Mishima Fay

Am I happy?

I wonder what happiness really is?

I never thought about it until recently. I don't even know why I started thinking about something so trivial; I have a great job, a fantastic roommate, a quiet life and a boyfriend who drives me crazy. Hmm… I wonder if that is enough to say that you are happy. I guess not; I am not even satisfied with my life as it is.

It's been three weeks and a couple of days since I decided to completely devote myself to Niou Masaharu. A sigh just escaped my lips thinking of that man. I tapped my fingers on my desk as I tried to recollect how many times we actually had a normal date without fighting and yelling at each other.

I can't complain about the make out after the fights, but, never the less, this relationship is taking so much energy out of me. I looked at my desk and my pile of work as a frown formed on my lips. I picked up the sample I had on my desk. My team was supposed to make designs for a brochure that would represent our company worldwide. The design in my hands was definitely not what I asked for.

Damn it. I left the sample on my desk again and sighed deeply. My eyes wavered over to my mobile phone that was placed on the side of my desk. Why am I looking at it again, I scold myself. I seem to be scolding myself over a lot of things these days. I feel so… I know I am not annoyed or angry; maybe I am just overreacting or maybe I am frustrated.

Aargh, my life was so much simpler without Masaharu in my life. I got up from my chair and walked to the window of my office and looked outside. I shuddered at the gloominess I was gazing; the sky seemed to fit my mood today.

I lifted my hand and brushed my hair trying not to let my mind drift to a certain man that had been occupying my heart and mind a lot. I hated to admit that I thought of Sanada Genichirou more than my own boyfriend.

If I looked hard enough on the glass of the window I could see my image looking back at me.

I asked myself again; Are you happy Fay?

Can you be satisfied with your life as it is?

Will you ever let Masaharu have a place in your heart?

All these questions; and yet I had no answers. I guess I truly am frustrated. Walking back to my desk I picked up the phone and called my secretary.

I stormed into Atobes office fuming. "I'm not happy."

Atobe looked up at me from his desk and raised an eyebrow. He studied me as I stood there with my arms crossed and probably was wondering why he hired me since all I did was complain to him about every single thing I hated about my department. "Now what?"

"You said you were going to support me all the way."

He stood up and nodded. "True."

I sat down, crossing my legs. "Then with your permission I would like to fire the advertising agency that's been hired to work on our new look campaign."

Atobe let out a sigh and sat across me. "You do realize I hired that agency because they provided a very strong pitch."

"Crap, Atobe." I looked away annoyed. "They are very unprofessional and disorganized," I know I was being blunt but I was reaching my limits. "An agency is supposed to manage my time, not the other way around."

He rubbed his jaw. "You know that if we fire them now then we would be shooting ourselves in the foot."

"Yes, I realize that, but I will stake my job on that I will find a better and organized agency," I said confidently. "After all, you hired me because I am the best."

"And stubborn," he muttered, taking the paper I offered him. "Fay, I will need to look over these documents before I tell you yes or no, so I will need you to give me a day."

"Fine."

Atobe stood up and put the document on his desk. "I need a worst case scenario in case I said I won't fire them."

"I will ask for a new team then."

He nodded. "That's fine. You've been heard and I will look this through."

I stood up and bowed. "Thank you." I walked to the door, but he stopped me.

"Fay?"

I turned around to look at him and frowned for a second. I don't remember saying it was okay for him to call me by my first name, but smiled at him. "Yes?"

"A personal question."

I raised an eyebrow, expecting the worst.

"I tend to get straight to the point." He rubbed his jaw. "Your friend, Aya. Is she single or taken?" he said seriously.

I blinked thinking my ears failed me. "E… Excuse me?" Wait a minute? Did he… is he interested in…

"Sawada Aya, where does she stand in the dating scene?"

I frowned again and held my chin slightly. "You want to date my best friend?"

"Yes."

"You want to date my best friend, Aya?" I asked again, still trying to comprehend the situation.

"Yes."

I marched right up to him without knowing why I just became so defensive; Aya could easily handle someone like him. "You. The Heartbreaker. Want to date my best friend, Aya?" I demanded, poking his chest.

He took my hand and returned my gaze firmly. "Yes." I cannot believe the audacity of this person.

I snatched my hand from his and glared at him. "Not happening," I said and walked away.

"We will see," he whispered but I still managed to hear it.

What did I expect from my boss? Seriously, I was aware of his playboy attitude but to bring that sort of thing up when I was talking to him about work irritated me to no end. I went back to my office and sat in front of my computer typing away an answer to my team about their horrible work.

My phone rang and pulled me away from my disastrous thoughts. I picked it up and glanced at the caller ID. I smiled and answered. "Yuushi!"

"How is work treating you?" he asked me followed by his trademark chuckle.

"Did he call you?" I asked knowing that my idiot boss would have called him after our little meeting.

"Yeah, he wanted information on Aya," he responded to me. "I told him she is seeing someone, so I guess he will leave the matter alone."

I rolled my eyes not believing the things he was telling me. "Yuushi, why don't you bring Arisa over and we can all have dinner?" I asked as I returned to browsing my emails.

"Sure. I'll see you later than." He hung up. I hated people hanging up on me but that was just how he would act so I brushed it off.

I left the office 3 hours later feeling tired. I was going to have a shower the moment I reach home; I was feeling so sticky, it grossed me.

(Fay's apartment)

I walked in my apartment after an hour of freaking traffic. I was tired and wanted just to relax. I walked into my room since I knew that Aya wasn't back from work yet and threw my bag somewhere. I sighed and scratched my head trying to decide what I wanted to do next, sleep or bathe.

I looked at my bed and felt my limbs go numb. I guess it was easy to understand what my body needed most. I took my clothes off and wore my pink pajamas. I jumped on my bed and got under the covers. It was so soft and I was so tired; I fell asleep in no time.

I woke up after a good few hours and looked at my clock on the side-table; I rubbed my eyes and looked again. 10 pm; I dropped my head on the pillow feeling weary. I was sure that Niou called me but I didn't hear my phone ring. I was lucky Yuushi canceled on me, because I think I would have had them wait outside the apartment until I woke. I chuckled with that thought.

(Flashback)

"So, had fun today?" Niou caressed Fay's cheek lightly before kissing her.

"Yeah. I had a great time," she giggled. "The movie was very funny." She hugged his arm and they both walked to his car.

I shifted in my bed; I decided to just stay in bed, since it was already that late. I didn't even mind my stomach screaming to be fed. I was drained from all energy.

(Flashback)

The radio was playing a soft song and the car windows where fogged by the heat produced in the cabin. I was in Niou's arms and we were kissing passionately. I had my hands around his neck and was trailing kisses along his jaw line. He had one hand around my back to hold me firm in his arms and his other hand was caressing my silky hair. I stopped my kisses and looked at him through half lidded eyes.

The hand that was caressing my hair moved slowly, gently towards my chin. He drew me close for a kiss.

"Argh! That man frustrates me," I yelled hiding my face on the pillow.

My mind kept remembering our previous dates; I could never understand why I chose to be in such a difficult relationship. It almost feels like me and him are always on a different wave-length. My relationship seems to run around in a complete circle; we fight than make out and back to fighting again. I need to know who Niou Masaharu is, but how can I do that without killing him or myself in the process.

(Flashback)

I had allowed his hands to roam more than I used to and even accepted the feel of his hand under my shirt. "Niou…" I murmured against his lips as I sat on his lap in his car.

He smirked and pulled me even closer, but his car phone interrupted us. I moved my lips away, but he pulled me back. "Ignore it," he said, bringing my lips closer to his.

I moved my face away. "It could be important."

"I should know what's important or not," he muttered, trying to steal baby kisses from me.

I glared at him and he swore softly as he put the speaker on. "Hello?"

"Haru~"

I immediately raised an eyebrow at the playful female voice.

Niou coughed. "Yes?"

"Did you forget about me?" she purred.

I looked at him, but he kept an innocent look on his face.

"Do I know you?" he asked bluntly.

The female giggled. "Of course, you were with me not long ago and I kept you well entertained in my…."

Niou picked up the phone and swore softly. "Stop calling me!" He hung up the phone with slam. He turned his gaze to me and cleared his throat. "Now…" he whispered, hugging me; "Where were we…" he said, pulling my head down for a kiss.

I moved my head and moved to my seat. "You were dropping me home," I said flatly.

He raised an eyebrow. "You don't think that I …"

"That's the problem, Niou," I said, crossing my arms. "As much as I am trying with you, I just don't know." I looked away annoyed. "We're only physical with each other; I'm trying to get to know you better."

"Don't blame me for that!" he said. "Every time I try to get to know why you're feeling down, you don't want to talk about it! Stop being a spoilt brat and tell me what's making you upset."

I glared at him.

"Don't glare at me," he snapped, glaring back at me. "You're making this more difficult for me. I have never been in such a complicated relationship before."

"Then don't be in a relationship with me!"

He started his car aggravated. "Che…" He reversed the car and started driving. "You're always bitter when you're around with me."

"I. AM. TRYING. NIOU!"

"No, you're not," he remarked. "If you were trying to get close to me then you would know more about me!" he said sharply. "For heaven's sake, Fay! You still don't' call me by my first name!"

I sighed helplessly, remembering that. We always end up fighting at the end; why? Why can't I trust him? Why can't I open up to him? I got up from the bed, took a towel and some clothes and walked to the bathroom. A shower is what I need to calm my nerves down.

I didn't really want to admit to myself that I wasn't really helping out in this relationship, but I was trying my best. What I did wonder was why didn't I want to leave him. That was one of the things that confused me about myself.

I looked at the mirror carefully. I frowned deeply; my hair was messy and my face looked wrinkled. I look like a hag, I thought, removing my clothes.

I walked into the shower and let the water wash away my weariness. I didn't think it would help much but I was in no state to argue with myself. Suddenly, without thinking, my mind played another trick on me as I remembered one of the nights we had gone out together.

(Flashback)

Niou held me tightly as we danced in the half empty club.

"I like this. The way we are now." I opened my eyes and moved closer into his arms. "It's peaceful."

Niou leaned his head so that it rested on my shoulder by the forehead. He chuckled and kissed my neck tenderly.

I put my arms around his neck and stretched my arms up as he gave me small kisses. The atmosphere was dark and quiet. It felt like we were away from prying eyes and I was comfortable with him, just dancing there.

"Why can't we be like that every day?" I sighed, "Niou, why the hell are you making things so difficult?" I lifted my head and let the water splash on my face. Again I was blaming him for our disastrous relationship.

We're always arguing! We make out…. we argue… then we make out! I don't even know how many brothers and sisters he has! Or if he is a single child! I don't know anything about him… But when I think about why I don't know I realize it is because I never cared to ask and yet I still want him as a boyfriend.

I closed the water and walked out of the shower. I dried myself and wore a clean set of pajamas. My stomach growled so I decided to feed it since I was up. I knew it was a bad Idea to eat this late and then go to sleep but I really couldn't care less at the moment.

I exited my room and walked to the kitchen; to my surprise I found food on the table obviously for me. I sat down and started to eat; the food was hot. I was surprise at first but my mind decided to begin to work. It was Aya who had made dinner for me and she obviously came to my room to wake me up but I was in the shower. I smiled feeling all giddy inside; I loved that girl with all my heart.

As soon I finished with my dinner I washed the plates and poured some orange juice in a glass. My ears perked hearing the faint sounds that came from the living room. Aya was probably watching a movie. I opened the cabinet again and took a second glass out.

I poured some apricot juice and took a bag of marshmallows. It was weird how I knew that girls likes and dislikes. I walked into the living room and sat next to her on the couch. She was watching a war movie; I rolled my ways and passed her the bag of sweets.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. "Should I put on something that you would like to watch with me?"

"Nah… I'll just stay with you for a while and then go to bed," I said picking up my juice from the table.

I sat and saw the rest of the movie with her; apparently it was a very good movie and I wished I had watched it from the beginning. I heard my phone ring so I got up from the couch and stretched my body.

"Goodnight sweetie," I said as I moved around the couch, "I will see you tomorrow morning."

Aya dropped her head backwards with a smile as she bid me goodnight too. I walked in my room and fished my phone out of my bag. I had 3 missed calls from Niou. I lay on my bed and dialed his number. He wasn't answering so I thought he was angry at me for not responding to his calls.

"What?"

I suddenly heard his gruff voice answering my call. "I'm sorry I missed your calls." Was the first thing that came to my mind. "I came home from work and fell asleep instantly." I didn't even know why I was apologizing but it felt right at the moment.

"Whatever," he mumbled, "Did you wake up now?" he asked me shortly.

I closed my eyes and told him about my day, my complaints about work and whatever could come to my mind. He listened to me; maybe that's why I wanted to have him around. He was always a good listener.

"Umm… Masaharu, I was wondering if you would like to come over tomorrow." I suddenly asked out of the blue. I was feeling comfortable at the moment, talking to him about my problems.

"Sure, I'd love too," he said sounding obviously happy about my invitation.

I tried to stifle a yawn as we continued to talk over the phone. He must have understood that I was starting to feel sleepy. I guess he knew me in ways I could never know him; maybe I should try harder. I should try harder to learn about this man; Niou Masaharu.

"Babe, I hear you yawn, so I will let you go to sleep," he said, "Do not dream about anyone else but me."

I laughed at his last statement. "I won't. I promise. Sweet dreams Masaharu. I will call you tomorrow," I said and we hang up.

I placed my phone on my side-table and turned the light off. I pulled the covers over my body and closed my eyes tiredly. Tomorrow I would try a make it a nice memory for me and him; at least I would try.

I guess happiness was still a far fetched dram for me, but I think that I should be the one to chase after it instead of waiting for it to come my way.