AN: It's not a journal entry to start with but it is Ruth dealing with her thoughts in her head; or trying to at least. Because I don't think everything can be fluffy little bunnies and smiles in their relationship even if that was my initial plan with this story after all that happened in Writers Block. Instead it seems to be starting out on a more heavy note. Ruth is definitely going to have some self doubt and fear when it comes to Harry and her feelings. But it does get lighter at the end.
Sitting in the passenger seat of his SUV for the third time that day, Ruth wondered where they were heading now. They'd gotten home from the tree farm a bit after noon and had taken the time to get the tree settled in the corner of the front room. Knowing it needed to sit and drink the water for at least a few hours before they could decorate it, she had planned on heading to the market to do the grocery shopping and to really think on what Harry had told her during their sleigh ride. After his little speech about how he envisioned the next few months of their relationship, he'd refused to let her discuss it with him. Not because he didn't want to hear her feelings on the topic but because he'd rather she take some time and think about what he had said, to think about what she really wanted and if a relationship with him was something she wanted.
The last bit she didn't have to think about, even if her feelings and thoughts were all over the place. She knew she wanted a relationship with him but she was scared. Not that he'd turn into another Peter or that he'd be like her other past relationships but because a relationship with him would be different. Already he made her feel things that she hadn't experienced in the past and they'd not even gone on a date or slept together; what would a full relationship be like? And what would happen to her when he got bored and moved on? As she'd been told in the past, she was a tad frigid, even more prude and all together entirely too Regent in her mannerisms and views on relationships. Which is why no serious relationship in the past had last for more than a few months and most dates ended after the first. It wasn't that she disliked romance or affection; in all honesty, she loved it but she was more reserved in how and with whom she expressed her feelings with.
Most men in her limited experience with them didn't want to take the time that she needed in order for her to be more open with her feelings; not when there were so many woman out there willing to throw themselves in head first and damn the consequences. There were times she felt like she had been born in the wrong era when it came to relationships and sex. Oh she wasn't so naive to think that casual sex and such was a new phenomena but it would have been so much easier for her to live in an era when being reserved wasn't such a down fall. She wasn't against sex; not at all; and had enjoyed the few romances she'd had that had progressed to that stage. But for her, sex wasn't just something to engage in randomly. For her, feelings were involved and it was always hers that were trampled.
That was perhaps the most worrisome aspect of having a relationship with Harry. Well, aside from his children. That was a whole other area that scared her. But not as much the implications and mechanics behind having a full, real relationship with Harry. She'd read his file when she first started in Section D, wanting to know as much as she could about the people she would be working with and more importantly, the man who would be her boss. Not only was he a world class spy; well traveled and both University and self-educated; but he also had a way with woman and had had more than his fair share of relationships with the fairer sex.
Of all the names of his past conquests that had made his personal file, none were quite like her. In fact, if she was honest with herself, the ones she had looked up had been about as opposite of her as you could get. Tall, blonde and athletic with a sense of fashion, outgoing personalities, comfortable in their sexuality and sophistication that made her feel like a country bumpkin. Even his ex-wife fit into that category. The only thing in common she had with all was intelligence and as she'd been told by so many men before, that was actually a turn off. So how could she ever expect to keep the attention and affection of a man who had grown to all intents grown bored with the women in his past and moved on? If anything, he'd probably get bored faster and she'd be heartbroken all over again. Only this time it would be a thousand times worse.
She already knew she had fallen in love with him; had had the unfortunate luck of falling in love with him within a few months of starting in Section D, but she had learned to cope with seeing him every day. Had learned to deal with trying to keep the feelings she had coursing through her at bay even if she did get a bit giddy when he'd look at her or their hands would accidentally brush against each other. It'd been difficult but she'd done it. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought he'd look at her but then, four months ago, he'd been about the ask her out and while the butterflies in her stomach had twisted into knots, the romantic in her had been doing a happy dance. And then Juliet had called.
So many times over the past months she had relived what she had seen and more so in the past month. Living in his house, walking through that entry way every day had been hard. She had an active imagination and she could take that image of him pushing her against the hall wall and expand upon it until her insides were twisted up. Then the thoughts would turn to him taking that woman upstairs to his bedroom and spending the rest of the night having sex, the sheets of his bed wrapped around them as they moved in ecstasy. The first week she'd been there she avoided the front hall as much as humanly possible and she'd refused to even look in the direction of his bedroom. Harry was more in tune with her thoughts then she had realized because it hadn't taken him long to figure out what was going through her mind.
And they'd had a frank discussion about what she had seen. Or rather he had talked and she had blushed and tried to look anywhere but at him. At first, she had almost begged him not to tell her about that night but her voice had failed her. She hadn't realized that he had known she had been there outside at some point but he had known she had shown up there and seen something. After coaxing out of her the when and why she'd been there, he'd forced her to listen to him as he explained everything. About his growing feelings for her and his desire to ask her out on a real date to explore those feelings and to see if there was any chance she could feel the same way. Then his disappointment in the interruption that had dragged him away before he could take that step forward and the realization that his job would always have to come first.
She had tried to tell him that that was enough, that she didn't need to know anymore but he'd kept going. He'd told her about the long meeting with the DG, about drinking entirely too much whiskey and the need to release long pent up frustrations that came with his job. Juliet had been a release for him, a quick fuck that he knew would be over quickly with no awkward questions asked later or for any nicety and need with attachments. Neither one cared for the other, had never truly cared for one another even during their affair and he'd pointed out had she waited twenty minutes, she would have seen Juliet leaving. Not that he expected her to sit outside his house waiting for that to end. He wasn't looking for any kind of absolution in his actions but had needed her to know that it meant nothing to him. Actually, he had been a bit put out when she had insisted that she had no right to an opinion of what he did in his spare time or who he slept with. She was just his Senior Analyst after all. He'd told her softly that her opinion was the only one that mattered and that she'd never just be his Senior Analyst before leaving her alone.
Walking through that hall had been a bit easier for her after that. She'd never admit it to him but she was relieved to know that it hadn't been a rekindling of their long affair of the past. It had helped her deal with what she'd seen and the feelings she had inside even though she had been honest when she'd told him it wasn't her place to hold any kind of opinion. But the thoughts of that night and his past relationships were helping to fuel her self doubt and the knowledge that he'd quickly grow bored with her. He was a sexual man and she knew she'd never be able to fulfill him and keep him satisfied enough for a long term relationship to work. He was sitting there talking about wanting to marry her but could she cope with him sleeping with other women to satisfy his needs to compensate for her short falls. Would he love her enough to want her in his life while all the while maintaining discreet affairs?
Or could she walk away after he had found out about her short comings when it came to relationships and sex and still maintain some kind of work relationship with him? She loved her job and she didn't want to lose her place in Section D because she couldn't handle seeing him every day and controlling the jealousy of when he did have another woman in his life. She'd been able to do it in the past but at the time, she thought it was reciprocated love she was dealing with. Ruth knew Harry well enough that as long as it didn't affect their every day work, he'd never transfer her out of the department or ask her to leave. She didn't have any answers and she was terrified of everything that would happen in the long term aspect of their relationship but she also wanted a chance to love him, to experience her one chance of being with the man she knew she'd love forever. Even though she wasn't naive enough to think it'd last forever.
Harry turned the car into an empty parking spot and switched off the engine. Looking over at Ruth in the passenger seat, he frowned. The entire ride over she'd been quiet, starring out the window as they'd driven through the city and yet he knew she hadn't seen a single thing. Nor had she asked where they were going after her initial inquiry. Completely un-Ruth like. He was worried, especially after his little speech on their sleigh ride earlier, that she was going to run away from him. Even if he knew she felt for him what he felt for her. Truth be told, he was more than a little scared that he had pushed things too far too fast and she was going to leave him, leave Section D, and run far, far away.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, almost afraid of her answer.
"Hmmm." Broken out of her thoughts by his question, she turned and met his eyes. Seeing something in his hazel eyes that she was unable to identify, she wondered what was going on in his mind. "I'm sorry, I was off in Neverland. What did you say?"
"We're here." Deciding he didn't want to risk anything right now, he took the cowardly way out and changed topics. Reaching down to his buckle, he undid the belt and waited for her to move.
"Where's here?" she asked, undoing her seat-belt as she looked around. Seeing the familiar building in front of her, she frowned a little. "Somerset House? What are we doing here?"
"Well..." he paused, not knowing how to answer. In a bit to gain more time, he reached for the door handle and opened the door. Stepping out into the frigid air, he waited for her to do the same. As she made her way around the car to stand by him, he noted she looked around and took in the crowds of people. Before she had time to question again he grabbed her bare hand and started leading her towards the courtyard of the building, weaving his way around the people gathered.
As they reached the destination he had planned, realization set in. Stopping next to him at the side of the rink she took in the Christmas Carol's playing, the lights all around the glowing ice and the people skating past either by themselves, holding hands or in groups. Looking up at him in utter disbelief, she met his questioning eyes.
"Ice Skating?" she asked, shocked at the thought that the Harry Pearce had brought her to an ice skating rink.
Unsure of himself now, Harry nodded and fumbled with his words. "I was...that is...I've never...I mean...I've wanted to try to since they opened this a few years ago and 5 did the security assessment but it seemed like something one never does alone and there's no one else I've wanted to ask to come. And I was hoping that you'd be up for doing it with me. Ice skating that is. We don't have to if you don't want to. I should have asked before bringing you all the way here." God could he sound any more pathetic?
Her hand still gripped in his, she turned to look back at the ice, at the people breezing past, laughing and enjoying themselves and felt something bubble up inside of her. How could she not grasp this chance at happiness with him? He was offering her her idea of the world and God help her, she was going to take it no matter how long it lasted. Thinking back on the day, she realized that she'd never had as much fun with someone or felt as relaxed as she did with Harry. And no one had ever had the foresight to take her on a sleigh ride through the country side; that'd been very Austen like. The morning couldn't have been better, even if they had fought over the right Christmas tree. Now he wanted to go ice skating. Together. In public.
Taking her silence as confirmation that this was something she didn't want to do he started to reach into his pocket for the car keys. She'd said something about the market earlier when he'd been planning this little venture so they'd just head there then home. Where he could shut himself away in his office for the rest of the evening until he got his feelings in order and the disappointment was less likely to shine through. Her quiet voice broke the silence.
"I haven't done this since before my dad died. Which means I'll probably fall all over the ice and drag you down more than a few times but I'd love to do this. Ice skate. With you. If you're sure you want to do this?"
Feeling a smile grace his face at her words, he let go of the keys he'd picked up moments before and squeezed her hand tightly in his. "It's been a few years since I've done this myself but I promise not to let you fall onto the ice."
Turning to look at him again, she beamed as she met his eyes. "I thought you didn't make promises you couldn't keep."
Stepping away from the railing, he led her through the crowd towards the skate rental. "I don't." was all he said.
Twenty minutes later they were making their way onto the ice, both more than a bit wobbly on the thin blades. As they neared the entrance, Harry shed his leather gloves and tucked them into his pocket. Tentatively placing a skate onto the smooth surface, he prayed to whatever God would listen that he wouldn't fall onto his face in front of Ruth. As he found his balance, he breathed a sigh of relief and turned to look at the woman standing nervously behind him. Reaching out a hand, he felt her grip it and step slowly onto the ice. As both her skates settled onto the glistening surface, she wobbled a little and gripped his other arm with her free hand. Taking a moment to find her footing she stood up straight and met his eyes, her smile lighting them to a hue of blue he'd never seen before. Suddenly he knew that no matter how much of a fool he made of himself tonight, it was worth it.
Letting go of his hand, Ruth turned and started to move down the ice. Her movements were more than a little awkward and she'd only managed to go five feet before she felt herself slipping. Gasping slightly she prepared to meet the cold surface only to feel a strong pair of arms circling her waist from behind. The staid like that for a moment before gravity and the slippery surface of the ice took over and both wound up falling over; Ruth landing unceremoniously on top of Harry, his arms still tightly wrapped around her from behind.
Twisting in his arms until she faced him, she tried to sit up only to find herself held firmly in place. "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Smiling at her from his back, he answered as others skated around them. "Yes, are you?"
"Yes. I'm so sorry. I warned you I wouldn't stay up long."
"And I promised you I wouldn't let you fall onto the ice."
Looking down at him she realized he was right, he hadn't let her fall onto the ice. Instead of he had wrapped himself around her and they'd gone down together. And suddenly she realized there was only one thing she could do. Wanted to do. Grinning like a loon, she leaned down and pressed her lips against his softly. It wasn't a long or passionate kiss; her lips had barely met his before she was pulling back but it meant so much to him; it was the first time she'd ever taken the initiative and kissed him first. Watching as she struggled to work herself free, he moved his arms and sat up, a grin filling his face too. Slowly finding his footing, he pulled himself from the ice and reached a hand down to help her up.
"Thank you." she said, a blush covering her face both at having fallen and at having kissed him on the ice. Reaching a hand out, she brushed the dusting of snow and ice he'd picked up off his shoulders before meeting his eyes.
"You're welcome." Taking her hand in his, he laced their fingers together and tucked them into his coat pocket to keep warm, drawing her to his side as they slowly started making their way down the ice together.
They skated like that for an hour; hand in hand as they laughed and talked about anything that came to mind except work. Harry couldn't remember the last time he had felt so relaxed or had such a good time or opened up with anyone. Maybe when he was younger, when his mother and brother had still been alive and they'd done things like this as a family. Even with Jane he'd held a part of himself back, realizing that if she knew the real man behind the carefully constructed walls he had built, she'd probably leave. But with Ruth, he didn't have that worry. She knew how limited he could be, knew the type of man he could be, and she was still here.
He smiled as he thought of the sleigh ride they'd taken earlier. He'd never done that with Jane though at first he'd wanted too. Once he had suggested it when they'd been dating a few months and she had balked at him. Insisted they do something more fun and warmer - like dancing. He hadn't asked again and over the years, he'd never found someone he had wanted to share that experience with. Nor had he ever gone to the tree farm with anyone. Jane had been content to find their Christmas Tree at one of those lots in town, not wanting to take the time to drive so far out of London for something they could find there. But he'd known that Ruth would enjoy the tree farm and all there was to offer. He'd found it some years back on the way to meet an asset and had taken the time come the Christmas season to venture out. Since then, if time allowed, he had made his way out there to pick his Christmas tree; sometimes with Scarlet, sometimes alone.
Shivering as a strong breeze blew through the air, Harry stopped in his thoughts and looked around. The snow from earlier in the day had come back and was falling heavier than it had been before. Already the crowds were thinning in search of a warmer place even if the rink was opened for hours yet. Glancing at his skating partner, he took in her red ears and rosy cheeks and felt bad at having kept her outside so long. Pulling them to the side, they stopped and she looked up at him.
"Harry?" she asked, wondering why he'd stopped them. Ice skating had been so much fun once she'd found her balance and she wished that the night didn't have to end.
Letting go of her hand, he undid his scarf and wrapped it carefully around her neck, tucking the warm material against her cold skin. Lifting a hand, he brushed the snow that had accumulated in her hair off and smiled at her. "What do you think about stopping now to get something warm to eat in a little bistro I know and then doing the shopping before heading home? It's starting to snow harder and I'd rather not turn to a popsicle tonight."
Laughing at his joke, she blew out a breath and looked around, watching the people skate by for a minute before answering. "I think that's a great idea."
Reaching for her hand, he smiled and started to lead her off the ice. A thought popped into her head as she realized this was the perfect time to do what she had decided to do. Digging her heels in, she pulled back on his hand, watching as he stopped moving and turned to look at her, a puzzled look on his face.
"Ruth?"
Tightening her grip on his fingers, she looked down at their joined hands for a moment before meeting his eyes. If she didn't do this now, she didn't know when she'd have the courage to do it again. It was time to take a chance and leap. "I'm scared." she said softly, brushing her thumb across the top of his hand. "I'm scared of what'll happen when you've decided you've had enough of all I can offer to a relationship and leave me; move on to someone who can give you all that you want. But I'm going to be selfish and greedy and take all I can until that happens and you ask me to leave. I don't want to leave your house; I want to stay with you; and I do want a relationship with you." Shaking slightly, she skated forward, moving the last few inches it took until she was pressing slightly against him. Lifting her free hand, she rested it on his cheek and leaned up until she could press her mouth against his, her eyes slipping closed as she sighed at the contact.
Letting go of her hand, Harry slid an arm around her waist and pulled her closer, his other hand sliding into her hair as he took advantage of her open mouth, the cold momentarily forgotten as he poured all the love he could into the kiss. She was worried he was going to leave her for someone else and he couldn't blame her with his past. But he'd grown up, learned from all his past mistakes, and he'd prove to her that she was all he wanted. And it looked like he had the rest of their lives to do it since she just admitted she wasn't leaving until he asked her too. Like that was bloody going to happen. As the need for oxygen became overwhelming, he pulled his mouth away and let his forehead press down into hers, his breath coming in shallow gulps as he watched her eyes flutter open.
Smiling at her, he pressed a light kiss onto her lips and pulled back, his hand finding his way into hers again. "Let's go find something to eat."
"Okay." she said, smiling as she pressed herself into his side.
As they neared the exit, Harry looked down at the top of her head and smiled. "And Ruth - thank you for giving us a chance."
AN2: First of all - thanks to HR always live on for not only the idea of Harry taking Ruth ice skating but also for providing me with a location for him to do so! It was the perfect setup for her to make her decission. =0) Secondly - thank you everyone for your reviews on the last chapter.