Is this... an early update?

WELL YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASSES IT IS.

I was vacation in Istanbul over the weekend and then I came back slightly tired and pretty inspired.

I also finally got the blog up... sure it needs a bit of renovation but I wasn't THAT inspired -so calm your tits.

You can find it at the url: marysuegioh-tumblr-com (just replace the dashes with dots)

Have I ever told you guys how bad I was at taking rejection? I would sooner trip over my shoelaces and die again than see that look on Joey's face again, and just the thought made me want to march up to Marik and ask him to kill me again.

"My loneliness is killing me… and I… I must confess, I still believe…."

And yes, I was singing Hit Me Baby One More Time, and that's besides the point. The point is I didn't know what to do now that everyone hated me. I had made sure to take my backpack from Zorc, who was still keeping up that 'unconscious Bakura' act of his, so I had my stuff back at least -and two chocolate granola bars. You'd think I couldn't eat anymore after I had stuffed my face earlier, but you'd be wrong. I wasn't hungry really, but fuck that; my nerves were working overtime so I deserved those calories. Wouldn't you agree?

I sighed and wrapped my arms around my stomach, feeling the straps of my backpack digging into my shoulders. I hadn't eaten this much since before I died, so I was kinda hoping I had gotten over this lame nervous eating habit…

I had made my way over to the stairwell leading onto the top level of the blimp where the dueling arena was, hoping it would be empty. I could vaguely remember Seto Kaiba mentioning that there would be a recess between duels so his duel with Ishizu was still in an hour. I needed to be alone. I needed to breathe. Fresh air -that was what I needed. Somewhere I could listen to Britney Spears, cry, and eat like a glutton…

Fuck. I'm dead and I'm still worried about getting fatter.

I immediately felt a chilly breeze upon returning to the dueling arena, and for a moment, I regretted even coming up there. My legs were crying out from the harsh biting cold and I just knew I was going to get sick… Could dead people even get sick? Clearly, I wasn't your average dead person, and yet something told me that it would take more than a little bit of cold to bring me down.

There was a nice corner that seemed warmer than the rest of the corners and I huddled in it, with the light jacket I had packed for myself set down on the ground beneath me like a picnic blanket. I let out a slight shudder and shoved my earbuds tightly into my ears, turning up my ipod to the maximum volume, making sure I couldn't listen to myself move or breathe.

"Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know… Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go…"

I sniffled and dug through my bag for a tissue. Of course, it was just like me to forget to pack something as critical as tissues. I couldn't go back down though, because Ishizu and Sun were down there as well as everyone else. I couldn't face them just yet. I shut my eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing steadily.

In… One… Two… Three… Four…

Out… One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six….

I could almost feel the warmth returning to my bones as I sat there, inhaling and exhaling. The same song playing on repeat and I could barely even focus on the words, just the swift beat of the drums in tune with the rapid thudding of my heart.

Mom… Dad… I wondered how they must have reacted to my death. I was their only child… Could you imagine almost eighteen years of raising someone only to have them taken away? They were supposed to watch me graduate and send me off to college and I took that all away from them. They loved me so fucking much and then I went and kicked the bucket in the clumsiest most disrespectful way. They weren't supposed to outlive me. How could I have been so stupid?

My breathing rhythm was ruined now, my heart racing and and my vision blurry. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I hissed, trying to stop my shoulders from shuddering violently. I never learned either. I was still making stupid mistakes. At least if I died again there would be nobody to miss me. "Save the fucking world?" I mumbled, recalling some of Marik's first words to me. He was a liar -a big fucking liar and I shouldn't have trusted him. Save the world? How could I have been so gullible? I couldn't even save myself.

Maybe I killed Viola for nothing… I was already dead… I should have let her take me down. It would have made things better for everyone.

Like a sharp slap to the face, my left earbud was torn away from my ears and I was cruelly thrust back into real life -or at least the only thing that felt real. Real life is when you can't wake up, right? Yet for some bizarre reason, my real life was stranger than fiction, a dream that went on and on forever. I didn't like 'strange', though; I liked my old life. I wanted to go back so badly, but you can't come back from the dead; that's just not how it works…

"Such grim thoughts…" a voice chimed in, making me choke on my sobs and shoot my head to the side. "And to the tune of…" He paused and cocked his blond head to the side. "Nineties pop music?"

I pulled my shoulders into myself, trying my best to shrink into the corner and inch away from him. "Get away from me, Marik."

"Malik."

"Come again?" I asked exasperatedly, trying to wipe my tears away on the fabric of my sleeve, a move which proved to be a lot of anxious fidgeting since my shirt had short sleeves.

"I'm Malik… not Marik," he told me with a sigh, sticking his hands in his pockets and pulling out a wad of tissues after some searching. "You look like you need these."

With a scowl, I snatched them from him and frantically wiped my face and nose, soaking them really nicely before handing them back to Marik… Malik… Like I gave two shits what that assdick's real name was. "What the fuck ever," I mumbled, my voice still nasally from all the snot in my nose.

I heard him sigh deeply and then, slowly and insistently, he told me, "No, it's not 'whatever'. You need to know that it wasn't me that did those things."

Liar, liar, pants on fire…

"I- I mean it. I didn't duel Mai. That wasn't me."

"I literally watched you do that," I told him exasperatedly. I was so tired of all of his fucking bullshit. "I watched you duel Mai. I watched you send her to wherever the fuck you sent her. You don't get to back out of this." My voice sounded whiny and I swear to whatever god you believe in that it wasn't on purpose, but I couldn't level it however hard I tried.

"Lorna, I'm not the only one in here -in this body. I'm not the only one and you know that I'm not the only one in this body," he urged. "You remember watching this, don't you? At least a little bit?"

"It's not a fucking TV show, Marik -Malik -" God dammit! Why was I even correcting myself for this creep.

"It is!" he cried. "It's always been a TV show."

"Well, if it is then you're a character!" I exclaimed over the sound of the wind building up. I had a bad feeling…

"That's the thing, Lorna! I'm not. I'm not a character. I don't know why you all got bodies and I didn't, but I'm not from here and that's the truth; I promise!" His face looked extremely pale even in the darkness, and his brow was furrowed in frustration and I'm sure I looked exactly the same. When I didn't say anything, he continued. "I'll tell you everything," he told me more calmly, but the tension in his voice was still there. "The truth this time. I need… I need you to trust me, Lorna."

There was that word again… trust. Why was he so fixated on it? "Why do you need my trust? And why do you think you even have the privilege for that matter? I may be naive, but even I have my limits," I spat out, making the air between us even icier; icy enough to freeze his dumb face off, I hoped.

"Because you need me, too," he explained simply. "I was the first one of us to die and the first one to get here. I've gone up and down the Inbetween, looking for answers and I don't know how this all works exactly, but if you trust me, I'll make sure you make it out of this in one piece."

I snorted and leaned my head away from him, against the cold aluminium railing of the arena. "I'm already dead. Does it get worse?"

"It does…" he said softly. "I can explain everything, just come back inside with me."

I groaned in annoyance, running a hand down my wet face and trying to weigh my options. On one hand, I did need answers (whether or not I could trust this Malik was moot, because he was the only one willing to give them to me). On the other hand, walking out that door with him meant that all of my friends' fears were true and I was allied with the bad guys, and for whatever reason, I wanted to be allied with Yugi. I wanted my adventures to be their adventures and I wanted to feel like I would be okay no matter what, because Yugi solved everything. However, Yugi couldn't solve this; it was my problem and everyone had made that glaringly clear.

"She's not going anywhere with you."

My dilemma was solved by one smooth voice, cutting through the tension and the cold like a steak-knife on butter, and whether or not she was a godsend would be something I would have to ask myself later, but for now, all I could do was stare. Sun looked every bit the goddess I took her for upon my first glance at her hours ago, standing at the door with a dull light that looked incredibly bright when it hit my eyes, her hair and the back of her olive green asymmetrical skirt billowing around her long legs.

"Oh, well, that's rich coming from you." Malik sneered at her. "At least I didn't drug her. You have the nerve to try at tell her what she can and can't do?"

"No, I'm telling you, Malik. Back the fuck away from her or I'll make you."

I got to my feet abruptly, not even bothering with my stuff lying on the ground. "I don't trust either of you, so you can stop acting like there's a choice here," I announced, making sure to give both of them the dirty eye. "Do you think just because my friends are upset with me that I'm free to just find new friends. Do you think I'm just some toy that's suddenly available now that my friends don't want to talk to me? Am I that incompetent that you all want to drag me around like a little kid? That you think you're even capable of manipulating and making me do whatever you want?"

Malik seemed to be at a loss for words, but Sun took it upon herself to reply, by crossing her arms and calling out, "But you are a little kid, Lorna. You know nothing -understand nothing. Whether you like it or not, eventually your path won't be linked to Yugi's path anymore… And then what? Are you just going to wander around aimlessly until you figure it out? You'll end up worse than dead like that. Do you even know what happens when you die in the Inbetween?" She paused for effect, but didn't wait for my answer. "You stop existing. You don't get to go to the afterlife and see your family and friends… you just fade away. Even in your universe, your memory slowly fades into nothing. Even your parents won't care about the daughter they lost anymore."

Every word that passed through her lips filled me up with dread and sent my heart spiralling into red alert. I didn't want to hear this… I had to hear it though. I needed to.

"You need someone to help you, Lorna," she continued. "Apologies don't come easy to me… but I'm sorry for how I treated you before. I did that for your own good. You could barely walk when Zephyr brought you to me, and as dangerous as it is, being in the Inbetween heals you…somehow…"

My entire body felt cold, taking in her words silently and running them through my mind, processing them. I felt lost again, uncertain and afraid. She was right, but I didn't want her to be.

"Lorna," she said, her voice decidedly less scary than before. This time, she was the one who sounded uncertain. "Can you tell me how long it's been… since you took your anti-depressants?" She sounded almost like my mom then…

"Your father and I are worried, Lor'" she told me -or rather told my back. I was sitting at my laptop, trying to watch anime and she was kinda cramping my style, y'know. "You haven't been taking your medication… Your teacher called today, too…"

Honestly, the antidepressants were really just for show. There was nothing wrong with me. That therapist was a crock who probably got paid by the pharmaceutical company for every prescription he wrote. I had social anxiety, sure, but it wasn't that severe; and still this pisshead decided to prescribe antidepressants and they were pissing me off -I didn't like them. I took them for a while, but I didn't feel any different so I stopped. It wasn't a big deal.

"You've been spending your entire third period in the bathroom… I thought you didn't do that anymore, Lorna…" she continued, her voice sounding more and more frustrated by the minute. "Lorna, talk to me."

Well, maybe it was sort of a big deal… not big, per se… maybe a mediocre deal, like a small deal. Like it was something that just happened and something that wouldn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

… okay so maybe the teacher caught me dozing off and I was so embarrassed I decided to never show my face in class for at least a few weeks. Hiding in the bathroom was my ideal situation for everything. And it wasn't a big deal.

"Lorna, show me your arm," she ordered firmly.

I rubbed my arm over the fabric of my hoodie, feeling the texture of my arm underneath. Not a big deal. Not a big deal. It would just heal and go away. I didn't need her harking about it every few seconds. I was fine. "I'm fine."

"If you're fine. Show. Me. Your. Arm." She stormed up to me and pulled up my sleeve, revealing my tan arm with red bumps and blisters all over.

"Mom, stop!" I cried out, yanking my arm away and pulling my sleeve down again.

"You're hurting yourself again," she remarked quietly.

Hurting. It wasn't really hurting… it was just a bad habit… I didn't exactly know how it started, but every time I felt nervous or afraid, I would dig my nails into my skin and scratch them. My parents used to force me to cut my nails to stop me, but you know what they say -where there's a will there's a way. However this was less like a 'will' and more like an 'impulse'. I needed to do it. I didn't know why, but I needed to. I stopped myself whenever I could, but school was stressing me out. I needed to do it.

"I'm fine!" I insisted. "I don't need that dumb medicine."

"That's not for you to decide! If you think you don't need it, then let's go to Dr. Freeman and tell him. You don't just stop taking medication on your own!"

"No, no, no!" I cried out, feeling terror well up in my chest at the thought of going back to see the doctor. If he found out I didn't do what he told me… if he found out… He would be so upset. "We can just stop going to see him. I don't need a therapist anyway…" My voice shook when I said that. Dammit.

She let out one of those long sighs that made me want to curl up into a ball and scream until my throat hurt. "You haven't been going to your dance class either. If you don't want to go to your dance classes, tell me and we'll stop paying for them," she scolded.

I bit my lip and reached into my sleeve to scratch at the already bruised and scarred arm, releasing my frustration. My eyes were tearing up. "I like dance classes." It felt like a lie, but it was the only truth I had.

"Then why aren't you going?"

I couldn't tell her it was the roll of my stomach when my shirt rode up my abdomen, nor could I tell her it was the fat in my arms flapping to the rhythm of the music, so disgustingly conspicuous that I couldn't even make eye contact with the dance instructor without feeling my eyeballs cringe into their sockets. All the other girls were so lithe and pretty… Only pretty girls could be dancers… I wasn't pretty… I was plain and I dreamt too high and fell on my big ass too hard…

It wasn't like I ever practiced at home, so maybe I would be better off quitting; and even though it was my childhood dream, giving into nothingness felt so comfortable, like nothingness was where I belonged. Everything would be okay if I just stayed in my room and never left it ever for as long as I lived.

It's funny how true that statement would be, however… seeing as the next time I left my room after that, I died. Life's funny… even funnier when you die, apparently.

"How long has it been, Lorna?" Sun asked again, drawing me back into the moment with her voice, even more demanding now.

"Two weeks," I confessed, feeling the truth coerced out of me by her intense eyes. Like a dog to an old master, I felt my left hand creeping down my right arm. Dying left my body like a blank slate, a clean canvas. I didn't feel the impulse so greatly until that moment right then. Her eyes were like a noose around my neck and I died again for every second that she bore them into my head. I wrapped my hand around my wrist tightly. No; I was fine. I was still fine. I didn't need to fix myself or take any medicine. I wasn't sick anymore. I was fine.

Her eyes left me for one refreshing moment to glare at Malik. "She's in withdrawal…" I didn't know why she felt the need to tell him that, but perhaps, somewhere out of my visual range, there was a confused look on his face as he watched our exchange in silence. He hadn't left yet, which meant that he wanted to know how this would end. As for me, I just wanted it to end. I didn't need a fucking intervention -least of all from them.

"I'm not," I told her, my voice sounding completely unconvinced with itself.

Sun frowned and took a short step towards me, causing me to take a hasty leap back, nearly tripping over my own feet in the process. "I'm not going to hurt you," she told me softly.

"I- I know… I'm just… g-getting my things," I told her, dropping to the ground and gathering my belongings, stuffing them into my backpack. "I have to go," I added, rushing past Malik and nearly colliding with Sun as I made my way out of the arena. I needed space. Too many people. Too many words. Too much tension. It was all building in my head and weighing on my heart.

Jogging down the stairs, I almost bumped into someone else, and in the briefest of glances, my eyes met Ishizu's. What was she going to do up there? Well, I wasn't going to stick around and find out. Her duel was up next, right? Maybe it was time for the game to start. At any rate, I still had to get out of there before either Sun or Malik decided to pursue me. I had a feeling they were going to stay away, but it didn't hurt to put as much distance as possible between us.

Feeling an immediate rush of safety and peace of mind as soon as I saw the light of the lounge flood into my eyes, I didn't even predict that I would run into yet another person. We slammed into each other and I felt two strong hands prevent me from bouncing back and falling onto my ass. Right after that, the only things in my sight were a pair of bright green eyes and a brow tightened with concern. Having anticipated the worst, it was a relief to identify the owner of those eyes as Duke.

After steadying me, the two hands retreated and we stepped away from each other. "S-Sorry," I murmured, averting my eyes away from his. "I- I-" I stammered, my lips flapping like papers in the wind, trying to come up with a plausible excuse.

"It's okay," he told me, ruffling my hair. "We've been looking for you," he informed me with a warm smile. "Everyone was worried about you when you ran away."

I stared at him in disbelief. "Why would they do that? I ruined everything."

"Well," he began, letting the word draw out, "Joey's still kind of mad, but he wants to give you a chance to explain yourself."

I lowered my gaze at the bag pressed against my chest. "There's nothing to explain. He knows everything, and I don't deserve his forgiveness."

He clicked his tongue and then exhaled. "You don't exactly look guilty to me. I'd say you're worth a second chance at the very least." I felt my heart skip a beat and my breaths get heavier in my chest at his words.

I let out a half-hearted chuckle and forced myself to look back at his face. "Easy for you to say. I didn't lie to you."

His lips spread in a lopsided grin. "That's good to know." You know… Duke was kinda cute when he wasn't relentlessly flirting with Serenity… Not that I thought he was exceptionally cute or anything -just like… objectively speaking… he was cute. Y'know… kinda pleasant to look at, too -objectively speaking.

Don't look at me like that. God, I didn't want to know how red my face was.

"And what am I? Chopped liver?" an annoyed voice called out from behind Duke. Had Tristan been standing there that entire time? "Stop trying to make her blush, asshole, and let's get her back before Téa explodes with worry."

"Tristan?" My voice began to shake and the quiver in my lip came back when I saw the relaxed look on his face.

"Aw, jeez, Lor'" he said, his face drooping. "Now I'm gonna cry. Get over here, you knucklehead." He opened his arms wide and I almost dropped my bag rushing over to him. I couldn't wrap my arms around him, so I settled for resting my head against his chest and letting him close his arms around me. "We don't hate you, dummy. I can't believe you actually thought that," he said into my ear. Pulling me away from him he freed one of his hands to rub his nose and smile. "I oughta punch Joey in the mouth. You know just because he's mad at you doesn't mean he hates you either."

My face was really red now; I was sure of it. I didn't know whether it was because I was embarrassed or because I was about to start crying again, but Duke made sure to get in a cheeky remark about it. "Now who's trying to make her blush."

Tristan only chuckled in reply. "Well, let's get you back to everyone else. And make sure you're smiling when you get there, got it?" he mock scolded and I couldn't help but turn a deeper red while nodding my head.

"I'll try."

"Atta girl," he praised with a thumbs up and a reassuring slap on my shoulder.

Okay… so maybe I overreacted just a teeny bit and they didn't hate me… Or maybe they did hate me but didn't want to be asses about it, but either way, I could feel the choking sensation, the vice grip on my lungs and heart, starting to ease.

So Malik's back by (un)popular demand.

And there you go. Because I do love me some Tristan and Duke. I am 100% unashamed of my undying love for those two dicks.

Make sure you check out the blog :D It's finally up and running since you all seemed to think it was a good idea. The best part is that you don't even need an account to hit me up in the blog's ask box -all you need a computer. (sorry mobile users)

Also before I forget, just a warning that the next chapter is a third person chapter called "Nox II" :)) it will shock and amaze you because I enjoy shocking and amazing people