Sawada Aya

Am I happy?

I fell down on the sofa and let out a sigh. Normally, it would take a lot to make me sad but today I just felt like being a bit depressed. Lately, I'm not sure what's happening around me. Sanada's been distant as usual, Fay's at work most of the day and night and Haru's been too busy with his own problems.

This brings me to my main question…

Am I happy?

I'm not sure if I am happy. I don't know in what type of relationship I was. I have a handsome man that I'm dating, but he's very emotionless and withdrawn. I mean, it took him quite sometime until he kissed me. It makes me wonder if I'm physically unattractive.

Nah…

That's not it.

Then what's the problem?

My problem is that I feel more like a friend to Sanada than his girlfriend. We've been out on many dates but I still feel his withdrawal. We hug, kiss and hold hands but still… I feel that there's something missing. I feel terrible for having these thoughts, but sometimes… My head hurts. I'm not even sure I can talk to Fay about this because I know she's having problems with Haru.

I picked up the notepad from the table and stared at the blank pages. Normally I could pour my hearts out into writing a song, but I couldn't find any inspiration at the moment, for my emotions were all over the place.

I threw the notepad on the table and picked up my cell phone. I needed a cheerful person to talk to. And no… grumpy and a workaholic did not count this time. I quickly dialed a number and waited for the person to pick up. "Hello?"

"Haru!"

He chuckled, "Hey Aya," he murmured.

I heard shifting in the background and wanted to speak, but he interrupted me. "You need to make it quick, babe. Is this social or business?"

I raised an eyebrow at his comment. Great… The one person who can cheer me up is too busy for me. "Umm… Actually, I wanted to see you."

"Oh? You want to cheat on my best friend?" he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at his statement, "You know what I mean," I said in a hurried fashion. I don't know what possessed me to ask him that. I really was feeling down and I was sure that he would be the only one to cheer me up.

"Are you down because it's Valentine's Day tomorrow?"

I let out a sigh and fell on the sofa. Stupid Valentine's… how could I enjoy Valentine's with someone like Sanada? I thought sarcastically. I shifted in my place and placed my head on the sofa's arm rest.

"Aya, you went quite."

I closed my eyes. "No, I just wanted to have fun," I admitted, rubbing my face. "Sanada's busy and Fay will be working tonight."

Niou didn't say anything about my remark. "So what do you want to do then?"

I sat up joyfully when he said that. "Seriously? You're free? You won't ditch me for work or your girlfriend?"

He gave a sarcastic laughter, "It's the other way round when it comes to my girl," he muttered, and then he cleared his throat. "I'll meet you at the mall around 7, be good babe," he said, hanging up.

I smiled and kept my eyes closed. I think I will nap a bit.

As I made my way through the mall, the heart shaped red everywhere around me made me feel vulnerable. I know I was an idiot because this holiday was special to me. All my life, during school, university and work I had wanted a special Valentine's Day, but it always backfired. Truthfully, I think I'm a bit down in the dumps because I don't think it's going to happen with Sanada either.

I'm so confused…

I remember that my friends were always making fun of me because of the big deal I made for this holiday. However, as the years went by, I sort of started feeling like them – it wasn't special anymore. Stupid cliché holiday, I swore, looking around for Niou.

I stood by the cinema, knowing that he might actually want to watch a movie and decided to wait for him by the lamppost. As I leaned against it, I heard… "Yo."

I felt his hair tickle my cheek and I chuckled at the ticklish effect. I turned around and saw the devilish smile on his face. I'm not sure what it was, but lately, he had been a good friend. Even one of the best… "Haru."

He laughed, kissing my cheek and then smiled. "I am still not used to that name," he admitted, watching me.

I looked up at him with a joyful smile and then just let out a sigh. "So, what do you want to do?"

He eyed me carefully, making me almost feel uncomfortable and rubbed his jaw. "Shall we just walk around?" he asked, taking my wrist and leading me towards the centre of the mall. "Are you really down, Aya?"

His question staggered me, but at the same time, I knew that he wasn't someone I could conceal my feelings in front of. "I just… I really hate the 14th, Haru," I admitted inaudibly. I didn't want to say it out loud because I didn't want another person to tell me that it was a stupid holiday, but damnit! It was important to me.

"High expectations?"

I blinked, looking at him. I wasn't sure where this was going…

Niou bent down and peered into my face, "Do you have high expectations of Sanada tomorrow?"

His blunt question made me blush. I turned my face and then sighed yet again. I looked at him straight in the face. "You tell me," I said courageously enough without allowing my voice to tremble.

Niou eyed me seriously. We both looked at each other until he looked away and smiled. "I think you shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt, he might just surprise you." He winked at me.

I looked at him suspiciously. I felt a slight flutter in my tummy, but I didn't want to give myself high hopes, for I didn't know what to expect of Sanada. I finally decided that it's awkward now, so I changed the subject. "Umm… Are you doing anything?"

Niou picked up a magazine from a brochure advertising stand and flipped through it.

I looked at him knowingly and poked him. I knew that Fay was not on his favorite subject list at the moment. "Don't ignore my question."

He closed the brochure with both hands and looked at me seriously. "No, to be honest and I don't think she's expecting something." He kept on walking and I followed him. "Let's not talk about them, Aya."

"No! If Fay's not expecting anything, then surprise her, damnit! Even that idiot Niwa used to do something for her."

He looked at me in surprise, backing off a bit. "Why is this holiday so important to you? And what does it matter to you what I do for Fay?"

"Because…" I said, and then snapped. "Because it's important! She is working all day and she NEEDS you to show her how special she feels…"

"What about my needs?" he muttered.

"It's a two-way situation, Haru," I told him seriously. "The least you could do is show her that you care and not fight… at least tomorrow."

"I'll think about it," he finally said, walking ahead.

"But…"

"No more, Aya." He looked at me sharply. "I want us to have dinner now. I'm here to spend time with you tonight, so let's not discuss Fay… or Sanada."

I closed my mouth and decided to follow him. He had managed to dampen my mood a bit and I didn't like the situation. I wondered why men were really stupid when it came to special days.

"Before you say anything, Aya, I'm going to say one thing," Niou said, "I believe everyday can be special, Fay and I are just not there yet," he explained, walking into a restaurant. "I don't want to do something on a cliché holiday and that's the end of that."

I looked at him with admiration and grinned. I just sat down quietly and lifted the menu. Sometimes I wished that Sanada had the same attitude as Niou. I'm not comparing them, but it would be nice if I just felt… wanted or loved during an outing with Sanada.

I put my menu down and lay my elbows on the table as I rested my chin on my hands, "I'm depressed."

"No, you're not. You're just lonely because your boyfriend and best friend are neglecting you," he answered swiftly, not taking his eyes off the menu.

"You're not helping."

He moved his hand and ruffled my hair. "I'm not planning on helping, I've been with you for an hour and all you've done is whine," he said with a smirk. "Tell me something, Aya… Did you buy Sanada something?"

I looked at him curiously, "Eh?"

He grinned and rubbed a hand through his hair. "Is Valentine's seriously a one sided thing? If Sanada gives you a gift, don't you think he will be expecting something in return?"

I looked at him peculiarly, "Umm… I don't think so."

"Don't assume you don't think so," he said sharply, "You just don't know."

I looked at him exasperated… "Don't you think it's embarrassing if I give him and he doesn't?"

"Simple, just don't give him the gift until he gives it to you."

"And if he doesn't I'm stuck with it."

"Not when I'm your best friend."

I slapped his arm exasperated. "Then eat your food fast so we can pick something out for him."

He didn't say anything.

"No."

Niou looked at me, "What do you mean no? I said buy him something, I didn't say be damn picky about it."

I crossed my arms and shook my head. I knew I was being picky, but damnit, I wanted something special. "It has to be special."

"He won't care, Aya," he put the sweater back and began browsing for other things. "He'll be happy with anything you give him."

"But…"

"No," he muttered, moving a hand through his hair.

"You know…" I began, pushing him away from the store. "You get lost and get Fay something. I need to do this on my own," I admitted. "I can't do this with your constant nagging."

"Excuse me?"

I shooed him with my hand. "Just give me half an hour and I'll meet you."

"Che," he muttered, walking out.

I hope I didn't offend him, but I just couldn't concentrate with his whining. I needed to think and know exactly what I want. I was determined to make tomorrow special even if it kills me.

I wasn't expecting any special night or closure, but I knew I could make the day as a beautiful memory. But… he still hasn't called me… I thought, looking at my cell phone.

And as if my phone had sent him a subliminal message, it rang. Oh… I looked at the caller ID and noticed that it was him. "Hello?"

"Hi, Aya."

I smiled at his voice. It was such a strong and powerful voice that it always made me shivers. He was definitely what you call 'all man'. "Hello," I said cheerfully, browsing around the store.

"How are you?"

"I'm good," I replied, moving my free hand through the stack of shirts while the other held onto the cell phone. "I'm just doing some last minute shopping."

"Oh…" he said. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and spoke. "Are you free tomorrow?"

I felt giddy inside and decided to ask him out straight. "For?"

"A whole day, Aya," he said softly. "I know it's special to you."

The statement made me halt in my steps. I know it's special to you? Umm… it made me stop and think. Wasn't it special to him? Was he doing this out of obligation? Was I thinking too much into this?

"Aya?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at my cell phone. Sighing, I placed it on my ear and spoke into it. "I'm free, what do you have in mind?"

As he spoke, a lot of things went through my mind. I walked around the store listening to him and still wondered… was I really happy? Sanada Genichirou… what do you have in store for me? What does the future hold for us? At this stage of our time together, I started thinking again.

Am I really happy?