Mara goes with Luke to the annual Halloween party on Naboo and finally meets Leia Skywalker-Solo. Luke's sister is short, beautiful and around three months pregnant. Which earns the aforementioned lady a "when were you going to tell me?" from her twin brother. She's using her pregnancy as part of her reelection campaign. Han keeps insisting that they should name the baby Han Solo Junior, Leia wants to name their son Anakin for her father. Outwardly, nothing about this graceful, brunette, porcelain skin goddess screams danger. Until Rush Clovis tries to dissuade Padmé from "wasting her life as the bride of Frankenstein". Has he looked in a mirror lately? Then Leia beats Mara to punching the shit out of the man and reenters the festivities with a face so calm, you'd never guess she left a man unconscious and tied him naked to the nearest tree. Note to self: do not anger this politician. Leia's Princess Xena in platform heels and fancy braids.

Mara tells Luke where her will is kept, in case his sister burns/drowns/strangles her to death. He can have all her Opera records, even her rare Rosa Poncelli vinyl. Kyle can have her library. Lando can have grandpa's disco collection. God knows he and Korkie are the only ones who'd appreciate it. Luke just laughs and says that he'll protect her. If Luke doesn't keep his word, she is going to haunt him till he greys prematurely. They see Biggs volunteering at Rochester under a fake name a couple of days later. Does no one from Naboo possess an ounce of self-preservation? After hearing about Leia's pregnancy, he jokingly orders them to start working on their babymaking. Her Emperor would had a heart attack if he'd met Luke and Biggs in the same room.

"Does Biggs know you were a virgin until we made love 3 weeks ago cause I thought he'd have given you a girl for the night."

"Not so loud, spies are everywhere. And he did about two years ago. But I convinced her to teach me a few tricks instead of ravaging me. Then we pretended to have sex so the guys wouldn't get another one."

"What, she wasn't pretty enough for you?"

"No, she was a supermodel but I don't believe in pity sex or one night stands for that matter. I wanted someone who saw me, not a gnarled amputee."

"So you wanted a blind girl. Visually impaired people still see, not just not the way we do."

"I know, my church has a blind priest and nothing escapes Father Kota. But that might be due to his Black Ops training."

"Farmboy, sometimes I think you're a magnet for noteworthy veterans and handicapped people. "

" Monsters have a way of finding each other. "

"Halloween was last week, I'll see you tomorrow and hopefully you'll have an epiphany and realize how beautiful you are by then."

She hails a taxi and heads home for a good night's sleep. For a second, she wonders if Winter has Callista Ming's home address so she can kill her for giving someone as wonderful as Luke insecurities. Nah, the bitch's not worth the homicide charges. Besides, Luke wouldn't approve it. He's never been prone to revenge. With a father like Anakin, that's a miracle. Probably his grandmother Shmi's influence. That old lady's a regular Mother Theresa. Her phone starts ringing, it better be important.

" Lando: I'm tired so clubbing is not in my plans tonight. Find another wingman or in my case wingwoman."

"Shallow Jade, looks can fade."

"What are you rambling on about?"

"I freed you from that Qui-Gon Jinn's voodoo spell and prevented your funeral. Your welcome."

"Are you stoned or something? I'm in perfect health and Qui-Gon Jinn's a life coach, not a witchdoctor."

"Meet me at Winter's place. I'll explain everything."

Great, now I have to take Calrissian for a psych evaluation. Unless he's high, then I'm putting him to bed with a teddy bear and posting the pictures on Facebook. She hangs up the phone and tells the driver to change course. Instead of the handsome figure that drove the car, she sees a mousy man with a receding hairline. What the hell is going on? Did the other taxi driver drug me? She jumps out of the vehicle and walks the rest of the way to Winter's apartment. Her best friend is hitting Lando with a rolling pin and saying that he ruined everything. He starts talking about some sort of trance Jinn gave her to see inner beauty. Winter believes him and says it explains how Mara constantly said Luke was gorgeous, her cousin hasn't been handsome since that blast disfigured him. Mara doesn't believe them until she sees Porkins who's chatting online with Winter and the 300 pound man cracks a joke about Bolshoi ballerinas she never told Lando when he sees her. She grabs the rolling pin from Winter and hits him on the head.

"Thanks a lot, you narcissistic, discomaniac manwhore ! I had a hot, gentlemanly man who was head over heels for me and you made him disappear!

"Your Prince charming is a crippled paedophile ! I was trying to protect you."

"What the fuck made you think that ?!"

"I have evidence, look this fell off the files he had. I took it before you noticed. The girl here is four, five years old tops."

"Lando, this girl is me."

She recognizes that dress. Great-uncle had bought it for her and gave her warm milk that made her sleepy. She's asleep in this photo and the dress is cast aside in the corner, covered in semen. Oh my God, those women weren't lying ! It's all gone horribly wrong. The Emperor is a servant of evil, Luke is deformed and she's a shallow whore that defended a rapist. Her whole life is meaningless. She has no honor, no legacy, no place in her head untouched by his poison. There's nowhere to hide, the corpse is still smiling. Her body faints while she screams inside.

Notes

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