A/N: I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and if you don't celebrate it, I hope your day was still wonderful! Sorry for the slight delay, my computer's cooling fan isn't working so until it goes to be fixed next week I have to type in small increments of time. Thank you again for your continued support, and constantly putting a smile on my face. All mistakes on this one are my own.
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Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim any ownership over Castle.
"Consequences"
"There is a time for hello and a time for goodbye.
It's why the act of burying things seems natural,
But the act of digging them up does not."
-Mitch Albom
Kate lets go of Castle's hand, suddenly needing to stand while she has this conversation with him. He changes his posture so that he's facing where she stands in front of him and then he folds his hands together, resting them on his lap.
"I guess I should start with yesterday morning."
He nods, because of course he wants to know everything and the beginning is the best place to start.
"I waited until the last possible minute to see if you would come. I even thought about stopping by your loft on the way to the airport, but my whole reasoning for writing you the letters was to give you the option of fighting for this or letting it go. I came to your door once after I messed up, I didn't want to do that again."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry that I didn't make it in time, Kate."
She shakes her head, determined to show him how sorry she is for the mistakes she's made. "No, Castle. You have nothing to apologize for. I think—in all honesty, if you would have shown up, I don't think things would have worked out this way."
"So you're saying you would have gone to D.C. anyway even if I had shown up?" He asks.
She runs a hand through her hair, pacing a few steps from her original spot. "I don't know. I think it took you not showing up to bring us to where we are now. I mean I know you said that you did come to find me, but I think not seeing you is what changed everything for me. It opened my eyes, made me see what I was about to walk away from."
"Go on," he encourages.
"I got to the airport and before I even got on the plane something felt wrong. As much as I wanted to pursue this job, to be more than what I've been, I didn't feel right about it. I spent the last three weeks reasoning that if I didn't take this job that I'd regret it. I constantly told myself that if I didn't go, I'd always wonder what if. I thought that if I chose to stay here for you, that I'd end up hating you and myself." She pauses to catch her breath before continuing. "I was wrong, Castle. I was wrong about everything."
He glances at her questioningly but his lack of answer tells her that he's waiting for her to continue.
"That night we fought was one of the worst of my life. None of the fights we've ever had compare to that one because in the days leading up to the fight and for those brief moments during it, I let the war between my head and my heart take over. Looking back now I can't even justify my argument that my decisions were only about my life. I was selfish and my only justification for it then was because I had no idea what our future was going to be. I realize now how ridiculous everything I said was, and the fact that you're even giving me a chance to explain says so much about the man that you are."
She pauses again to be sure that he's following. When she's sure that he is she pushes on.
"When I sat down on that plane, everything that my head and my heart had been at war about ceased and for the first time since that fight, I knew there was only one thing that I wanted as a constant in my life. You."
"What do you—are you saying…" He knows what he wants to say but he can't seem to get the words to cooperate.
So, Kate helps him out.
"Right about the time that I made my first decision, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I listened to your voicemail. It only confirmed what I'd already decided. I want you, Castle, more than any stupid reason that I pushed you away for, more than that job in D.C., more than anything."
She gives him a slightly watery smile and she can't help but hold her breath as she waits for him to respond.
"What do you mean by 'your first decision'?"
She smiles again because of all the things she just said, she knew that's one he would definitely pick up on.
"Well, when I finally got them to let me off the plane, I knew there was a second decision I had to make before I got in that cab and came here. Castle, I would never ask you to give up your life for me, and I don't want to force you into a long distance relationship. Things have been hard enough for us without adding that type of stress to it. I called the office in D.C., and I told them that I couldn't take the job. That's why I don't need another flight."
The reaction she's hoping to get from him doesn't come and she starts to wonder if maybe he's just decided that he's done. Surely after everything they've been through today, there's a chance for them to make it. There has to be.
Castle clears his throat and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself for whatever he's about to say. "So, let me see if I understood correctly. You got off the plane and gave up your job in D.C. without even knowing if things were going to work out between us?"
"I—yeah I did," she stutters. "I know it probably seems stupid…" She trails off when he shakes his head and moves so that he's standing right in front of her.
"If you would have told me that last night, I would have told you it was stupid. Honestly, this is the first time since we started this conversation that I feel like you've accepted and learned from the mistake you made. But what's changed that's going to keep you from doing exactly what you said you would if you didn't go for this job?"
"I have." She smiles when her answer surprises him. "I've changed, Castle. I know what I really want, and I'm fighting for it. I wrote to you about all the things I've had to let go of, about how I've spent so long since my mother was murdered trying to find my way. I've finally found it and I'm not letting go."
She reaches for his hand, linking their fingers together and bringing them to rest over her heart. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry for shutting you out, for pushing you away. Most of all I'm sorry for not having faith that you were committed to us, because you've never given me a reason to doubt your love for me. I want to spend the rest of my life letting you know me, all of me."
He pulls his hand away from hers and her heart starts to pound, because her apology doesn't guarantee that he can forgive her and forget what she did. But then he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her flush against him, and she's trying but failing to fight back the tears as she wraps her arms around his neck. "I love you, Castle. I love you so much, I don't ever want to know what it's like to let go of you."
He swallows the rest of her words with the hard press of his mouth, his tongue traces her bottom lip, tasting the saltiness of her tears before tangling with hers as she opens up to him. She presses closer to him and he holds her tighter, re-memorizing everything about the hot, warm cavern of her mouth. She tastes like tears, and coffee, and apologies. He tastes like love, and coffee, and forgiveness.
He slows the kiss, softly separating his lips from hers before placing another chaste kiss to them and then pulling back to look at her. A few tears are still streaking down the pale skin of her cheeks and he lifts his thumb to gently wipe them away.
"I love you too, Kate. When I found you here yesterday I wasn't sure that this was going to end well. I was so hurt and angry at you for everything, even in spite of the letters. When I left here to try and catch you before your flight I didn't even know what I was going to say or what I expected to happen. I never stopped wanting you, but I just wasn't sure I could forgive you. You've surprised me, and when I was ready to stop pushing you, you stepped up in a way that I never thought you could. I do forgive you, Kate. And for the first time in three weeks, I think we have a chance at making it."
She rests her head against his chest, reveling in the feel of being in his arms because at several points during this conversation, she wasn't sure she ever would be again. She lets his forgiveness wash over her, lets it become a healing balm that coats and covers their wounds. Castle is more than she ever hoped for; he's the only person that's ever dared to push her when she tried to pull away. She's not sure she'll ever be deserving of his love, but she makes a silent promise to herself to cherish it for the rest of her life.
The weight of the last three weeks washes through them and Castle eases them towards the couch, pulling the soft weight of her body onto his lap, and this time they both know she's not going anywhere. Kate clings to him, the dark fabric of his shirt balled between each of her fists and he rubs soothing circles on her back until her grip eases. They hold on to each other, the silence of the room eventually lulling them both to sleep.
Castle wakes several hours later to a rumbling sound. He blinks a few times, listening for the sound again. When he hears it again he realizes it's coming from Kate's stomach. She's sleeping peacefully against him but her body seems to be begging for food. He lifts his hand to her cheek, softly rubbing his thumb over her eye.
"Kate, wake up," he whispers, not wanting to startle her in case she doesn't remember falling asleep on him.
She stirs, shifting against him slightly before her eyes flutter open and she looks up at Castle.
"Sorry for waking you. Your stomach was growling and I thought maybe I would make us something to eat."
Her cheeks flush a soft pink hue and he's not sure if it's from where she's been sleeping or she's slightly embarrassed. It's incredibly cute since he's heard her stomach growl probably a hundred times since they started dating.
She smiles and lifts her head so that she can plant a soft kiss to his lips. "Food sounds wonderful; I'm pretty hungry now that you mention it." She climbs off his lap and follows him into the kitchen, gladly accepting the glass of red wine he offers her. It's not the kind that makes her all, well for lack of a better phrase, 'horny', but the bottle of that particular wine is there for when they work their way back to it.
Castle pulls several kinds of lunch meat and cheeses out of the fridge along with all the condiments and creates them a masterpiece of a sandwich. He's pretty proud of himself when he cuts it in half and hands Kate hers and the sweet melody of her laughter fills the loft.
"I think this will hold us until dinner," he exclaims, grinning around a mouthful of sandwich.
"Castle, this could be our dinner. I've never had a sandwich this big before." She teases as she takes a bite of her own.
They finish the rest of their sandwiches at the bar. Castle throws their plates away while Kate pours them another glass of wine and they search through his collection of movies. Kate selects a John Woo movie, winking at Castle when he sees what she's picked. They both remember the night he'd invited her over to watch a John Woo marathon and instead they'd fought and she'd ended up at his door soaking wet hours later. They'd eventually had the marathon after making up for four years of what they'd been missing out on. It only seems right that they do the same now that they're going to be okay.
This time when they sit on the couch, there's no distance between them, Kate snuggles into Castle's side while he drapes his arm over her shoulders. She lets her head rest against his chest while they enjoy the movie. Silence seems to be a comfortable thing between them for the time being, neither pf them pushing the other to talk.
They're still cuddled together when the credits roll and Kate's about to ask if Castle wants her to start the next one, but when she glances up at him she stops short of asking her question. She knows that look. He's very loudly not asking her something that he really wants to. She pushes herself up off his chest and folds her knee up on the couch so that she can look at him.
"Castle, what's wrong?"
He acts as if he doesn't hear her for a minute but then he seems to snap back from whatever thoughts he was lost in. "Oh, um—nothing, it's nothing."
She bites her lip, her brows dipping down into a frown. "You do realize that I know you better than that, right? Come on, we just spent hours getting everything out in the open, talk to me."
"I was just thinking—where are you going to stay? Is your apartment still available?"
She shifts uncomfortably in her seat because while this is a conversation they need to have, she wasn't quite ready to bring it up yet. Yeah, Castle forgave her and they're working through things, but she's not sure they're ready for the topic that she knows will be brought up when she tells him about her apartment.
"Well, actually no it's not. I leased it to someone else when I took the job. There's no way to get it back now." She averts her eyes from his when she finishes because she knows what's already going through his mind.
"So, you're telling me that you have nowhere to live? When were you going to tell me?"
She meets his gaze then but instead of the anger she's expecting to see, there's only concern and maybe a hint of excitement. Wait, he's excited?
"I don't know—I just…When we first started talking this morning I wasn't sure that we were going to get to this point."
He reaches for her hand because anchoring each other when they're having conversations like this is something they do now. "Kate, this is kind of important don't you think? I know that things are still a little fragile with us and I'm still letting go of the hurt, but maybe this is our chance to prove what kind of future we want with each other."
"I know that you said you forgave me and we're working on things, but I don't want to put any added stress on this—on us." She shakes her head as she speaks because she knows where he's going with this and she's just not sure they're ready for it.
"Maybe pushing each other is what we need right now. We both want the same thing—we're on the same page, aren't we?"
"Yes," she whispers, just loud enough for him to hear.
"Then I think you already know what the answer is here. Move in with me, Kate."
Would love to hear your thoughts. xo