Chapter 135 - White Sunday

The rest of December, Sasuke continued to change. Instead of deflecting conversations, he added into them. He spoke of his family often—at least, what he remembered of them—and his students, as well.

On one particular instance, Sasuke discussed some progress he was making with his students, following a discussion about Asaoto starting school in the spring.

"The schools are for ninja skills, aren't they…? The schools here," Juugo mentioned.

"Mm," Sasuke replied.

"Would Asaoto be trained to fight, then…?"

"Ah, well…" Sasuke began, but Asaoto interrupted, patting his hand on the kotatsu they were sitting around.

"If I have to fight I will try my very best to get better, you know," he said, firmly.

Sasuke laughed. "Well, Asaoto, I think that's only necessary if you want to. There's more than one way to become a good ninja these days."

"Oh?"

"Mm. I've been working with my own students lately to get them on paths that better suit their skills," Sasuke explained. "We sat down, the four of us, and had a discussion about it. My student Kyou is quite…" Sasuke laughed, mid-thought, and wiped his mouth. "He's quite an amateur historian, so I went about getting him in touch with people that work in the library and sort books and all that."

"That's a ninja job?" Asaoto said.

Sasuke nodded. "Mm. And my student Go'on has a gift with wildlife, so I did a little research and introduced him to some rangers that work around the country. It's surprising how many jobs there are outside of combat that still qualify as 'ninja' duties…" He lowered his eyes, and his smile lessened slightly. "Truly surprising…"

"So I don't have to fight if I don't get better?" Asaoto said.

"Probably not," Sasuke said. "You should focus on having… a good experience at school, I think, when you finally go. Making friends and learning about new things."

"Okay," Asaoto said, smiling.

Conversations went much like this, overall, with Asaoto leading the discussion. The boy felt most comfortable asking about them, since he wasn't shut down as easily, and was far more curious and fearless than his father was.

But then, one night, after Asaoto had been put to bed, Sasuke asked Juugo a curious question.

"How did you do it, Juugo?"

Juugo, who had been packing up leftovers, looked over his shoulder. "Hm? How did I do what, Sasuke?"

"How did you get Asaoto to love you so much?"

Juugo felt a strange coldness trickle down his chest; he turned around to see Sasuke leaning against the table, his back to Juugo.

"What… kind of a question is that?" Juugo said.

"My children have never treated me like yours treats you," Sasuke said. "So I'm certain now it's something I've done wrong."

"Well, Sasuke, um…" Juugo began, but no other words came.

Sasuke looked back at him, with that same, awful, vulnerability. "It's okay, I already know things are bad because of me. I need to learn. That's why I'm asking you."

Juugo began fiddling with the plastic food container to keep from getting too anxious. "Well, um… every child is different, I suppose, and Asaoto is… certainly more quiet than other boys I know…"

"It's not just him. I watch how you are with him. You're far gentler with him than I… ever was with my own children. I thought at first it was only because of his health, you doing this, but now…" Sasuke looked at the floor. "Well, I'm beginning to think that maybe that has something to do with him loving you back."

"Sasuke, I don't…" Juugo's thumb slipped off the edge of the container. "I don't think that's everything. Besides, I think… every child loves their father or mother, anyways. It's almost impossible not to."

"You don't know my children," Sasuke replied, softly. "And you don't know how I've treated them."

Juugo didn't want to ask for specifics. He put the food in the fridge and went to stand beside Sasuke, who had bent a little smaller into himself.

"I really do think that it's just because you aren't with your family that you feel this way, Sasuke," Juugo said. "Because they're not there, you're just… thinking about the worst things that could happen. I know that's what… I do when I'm away from Asaoto sometimes. I worry all the time while I'm at work if he's going to have an attack. And it's always the worst. But it's never that bad. You know?"

Sasuke shrugged uncomfortably.

"So maybe if you… visited them, maybe?"

"I can't do that," Sasuke replied, quickly.

"Why, Sasuke…?"

Sasuke's head lowered further. "Everything I do with them hurts them. Everything I say. I even had to have you give a message to my own son, I was so afraid of hurting him by merely… giving him a present for his birthday."

"I don't think his feelings were hurt at all by it being late, Sasuke," Juugo said.

"It's not the present being late, it was… never mind…" Sasuke replied. He shoved away from the table and went to the counter, and Juugo followed.

For a while, he said nothing, twiddling his thumbs. "Well, maybe the best thing to do is to… not do anything."

"Aren't I already doing that?" Sasuke said.

"No, no," Juugo replied, "I mean… if the next time you see him, let him talk to you maybe? Or whoever you see. I think, because you're afraid of your actions hurting your family, you know? If you're with them but don't do anything then there's less for you to worry about, maybe."

Sasuke chuckled a little, dryly. "You think that would work, huh."

"I'm not very good at giving advice," Juugo said, and he twiddled his thumbs more. "Maybe there are other people you can ask."

"Like who?"

"Well… any other friends of yours?"

(But a phrase rang in Juugo's mind: "Dad has friends?")

"I don't have… many friends," Sasuke said. "And none of them have children but you."

"Just because I have a son doesn't mean I know more or less than those people, Sasuke…" Juugo said. "Besides, I don't know very much to begin with."

Sasuke chuckled again, turning around finally. "I think you know plenty. I'm sorry for imposing on you, anyways."

"No, no, it's all right," Juugo said, waving his hands. "It's just, I don't know how much help I can be… I don't think I can tell you how to change unless I know how things usually are, I suppose..."

"Mm." Sasuke looked down.

"But, um… I figure, maybe you've learned some things, for when you see your family again?" Juugo said. "From watching Asaoto. He doesn't hate you, you know. He likes you very much, in fact."

"Well, I'm… not his father, so…" Sasuke's words tapered off, and he sighed. "All the same. These were stupid questions for me to ask. Please, could you forget I said anything?"

Juugo almost immediately answered, but stopped himself. "…Sasuke, I think that you asked some very good questions. And I don't think it would be right for me to forget, especially because… well, you want to get better, don't you? And I want to see you happy and with your family someday. They seem like very nice people."

Sasuke opened his mouth to say something, but instead sighed again. "Yes," he said, "they are very nice people."

"I think the fact that you want to ask these questions is important," Juugo said. "You care enough to want to change. You're probably changing and you don't even know it. I know you're getting better, even if I don't know how bad things used to be."

Sasuke smirked. "I'm surprised you think so highly of me."

"Well, Asaoto likes you very much, I told you before," Juugo said. "And anyone my son likes can't be that bad."

Sasuke chuckled again, though this time he sounded like he was enjoying himself. "If you say so. I've far outstayed my welcome here, so I'll be going home."

"Ah, all right. Please don't feel bad about things, Sasuke."

Sasuke turned around and gently clapped his hand on Juugo's upper arm. "I won't feel bad. Thank you for talking to me. I'll see you next time you call."

Juugo put his hand on Sasuke's hand, and nodded. "I'll be sure to call you. Have a safe walk home, Sasuke."

"Mm. Goodnight, Juugo."

Sasuke didn't ask any more questions like that, after that night.

But Juugo noticed him taking on a more thoughtful quietness in their time together, when he played with Asaoto. Many times he took over small chores like cooking or cleaning while watching Juugo just talk to his son.

He was trying to learn, Juugo figured. But without having to ask questions. Sasuke was very stubborn, Juugo concluded, but this was nothing new after all.

And as suddenly as the snowfall that came with it, the end of December had come.

Sasuke had informed Juugo that his friend Naruto, the Hokage, had extended an invitation for Juugo and Asaoto to spend New Year's with him. And since Juugo didn't want Sasuke to have to choose between friends, he happily agreed.

The time they spent together was warm and quite loud. Naruto had the radio playing in the kitchen while Sasuke made ramen for everyone's dinner—he insisted on cooking it instead of Naruto, for some reason or another. Juugo passed the time by knitting, while Naruto himself played board games with Asaoto in the living room. Asaoto was thoroughly trouncing the Hokage, and Naruto was too amazed at his luck to be angry.

Of course, Asaoto fell asleep shortly after the meal, warm and full. Sasuke gave permission for the boy to sleep in his room, so Juugo tucked him gently in and returned to the adults for conversation and television. Juugo's needles clicked slowly along while Naruto and Sasuke had a very serious discussion on the idol that was hosting the Konoha New Year's Gala that year, and whether or not the color of her kimono suited her hair. Juugo had no opinion either way, thinking the girl looked quite pretty indeed, but found it very entertaining to listen to the two friends go back and forth, like birds in conversation.

The conversation dissolved considerably the more drinks Naruto had, a curious mixture of ginger ale with dubious amounts of sake mixed in. And soon enough he, too, was asleep, so Juugo picked him up at Sasuke's request and tucked him in also.

Juugo and Sasuke were alone the rest of the night, the volume of the television turned down, the thick snake of Juugo's knitting piled around his feet. Neither of them talked, but there wasn't really any need to talk.

But as midnight approached, Juugo's massive ball of yarn finally dribbled to its end, and with his same, careful stitches, he bound it off, leaving it complete.

Sasuke noticed him putting the needles aside. "Ah, you finally finished it?"

"Yes, I suppose I did."

Sasuke smiled. "Congratulations. It's quite an achievement."

Juugo began to pull the whole length of the thing into his lap, folding it over and over on itself.

"Is it for Asaoto, then?" Sasuke continued.

"Hmm, I don't think so," Juugo said.

"Hm? Who, then…?"

Juugo finished folding the scarf onto his lap, and folded his great hands on top of it. "I think I'd like to give it to you, Sasuke. But only if you promise me something."

Sasuke's smile faded. "What sort of promise?"

"Go back to your family this year."

Sasuke's mouth folded in mild outrage. "What? No, I can't, I'm not ready yet."

"I think you are," Juugo said. "I think you're very ready, you're just scared of failing, is all."

"Juugo, please…" Sasuke's head lowered some.

"You don't have to go right away, but if you keep waiting, then… well, it might be too late," Juugo said. "Besides, I think your family deserves to be treated like you've treated my family. You've been very good to us. It should be their turn now."

Sasuke didn't say anything, but Juugo could see that his shoulders were quaking slightly.

He took the scarf, and held it out to Sasuke with both hands. "So can you make me this promise? I spent a lot of time on this, you know. I put a lot of my thoughts into it."

"I can't accept that, Juugo…" Sasuke said.

"Why, Sasuke?"

"You should give that to someone that deserves it. Honestly."

"I'm going to give it to whoever I want. And I do think you deserve it." Juugo ushered his hands forward further. "And besides, you've come very far. Just like this scarf, I guess!" He laughed a little. "I had to learn a lot to finish it, and be very patient with myself. You're already learning, and I think you're patient too. So you just need to go out and try, okay?"

Sasuke made a noise, and Juugo wasn't sure if it was a laugh or a small sob. He covered his mouth, leaning forward against his knees.

"Sasuke, I don't want to upset you, I just want you to be happy," Juugo said, after Sasuke went for a while without saying anything.

"No, it's okay, I'm not upset," Sasuke said, and inhaled deeply through his nose, standing. "I guess I have to practice being grateful, too."

Juugo stood as well, holding the scarf to his chest. His knitting needles tumbled to the carpet as he went. "It's pretty easy being grateful, I think…"

"It's harder than I thought," Sasuke said. "Since… well, I suppose you have to accept that you deserve things."

"You do deserve things, Sasuke," Juugo said, "I told you before."

Sasuke wiped his eyes, making that same not-quite-laugh. "I'll practice that too."

"Here, let's see how this looks," Juugo said, stepping forward, but Sasuke put his hand out, stopping him.

"Wait."

"Hm?"

"You said you wanted me to go back to my family this year, right?" Sasuke said.

"Well, yes…"

"It's still 'last year.'" Sasuke pointed at the TV, and sure enough, there were a few minutes left until midnight. "I don't think I'd have much time if I made the promise now, would I?"

Juugo laughed, warmly. "No, that would not be much time. I'll wait. But I'd still like you to try it on. I'd like to see how it looks on somebody."

"Fair enough, fair enough," Sasuke said, and bent his head compliantly as Juugo wrapped the enormous scarf around his shoulders. Even wrapped twice around him, the ends still trailed dangerously close to the ground.

"Looks nice," Sasuke said. "I'm sure whomever you give this to will be very happy to own it."

"But I'm giving it to—ohh," Juugo caught himself, and grinned, "yes, I hope whoever it is likes it very much."

Standing together in front of the TV, they watched as the seconds ticked by. And when the New Year came, with bright flashes and pop music on the screen, the sound of firecrackers echoed against each other in the surrounding neighborhood.

"Happy New Year, Sasuke," Juugo said.

"Happy New Year to you too," Sasuke replied. "And thank you for the scarf."

"You're welcome," Juugo said. "Thank you for being my friend."

Sasuke turned his head, at this, blinking. "Being your friend?"

"Yes. You're my friend," Juugo said. "And you've given me more support than you probably think, I think. I'm going to support you too."

"Well, then." Sasuke smiled warmly. "Thank you for being my friend, too. I could… mm." He held his hand to his mouth for a moment. "I could use the support, I think. Since it's going to take a… lot to keep my promise to you. "

Juugo stepped forward and wrapped Sasuke into a warm, careful hug. He could feel Sasuke's body tense up at his touch, maybe even shivering a little. "I'll do my very best, then," Juugo said, quietly.

Sasuke did not hug him back, but he felt his friend press his head against his chest, and he felt some of the tension leave Sasuke's body, and he knew that was enough.

Sasuke fell asleep in one of Naruto's armchairs, later that night, the scarf still wrapped around his arms like a strange, thin blanket. But Juugo stayed up, waiting for the crackle of fireworks to die away and be replaced by birdsong, and the creamy light of dawn. When the time came, he nudged Sasuke gently awake. "Are we going to go to a temple?" together.

"Mm? Nah, Naruto's got a public thing later, he'll be going then…" Sasuke replied, sleepily.

"Would you like to go with me and Asaoto, then…?"

"No, you two go, I'll be fine…" Sasuke was already closing his eyes, nestling deeper into the chair.

"All right. I'll see you later, then," Juugo said.

Sasuke waved him off with his hand, but all Juugo could do was smile.

Asaoto was barely awake when Juugo roused him from bed and gently pulled his coat on his small body. "We goin' somewhere…?"

"We can go to the temple to pray or we can go home and sleep more," Juugo said.

"Can I sleep more, Daddy…?"

"Of course, of course." Juugo pulled his son into the warm crook of his arm, and left Naruto's house into the sparkling early morning.

It seemed to be too early for most people to go to the temple, since the only person on the streets that Juugo saw as a particularly cross-looking man with pure white eyes. Juugo wished him a happy new year, but all he got in return was a grumbled "same to you," before he rushed off, his arms tucked close to his body.

But all the same, as Juugo passed it on the way home, he stopped and said a silent prayer of sorts as he passed the shadow of Sasuke's house:

"Please let my friend return to you all soon."

And soon after, he returned to his own house, and his own sleep and prayers.

Juugo had always feared dark, confined spaces.

But the year ahead of him was wide open, and bright, and he had never felt so calm or at peace in his life.