Chapter 129 - Sweet Pain
"Hey, Kakashi-san, can I ask you a favor?"
Yamato rarely asked Kakashi for favors any more. But this wasn't a comfort.
"I'm sorry, I'm busy."
"Busy…? Doing what?"
Kakashi sighed. If that didn't chase him off, then that meant he really needed something. And there was really only one thing Yamato ever wanted from Kakashi.
"Do you need me to watch Kotoji for you?"
"Oh, no, actually. Hashiki-san's minding him for the day."
Of course she was.
"Then what do you need me for?"
"I… wanted to ask you out—I, I mean, for coffee or something…"
"I don't like coffee."
"Um… tea, then?"
Yamato's voice was quickly becoming less convincing.
"Yamato, I don't feel like going out."
Kakashi expected the call to end there. But it didn't.
"…Kakashi-san, is something the matter?"
"Nothing's the matter. I'm just tired. Maybe another time."
"Ah… Does later this week work?"
"When I'm not tired."
Kakashi hoped it was enough of a non-answer.
There was silence on the other end, for a while. There was no squealing laughter in the background, no familiar quiet chaos.
And Yamato continued.
"…please take care of yourself, Kakashi-san."
Kakashi felt his head tilt slightly back, as if Yamato were actually talking to him.
"You think I'm not?"
"You just seem to be more tired lately."
"I'm old, Yamato."
"You're not old, you're not even sixty."
Kakashi sighed.
"I feel old. So let me be an old man in peace."
Yamato sighed.
"If you say so… Just—take care of yourself, okay?"
Kakashi found himself shaking his head.
"You already said that. I heard you the first time."
"Just making sure… I'm worried about you, Kakashi-san."
Kakashi's reply was almost automatic. Well-practiced, at least.
"Well, don't be. I'm fine."
"All right… senpai."
Kakashi was too tired for this. Too tired to even correct him.
"Goodbye, Yamato."
The silence on the other end was soft with the faint hiss of static.
"…bye, Kakashi-san."
Yamato, finally, hung up. And Kakashi returned to his couch, where he'd wanted to be in the first place.
But although he'd gotten back to where he wanted to be, the call left him unsettled. Out of place.
Then again, this was nothing new. And unlike most unsettling feelings, far-off and atmospheric like a coming storm, he knew exactly where these feelings came from.
It all began on the day after Orochimaru's return.
The day before that, Kakashi had fled with the sirens to Yamato's house, and stood guard near the door while Yamato tried to keep Kotoji from getting scared, distracting him with books and toys until it was all over. Yamato never asked why Kakashi had suddenly appeared, only thanking him for being there. Thank goodness.
(Kakashi's true mental reasoning was that he didn't want anything to happen to Kotoji, the rare, precious Hokage-child that he was.)
(He didn't want there to be trouble.)
Kakashi did not leave until he was able to confirm with chuunin making security sweeps that the danger had passed completely, and after that went home, knowing he would probably be summoned on Council business in the coming days, and would have to be easily contacted. And business was indeed conducted in the following days, and decisions were made, and peace was kept.
But in his absence, Yamato met Hashiki.
He had read about her story in the paper, the day after the incident, and had gone to Naruto asking who, exactly, she was. And through a jumbled series of meetings and partings and messages, it was eventually expressed that, yes, Hashiki would love to meet him, and soon afterward was able to.
They got along absurdly well. Not only did they share talents—though Hashiki had far more stamina than Yamato, on account of her body—but there was a sort of tragic kinship between them, forged by the touch of Orochimaru in their past. After all, cover story aside, much of Hashiki still considered herself a victim of Orochimaru's experiments, and Yamato had his fair share of trauma behind him, some remembered, some not. Of course there were also factors of compatible attitudes and interests, and that was enough to keep them going for a while.
But above all, the two of them adored their sons immensely. And this adoration was contagious.
Yamato met Go'on early, since he was with his mother during their first meeting.
(For this first meeting, and for many of the following, Kakashi watched Kotoji, who was very curious about this new person in his father's life.)
Though cautious with him, as he was with all human strangers, Go'on warmed to Yamato quickly, and they even more quickly bonded with him over a discussion of wildlife that Hashiki looked over and drank in with her ears like a glass of clean, cold water. The boy was present for many of their other meetings, certainly, but as time passed there would be times when Hashiki asked that she and Yamato have time to themselves, without him, usually for an evening, and Go'on always innocently obliged, finding something to do to keep busy.
It took a while for Yamato to introduce Hashiki to Kotoji, but they finally managed, at her insistence.
(Kakashi didn't hear about this until Yamato called him to report, laughter in his voice, about what had happened.)
(All it brought to Kakashi was a feeling of emptiness and distance. But he did not speak a word of this.)
Hashiki came over at the appointed time, knocking on Yamato's door, and she was let in with a warm hug. Kotoji watched them from the floor with the plastic blocks he'd been playing with, head tilted sideways.
"Is that him?" Hashiki said.
Yamato said that it was, and asked for Kotoji to come over.
Kotoji regarded them both with narrowed, curious eyes, but eventually stood, and Yamato introduced her to him as his friend, Senritsu Hashiki.
"Hello, there," Hashiki said, smiling warmly. She bent down to eye level with the boy; her hair was gathered at the small of her back with a piece of ribbon, and the "tail" of it swung near her legs. "Your name's Kotoji, right? Your daddy's told me a lot about you."
"Yeah? An' who are you?" Kotoji replied.
Yamato repeated that Hashiki was his friend, laughing slightly.
"I met your daddy because he found out we're somewhat like family," Hashiki explained.
"Fam'ly?" Kotoji said.
"Yes. We… well, he and I were descended from the same people."
"What's ascended mean?" Kotoji asked.
Hashiki laughed. "Descended. It means to come from."
"Huh, okay," Kotoji said. He looked back over his shoulder at his plastic blocks, still scattered on the floor haphazardly.
Yamato said that he doubted Kotoji would really understand the situation, him being so young.
"I think I know what he might understand," Hashiki said, smiling more, and she adjusted herself so that she was actually sitting on the floor, now, near the boy. "Kotoji-kun, would you like to see a trick?" she said.
This got his attention. "Yeah, a trick? Like what?"
"Watch very carefully," she said.
Kotoji watched very carefully.
Hashiki held out her left hand, palm-forward, and passed her right hand over it. She closed her fingers around something as she did so, and within seconds a linen-white daisy with a dirt-brown face had begun to grow from her fist.
Kotoji's eyes were as round and as bright as a full moon. "You can make flowers grow too?!" he said.
"Yes, it's because we're family," she replied. She held out the daisy to him, and Kotoji took it, an awestruck smile on his face.
"…are you my mommy, then?" he said, his voice almost hushed.
Yamato tried to stammer out something that, no, Hashiki wasn't his mommy, but Hashiki just laughed.
"No, no, I'm not your mommy," she said.
"But you can do the flower thing an' you're ascended from Daddy!" Kotoji said. "Don't that mean you're my mommy?"
"I'm afraid that's not how it works, Kotoji-kun," Hashiki replied. "Your daddy and I are more like… cousins."
"I 'unno what that is," Kotoji said. He continued on, without pause. "You could be my mommy, though, right? Like, if you wanted?"
Hashiki laughed. "That's up to your daddy, sweet one," she said, and glanced back at Yamato as she talked. "If he wanted me to be your mommy, though, then I'd gladly agree without a moment's hesitation."
(Yamato had to repeat himself several times, in reporting this part to Kakashi, his flushed face present even in his voice.)
(Kakashi replied, "Well, Kotoji certainly speaks his mind, you know that. He's a child.")
(And nothing more.)
"I'd really like that," Kotoji said. "I mean, we're fam'ly. And I like you." He added, peeking over the head of the daisy, "You're the most prettiest lady I ever seen."
Hashiki laughed mightily in return. "Pretty, am I?"
Kotoji nodded earnestly. "Yeah. You want a flower? I'll make you a flower f'you want." His eyes glanced between Hashiki and his father for a moment. "Umm… f'that's all right I mean, Daddy…"
Yamato said that it was perfectly all right, so long as he didn't grow it from out of the floor.
Kotoji grinned, exposing the wide gap between his front teeth. "Okay, okay! Well, um… what's your most fav'rite flower?"
"My favorite flower…?" Hashiki's eyes wandered up, softening a little while her face seemed to sharpen at the edges. She returned from her thoughts with a certain smile. "The narcissus."
"Hey, that's my fav'rite!"
"Is it really!" Hashiki said.
Yamato reported that Kotoji's favorite flower tended to cycle based on what was new and pretty at the local flower shop, and that narcissus was one that had lasted a particularly long time, so it was luck of the draw.
Kotoji mostly ignored him, taking a leaf from the daisy that Hashiki had given him and focusing on it to pull forth a narcissus from it. He presented it to her, full-grown, with bright triumph.
"Thank you, Kotoji-kun. It's lovely," she said, bringing it close to her nose to smell it.
"You're lovey," Kotoji replied, and she laughed again.
(There was more laughter when Hashiki noticed, later, that there was an Uchiha crest embroidered on the back of Kotoji's shirt. "Oh, if Madara-sama saw this, a Senju wearing an Uchiha emblem…")
("Who's Madra-san?" Kotoji asked.)
(Hashiki wiped at her eye, recovering from her laughter. "Someone I used to care about very much.")
Hashiki came by to visit Kotoji very, very frequently from then on out, not only for the pleasure of the boy's company, but because she was able to rein in his rapidly-developing abilities far more easily than Yamato could, and even volunteered to be the one to train him how to properly use his Wood Release once he was older. Yamato was overwhelmed and relieved, overworked as he was.
And on the subject of overwork, Hashiki was providing assistance as well.
Being that her body was unable to grow tired or run out of chakra, she almost immediately worked it out with Naruto that any sort of public works project previously assigned to Yamato should be assigned to her instead, so that Yamato could rest and have more time with his son. Naruto thought it was a great idea.
"We'll have to register you as at least a genin though, y'know… But I guess 'cos you're part-Hokage we might have to go higher than that…"
Hashiki shrugged, smiling. "Is there a classification for half-Hokages, even…?" she said. "I don't want to be assigned combat missions, if you please, so if you want to file me as a genin that's perfectly fine."
She had a forehead protector for the purpose within the afternoon, which she tied to her belt and wore quite proudly when at work, building houses and restoring buildings and growing gardens and crops. Many of her missions had her leaving Konohagakure proper, and during such times she asked Yamato to watch after Go'on for her, which he was more than glad to do.
Go'on had an uneasy time the first few nights in the enclosed, foreign apartment, but he found that Yamato was a gracious and comforting host, and Kotoji an even more enthusiastic playmate. They frequently went to the park together, the three of them; Go'on had no training to do, with the chuunin exams over and his sensei still in the hospital, and the break was appreciated.
Of course, Kakashi didn't take part in any of this.
Yamato still called him, from time to time, to watch Kotoji. But it was always for evenings spent with Hashiki, and Kakashi took to his duties with the tepid mindset that, as usual, he was just the most convenient resource at the time, and nothing more.
(This mindset felt far stronger than it had in the past.)
He would almost never turn Yamato down, but after a time he began suggesting that Go'on, being thirteen years old and a chuunin exam finalist, would do well as a replacement. Yamato resisted: "Go'on-kun has his own things to do, Kakashi-san. And besides, Kotoji loves when you visit."
"Kotoji loves it when anyone visits," Kakashi had replied, that particular instance, and then sighed. "I'll come over this one time, but please, just consider."
Kakashi wondered how long he was going to let this continue.
There was beginning to be less and less of a practical reason for him to be around, what with Hashiki and Go'on forming a firm structure to hold up the places where Kakashi had once been used.
And Kotoji was growing up.
Kakashi supposed that things happened for a reason, and that a wise man knew when it was time to stop.
Someday soon. Maybe Kotoji's birthday, in December.
Then, he would quietly pack away himself from their lives, and return to the way things used to be.
It was what he had to do.
"I had a feeling I'd find you here."
In some respects, Kakashi was almost surprised that Minato-sensei had found him. But then again, he'd been visiting the cemetery almost every morning lately, so at some point he was bound to notice.
"What's going on, Kakashi-kun?"
"Just visiting," Kakashi replied. He had his hands in his pockets.
"Visiting, is it?" He heard Minato walk up beside him, but on the side where he couldn't see.
"Mm."
"You've been late to training lately."
"I'm a jounin, Sensei. And you're busy with Hokage business."
"Yeah, that is true. But it's nice for all of us to get together once in a while."
"Mm."
It was an overcast day, the sky all covered up with clouds too light to carry rain. Obito had hated days like that, wanting either one or the other, boiling sun or torrential rain.
"Kushina says you two talked, the other day."
The woman had talked. "We didn't talk about anything," Kakashi replied.
"Really? She says otherwise."
"She just asked me where you were, and I said Rin would know. That's all."
Minato was silent in reply. Then: "You miss Obito?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Kakashi replied.
"Well, do you?" Minato continued.
Kakashi ended up staring at his sensei's feet. "Of course I miss him. Why wouldn't I?"
"Mm. Just checking."
His eye returned to the clean, unremarkable stone that held Obito's name. "What's going on, Sensei?"
"What do you mean by that, Kakashi-kun?"
"This isn't like you, to talk to me like this," Kakashi said.
"Well, I figure it's my duty as your mentor to check in on you and make sure you're okay."
Kakashi looked at him fully, now. Minato wore a look of easy disinterest.
"You don't think I'm okay?"
"Well, you just lost a friend in battle. And you're obviously grieving."
"I can handle grief," Kakashi said.
"Mm? Like when your father died?"
Kakashi returned to the stone. "I was six when he died, Sensei. I was a little kid."
"You still are a kid, Kakashi," Minato said.
From the mouth of his woman, words like that had been teasing, certainly, but almost affectionate.
From Minato-sensei, they just made him feel small, and unimportant, and weak.
His face burned under his mask. "Even kids can handle themselves."
"Mm, you're right," Minato said. But Kakashi felt no satisfaction from the answer. "Still," Minato continued, "I can't help but feel that you're trying too hard."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Trying to carry this all on your own. Most people seek… I dunno, comfort and guidance from others when they're grieving."
"I don't need comfort and I don't need guidance," Kakashi said.
"Ah, so you don't need me, then? For guidance?"
Kakashi paused. "You're my sensei. I can always learn more from you."
"Fair enough," Minato replied. "I'm not much for emotional, uh… guidance, anyways. Girls are better at that. Maybe Rin would do a better job."
The hot feeling in Kakashi's face had spread to his chest. "Rin lost a friend too, Sensei."
Minato shrugged. "Misery loves company, isn't that what they say?"
"If Rin wanted to talk to me about this, she would have already," Kakashi said.
"Mm, true. She's a good girl," Minato said.
Rin had already come to Kakashi under the pretense of checking on his eye, and had sewn in words of worry and offers of comfort, when she spoke.
But Kakashi didn't want to bother her.
"I'm doing fine on my own, Sensei," Kakashi said.
"Yeah, I don't doubt you," Minato replied. "Hell, you're a strong kid, Kakashi. And everyone deals with grief in their own way. If you're happiest on your own, then I'll leave you be."
Kakashi didn't say anything.
"Well, I guess that counts as checking in on you," Minato continued, after inhaling deeply. "One less thing to worry about."
"You shouldn't worry about me, Sensei," Kakashi said.
"I'll try not to, Kakashi-kun," Minato replied. He exhaled. "Well, then, I'll leave you to your business. But try to make it to practice on time more often, okay? Give your old sensei something to do aside from all this dull Hokage stuff."
"Sure, Sensei," Kakashi replied.
"Good. See you soon, then."
And Minato left.
But despite his request, Kakashi rarely came to practice on time after that, if at all. He had other things to do, other duties to attend to.
And beyond that, it hurt less.
It hurt less, not allowing the hot pain in his chest to leak out into the lives of people who were obviously coping better than he was. It was not so unbearable that Kakashi felt the need to foist it onto others. He could handle it alone, and he did.
Distance was always his best and most reliable armor.
And in the months that followed, it had never served him better.
Losing Rin, losing Minato, would certainly have been that much more painful if he hadn't put on his armor long before.
Kakashi didn't realize he'd been asleep until the knocks on his door awoke him, and his memory-dream swam thickly through his consciousness as he stumbled to answer it.
He really did think he was still dreaming, if only for a moment, when he saw who was there.
"Yamato…?"
"I'm sorry, Kakashi-san, I couldn't help myself…" Yamato looked thin and almost brittle, standing there, a scarf wrapped over his shoulders.
Kakashi rubbed the sleep-stiffness out of his eye. "What couldn't you help…? Get in here already; it's cold out tonight."
Yamato rubbed his hands in worry, or to warm them, as Kakashi closed the door behind them.
"So, what are you doing here?" Kakashi said.
"Well, I was… worried about you. And I couldn't calm myself down, so I decided to come see you myself," Yamato said.
"Worried about me…? But there's nothing wrong," Kakashi said.
Yamato shook his head. "No, no, there is something wrong, which is why I… have to talk to you about it."
Kakashi sighed. "If you say so…"
"Please, we can talk, right?" Yamato said.
"Of course we can talk."
"Good, okay." Yamato paused, his eyes focused somewhere near his elbow, before looking back at Kakashi. "I don't know where to start…"
Kakashi sighed again. "Will it help if you sit down?"
"Yes, sure, that sounds like a good idea…"
Kakashi led him to the couch, and they sat in silence for a while.
Then: "Well… Kakashi-san, I'm worried about you."
"That's kind of obvious, Yamato."
Yamato frowned at himself. "You're not taking me seriously, are you?"
"I'm listening to you, but I also have no idea what you're worried about."
Yamato closed his eyes in frustration.
"What, do you just have a bad feeling about me?" Kakashi continued. "Because I doubt -"
"I'm worried that you're distancing yourself from us, Kakashi-san."
Kakashi's cloak of light sarcasm was swept quite suddenly aside.
"Distancing, huh." It wasn't a question.
(He just hadn't expected Yamato to notice.)
"These offers to have Go'on-kun babysit Kotoji instead of you, you avoiding Hashiki-san, you avoiding me… It feels like you're a… cat about to die, and looking for somewhere isolated to finally pass. And I'm scared."
"I'm not going to die, Yamato," Kakashi said.
"Then what are you doing?" Yamato said. "Are you sick?"
"I'm not sick, either. I'm just…"
If Yamato had figured out this much, then he could handle the clear honesty.
(Surely?)
"…I'm doing what's right, and getting out of the way so I'm no longer a burden."
"A burden?!" Yamato sounded genuinely outraged. "That's what you think you are? Kakashi-san, you're not-"
"Think about it in purely practical terms, Yamato," Kakashi interrupted. "You have Hashiki now. She's young, and strong, and she can take care of you and Kotoji in a way that I can't. I'm not contributing anything."
"…how can you speak like that?" Yamato said, his voice quieting. "Kakashi, relationships aren't… things you can just measure in practical terms alone."
"It makes a lot more sense if you do."
"That's not right. And beyond that, Kakashi-san, how can you say you have nothing to contribute? Kotoji loves you."
"Kotoji loves everyone," Kakashi said, lowering his eye.
"Not like he loves you, Kakashi-san. He asks about you every day he doesn't see you…"
Kakashi closed his eye, and sighed, shaking his head. "Kotoji is why I'm doing this, Yamato. He's a good boy, and he needs to be well-taken care of. I can't do that."
"Kakashi-san, of course you can…"
"I can't guarantee anything, which is why I can't," Kakashi said firmly, looking back at him. "Before Hashiki, I was fine with being around, because I knew I could at least do something if anything happened to you. But now you have her. Therefore, I don't need to be around any more."
"Are you talking about… if something were to happen to me…?" Yamato said.
"We're not young any more, Yamato," Kakashi replied.
"I know we're not, Kakashi-san, but—but that's an awful way to look at things!" Yamato said. "I didn't even know you felt this way…"
"I don't want Kotoji to suffer. That's all," Kakashi said. "I'd rather live alone and know that he was being taken care of by somebody that can provide for him."
"As opposed to…?"
The truth came out of him, dryly and lightly, like dust coming off of a long-unopened door.
"Having him grow up uncertain of if the people he loves can be relied upon for anything," Kakashi replied. "That's no way to live."
Yamato's eyes, great and blank and dark, were fixed upon Kakashi for a long while.
"…is that how you grew up, Kakashi?"
"It's not a way for anyone to live," Kakashi replied.
"Well… you're right about that," Yamato said, though uncertainly.
"So, you understand," Kakashi continued. "It's for Kotoji's sake. So he grows up well."
"…but what about your sake, Kakashi-san?"
"How does my sake factor into this at all?"
"Living alone, without loved ones, is also no way to live," Yamato said.
"I don't…" Kakashi began, but the words settled on his tongue and were still.
"Kakashi-san…" Yamato's eyes were downcast. "Growing up, I didn't have any friends. I was kept isolated from others, raised by ANBU operatives. Sure, I was trained, and I had peers, but I only ever thought of myself in relation to others as a tool for the people's use. Even our enemies thought of me that way, you remember what happened during the War…"
A small smile, barely visible, began to grow on his face.
"But then I got to meet people like you, and Naruto-kun, and my students—for however short a time." An awkward laugh. "And now I have a son, and only because of my indiscretion and bad luck…"
Kakashi felt words in his throat, but they stayed there.
"I'm honestly an idiot when it comes to other people… I've spent so long being kept away from them in some way or another that I just seem to only… mess up, whether it's in speaking, or behavior, or what have you. And yet…"
He laughed again, almost a sigh.
"And yet, despite all that, these relationships have only made my life better. And we all experience loss, Kakashi-san, it's unavoidable. And it makes the fact that we can still meet and care for and love each other that much more precious…"
He finally looked up at Kakashi. His hands were clasped loosely between his knees.
"You see what I mean here?" he said. "You shouldn't feel that, just because someone might someday lose you, you shouldn't be in their lives. Besides, Kotoji's already experienced loss. He still asks about his mother, sometimes… I'm always ashamed that I can't talk to him about her, that I can't even tell him what she looked like."
Kakashi knew that it wasn't his place to say anything here.
He felt a thick, compressive heat in his throat and in his chest.
"If you weren't in Kotoji's life—even though he's so young—I can't help but feel that his life would somehow be… lacking, Kakashi-san," Yamato said. "Sure, he has Hashiki-san, but she's not you. She doesn't have a relationship with him like you do. You were one of the first people aside from me that could get him to stop crying as a baby, don't you remember?"
"Kotoji doesn't. He was an infant," Kakashi said. He sighed. "Come on, Yamato, it doesn't matter who the… adults in Kotoji's life are. There's no reason why I'm any better a choice than Hashiki-san, and a million reasons why she is."
Yamato's eyes flitted about with uncertainty. Kakashi saw his mouth trembling slightly.
"…well, I want you in my life too, Kakashi," he said, softly.
The words felt like they were falling through the fingers of Kakashi's mind, and he replied clumsily.
"You… you want me in your life." It sounded like he was asking if Yamato was joking.
"…yes," Yamato replied. "Is that so… unusual?"
"I just can't see why," Kakashi said. "I mean, why would you want to keep me around…? I'm barely a help as it is."
Yamato shook his head, exhaling in place of a laugh. "You really don't get it, do you, Kakashi-san? It's nothing to do with what you can do for me practically, it's because I like—having you around."
"Yamato, I don't… understand," Kakashi said.
(Which was partially a lie.)
"I want you… to stay in my life, Kakashi. I don't want you to leave. I—I like you, okay?"
The heat had spread to Kakashi's stomach.
"…but I thought you were involved with Hashiki," he ended up saying.
"Well, we—we are, but…"
"But?"
"…there are some issues right now…" Yamato said, sheepishly, his face incredibly red.
"Please don't tell me she doesn't know you like men."
"I-I don't know what I like!" Yamato replied, almost shouting. He dug the bottom of his face into his scarf. "I just… don't even know if she likes me that way. And then there's you, and…"
"So you're not dating?"
"…we are but we aren't, I haven't confirmed it—wait, we're supposed to be talking about you!"
Kakashi shrugged. "You shouldn't be cheating on people, Yamato."
"I'm not cheating…" Yamato mumbled.
"Then you ought to make sure with her before you go off saying stuff like this to me. You getting involved with me wouldn't be fair to her if she wanted a relationship with you."
Yamato looked back at him with some degree of astonishment.
(Though Kakashi's words were floating, lighter and lighter, off his tongue, his chest still felt tight, and warm.)
"Wait, so… you mean, you want to…?"
"What I mean is that I want you to make sure you're not making another mistake. You said yourself, you're bad with people," Kakashi said, shrugging. "And I doubt you want to be on Hashiki's bad side."
"Ah, of course…" Yamato said. He buried his chin with his scarf again, looking utterly ashamed.
A war was coming to an end in Kakashi's heart.
"No matter what happens with her, though, I'm not going anywhere, Yamato," he said. "You want me to stay. So I'll stay."
Yamato lifted his head a little. "You will?"
"If I'm not, who's going to keep you from messing up your life further?" Kakashi said. He sighed. "You really do need me, don't you, kohai?"
Yamato was laughing a little, and crying a little. "I really could use your guidance, senpai."
"Hey, stop that. Stand up and wipe off your face. You can't talk to her looking like we just had a fight." He stood up and put his hands on Yamato's shoulders.
"What, you—you want me to talk to her now?"
Kakashi nodded. "With me there."
"Kakashi…!"
"Consider me emotional support. I told you, I'm not going anywhere." He took one end of Yamato's scarf and wiped at his eyes with it. "Come on, don't be a baby."
Yamato sniffed. "All right, I'll try to pull myself together…"
"Uh-huh," Kakashi replied, faithlessly.
And then, fighting all of his instincts.
(That he would regret this, that he shouldn't be doing this, that it would only hurt him in the end.)
He hugged Yamato, wrapping arms over arms.
"Does this help?" he added, sarcastically.
(As if he could trick his heart into calming down, saying that none of this counted.)
And Yamato gently tilted his head sideways, and kissed him on the cheek.
Kakashi pulled away immediately. "Yamato."
"Oh, I'm—I'm sorry, that was too far, I shouldn't have done that." He covered his mouth with his hands. "Kakashi-san, please don't hate me, I-"
"Hold off on stuff like that until we talk to Hashiki," Kakashi said. He crossed his arms. "Okay?"
"I'm sorry…" Yamato replied, hanging his head. He wiped at his eyes, though not with his scarf.
"It's all right, it's not your fault I'm so irresistible," Kakashi added.
"Kakashi-san, please…"
"Yamato, seriously, it's okay. You'll get through this. Hell, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll turn out that Hashiki's into threesomes."
"P-Please don't…!" Yamato was practically beet-colored, eyes shut tight.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." Kakashi patted Yamato on the back. "Come on, let's take a walk. Talk for a bit. And then we'll go back to your place, and talk to Hashiki. Sound good?"
"All right…"
Kakashi went to get his coat, and waited for Yamato at the door. "Well, follow my lead, kohai."
Yamato smiled gratefully, his eyes dry. "Thank you, senpai."
And they took a walk. And they talked about things. And as the sun began to dip lower into the sky, they returned to Yamato's house, and after putting Kotoji in his room under the pretext of early bedtime, they talked to her.
And everything turned out fine.
Kakashi went home after several hours, after discussions and apologies and clarifications.
Hashiki did have feelings for Yamato, though she cited "anatomical difficulties" in not being overt about it. Yamato didn't press the issue further, just thanking her for her frankness. Kakashi said nothing, though he tossed an "I told you so" glance Yamato's way after a while.
As it turned out, Hashiki had been well aware of Kotoji's love for Kakashi, and suggested before Yamato did that Kotoji wasn't alone in this love. The last thing she wanted, she claimed, was to come between two people that cared for each other, especially since she considered herself more of a practical help than any sort of love interest.
"Well… I do like you too, Hashiki-san…" Yamato had stammered, in response. "I'm just confused, and I don't know what's going on…"
"Ah, really?" She touched her mouth with her hand. "Well, that's okay… I'm not jealous, and I don't mind sharing, honestly, if that's what it comes to…"
(After all, one part of her had once balanced two loves in their heart, though was only able to be with one.)
"If we end up sharing, I get to be the 'other woman,'" Kakashi said. "My spirit's far too free to be tied town."
This only made Yamato more flustered. But he calmed himself, in time, with help and hand-holding.
And "sharing" ended up being the theme of the night, after that. They talked about sharing time—with Kotoji, and with Yamato—and sharing spaces.
"I was going to ask you, Hashiki-san, if you wanted to move in sometime…" Yamato said, when they got there.
"Oh, that sounds fun! It'd make it easier for me to watch Kotoji for you," she replied. "And maybe it'll help Go'on get used to a real home…"
"I'll stay at my place, thanks," Kakashi added in.
(Though in time—several months later—he did join them.)
(Though he did this by inviting them into his own home, which was larger, and far more suited for a woman, two men, and two boys.)
(He didn't miss the old emptiness at all.)
The night came to an end with compassionate talk, and Kakashi's insistence that he was just a hanger-on, sticking around for Kotoji's sake and Yamato's peace of mind.
"You just let me know when you want some time with him, Kakashi-san," Hashiki said, kindly and knowingly. "I'll do the same."
"I feel like a bride, this is so embarrassing," Yamato said. Hashiki nuzzled against him on the couch, fondly, in reply.
"You'll get over it," Kakashi said. He pressed his forehead against Yamato's, for a moment, in goodbye. "Don't ignore Hashiki now."
"I'll make sure he doesn't," Hashiki replied.
"Goodnight, senpai," Yamato said quietly.
"Goodnight, kohai," Kakashi replied.
When Kakashi settled in for the night, in his bed, he dreamed for the first time in a long time of something that was not a memory.
He dreamed that he was sitting by a river with Yamato, Hashiki at Yamato's other hand. Kotoji was playing in the river below with Hashiki's son.
And he felt happy, and smiled in his sleep.
The dawn came with birdsong, the smell of wet leaves and new beginnings.
As it happened, Sasuke was experiencing a multitude of new beginnings as well.
But he'd had to say some goodbyes, first.