepard shifted in her sleep and made that small cooing noise again. She finished moving and her hip was rubbing directly against him. Her face half buried into his chest.

Really? Like I'm going to be able to sleep NOW.

He looked over at her and was surprised to see she was actually smiling in her sleep. The worry line between her eyebrows had finally released and the fine lines and bruised color that had darkened around her eyes also seemed have faded as well.

Her hair still smells like cut hay.

The nostalgia swept him up. In the days after the attack on the Citadel after she had gotten light duty from her injuries he had spent many nights with her. The smell of her had never gotten old, even hours after they got suited up he would smell sunshine and cut hay from her hair on his clothes.

With a gentle hand he runs the back of his finger along the side of her face. The strong angular cheekbones that on anyone else would look mannish but defined her face. The small nose that had just a few freckles on it from her time absorbing sun planet side. Her skin was lighter now, having lost the tan from a childhood spent on a farm. The image of her from Horizon springing to mind. The glowing orange against the pale skin. How he had wanted her to be a fake then but now so glad she wasn't.

He noticed the scar on the bridge of her nose that had extended under her right eye was gone. After her cybernetic scars closed he was sure more than a few of her hard earned battle scars had been replaced by new ones. From what he had seen in the past few hours he wondered how many of them were physical and how many of them had scarred her much deeper.

Resisting his body's insistence he tries to find a comfortable position. A few minutes of shifting uncomfortably against her warm body tells Kaidan as much as he was complaining about feeling to old earlier parts of him were still more than willing to act like a teenager in her presence.

Ok this is ridiculous.

Disengaging himself from both Jane and the covers he regretfully leaves the bed. Before attempting sleep they had informed EDI to keep messages on silent or to contact Kaidan if there was an extreme emergency. Joker had not come on shift yet so there were no barbs or smart ass remarks only acknowledgement.

Not wanting to disturb Shepard he makes his way over to the table. Stumbling over a pile of clothes near the bed he makes a mental note with a smile.

Not black and lacey but jewel green and definably not SI.

Sitting down at the table he grabs one of the half empty mugs. Taking a sip of the cold contents with a grimace he is not surprised to taste old coffee and scotch.

She brought you brandy in the hospital. She drinks it with Karin when the doctor has. Will have to ask what kind of testing she put her liver through since she sounded so sure. We can pick up something much nicer next time we have a free few hours. The thought of that made him smile.

Settling down he looks at the datapads scattered across the table and couch. He picks up one and begins to read. Somehow he was not surprised that none of them were password protected. Shepard was not a tech but more than once she had shown her trust in him by leaving him unattended with her personal correspondence.

And you repaid it by bugging her mailbox.

Pushing that guilt away he begins to read.

Shepard,

Subject Re:Re:Re:Re:Re

I hope this message finds you well. I know you are very busy so taking the time to write your letters brings me happiness in dark times. I have been spending much time with the priests since returning home. Arranging my father's affairs was brief, given his profession I understand he made sure things were in place long ago. You were right that only now is his loss beginning to hit me. I am lucky to have my aunts and uncle who watched over me when my mother died to be support me now at well. I pray you too will find the strength in others during these most difficult times.

-Kolyat

That was the most recent ones but there were letter dating back since they had first left the Citadel. Kaidan thinks back to the first time he had felt jealous of the Drell who seemed to be on Shepard's mind often and now he understood more. In times of war and so much death it was important to keep those who matter to you as close as you could. He glanced over to the form in the bed. A pile of blanket and just the top of sandy red hair visible and his heart felt whole for the first time in a very long time.

Shepard,

Subject Re:Re:Re:Re:Re

I have enclosed the meditations you asked for translations from the memorial. I also took the liberty of enclosing some of the tales of Siha. As far as I can tell the closest your culture has to her would be a Valkyrie. It does seem fitting.

Kolyat

The majority of the messages had been quick replies that must have been written between missions. There were so many messages from people she had saved that just wanted to thank her personally. Or forwarded transmissions from planets that mentioned her by everyone's least favorite newscaster.

If I have to try to say her name I will trip over my own tongue.

Al-Jinna? Jinnani? Even she had been swayed by Shepard's war efforts.

The last message to have been queued up caught Kaidan's eye. It had been transmitted from Earth but was dated several weeks ago and never opened.

Subject: I remember you.

Commander I am not sure if this will get to you but I had to try. You helped me when I had first gotten free and made my way to the Citadel. You talked me into seeing doctors who helped me regain my words and myself. You also paid for those doctors. They told me when you had died that there was enough to help me for as long as I needed it.

I never got a chance to thank you before the war but I wanted to now. I want you to know that I remember you. I remember your family since there was not so many human families there yet with kids. I remember home as it was before the attacks. For a long time I could not get anything straight in my head but the doctors have helped me become me again.

The hospital is closing now because of the war. I have decided to go back to Minoir. I know it is much different than when we left but I would like to see it again before the war gets too bad. My doctors think it will be safe too because the population is so small. We were never a big colony anyway. Did you know the new settlement is named Shepardsport? You might not like it but I like to think it is named for your whole family. The family that saved the colony and now the galaxy.

I also wanted to show you what I remembered in case the worse should happen. The doctors told me my memories were confused but over the past few years they helped me make sense of them. They thought I was putting you into my memories because you had saved me at the Citadel but I remember now.

I remember James. At first I didn't know who he was but the purple eyes gave it away. My doctors thought I was trying to make sense of everything but I found the records on my own. He was in the schools army program so I guess he wanted to help. I guess being a hero runs in your blood.

He was the one who tried to save us when the first attacks came, I am not sure if you knew that. He was older so I didn't know him well but I wanted you to know that someone else remembers how he saved all those people that day.

Eternally Grateful,

Talitha Gavin –Mindor

Kaidan had been with Shepard when C-Sec had contacted her. He could not exactly remember if they were in a meeting with Udina or Pallin but she had just up and left. The girl was a mess when they got there- a pistol to her own temple. Shaved head, mostly starved but wanting to place Shepard who she seemed to be able to remember from a lifetime ago.

Jane had been very distant for days after that. At the time he did not know his new Commander well enough to push the issue but now looking back it made sense. The life that had been ripped away from her had been drug back into the present and she handled it the same way she had learned to handle every personal problem. Push it down and make your work primary.

The girl had been taken into care and Shepard had never mentioned it again. But apparently like Kaidan's mother she had done something about it. And the revelation that she had had a brother who had been killed made an odd kind of sense too. She had never wanted to talk about the attack even if most of it was public knowledge.

James. A solider recruit. 16 years old about to leave and enlist in the Alliance and managed to get himself killed in the process of saving his little sister.

Suddenly the comment she had made about being twelve and too lucky at the time made more sense. He had lived with survivors' guilt over the Normandy for two years and it had almost ruined him. Shepard had lived with it for her whole life. The conversation in the battery with Garrus came to mind.

"I once asked Shepard how she could be such a good soldier. She told me it was because she had forgotten how to be anything else."

"Oh Shep" He whispers softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

A/N Working on multiple different chapters at the same time. Decided to cut this one here and see what you guys think since I am my own worst critic. Let me know!-Raven