The rest of the briefing went well enough even if Shepard was clearly a little distant. EDI informs them that they are in a holding pattern since there are so many refugee ships looking for a safe port. Shepard frowns and tells the AI if they haven't gotten clearance in another 15 she will get on the horn with Alliance. It is clear to Alenko that she does not relish the idea of bullying refugees out of the dock.
Even with the attack by Cerberus more and more people were fleeing to the Citadel, one of the last supposed safe refuges. Just going down to the wards it is clear that these people had no alternatives. That was why Guarrus and Shepard had stepped in, arranging food and medical supplies, organizing and bringing news whenever they were in port.
That was why Tali had given Kaidan the assignment of keeping Garrus busy on the Presidium. The Turrian like the Commander would make sure everyone else went on R&R and then burry himself in other work. Kaidan was determined that neither soldier was going to have that option this time around.
Ending the briefing Shepard informs him that she will call him when they are ready to talk with Tevos and the Asari High Command. Apolitically she informs him that knowing the councilor Tevos will take a long time coming to see the need for training refuges that just lost their home. Liara and Shepard will iron out most of the details before Kaidan gets pulled into it.
"In the meantime try to enjoy your shore leave."
Given the turbulent nature of her mood swings, Kaidan searches Shepard's face for the gab or underhanded innuendo but finds nothing. The walls are back up and Jane is gone, leaving only Commander Shepard who had a job to do and damn few soldiers to do it with.
He excuses himself and heads down to the crew deck. His mind is a mix of emotions and he could almost feel his implant ticking in time with his pulse. Sure it was two years later but had he really gotten so bad at reading Shepard's subtle queues? Or worse was it just she was so radically different that she was not the same woman he had missed for the past two and a half years?
No. Those moments when she lets her guard down. She is exactly the same, weary, battle scarred but who wasn't in all this.
The image of her snuggling into him in her sleep springs to mind and he is sure she is still in there, struggling to get out galaxy be damned.
Luckily for his mindset and just emerging headache the rest of the crew was busy preparing for their much needed shore break. It had been a difficult few days on everyone. Even the medbay appeared empty, which was good for the L2. Making a beeline for the medical cabinets Kaidan is not surprised to see Shepard's name as one of the last ones to sign anything out. Stims right after Thessia. After the fight with Kai Lang and getting checked over by Chakwas she must have signed them out. Who would want to sleep after that?
Hearing the door open Kaidan was almost expecting Shepard but instead saw the doctor.
You are in the medbay genius. He reminds himself.
"Ah Major I was hoping you would remember to take your medications. I can't nag everyone like I have to with Jeff."
She steps alongside him and takes a different bottle out. Glancing down at the log she nods and adds a note to her inventory.
"When you see the Commander tell her Tactus has sent more requests. "
"What makes you think I will be seeing the Commander before we disembark?"
"Please Major" she says with a chuckle. "I might be old but I am not dead."
He sighs giving the older woman a crocked smile; she had been with Shepard the whole time after all. If there was someone who could offer insight into the changes within the Commander it would be Karin. He flips the log entry back, surprised to see Shepard's name very infrequently. Only after major conflicts signing out antibiotics or pain killers as needed, not stims. The log also went back further then dry dock which Kaidan had not been expecting.
Well that is a good sign then at least.
"Whatever you are looking for Major it is not there."
The voice comes from her terminal where she had sat down. Turned to face him with her hands folded neatly in her lap, waiting for him to finish his pointless search.
"And given the way the Normandy left Earth you will also find the crew medical files abysmally out of date. Especially Flight Lt. Moreau and the Commanders." She said with a fake frown that wouldn't convince a five year old.
"You falsified documents Doctor?" The idea struck him, she had after all been working for an enemy organization .
"Nothing so serious Kaidan." She puts up a gloved hand with a chuckle. "When Shepard turned herself over to the Alliance I just made sure to very thoroughly wipe my terminal. With the help of an AI and a Geth."
"The way I figured it, if I was going to be tried as an accomplice to a war criminal shoddy recordkeeping would be the least heinous offense they threw at me."
"But you found something worth hiding then." He pressed.
"Nothing so direct Major I assure you. But my thought was… " She pauses a moment on how to phrase her reply.
"Garrus told you about the first few days after Omega yes? The examinations she ordered?" He nods.
"Well we found nothing. A few elevated cortisol readings, enlarged hypothalamus, but nothing to raise alarm. Instead of allaying Shepard's fears that only seemed to make it worse for her to handle. I didn't want the Alliance to have that to hold against her when the trial came up. I didn't want them to say she was a construct, not a soldier because of some readings that they could spin however they wanted."
"You were afraid they would section 8 her."
"The Alliance had never admitted she was back in the first place. Until the Alpha Relay we were not to set foot in Alliance Space so they had ignored the problem until it came back to bite them. Shepard turned herself in and she was very clearly the same woman so they had to stall until they could figure out what do about everything. But the Reapers took care of that for them."
"You really think the Alliance would have done that? I mean after the crash they asked me about her mental state even back on Earth right before they asked me if she seemed sound but I chalked it up to grasping at straws."
"Ever the optimist Kaidan one of the many reasons she likes you." The doctor gives him a matronly smile. "Allow me to put it this way. They made Shepard into the ideal war hero, a martyr who went down with the ship saving her crew, saved the council, and suddenly she is back literally from the dead working with a known terrorist organization and while working outside the law you manage to kill over 30 thousand people. Do you think the brass would want to touch that? Don't you think it would be easier to just say it was a mech? A robot made to look like a dead Commander as a ploy to weaken the Alliance holdings in the Terminus systems?"
It made sense why the Doctor had cleared the logs. It was bad enough the Alliance had ignored Shepard's warning until Earth was attacked but to think they would have written her off had not been for her sending reports to Anderson and turning herself in.
"I have been talking to her, sometimes it's like she is a totally different person. I was worried it was PTSD or even a form of bi-polar …" He admitted, feeling guilty he looks at his hands clenching and unclenching around the pill bottle.
"Well I am no psychologist which judging by Shepard's reactions to Mrs. Chambers I deem a good thing but I think there is only so much fight left in a person. Shepard had lost everything that made her, her and only now do I think she is starting to get it back." She gives Kaidan a meaningful look.
"You can't be serious."
The idea that all this was some sort of subconscious identity crisis was too crazy. The guilt over Cerberus and anger at the Alliance even at him for not being there after Horizon. It made an odd kind of sense.
"Think about who Shepard recruited to the Omega mission. We were working for Cerberus a known human centric crew and who did she bring on board?"
He thinks for a minute before he sees what Chakwas is alluding to.
"An Asari, A turrian, a Salarian,a Krogan, a Quarrian and a Drell?" A small smile reaching his lips. Even in the early days of the SR-1 Ash and Pressley had almost had a heart attack when she brought on alien species and treated them like the crew.
Because they WERE her crew. Still are.
"And the human she brought on board was even more anti Cerberus then she was. The mercenary and the thief were just added bonuses. But Shepard did what she always does. The thing that makes her such a damn effective Captain and now coordinator of this whole damn mess. She took them and made them a unit." She leans back in her chair , turning slightly to the console and puts in the pass lock.
"What exactly are you looking for Major? Since I already broke patient confidentially perhaps there is something in specific you want? Rather than stabbing in the dark before a much needed mental health break?"
A/N I am not thrilled with this chapter and I am not sure why. I might recon it later if I can make it flow better. As always feedback and suggestions are welcome! The weekend got really crazy so I have to get back in the flow of the story. And a big welcome to all the new followers and readers! -R