Chapter 19

The snow was falling slowly, the sun hidden in the white clouds. The wind was blowing through the lands, but the trees held back the worst of it, shielding the men riding through the forest. Crows were huddling up along the naked branches, their wings close to their bodies to keep the cold out, looking down towards the horses moving without a sound along the snow-covered path. The four riders were moving at a calm pace for the sake of the injured, rather taking it slow and steady and actually making it to Paris.

There was an eerie silence around them.

Do you think loneliness can disguise your emotions?
Hide, and you'll receive nothing.
I can understand that I have tortured my friends
As they have watched me drag myself around

They were all lost in thought, thinking about the course of events that had led them through these last weeks. It had been a roller coaster ride, full of hurt, comfort, love and hate. Athos hadn't spoken a word since they left the lands of La Fére more than an hour ago, and none of the other men had felt inclined to start the conversation, mainly because they had no idea how to. They just didn't have the right words to use. Because they knew the man riding in front was so badly hurt that no words would actually be of help.

They had all thought they would be riding to La Fére to finally get Athos' past off his shoulders, get a hold of that heavy burden and pluck it down from his back. They thought his troubled soul would finally find rest, and that by the time they left, he would feel relieved and at peace.

That had failed terribly.

They had never before seen Athos as shaken as he was now, it was clearly visible even though the man was sitting so still that he could actually be frozen into the saddle. His eyes were looking forward, but seemed far away, not aware of the present encircling him. His eyes were looking, but not seeing. To everyone unfamiliar with every little flinch Athos made, he looked calm and stoic, but his demeanor terrified his friends. He looked lost. He looked like he had lost his path in life and was in a frantic search of once again finding it, without having the faintest idea of where to start looking.

There were nights were
I was freezing in loneliness
I denied it back then
How did seconds turn into an eternity,
as I arrived, only to walk out?

.

D'Artagnan was the first one to break the silence, not being able to hold back any longer as guilt was welling up and eating him from the inside. He had regretted his words ever since Athos barged at him, and he kept beating himself up. How could he have been so stupid? He just couldn't stand the hateful words coming from their mouths, words of disrespect and ignorance. Words that had no right to be uttered in the presence of the man d'Artagnan respected so greatly. So he had stopped the words. But now he regretted it, because it had not been his fight, and he had walked straight in between Athos troubles and spread it out like a wolf will cut through a herd.

He had to apologize.

"Athos, I'm sorr-"

He didn't get further than that before Athos cut him off, as if the older man had just been waiting for d'Artagnan to choose his words.

"Don't. Don't apologize. I am not angry with you. You spoke words I should've uttered years ago. It had been held hidden for too many years and it was about time for them to know the truth. I'm grateful, not angry. So do not apologize. I am not upset with you."

D'Artagnan opened his mouth as if he was about to say something more, but he didn't know what to say, and quickly closed it again while sending a careful glance in his mentor's direction. Athos had spoken to him, but he had not stopped staring straight ahead for a moment. He was still too lost in his emotions, rushing through him without control.

D'Artagnan felt like grabbing a hold of his shoulders and shake him, to tell him it's not his fault that everything's a mess, that it's not his fault anyone died, and he couldn't have done anything different. And most of all he wanted him to start looking forward, terrified that Athos would wither away to some forsaken shell who didn't care anymore, who didn't fight, talk, sleep nor eat. D'Artagnan couldn't stand watching Athos drown himself in sorrow with help of alcohol.

But he had no idea how to stop him.

How many days have I wasted,
Due to cursing their existence?
If you are searching for warmth,
Although your heart stopped burning
Your soul will lie elsewhere

Before them, Athos past laid wide open, like a wound not yet stitched by a physician's skilled hands, and still bleeding profusely. Everything was out in the open, everything about Thomas' hidden secrets, Anne shattered soul and Athos' broken heart. His guilt was wider than ever before, and as it wasn't bad enough, Simone had died in his place. The woman who had been his anchor whilst traveling stormy seas had been laid to rest in frozen ground. His solid pillar of comfort from an early age had vanished.

But the one thing that was rummaging through his head the most was Anne. Milady. His wife. She still was, no matter what she was still his wife, and he still loved her. They would never have a future together, but Athos could not help but to imagine what life could've been with a little toddler, a son of his own that he could train in swords and horseriding, read Shakespeare and romans d'aventures, written by Amadis of Gaul, Béroalde de Verville, Nicolas de Montreux.. He could picture himself cuddled in bed with a copy Honoré d'Urfé's bokk L'Astrée, reading out loud while his son resting towards his chest.

He was taken from his thoughts as he heard Porthos' voice. Porthos, never delicate, but always straight to the point, and knowing exactly what to say to make an impact.

"Did y'know she was pregnant?"

Athos just shook his head as he lowered his chin towards his chest. "No. She told me just before. I… I never knew of it."

"Y'know we're all really sorry, ey?"

"I know." Athos mumbled, straightening his neck again, his deep blue eyes staring off into the distance.

When I believed I had found what I've been dreaming of
I was sailing through the blue
Where I was heading, I've forgotten
Because I arrived, only to walk out

Maybe there's still a place anyway
For the stranger who always came, but only to walk out

I can force you to stay if I'd like
But the only thing I'll gain,
Is a feeling of incompleteness,
If I came, only to walk out. .

"Remain with us."

Athos whipped his head around, quickly enough to send a rush of nausea through his throat. He swallowed hard as he focused on the voice that had spoken to him, the voice belonging to Aramis. The words had startled him. What did he mean? He was right here?

"I beg your pardon?" Athos asked.

"I am asking you, to remain with us."

"I'm not going anywhere Aramis?" Athos said, not certain of what Aramis was referring to. They were on their way to Paris. It was not like he was about to gallop off into the distance and never return. He was not a deserter. He would never leave his friends behind. After all – without his friends, what did he have left? He had watched his parents die, he had done mistakes causing his brother's death, he had condemned his wife and child, and now his Nounou was taken from him. He had nothing left but his friends.

"I didn't mean your body. I meant your soul. We can see how much this has taken off you, and even though we will never fully understand your pain, we are always here, by your side, when you need us. I am asking you, begging of you, to turn to us when the time comes. When the feeling of helplessness creeps up on you in the wee hours of the morning, I am asking of you to remain amongst us, turn to us in grief instead of turning to the bottle, let us be a light in your world of darkness."

"Ey. Listen to 'im Athos, he's speakin' true. We're all 'ere when you need us. Y'part of us and we need you with us to keep goin'. Don't drown on us. Let us help." Porthos added, catching Athos' eyes with his own.

"The fact that you are still upright is just proof of how strong minded you are, Athos. No one should ever have to go through half of the heartbreak that you have endured, and especially not such a God-honest man as yourself. I look at you, and wish that I was half as strong as you are. You are inspirational."

"I… I hear your words. I am just not certain that I know how to proceed."

"It will be hard. There will be nights shaken by terrors, there will be memories replaying and it will take time. What we are asking of you, is for you to cry it out, and then rebuild yourself. You have to let yourself completely break down so that you can rebuild yourself into a stronger soldier than you have ever been before. Every man can go through heartbreak and keep going, but there's a difference between those who just move on, and those who survive. Those who just move on are those who just let life roll away while they dwell in the shadows, grief eating them up from the inside until they perish. But those who survive are those who learn from what happened, and grow stronger with every day that passes. What we are asking of you, if to survive. Remain. Do not leave us."

Athos met Aramis' eyes, his hazel eyes full of worry, terrified of abandonment. Athos had seen that look in the man's eyes on very few occasions before, and every single time had been when Aramis had been left after Savoy. Occasions where he thought for certain that his friends would leave him behind never to return. Athos hated that look, he hated causing those emotions to stir within his brother's mind and he hated having Aramis feeling uncertain of his intents.

He would never leave Aramis. He could never leave him behind. Because that man would not survive being abandoned once again.

"Aramis, my brother." Athos whispered, slowing Roger down, allowing Belle to catch up with him on his left side. He then turned to the other two Musketeers as well before he talked.

They all halted close to each other on the narrow path.

"Aramis. Porthos. D'Artagnan. I might not be certain on how to proceed with this. I might not have the faintest idea on how I will survive the nights. But the one thing I do know, is that I will, somehow, always remain, because I have the three of you standing besides me, ready to catch me whenever I fall. In no possible universe am I leaving you behind. You ask me, and I promise you, that I will remain."

Ask me and I will remain
Do you want to know who I am?

And there you have it my dear friends. The end! Thank you for following me all the way, reviewing, following, favoring .. I am beyond grateful. Several new stories are being worked on, so keep your eyes open! :)

Everything in cursive is translated lyrics from the song "Be mig" (beg me) performed by Nordman.