Chapter 69: Awkward

What do you want from me?

I want you to remember your promise!

It is unnecessary! You have everything under control!

Ana sat at the small table in Cassandra's room, listening as Cullen argued with the Seeker, she sat there, quiet as a mouse. While at the same time trying very hard to resist the urge to just go down the stairs and get between the two.

It was not easy, but somehow she managed to stay out of it.

Finally he stormed off, leaving Cassandra alone.

The Inquisitor pursed her lips.

Well, that was…troubling.

After everything she had faced these last few weeks she was happy to finally return to Skyhold, to finally have a chance to catch her breath and decide what they were going to do next. Leliana and Josephine had many ideas on that front, but it would take time to get the various pieces into place.

That, of course, meant that she had some time for herself. She had decided to spend it with those that she had come to care about, to check in make sure everything was okay. That business in Redcliffe with Dorian had shown her that she did not know her companions quite as well as she should…

The time had come to change that.

Plus, it gave her a chance to seek out Cullen, to see how he was doing. After their little…interlude by the lake, she wanted to spend some quiet time with him. She had hoped that he had not worried about her. Going dragon hunting was not exactly an occupation that guaranteed safety.

Their lives were not easy, she was always in danger, but that did not mean that she did not care what he thought. She would let him know she was all right, and then they would see where things would go from there. She knew where she wanted to go; now it was just a matter of getting him to follow her lead.

If he went along, he would likely enjoy the experience as much as she.

So much for that idea, she thought.

She arrived to find his office empty. The soldier he had left behind said he had needed to tend to some errands. She could wait if she liked, but the Commander had not been sure when he would return.

So she had sought out Cassandra, she was curious to discover what the woman had discovered in the late Lord Seeker Lucian's book. The man might have been mad at the end, but clearly something he had found in that book had convinced him to turn against his own order.

She arrived in Cassandra's room over the armory to find the Seeker…shaken. It had taken a bit of coaxing, but slowly, the story had come out, the truth about the Seeker's vigil, the rite of Tranquility, and the fact that the Seekers had known all along how to reverse the rite.

Ana had been shaking her head by the time Cassandra finished. She was angry, not at her friend and mentor, but at the bastards in the Seekers for keeping this information to themselves for so long…

Cassandra had likely explained it best though.

After a time, power becomes its own master; the Seekers had come to care more about defending their own position than performing their duties and honoring their oath to the chantry.

The Seeker did not believe that the mage rebellion could have been prevented, even had this information been given to them, after Kirkwall, it was only a matter of time until the Circle found and excuse to openly rebel. The Seekers might have been able to contain the violence, but by that time, Lord Seeker Lambert had clearly only seen the opportunity the mages had offered. It had been his chance to make himself more than a servant of the chantry.

Lambert had been an ambitious man, few such men had time to think of the consequences of their ambition.

She gave Ana a worried look.

"Will this happen to us as well, Inquisitor? Will we get so lost in the power we wield that we will forget the promises we made to the people of Thedas?"

Ana could only sigh.

"I'm no prophet, Cassandra," she said, "I can't see the future. Is it possible that we could become part of the problem? Yes, but at the same time, realizing that that could happen is the first step in avoiding it. We cannot allow our faith to make us start thinking that we are infallible, we are not. We are mortal men and women. The inquisition needs to remember that, it will keep us honest in the years to come."

The Seeker nodded, her lip curled into that almost-smile that the Inquisitor had come to know well.

"When did you get so wise, Inquisitor?"

The girl chuckled.

"I've had wise advisors. I've picked up a few things."

Cassandra snorted with amusement and joined her at the small table, pouring them both glasses of wine. They discussed then what needed to be done about this new information. Cassandra wished to rebuild the Seekers, she still believed that some of them still lived, but she intended to do it more carefully this time, more wisely.

She intended to share what was in this book with all of them. Show the survivors the mistakes that had been made. Some would listen she hoped, and hopefully they would realize that what they had been doing for the longest time was not the Maker's will. They would need to find out what that meant, truly, they needed to be true to their name and seek it out, find the right answers to their questions.

Ana agreed, but also suggested that this secret not remain hidden among the Seekers. The mages deserved to know this as well. She suggested offering them any and all research regarding the Rite of Tranquility. Hiding the truth and killing to protect that secret had led them to the place that they were now.

If the future was going to be brighter, the mages needed to know that they were a valuable part of that future. The Circle was needed, but it needed to be reformed. They could not afford to keep the mages in isolation any longer. Trust worked both ways; let both sides prove that they were ready to work together.

There would be anger of course, frustration and anger born in the circle would not simply die overnight, neither of the women doubted that, but hopefully between Fiona and Vivian they could show the mages that they were a part of this world, and that they could be trusted to move forward wisely.

It would be an awkward situation, at least at first, Cassandra said.

Again Ana chuckled.

She was starting to get used to awkward situations.

The situation with Dorian was proof of that.

IOI

Ana, Solas, Sera, and Dorian's journey out of Redcliffe had been…uncomfortable to say the least.

The Inquisitor was happy with the way things had gone. Dorian had not been happy that his father had reached out to him through Mother Giselle, but with a little prodding from Ana he had agreed to meet with the man's retainer. It had apparently been a long time since father and son had spoken, Dorian refused to go into the details, but it was clear that something had burned the familial bridges, something more than Dorian refusing to get married and live happily ever after according to his family. The Inquisitor only asks that he have an open mind, having lost her own father, she had no desire to see a rift develop between the two that might never be healed. Dorian promised to humor her, if only to keep the peace between him and her. It wasn't much, she realized but it was a start.

He said little on their journey to Redcliffe. He acted like he almost hoped that this was some Venatori trap, then at least he would be able to justify the anger he felt. Ana chose to keep her distance, whoever this retainer was; he definitely would have his work cut out for him convincing Dorian and his father to meet.

As it turned out, the issue was moot.

They had arrived at the Tavern in Redcliffe to find not a retainer of House Pavus, but the Magister himself. Halward Pavus stood before them, every bit the Tevinter noble he was born to be. Dorian had lashed out of course. Ana had done what she could to keep him from storming out.

This is still your father Dorian, at least try not to make this situation worse!

During the next few minutes, she learned the whole tale of what had happened, what had caused the rift between father and son.

It was not as simple as she had first believed.

Dorian it seemed had a more personal reason to reject his father's plan for the future. Despite his duty and his upbringing he had chosen to follow his heart, and not live a lie.

The lie being that he preferred to spend his time in the company of women, which was not his preference, a lie that the Magister had tried to force on his son, even going so far as wishing to attempt a blood spell, a spell that would rewrite Dorian's mind, to change him, heart and soul.

Ana's jaw almost hit the floor.

She…she was not quite sure what to say!

Dorian had never.

Oh…Oh Maker!

Color flooded her cheeks. She felt like a complete idiot for not seeing the truth sooner! She was also surprised to find that she felt a little hurt. Before she had started…well…before she and Cullen had started whatever it was they were doing now, she had had a bit of a crush on the Tevinter mage. They had flirted back and forth many times.

She had never realized that he preferred the company of other men; he had not done anything to suggest such a thing.

It was strange that she felt a sort of rejection, she cared about Cullen, make no mistake, but…at the same time she had like the idea of her and Dorian, the dream of it, even if that was all it was. Dorian was a friend that had not changed, even if her perception of him had shifted a little in the last few moments.

Whatever the reason, she pushed on ahead. She had come here for a reason, and nothing would deter her from it.

Dorian was her friend; she would not forsake him now.

On one hand, she could see his point; she understood what it was like to have the demands of noble family duty being forced down your throat. Mother loved her, she did not doubt that, but it was not so hard to imagine that, given the chance, mother might have been tempted to fix her youngest daughter.

Aliza Trevelyan had always had a difficult time with Ana. She was not like Lizzy or Andreas. If her mother had had the chance to…alter her. If she had had the ability to reshape her into the perfect noble daughter, she might have taken it. If only to try and ensure Ana's happiness, whether she wanted it or not.

Parents wanted what was best for their children, even if the children not agree with that choice. What Dorian's father wanted to do was extreme, far more extreme than anything Ana might have ever considered, but it was also clear by the pain in Lord Pavus' eyes that this was not simply about preserving his family dynasty. He cared about his son. Now it was just a matter of convincing Dorian.

It was not an easy challenge to be sure.

They were both noble men, and both stubborn as mules. The meeting had not ended in a tearful reunion, but it was clear that some progress had been made. Dorian was at least going to try and understand why his father had done what he had done, and Magister Pavus would at least try to accept his son's choices.

It would not be easy, that much was clear, but there was at least some hope there. There was at least a chance of reconciliation between father and son.

Ana hoped that it would be enough.

They left Redcliffe in silence. Ana was still blushing at that point; she was still not sure what to say, what she could say?

Dorian's expression remained…thoughtful. No doubt considering what he had heard, trying to make sense of his Father's motives here.

He glanced over at his friend the Inquisitor, his mouth twisted into a merry smile.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're very cute when you're embarrassed?"

Her blush intensified five-fold.

It seemed that they were back to the flirting; only now…she had no idea how to respond.

That only seemed to amuse him more. He chuckled lightly.

"You can talk to me, you know," he reminded her, "It is not like I'm any different than I was before we came here."

Ana let out a nervous laugh.

Maker save her, she felt so stupid!

"I…um…oh Maker, this is so stupid I don't mean to insult you Dorian, so please don't be," she said weakly, "It…it is just that I…I never saw…"

The Tevinter mage smirked.

"It is not something I choose to advertise you know," he said, "As I said back in Redcliffe, it is not like I walk around with a sign on my neck: Hello, My name is Dorian, and I like men."

Ana snorted, she did her best to meet her friend's eye. It was clear that he did not think less of her, if he did, he likely would not be teasing her so about this.

He certainly would not be taking such enjoyment from it.

The Inquisitor shook her head.

"I guess we won't be flirting back and forth from now on, will we?"

"Why not," Dorian shrugged, "It never hurts for a beautiful young woman to receive a compliment from and extremely refined and handsome young man. And besides, we can both enjoy watching all those women staring jealously at you. How could they not, especially when you have the attention and protection of someone as strong and virile?"

She gave him an impish look.

"I'm sure Cullen will appreciate the compliment."

Dorian gasped and clutched his heart.

"Oh the pain," he gasped, "The agony of your sharp tongue!"

she smirked and shook her head.

"You are such an ass," she snorted.

"True, but a really nice ass," he agreed, "Or so I've been told."

Despite everything, Ana giggled and smiled widely.

Seeing her smile, hearing her laugh made Dorian relax, his own smile was quite warm.

It seemed that they had broken through the awkward barrier. They were just Ana and Dorian again.

That was what was important to her.

She had feared that she would lose his respect on this journey. She was happy that was not so.

They were still them.

They were still friends.

That…was all that mattered.

IOI

Ana found herself standing outside the door to Cullen's office. A cold mountain breeze ruffled her hair, as she mustered her courage to walk through that door.

She took a deep breath and she swallowed hard.

It's okay Ana, she thought to herself.

You can do this.

Cassandra had suggested that she make this attempt. The Commander had reached the point where he thought it best that the Seeker choose a successor for him among the army. Cassandra disagreed, and that is what had caused the argument she had heard.

Ana frowned.

In this, she agreed more with Cassandra than Cullen. She knew about his lyrium addiction, and she knew that he was dealing with it, despite the pain.

She…she was proud of him, more proud than she was of anyone. He was one of the bravest men she had ever met.

Cassandra was right.

He gave himself far too little credit.

Now, here she stood, trying to think of just what she was going to say to him. How she was going to convince the man she loved that he was still needed, that he was strong enough to carry this burden.

Not an easy challenge, but really, what choice did she have.

If he will listen to anyone Ana, it will be you," the Seeker had said. She swallowed hard again.

She prayed to Andraste that her mentor was right.

She took one step towards the door, then two, until finally she stood right outside it. She thought about knocking, but in the end disregarded that thought. If Cullen did not respond, she would have a reason to just leave.

She did not intend to give him that reason.

She opened the door.

"RARRAH!"

She froze as a small box smashed against the wall to the left of her, its contents scattering across the floor.

Cullen looked up at her, he looked…well there was no way to deny it, he looked terrible, bags under his eyes, his skin was pale and he was sweating.

It was all she could do to stifle a gasp of shock.

He was standing behind his desk, his eyes wide, like a deer pinned by the gaze of a hunter.

"MAKER'S BREATH!" he gasped, "I…I did not hear you come in!"

She managed a weak smile; humor had always been her shield in the past.

She chose to hide behind it now.

"At…um…at least you missed."

Cullen looked away, his hands were shaking. He gripped the sides of his desk, trying to steady them.

"I…I'm…sorry," he panted, "I did not mean to…"

He tried to step out from behind the desk almost to have his legs almost give out. Ana started to rush to his side, but he raised a hand, stopping her. Still he refused to look her in the eye.

She winced at that.

Did he feel ashamed that she should see him like this?

He had no reason to be ashamed around her.

None.

Her eyes narrowed, she felt her courage rising, Cullen needed her help.

She would not forsake him now.

"Cullen," she murmured, "Talk to me, please."

A bitter laugh escaped his lips.

"You know I was in the Ferelden circle during the Blight?"

She nodded, yes she had heard that.

The Commander shook his head.

"It…it was overrun by abominations. My fellow Templars…my friends died around me. Sol…Good people…died in front of me. "

He snarled at the very memory of it.

"They kept me imprisoned, it…it felt like weeks, they tortured me, tried to break me, just because they could. I… I tried to stay strong, but…"

He went to the tiny window; he was shivering, despite the warm glow of the torches around him.

Ana looked at him with undisguised sympathy, she wished…wanted to do something, but she did not have the slightest idea what he needed right now.

"When…when I was freed," he continued, "I…I still wanted to serve, to be the man I was before Uldred's depravity. I did not realize how hard that would be. They…they sent me to Kirkwall, I trusted my Knight-Commander and for what?"

He barked out a hopeless laugh.

"Her fear of mages lead to madness, to innocent people dying in the streets. After that…after that…

He began to pace, his voice turning more and more shrill with each circuit.

How many people are counting on our success? How many lives are depending on us? I…argh…I swore myself to this cause! I swore that I would give no less here than I did during my years of service to the chantry! I owe it to them, to her, to all the people that have been lost.

He looked down at the ruined box on the floor, at the glowing blue fluid leaking out the side.

He shuddered at the very sight of it, he looked away.

"I should be taking it," he snarled.

He slammed his fist hard into the nearest bookcase; it shifted from the force of the blow. Cullen's gauntlet protected his hand, mostly.

He whimpered, if that was from pain or his memories of the past she could not say.

He leaned his head against the book case.

"I should be taking it," he murmured.

Ana had heard enough, she went to his side; she took his hand in hers. He blinked at the tenderness of her touch, and the fear and tears in her eyes.

"Is this what you want?" she asked him, "Is the lyrium what you truly want?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"No," he murmured, "But…but if I'm not strong enough, if I can't do this…I…I…"

She leaned forward, her lips met his.

Cullen tensed for a moment, but then, she felt him melt up against her, the cool armor against her silk shirt and breeches.

It…felt…good…better than good.

It felt safe. It felt like home.

She was not sure how long they stood there, holding each other, kissing deeply, but even that had to come to an end eventually.

He pulled away from her, finally needing air. He looked into her huge blue eyes, eyes that were both bright and dark at that same time.

Dark with passion.

"You can do this," she promised him, "You can."

He leaned his head against hers. He was still breathing heavily.

She could not deny that it was starting to excite her.

"I will try," he murmured, "For you…I will try."

She smiled.

There was her knight in shining armor.

There was the man she knew.

She kissed him again, then again. His hands began to drift over her body, she began to groan softly as they moved over her, exploring, teasing…

Somewhere deep inside her something growled something that longed to be released.

It is time, she thought, time to…

There was a knock at the door.

"Commander," a harsh voice said from outside, "Reports for you."

Cullen and Ana broke apart, neither of them was happy about it.

Ana suppressed a frustrated snarl.

Would there come a time when they would not be interrupted?

Was that so much to ask for?

Cullen answered the door; he seemed more in control than he had been when she had first entered.

He gave her a look.

"If you will excuse me Inquisitor," he said professionally, "Duty calls."

She frowned but nodded.

"Of course, Commander," she said curtly, "Until later."

She slipped out of his office and made her way back to the throne room, anger and frustration burning in her breast.

Andraste save me, she thought.

This war is really starting to piss me off!

She made her way to Josephine's office, hoping the ambassador had good news for her.

Despite what they wanted the war continued.

There was no escaping it, it was always there leaving them all gasping awkwardly for some kind of release.

Ana shook her head.

She intended to find that release, eventually.

She sighed heavily.

Someday.