Sanada Genichirou
6th February
Am I happy?
I wonder why I even asked this question to myself. Unfortunately I do not have an answer to that. I am still at the office trying to finish something for an upcoming trial and yet I am writing on a diary I haven't written in years. I flicked the pages earlier to check on the last date of my entry and it was 16th March, four years ago.
If anyone would ask me why I have kept the diary for so long I really wouldn't know what to answer them. Why did I decide to write my thoughts in here again? That is a question I can actually answer. It's because I am so confused with my life and I need to clear my head before I do a terrible and irreversible mistake that would ruin everything I ever worked for.
Going back to a couple of months when I met my current girlfriend I wonder how and why I got so tangled in a relationship that I don't want to be in. My girlfriend is not the problem. She is a lovely person, with a gentle heart. I thought I fell in love with her when I heard her sing in that club Masaharu took me, but unfortunately it was nothing more than an infatuation. So basically I am the problem.
I really like being around her; her ever cheerful character is a good influence for me. I am very comfortable when we spend time together but it feels like I am with a very good friend or my little sister. Why can't I see her as a woman? Why was it that I couldn't tear my eyes off of her when she was performing on stage? Why didn't I feel any different when we sat together and got to know each other?
Questions that have no actual answer; but the most important question is why am I so deeply in love with her best friend? I didn't even like her when I met her for the first time that same night at the club. Mishima Fay. To me she seemed like a woman who would sleep around with anyone if she got the chance and she did show a very aggressive character when she interacted with Masaharu.
Well, Masaharu was Masaharu and he would never change, but that really didn't matter. I didn't like her. I couldn't care less about her being there or not. I was sure that I had fallen for Aya, but I think that the Gods must not like me that much if they played such a cruel game on me.
The first date I was so looking for with the girl I met was disastrous since by a shear twist of fate I ended up spending my night with the person I least wanted to see. I really don't know what possessed me and suggested that we should go to the restaurant anyway; but we went; and the worst part was that I had a great time.
I even went out of my way and kissed her under the mistletoe. It's weird how I remember of that first date like it was yesterday. Mishima Fay. She was someone I didn't like when I first met her but I ended up falling madly in love with her.
I can't stop these feelings and yet my current girlfriend is Aya while Fay is my own best friend's girlfriend. I cannot understand how and why I got myself into this huge mess but after our last interaction I haven't seen her; not even for a few seconds. It's as if we are trying to stay away from each other.
I can't stop thinking about the kiss we shared in that ski resort and the confession I made to her. I guess I acted like a complete fool. I really need to move on and stop tormenting myself and Aya. I would have broken off with her but I really can't get myself to do so. I really don't want to break her heart because she is such a sweet person; but I know that if I do tell her I want to break our relationship it would sadden her; and I could never call myself a man if I ever did such a thing.
But I can't pretend to love her either. That is even worse I think. When I was younger life was much simpler. I used to keep my distance from people so I could prevent myself from getting hurt. I really do think that I am a very selfish man. I know I have flaws, so I guess that's one of them.
Coming back to my current predicament, I really can't understand why on Earth I would buy a Valentine's gift for Fay. Not to mention I also bought a card to match it. Don't get me wrong, I did get a gift for my girlfriend. It's really a stupid gift if you think about it, but I bought it on impulse. I will not give her the gift because that would complicate things and I wouldn't want to ruin my relationship with Masaharu or even hurt him, since I can see that he is really in love with her.
But it seems that their relationship isn't going well for him. I know he is trying and I have seen him agonize about the outcome, but for some reason Fay is not helping him. I really don't know why because she did say that she would try but instead she is totally driving him crazy. If she doesn't want to be with him, why is she holding on to him?
I don't know the answer to that question either. It seems that I don't have answers for anything these days. I am losing my resolve as a person. I hope that by letting everything out on these pages I can calm my frustration and finally be able to concentrate on my relationship with Aya. I know that if I stay with her she will never hurt me but can I say the same for me?
I really don't want to think of the past but my mind keeps thinking about the pain I felt when my first love left me to marry someone else. She was the one person that changed me and she was the one person that destroyed me.
That's why no matter what I do in this life I want to prevent myself from hurting someone. I think that all people love and all people hurt some more some less; so who am I to complain about my pain and my losses. I believe that all that I have left from my first real relationship are the good moments that I shared with that woman, rather than the pain she caused me.
I still can't figure out why I am thinking about all this. My life is different right now and my experiences helped me become the man I am today. That why am I not feeling satisfied?
Satisfied… Happy… To me they are just two words I wrote on this page. Seiichi once asked me why I don't fight for my happiness; I never did answer him. I guess I didn't know at that time, but if he were to ask me now again I would probably tell him that my happiness lies with someone out of my reach.
I know I am returning my thoughts to her. Mishima Fay. I feel as if her name is carved into my heart and imprinted into my mind. Her whole presence is intoxicating; everything about her amazes me. I believe that she is the woman that could make feel satisfied and happy but…
I read the card I bought for her for Valentine's; it was funny to find a card that could pour all your emotions and feelings in it. I will write exactly the words written in the card as those would have been the words that I would want to tell her.
(Page One)
A special message
for the One I Love
on Valentine's Day
and always
(Page Two)
I wish that we could
spend each day and
every night together...
(Page Three)
...safe and warm
in each other's arms
and stay this close, forever
(Page Four)
You're in my heart
and in my thoughts
each hour of every day...
(Page Five)
...and no one else
in all the world...
(Page Six)
...could make me
feel this way...
(Page Seven)
...you mean the world to me
Happy Valentine's Day
with all my love
I guess I will just hide the gift and card away; I will pretend I never did get her anything since it's obvious that nothing is ever going to happen between us. So, I swore on this diary that has followed through some important days of my life that I will focus my mind on Aya from now on.
I will start by making this Valentine's special for her.
Well, this is the end of my entry. I better finish my work since it's already getting late.
Genichirou