Chapter 131 - Alone Together

Sasuke was surprised to find, when the pain ended, that he felt dry.

In fact, he doubted he was even in water any more.

He opened his eyes. He was in a great, foggy place, and the light was like that of a half-dawn, pale and weak. There was ground beneath his feet, and he walked, feeling no pain in his ankle, or anywhere else.

There was a figure in the distance, dark and tall.

But it wasn't who he thought it would be.

Sasuke found his voice, somehow. "Father…?"

Fugaku stood before him, and he looked exactly as he had on the day he had died. Skin browned by the sun, the beginnings of wrinkles around his mouth, identical to Sasuke's own. They were the same height, now, but he seemed so much smaller than he'd been in Sasuke's memory.

He looked disappointed. "I had hoped that you wouldn't make it here so soon," he said, his voice deep and hollow and familiar.

Sasuke didn't say anything in return, uncomfortably aware of his own breathing—a memory of a reflex.

"You probably expected to see your brother, didn't you," Fugaku continued.

Again, nothing.

(Even though Sasuke wanted so very, very badly for Itachi to be the first person he met on the other side.)

(Though he doubted Itachi would allow for that.)

("The last thing I want is to talk to you.")

"…I suppose this means I'll have to talk to you then." Fugaku sighed, deeply. "The question is, what do I say?"

"You can start by telling me how disappointed you are in me, I'm sure," Sasuke replied.

His father looked back at him with an air of confusion. "Disappointed?"

"Look at me. I'm a failure—I'm the greatest failure the clan's ever known. You should feel ashamed to have me as your son, if you weren't already."

Sasuke couldn't look at him, after that.

"You are not our clan's greatest failure," Fugaku said.

"Are you kidding?" Sasuke looked back up, at the man before him, still neutral and disapproving. "I lost control of the clan. My own family abandoned me. I raised a son that wasn't even mine. And my own children—my own children—were the ones that had to save me from my own mistakes. I'm an embarrassment."

"…those are hardly—crimes deserving of the clan's greatest failure," Fugaku said stiffly.

"Oh yeah? Then what are?"

Fugaku's eyes drifted to the floor. "Allowing everyone within the clan, save for two young boys, to die."

The resignation in his voice fell like a nail into Sasuke's stomach.

"Though I am guilty of far many more crimes than this, that is one I feel you will understand," he concluded.

This only made Sasuke feel angry.

"So everything I did is nothing compared to what you experienced, is that it?" he said. "I'm not the greatest failure because you think you are?"

"You're not a failure, Sasuke."

"Please." Sasuke scoffed. "Everything I've ever done was for the clan's sake, and what have I done for it?"

"You raised five children who are strong enough and good enough to know how to keep their family from falling apart when things go wrong," Fugaku replied.

"Five? Takeru isn't even mine!"

"You raised him as your son. And he is your son."

Sasuke felt a great, sick feeling in his stomach, like he was about to throw up. The sensation almost surprised him—did memories of pain and discomfort follow breathing?

"It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter," he said. "My children—whoever or however many you think I have. I was a failure in raising them. And I'm a failure to you too."

"…how have you failed me, Sasuke?" Fugaku's voice had gone strangely soft.

The tight, bile-feeling in Sasuke's stomach rose. "Everything I ever did for the clan was for your sake too. I wanted to be a clan leader you'd be proud of. So, if you were still alive, you'd be able to… to tell me I did a good job, and…"

"Sasuke, I've always been proud of you."

The words felt like a foreign language, and Sasuke's mind fumbled in processing them.

"…proud of me? When—when have I ever made you proud…?" Sasuke said.

"Since the day you were born and I first got to hold you in my arms, you have made me proud," Fugaku replied. "And every day since."

Sasuke found himself shaking his head. "You're… you're lying."

Something in Fugaku's face fell. "I've lied to you many, many times, Sasuke. But not this time."

"No, that—I've done nothing to earn your pride. And only once—only once did you ever tell me you were proud of me! And I was a child!"

"I regret never telling you more," Fugaku said. "And I'm sorry that it's only now that I'm able to tell you this, Sasuke."

Sasuke felt tension in his jaw, tightness in his throat. "I still can't believe you. I've done—nothing worth being proud of. Hell, everything I touch, I ruin! My wife, my family, everything! I'm incapable of doing right!"

Fugaku's eyes fell to the point where it looked like he had closed them. "That's my fault."

"What, that I'm such a—a fuck-up?" The words shot out of him like arrows.

But Fugaku shook his head. "It's my fault that you feel this way, that you've reached these conclusions and these ends with the people you care for. I should have taught you so much more in the time we had together." He sighed again. "I was a weak man when I was alive, and I'm still just as weak, it seems."

Sasuke's mouth was trembling. "Weak…? But you… you're not weak, you're…"

A dry curl of a smile appeared on Fugaku's face. "You believe yourself to be a failure, and I believe myself to be weak. But you've never been a failure to me, Sasuke."

"Stop—saying that!"

"I'm not going to lie to you any more, Sasuke."

Sasuke's anger flared. "If you're not going to lie to me any more, then why don't you tell me—honestly!—how—how disappointed you are in me, then? Because I know you are."

Fugaku thought for a while, and Sasuke seethed in poisonous satisfaction.

"…the only disappointment I have in you, Sasuke, is that you feel you're beyond help. Because you aren't," he finally said.

"And how do you know that?"

"Because I've been beyond help. Beyond help is more than just watching your clan destroy itself from the inside, long before the killings start. Beyond help is when you have to ask your own son to ensure that your death is quick and painless. And beyond help is having to tell your youngest child not to look, because you don't want him to see you die. You are not beyond help. You still have hope."

The words felt like a lecture in that they made Sasuke feel very small, the man before him suddenly so much greater in stature and bearing.

And, of course, the guilt.

"I'm disappointed that you feel you've reached this point, Sasuke. When your family is alive and well. When it's thriving, and growing."

Sasuke had to close his eyes to keep whatever was behind them from coming out, guilt or hurt or tears. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, that's not true, I've turned the clan into a disgrace, an embarrassment, that's what you should be ashamed of…"

"There is nothing embarrassing or disgraceful about the family you have raised."

Sasuke shoved his hands over his eyes. "They disobey me, they aren't proper Uchihas, my clan's nothing but a pitiful imitation, and I'm a failure that deserves it all."

"If they were proper Uchihas, Sasuke, what would they be?" His tone was far too even and impartial to be soothing.

Sasuke shook his head as he thought. "I don't know, they'd—they'd be obedient, and strong, and they'd never fail because Uchihas have a… name to uphold…"

"They'd be angry, mistrustful people, prone to… rage and abuse in the face of disappointment, Sasuke. That's how the Uchiha clan used to be."

(Fugaku's voice faltered, slightly. But Sasuke hardly noticed.)

(Not when he knew the words were directed at him, and his own weaknesses.)

Sasuke began to curl into himself, pressing his elbows into his stomach.

"But your clan, Sasuke, is a clan of loving, compassionate people, innovative and kind, and accepting of new things. How could you not be proud of such a clan?"

"That isn't what I'm supposed to want. That isn't what keeps a clan strong. I had to restore my clan. I had to make sure it survived."

"Love isn't weakness, Sasuke," Fugaku said.

Sasuke got on his knees, folding his body into itself, his face still covered.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it…"

"Son, please, listen to me."

Despite himself, Sasuke raised his head a little.

('Son'…?)

"You don't have to believe me. You have no reason to. And I understand that. If you want to live the rest of your life with this continued belief that I've never been proud of you, then I suppose I can't help it. I've long since accepted it."

For some reason, Fugaku paused.

"I could tell you, now, that if you wanted to make me truly proud, then you'd return to your family, and you would be with them and support them. And I truly do want for you to do this, Sasuke. But it would make me no less proud of you and the things you've done, if you really do have to stay."

"…that would really make you proud? That's what you want from me?" Sasuke managed, from between his hands.

And Sasuke felt his father's touch on his back, a rough hand gently stroking the area between his shoulder blades.

"Son, all I have ever, ever wanted from you was for you to feel that you were loved. That's all."

Sasuke raised his head, lifted his back; Fugaku's hand left him, and he saw that they were sitting in the dim somewhere together, on the same level.

"Loved…?" he said, quietly. "What, you can't possibly have wanted just that for me…"

But Fugaku shook his head. "I've never wanted anything else. I've watched you grow, taller, and stronger, but my wish for you has always been for you to feel that you are loved and cared for. Even Itachi wanted that for you."

Sasuke's eyes widened, not expecting for his brother to return to the conversation.

"If you feel that there is no one on this earth that loves you, or cares for you, then I have failed as your father."

Shock mixed with rage, and Sasuke began to rise to his knees, above his father. "How can you say all of this? All this 'love' stuff? All I ever got from you was approval or disappointment! How is that love? How is that making me feel cared for?"

"It isn't," Fugaku said, quietly.

"So how is it you can say all of this?" Sasuke said again. There was a great, hot tightness in his eyes.

"Because… as your father, I wasn't… in a position to truly discuss my feelings with you…" He seemed to shrink with every word. "I couldn't…"

"You could still have praised me! Have made me feel like you—like you were as proud of me as you say you were!"

"I should have," Fugaku said. "But if I did, then I…"

"Then you what?"

"…everything I did was to protect you, son. I swear."

Sasuke made an ugly, disgusted sound in his throat. "Protect me from what? From becoming weak?"

"From people far crueler than me. From people that truly believed love to be weakness, and sought to root it out, instead of just ignoring it." Fugaku's head hung low. Sasuke couldn't see his face any more.

"Yeah, like who?"

Fugaku didn't say anything.

Sasuke stood.

"Come on, out with it! You're not going to lie to me any more, isn't that what you said? We have all the time in the world, here!"

And Fugaku knelt forward, and he pressed his forehead to the ground in a deep, humble bow.

"I allowed your brother to be damaged at far too early an age and I swore to myself, even before you were born, that I would never let it happen to you. Fathers are supposed to protect their children. And even here, that is my duty. I'm sorry, Sasuke." He touched his forehead to the ground again. "Please forgive me."

"Now you're asking me for forgiveness?"

"Please."

Sasuke sighed. "I don't understand. First you say you're proud of me. Then you say you just want me to feel—loved. And now you're asking me to forgive you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like I've failed you as your father."

"No, I'm the one that's failed here!" Sasuke hit himself in the chest for emphasis. "Why can't you see that?"

Fugaku sat up, but kept his head down. "Because I'm the reason you feel that way."

Sasuke groaned, and rolled his eyes. "I knew it, you're not real. You're not really here. This can't be the other side."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because my real father would never stay things like that. Always 'do better next time' or 'you're not there yet' or…" He groaned again, losing his momentum.

Fugaku began to stand.

"Look, just—be honest with me. Punish me. Yell at me, like I know you want to," Sasuke said. "I'm not gonna put up any more of this… insincere bullshit."

"I don't want to yell at you, Sasuke."

"What do you want? And you'd better not say-"

His father hugged him, and Sasuke immediately stopped speaking.

It was an enveloping hug. He felt both of Fugaku's hands crossed over his back, heatless and enormous.

"I've wanted to do this for… so long. You were so young the last time I was able to hold you like this. You've probably long since forgotten," Fugaku said. His voice was near Sasuke's ear. "Look at us now. You're as old as I was when I left you."

Sasuke jerked himself out of the embrace, clapping his hand over his mouth. He felt rolling, hot streams of tears beginning to leak from his eyes.

Fugaku, across from him, wore a sad, complete smile.

"I'm sorry you had to wait so long for your own father to show affection to you like this. If I had a choice, I would have told you I loved you every day, told you how proud I was of you, and I never would have made you feel that you were second in my heart in any way."

Sasuke was resisting the urge to wipe his eyes; everything was going blurry. The tips of his fingers were going numb.

"I've only ever wanted for you to feel that you were loved, Sasuke. And you are loved. Even if you feel completely alone, even if you believe that nobody cares, you are loved."

Sasuke could no longer see his father's face, but there was constriction in his voice, tight and trembling and…

"I love you, son. I love you, and I always will."

Sasuke was sobbing, now, crying in a way that he hadn't cried since he was very small. "Father…!"

He reached a hand out, and found that his palm was growing transparent. His body was growing lighter.

Fugaku looked up very suddenly, as if something had gotten his attention. "Your brother's almost here," he said, and returned to his son. "Sasuke, when he comes for you, take his hand, and he'll lead you. Go back. Live. You can start again."

Sasuke tried to walk forward to him again, but no matter how many steps he took, his father just grew smaller and smaller, and his body grew lighter and lighter.

"Father, no…!"

"Go be with your family. I believe in you. I love you, and I'm proud of you, son. You're my boy."

"No, Father, come back, don't leave me…!"

But the darkness was closing in around him now, swallowing his father where he once stood. And with the darkness came suffocation, cold and merciless, stuffing his nose and his mouth with freezing wetness.

He felt a hand on his wrist.

"When he comes for you, take his hand."

Sasuke didn't want to take it.

He wanted to go back to his father. To someone he knew loved him. He didn't want to go back to that dry, awful world, where nothing existed but hate and distrust and uncertainty.

"Take his hand."

His limbs felt at once light and incredibly heavy. Gravity pulled at his injured, near-useless leg.

"Even if you believe that nobody cares, you are loved."

He didn't want to go back, he just wanted to do the right thing…

"I believe in you. I love you."

It would be so easy to just let go, to slip through, back to that comforting and certain darkness, and the dim places beyond.

"Take his hand."

The hand pulled. It was firm and real.

"You're my boy."

…but the easy road was not the road his father wanted for him.

The easy road was not Sasuke's road.

A thirst for oxygen exploded in Sasuke's chest, and it put strength in his water-weakened limbs.

And he took the hand that had come for him.

And quite suddenly, he was on the lakeshore, on his hands and knees, vomiting and coughing up massive quantities of lake water. It was excruciating, but almost cathartic, cleansing, removing all of the dead weight from out of him. His limbs shook from the cold and from his weakness, and he gingerly pulled himself into a sitting position once he was certain it was over

And he saw who it was that had rescued him.

His father had told him that Itachi was coming for him.

He hadn't expected for Itachi to actually be there.

And Itachi did not look pleased.