Rabastan could barely draw breath as Rodolphus looked up at him and beckoned him over. Bellatrix rested her head on Rodolphus's chest and looked at Rabastan too, and there was a small smirk upon her lips that looked to Rabastan as if she was gloating at him, though it might have just been gratification at the feeling of Rodolphus's arms around her…
Oh God.
"Rab…" Rodolphus stepped away from Bellatrix and held out his arms. "It's so good to see you again."
Rabastan embraced his brother tightly and an acute stab of desire ran through his body. It felt so unbelievably good to have Rodolphus's arms so tight around him, to feel so safe and protected in his embrace…
"How are you?" Rodolphus asked. "How were your exams? How was the trip back?"
"Fine," murmured Rabastan. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to rest against Rodolphus's chest and memorize the feeling of his strong, muscular body, the steady beating of his heart, and the warmth of his embrace. "Everything was fine."
"I've missed you…"
"Mmm." Rabastan closed his eyes. He was aware that Bellatrix was glaring at them – he could feel her eyes burning into him – but he didn't care. He wouldn't pull away until Rodolphus did. He wanted the hug to go on forever…
But then Rodolphus stepped back and reached out to help Rabastan with his trunk. "It's exciting, isn't it?"
"What?"
"Being done Hogwarts." He looked at him as though that should have been obvious and Rabastan felt his cheeks colouring.
"Oh… yes," he muttered. "Very exciting."
"I'll see you later, Rod," Bellatrix said, leaning forward and kissing Rodolphus altogether too passionately for such a public place.
He responded, stroking her hair tenderly, and then pulled back and smiled. "Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," Bellatrix agreed, nodding and giving him a silly, doe-eyed little smile before heading off, presumably to help Andromeda with her trunk.
"Come on," Rodolphus said, when he finally managed to tear his eyes off Bellatrix's retreating back. "Mother and Father will be so happy to see you…"
"If they were excited to see me, they would have come and met me at the station," Rabastan muttered, eyes going down to the ground. He didn't want Rodolphus to mention their parents. Their parents just got in the way of everything…
"Is something wrong, Rab?" Rodolphus asked with a note of concern.
Yes, Rabastan wanted to say. He wanted to yell it at the top of his voice so that Rodolphus would finally understand how very wrong it was, because Rodolphus was simply refusing to understand. Something is wrong. I can't stop thinking about you, I've spent all term telling myself that I don't want you and I do.
"No, nothing's wrong," he said, and he just barely managed to force a smile. "I'm just a little tired, that's all. It's been a long trip. Let's- let's just go home."
)O(
Rodolphus slipped into Rabastan's room while he was getting ready for bed that night. He looked a bit nervous, but quite determined. Rabastan froze immediately – his pyjama shirt was only half done up and he felt quite horribly exposed.
"Can I talk to you?" Rodolphus asked. He averted his eyes from his brother's body, staring out the window instead.
"Of course." Rabastan sat down on the edge of the bed. He tried to do up the buttons of his shirt. His fingers were shaking terribly and he couldn't do it.
"Here." Rodolphus leaned down and started doing up the buttons for him, and Rabastan shivered a little at the sensation of his brother's fingertips brushing across his chest. It was so intimate, so gentle, and Rabastan felt a bit childish, letting his brother help him with his clothes like this…
"What is it, Rod?" he murmured.
Rodolphus sighed and lowered his hands, looking at Rabastan with a rather desperate expression. "Rab, I know I'm- I'm the older brother and I'm the one who's always supposed to protect you… not saddle you with my problems… but- but I don't know who else to tell…"
Rabastan's heart leapt. Already, his mind was filling with ideas of what Rodolphus might say – I don't want to marry Bellatrix, or I prefer the company of men, or (oh, God, please) I think I'm in love with you.
"It's something that Bellatrix told me."
"Oh." He should have known that any of the things he had imagined were far too good to be true, but it still stung a little to think that the only reason that his brother was talking to him was because Bellatrix had upset him. But then, it was good to think that he was going to him for comfort…
"What did she tell you?" he asked, trying to sound as comforting as possible. Rodolphus sat down on the bed and Rabastan edged towards him a little in an attempt to give the strongest air of intimacy that he could manage.
Rodolphus looked away from him. "She made me- she made me promise not to tell anyone… said that she didn't want people to know… but I needed to tell someone, Rab." He looked up at him desperately. "And I trust you."
"I won't tell anyone," he promised, then added, a little bit hesitantly, "I'm good at keeping secrets."
"And- Rab, it… it concerns Andromeda too." Rodolphus looked at him a bit warily. "It- it might upset you–"
"It won't," Rabastan said quickly. "It's all right. Just tell me what's wrong."
Rodolphus took a deep breath, then said, in a rush, "They slept together."
"What?"
It shouldn't have been difficult to understand – they slept together wasn't exactly a complicated statement – but the idea caught Rabastan completely off guard. The idea that another pair of siblings might feel the same way that he did…
"They slept together." Rodolphus's voice cracked and he put his hand over his face, shaking his head. "I- I just- she seemed like she regretted it, but…" He looked up at Rabastan. There were tears in his eyes, which shook Rabastan to his core. He hated the idea of his brother crying.
"But what?"
"But how can I even touch her again?" Rodolphus burst out. He clenched his hand into a fist and slammed it against the bed. "Knowing that she touched her sister like that! It's- it's so sick, Rabastan!"
"I- I don't know…" Rabastan mumbled. He felt like his heart was being crushed with every word that Rodolphus spoke. "I mean… what's so bad about it – if they're still willing to marry us…"
"What's so bad about it?" Rodolphus let out a disbelieving snort. "How can you even ask that, Rab? They're sisters!"
"I know. It's just – why does it matter that they're sisters, if they can't have children and they're still going to marry us?"
Rodolphus stared at Rabastan. "You're joking, aren't you?" he asked, with such scorn in his voice that Rabastan almost wanted to say that he was because he couldn't stand the idea that his brother thought him so stupid.
"No," he said in a tiny voice. "I don't see why it's so wrong –"
"First off, they're both girls. And everyone knows that girls who fancy other girls aren't any good for marriage. Really, Rabastan, you know this. And you know what sort of scandal there is when people find out that siblings have been sleeping together too. People would say that that's reason enough to think that the Blacks are inbred, and then no one would want to marry them."
"But Mother and Father are already marrying us off to Bellatrix and Andromeda, so why–"
"Rabastan!" Rodolphus leaned forward and placed his hands firmly on his shoulders, staring into his eyes. "It's as bad as if you and I slept together!"
Rabastan's felt sick. He stumbled to his feet and pushed his brother's hands away, but before he could even get to the door, his stomach heaved horribly. He fell to his knees and clawed at the rubbish bin, but before he could reach it, he felt a spasm go through his throat and he heaved up the remains of his dinner.
"Rab!" Rodolphus was at his side in an instant, dragging the bin over to him so that he could throw up into it. He wrapped his arms tightly around him and hot tears burned Rabastan's eyes.
If it's so sick, then stop touching me!
"It's all right," Rodolphus soothed. He stroked tears from Rabastan's cheeks and held him close. "You're going to be all right."
"N- no," Rabastan whispered. "I'm not–"
"Of course you are." Rodolphus helped him to his feet, pulling him back towards the bed. "You probably ate something bad. I thought the meat at dinner tasted a little bit off…"
They both knew quite well that the meat had been fine. Rodolphus was only trying to convince himself otherwise to make an excuse for Rabastan's sickness. He didn't want to consider the possibility that it was something serious. That was a threat that had hung over their heads for as long as anyone in the Lestrange family could remember – that Rabastan would fall ill with something serious and never recover…
And Rodolphus also wouldn't want to think that maybe it was his fault that Rabastan was ill.
Rabastan had never felt so consumed with guilt. Rodolphus was right – his desires were disgusting, completely disgusting. The way he thought about his brother was sick. He had been stupid to ever nurture them, and he deserved the most intense punishment possible…
His stomach churned again and he leaned over and spat another mouthful of vomit into the bin. Rodolphus rubbed his back tenderly.
"It's going to be all right, Rab," he whispered. "Come on… don't cry…"
Rabastan tried to gulp back his own tears, but he couldn't. The way Rodolphus held him, so gently, so tenderly, only reminded him that he was never going to be able to have him and that it was disgusting – and, moreover, that Rodolphus thought it was disgusting – for him to want it. He should have told Rodolphus to leave him alone, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.
Rodolphus gently wiped Rabastan's mouth, then his forehead, which was slick with cold sweat.
"Go to sleep, Rab," he said gently. "You'll be all right in the morning."
"Stay with me," Rabastan whispered. It was a stupid thing to want, but Rodolphus had always been there to comfort him, and even when he was the reason that Rabastan was upset, he felt better with his brother's strong arms around him, felt better hearing him whispering in his ear that it was going to be all right.
"Of course…" Rodolphus sat back and pulled off his shirt, which he had wiped his hands on and was stained with Rabastan's vomit. Rabastan closed his eyes. He didn't want to see his brother's body, his strong, powerful, naked torso…
Oh God.
Rodolphus stroked his forehead lightly. "I'm- I'm just going to clean up… I'll be back in a moment," he whispered, and Rabastan nodded, keeping his eyes shut.
He was tired, so tired…
When Rabastan woke up, his bedroom was clean and the sky was dark outside the window. He wasn't sure how much time had passed – it had just been sunset when he had been sick. The room looked as clean and serene as ever it had, and there were no reminders of last night.
Except Rodolphus.
Rodolphus was in bed with him. Even before Rabastan opened his eyes and looked, he could feel the warmth and weight of his body pressed against him. His arm was shifting slightly, and Rabastan was about to turn over and ask Rodolphus what time it was when he heard a soft groan.
Rabastan had to fight against every natural urge he had not to stiffen. He could feel Rodolphus arch his back, heard him breathing heavily, and then, when he took a tentative sniff of the air, smelled something salty, slightly sweet, slightly sour…
"Oh God," Rodolphus whispered, and he sounded tearful. Rabastan heard a rustling of fabric, then Rodolphus took him gently by his shoulders – clearly attempting not to wake him, and pulled him tightly against his body.
Rabastan could hear and feel his brother's heartbeat, so much quicker than usual. Rodolphus's arms shook as he clung to him, his fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt, and it took every ounce of self-control that Rabastan had to stay limp and pretend to be asleep when he felt his brother's cock – soft, and still throbbing – pressing against his leg.