A/N: We're back in Kate's POV for the majority of this chapter. I'm flying beta-less on the next few chapters as my lovely beta is currently busy, so all mistakes are my own.! Thank you so much for your continued support, I heart each and every one of you!

Shout out to Jill for picking up on the 'Friends' parallel in the last chapter! :)

As for the negative guest reviewers, I'm going to put it point blank. If you want a voice, log in, because if you want a right to voice what you don't like, I deserve a chance to defend why I wrote it. If you're just leaving unnecessary hate, you can take it elsewhere. I detest bullying.

One more thing. By now you've probably seen the #ThankYouTerri tag floating around. As you're aware of, Terri Edda Miller has poured her heart and soul into writing several of our beloved Castle episodes. A group of us decided that we wanted to thank not only her, but the entire Castle team for their devotion, hard work and time in creating the show we all love. The Young Storytellers Foundation is a wonderful program geared towards encouraging the artistic talents of children. It's a charity that's close to Terri's heart and to thank her and the Castle team we're giving back. Find me on twitter (xx00Meg00XX) and check out what we're doing and join us in giving back! The link is also in my profile! Thank you! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor do I claim any ownership over the characters or episodes.

My Mistakes

"The silence isn't so bad,

Till I look at my hand and feel sad.

The spaces between my fingers were once occupied,

I believe through faith,

That one day they will be filled again."

-Owl City

Kate wakes to a sea of darkness and for the long minute that it takes her memory to catch up with reality, she panics at the warm body that's pressed to her back. She tilts her head back to see the soft features of Castle's sleeping face illuminated by the pale light of the moon. Oh, it's all coming back to her now. She got off the plane. She's in his loft, in 'their' bed. They still have a long ways to go, but the fact that he allowed her to sleep beside him says more about what he wants than anything else.

He must have shifted closer to her in the middle of the night, seeking the warmth that they'd both been denied for the past three weeks. She shifts forward and then rolls onto her other side, propping herself up on her elbow so that she can get a better view of him. He looks peaceful and she wonders if it's the first time he's slept so soundly since the night of their big fight, because it's the first night she has, until now. Suddenly, the need to talk to him and try to fix things between them is too great and she can't stand to wait any longer. There's so much she needs to say to him and she needs to say it now.

She's slightly hesitant on waking him up but when she turns to find a pair of wide eyes staring back at her, it seems that he's thinking the same thing she is. Even in the darkness of the room the sea of blue is piercing.

Despite the wideness of his eyes his voice is still laden with sleep when he speaks. "Kate, what are you doing awake?"

Her skin prickles with goose bumps and she pulls the sheet tighter around her. "I'm sorry, Castle, I just—too much on my mind."

He nods in understanding but his next question is not at all what she was expecting. "Do you have to catch another flight today?"

"What? No, no I don't—well actually, I don't have another flight."

Shit. She did not want to have this particular conversation at, she glances at the clock beside him, four a.m.—no this is definitely not the right topic to be on this early. There's so much more they need to discuss before they get to her reason for not having another flight.

"Do you need to use my laptop to book another one? You know where it is if you do."

She sits up and turns to face him, letting the sheet pool around her waist and shivering as the cool air hits her exposed skin.

"No, I um, I don't need another flight."

His face is unreadable as he sits up beside her. "Kate…"

"Castle, wait." She holds up a hand to stop him from asking what she knows is on the tip of his tongue. "That's definitely something we need to talk about, but there are some other things I need to say—some other hurdles we need to jump first, okay?"

He scrubs a hand down his face before throwing back the covers and sliding out of the bed.

"Castle?"

He hears her question just as he gets to the door of the bedroom and although he answers her, he doesn't turn back as he speaks. "We can talk, Kate, but if we're going to dive into this right now I need some coffee first."

The machine is already hissing and gurgling by the time she follows him into the kitchen. His back is to her, but she can sense the tension rolling off of him.

"Castle, I'm sorry. If you don't want to be awake this early I understand. I can read or something if you want to go back to sleep. I just—I haven't slept peacefully for three weeks now and I…"

He spins around to face her as she trails off, and although his face still shows traces of hurt and anger, his voice is soft. "I woke up on my own, remember? I want to do this right now, I want us to sit down and get everything out in the open. It's the only chance we have of making this work."

"Okay."

He turns his attention away from her, reaching above the coffee pot to remove two mugs from the cabinet. He pours them both a cup and hands hers over as he motions towards the couch. She lets him settle on one end before choosing to sit on the opposite. Kate takes a moment to sip her coffee, letting the scalding liquid slide down her throat before angling her body to face him.

"So…" She clears her throat as the words threaten to clog together. "You read all of my letters?"

"Yes," he answers over the rim of his cup.

"What did you—do you um, do you have any questions, thoughts, concerns?"

He's quiet for a long minute that seems to stretch out in the silence of the room. "Why now?"

Kate's brow turns down in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

He sets his empty mug down on the table in front of them and angles his body so that his posture mirrors hers. "Why did you choose now to share all of that with me? Why did it take almost a year of being in a relationship with me for you to decide that I was worthy of that information—of those parts of you?"

She swallows thickly, fights the urge to flee from this conversation. He deserves more from her. He deserves the truth.

"Because, I was—am scared."

In spite of the pain that's laced through her voice, it's Castle who looks as though he's just been punched in the gut.

"Scared of what, Kate?" He questions, leaning forward and leveling her with an intense gaze.

"Of us—of everything we weren't talking about."

Castle let's his head fall back against the couch and he doesn't lift it when he answers.

"The only person I remember 'not talking,' is you, Kate, and I'm still waiting for an explanation of why."

She lets the ceramic bottom of her coffee cup connect harshly with the surface of the coffee table. "That's not fair and you know it. I'm not the only person who hasn't been opening up. God, Castle, that's why we're in this mess—because neither of us talks about things."

"I'm sorry; tell me how it isn't fair, what am I not opening up to you about?" He's getting mad now and she can tell that this conversation has the potential to get very loud.

"I've been trying to ask you where we were going in this relationship for weeks now and every time I did, you shut me down in one way or another." She combs a hand through the tangled mess of her hair, shaking her head as she continues. "Do you know what Eric Vaghn asked me right before he tried to kiss me? He asked if we were serious and I couldn't give him a truthful answer because I didn't know. We've been doing this for almost a year now but we never talk about where we're going."

She stops then, allowing him the chance to say something. He's quiet for several minutes before he lifts his head and looks at her.

"Kate, I didn't realize that you wanted to have that conversation. When you asked me that, I didn't know you meant you wanted to sit down and discuss it. I never brought anything serious like that up because I didn't want to push you. Hell, it took us four years to get the point of having a relationship; I guess I just assumed that you wouldn't be ready to discuss more yet. Why didn't you just come right out and say that you wanted to talk about it? Where is all of this coming from?"

She folds her legs up in front of her on the couch, resting her head on her knees. "I've never stuck with a relationship for this long before. I've always kept one foot out the door so that I could bolt when things got serious. I guess it scared me that we'd been doing this for a year and I thought maybe the magic would wear off—maybe it was too good to be true. And when I couldn't get you to talk about it with me, I thought maybe you didn't want me as much as you originally thought you did."

"Kate…" He leans forward and grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together. "What we have—and yes we still have it, it's real, it's always been real. I will always want you and each day that I know you—that you're a part of my life that want only increases. I wanted you yesterday, I want you today and I'll want you tomorrow. That's never going to change, do you hear me?"

Tears are streaming steadily down her face by the time he finishes talking and the anger that he's been feeling retreats momentarily, leaving behind only concern for her. He tugs on her hand, using their linked fingers to draw her closer. "Come here."

She lets him pull her until she's settled sideways on his lap, her legs resting on the couch at the side of his body. It's the first real contact she's had with him in three weeks and she has to fight back another sob. His right hand rubs soothing circles on her back while his left settles on her thigh.

"So is that why you decided to write me letters, to show me that you were still in this, that you weren't running away from it—from us?"

She nods as she rests her head against his chest. "I needed you to hear those words, and since I was having trouble voicing them aloud, I wrote them."

"So does that mean I'm closer to knowing all of you now?" His voice vibrates through her body and she lets herself push more firmly against him.

"You know me better than anyone, Castle. But I wanted you to have every piece of my heart because it all belongs to you. Every broken piece that you've made whole, every hidden piece that no one's ever cared about before but you; it's all yours, for as long as you want it."

"Always, I want it, always." His answer comes in a whisper against her temple and she grips is shirt in her hand, fights back the emotions that threaten to drown her. Castle wraps both arms around her slender frame and holds her against him, both lost in thought at everything that's just been shared between them.

Several minutes have passed and the sun is starting to rise, its soft morning light filtering in through the windows. She feels Castle take a particularly long, deep breath and she knows his next question before it ever leaves his mouth.

"Tell me about what was going on inside your head when you went to that job interview. Walk me through it—help me understand, please?"

She lifts her head, taking a deep breath before she starts. "Well, we still weren't talking about important things and then when Stack told me about the job opening I couldn't stop thinking about it."

When she pauses to take a breath he cuts in. "Wait, I asked you what he wanted and you told me it was nothing. So you started lying to me then?"

She tries to shift off his lap but he holds her there, unwilling to let her go. "I wanted to tell you, Castle, but at that point I wasn't even sure they were going to call me, so I figured it wasn't important."

"And when they did call you?"

"I don't know—I just, I was unsure about everything, and I guess it seemed like the only thing I could control at the time." She drops her hand from his shirt; suddenly feeling like their current contact is too much.

"So you chose to pursue a possible future that wouldn't include me, instead of asking me about our future?" The hurt that had dissipated from his voice earlier is slowly creeping back in and she hates it, hate what she's done to the man she loves.

"I wasn't choosing a future without you, Castle. I was just trying to do what was best for me, while trying to figure out what was happening with us."

"Yet instead of talking to me and trying to figure it out, you hid things from me and pushed me further away. That seems to be what you're best at, pushing away the people that love you."

This time when she tries to move he lets her and she walks away from where he's seated, putting distance between them even as it threatens to break her.

"I wasn't trying to push you away, that was never my goal," she says with her back still turned to him.

"Funny, considering that's exactly what you did. When I found the boarding pass and confronted you about it, you told me that your decision wasn't about us, that it was about your life. So was that your way of telling me that I wasn't going to be a part of your future?"

She whirls back around to face him and this time he ignores the tears that are staining her cheeks. "What—no, how could you think…"

"How could I not think that?" He cuts her off. "Every choice you made in the few days leading up that fight speaks volumes. You didn't include me in your decision because you weren't sure you wanted me to be a part of it, and yet, you've sat here telling me that I'm the one who wasn't being clear about what I wanted."

She remains where she's standing, neither of them willing to comfort the other right now. "I wanted you to come back that night—I expected you to fight before you decided to give up."

"Maybe after four years of fighting for you, I just didn't have any fight left. Sometimes things just aren't…"

"Don't…" she holds up her hand, her tears falling more persistently as she fights the emotions. "Don't say I'm—we're not worth fighting for unless you really mean it, because if you say it, I will walk out that door and you won't have to worry about hearing from me again."

He stares back at her, his gaze fierce and angry, and yet he doesn't say the words because no matter how mad he is, he doesn't mean them.

He stands and collects their mugs, leaving her where she is while he places them in the sink and searches for something to cook for breakfast. He can't continue their conversation without some type of fuel other than coffee.

He pulls out some eggs and bacon, setting them on the counter as he locates a frying pan and prepares to cook them. He's vaguely aware of her movement, but ignores it until he looks up to find her sitting at the bar, watching him.

He flips the bacon, listening to it sizzle before glancing back up at her. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah."

He nods, continues to flip the bacon and cracking the eggs into the pan.

"Castle, please say something. I can't—I spent three weeks in silence, I can't handle anymore." Her voice still holds the remnants of her emotions but the tears seem to have dried up.

He places a napkin over the plate he has sitting on the counter, flipping several crispy pieces of bacon onto it. "I'm not really sure where to go from here, Kate. I don't know how I'm supposed to let all of this go. I need the rest of the story, first."

"Okay."

He turns to grab two more plates from the cabinet and divides the food between them, offering her one before returning to his place on the couch. She hesitates but then follows after him, sinking down into her original spot.

"Thank you," she tells him once she's swallowed a mouthful of bacon.

"For what?"

"For breakfast, for listening to everything I've said, for not walking away." She trails off, the rest over her unspoken words of gratitude hanging in the air.

"Always."

And she can't help but smile because in spite of all the mistakes she's made, he's still holding on.

They finish their meal in silence and Castle reaches for her plate, standing to take them to the kitchen. He rinses them off and loads them into the dishwasher before returning to the couch and regarding her intently.

"Okay, so you accepted the job, tell me about that."

She folds her legs Indian style, letting her upper body lean back against the arm rest of the couch. "Yeah, I accepted it. I talked to my dad before I did. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I didn't go for it, I'd always regret it. I've always wanted to be more—to do more and this job was my chance."

"Wait, was?" He questions.

"I'll get to that in a minute, okay?"

He nods, motioning for her to continue.

"Gates found out before I had the chance to tell her because the Attorney General's office had called her for a reference. She called me into her office and instead of being mad, she told me to go for it. I gave my two week notice that day and worked my last case with the boys. I didn't decide to write you the letters until the two weeks were up because I think a big part of me kept expecting you to show up."

"And what did you expect me to say if I did show up to find you packing your life away?" His tone isn't harsh but she can still hear the anger in it.

"I don't know—I wouldn't have asked you to drop your life and follow me if that's what you're thinking."

He shakes his head. "So you would have wanted me to accept it, wish you the best, and walk away?"

"No, of course not, I don't know how that conversation would've gone, but I never would've wanted it to end with you walking away."

He smiles at her this time, the first smile she's seen from him in weeks. "Good, because that's something I never would've done unless you specifically told me to."

She smiles back at him, reaching for his hand almost at the same time that he reaches for hers.

"So, I wrote the letters, prayed that you would read instead of sending them back to me. The last one was the hardest."

He squeezes her hand. "Was it hard because it was your last letter to me or because you hadn't heard back from me yet other than that stupid drunken call I started to make one night?"

"Both. But even more so because I knew I was leaving and there was a chance I would never see you again." She maneuvers their hands until she can lace their fingers together, sliding a little closer to him so that she can rest their joined hands comfortably on her knee.

"But I didn't make it until it was too late, and yet, you're still sitting here on my couch instead of in D.C. pursuing your new life."

She hears the question he's very loudly, not asking.

"Hmm, yes it seems I am. I guess it's time I told you why I don't have another plane to catch."

Next chapter will be out soon!

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