Chapter 11: Shared Pain
Nori looked up as the hell butterfly floated into the council meeting chambers and landed on his fingertip. He listened to the message, then turned to the two female councilors who were sifting through stacks of invitations, sample decorations and other items relating to the reception to be held to welcome Renji Abarai into the family.
"He is on his way," Nori said, standing and moving to join them, "Just keep him here as long as you can. I will go and have a talk with Abarai. At last report, he was returning to his room to rest while Lord Byakuya came here to assist in the preparations."
"And you really think that you can convince Abarai to leave Lord Byakuya?" asked Arisu, "From what I heard, they were beginning to get on well. What makes you so sure he will leave, based on what you say?"
"He hasn't told Abarai about the obligation to birth an heir. We know that this is because he still has hopes that the council will grant them an exemption from that duty, based on their service to the king."
"But you said that you manipulated the reiatsu and created a spirit chamber so that Lord Byakuya, himself, would have the heir," objected Leiko, brushing the long, black hair from her shoulders, "Can't the council already relieve Abarai of that duty?"
"Well…keep in mind that Byakuya does not know yet that he is with child. If I reveal the council's expectation before they know about the pregnancy, Abarai will treat Byakuya's withholding of the truth as a huge betrayal. After all, he was forced to bear the new king. He is still suffering physically and emotionally from that. To learn that Byakuya expects him to carry the Kuchiki heir as well will drive him away. Soul bonded or not, we need to rid ourselves of that Rukon Rat. He is enough trouble on his own, but I shudder to think of him putting hands on our cousin and leader."
"He was of enough quality to be the king's vessel," said Leiko argumentatively.
"And he is of quality to assist us in the birth of our own heir…but that is where it ends. He has already caused our leader to show signs of rebelliousness we haven't seen since his marriage to that peasant woman."
"I thought you rather liked Hisana," Arisu commented, "You fawned on her almost scandalously."
"She had a sinfully lovely body for a commoner, I admit, which is why I somewhat understood Lord Byakuya's interest in her. Unfortunately, he let himself fall in love instead of just indulging in her more recreationally."
"You beast!" laughed Arisu, shaking her head, "Is that what you think was between them? He seemed to love her."
"He was naïve. And he has not grown much less naïve over the years. He still thinks that he can pick and choose his own way despite how it reflects on us. A strong leader and a powerful heir will help us to maintain our place closest the royal family, but letting that red haired, intractable vermin into the family will drag us down."
"Well, I for one, think Abarai is quite attractive," said Leiko, laughing and picking up two different invitations to compare, "It's too bad he isn't into women…and that he's soul bonded…"
Nori rolled his icy blue eyes.
"Don't you start too, Cousin!" he snapped, "You see…this man needs to quietly exit. We can't kill him because it would also kill our leader…and we need him alive…at least as long as there is no suitable heir…"
"Ooh," said Arisu, "Aren't you getting all scary! Should Leiko and I be watching our backs?"
"Shut up and keep working," Nori said off-handedly, "And when he arrives, you keep him here for as long as you can."
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Renji leaned back against the soft, white pillows and gazed out into the gardens outside his open doors. He couldn't remember being in a place more beautiful than Kuchiki Manor. And now that he and Byakuya were becoming closer, he looked forward to exploring more of it. But he would never get far in doing so if he didn't get well. He glanced down at his skin and felt a bit encouraged by the soft black lines that were beginning to emerge. And though he still fell far below his normal level of power, the seal on his powers had been removed and he was again able to manage low level kido.
"Soon…"
Soon he would be back at full strength. And he and Byakuya would be at the end of their leave and begin to work as captain and subordinate again. He wondered how difficult it would be to be one thing at home and another at work. He felt perfectly at ease with following Byakuya's orders as his captain, but he was also growing more at ease with sharing a more balanced relationship in their home.
It's hard to believe that this is my home too. I look around and everything here is beautiful…the dark, shining wood used to make this place, the stone and wooden walkways, the flowers and trails, the sakura trees, everything is beautiful here. And then there's me. How in the hell did I end up here? And with him? Because he's damned beautiful too…and he looks like he belongs here. But me?
"I've brought your tea, Master Abarai," said Michio, setting the tray on the nightstand beside Renji.
"Thanks, Michio," the redhead said absently.
He took a sip of tea and continued to gaze out into the gardens, his mind replaying his more recent encounters with his spouse. Byakuya was opening up, sharing more with him. It felt good, he thought, to feel the slow lowering of the barriers between them, to get past the awkwardness of their sudden bonding and marriage. And with his body finally recovering from the ordeal in the spirit dimension, he felt more comfortable lowering his own barriers. Yes, bit by bit, their relationship was taking on more reality.
He knew that there were going to continue to be annoyances and upsets. He was a free spirit, suddenly gathered into a much closer environment, but if he and Byakuya could manage to continue to build healthy connections, he thought that, even in the tighter domain of noble life, he could see himself being happy.
He wondered if Byakuya felt the same. The noble seemed content enough, now that things were improving between them…
"Sir," said Michio, appearing suddenly in the doorway, "You have a visitor."
"I do?" said Renji, surprised, "I'm hardly dressed for company…"
"It's all right, sir. It is Head Councilor Nori and he is aware that you are still healing."
Renji nodded.
"Okay…I guess you can let him in."
Michio disappeared out the door, reappearing a minute later with the elder at his side.
"Would you like me to bring the two of you some tea?" the attendant asked.
"Oh yes," said Nori, nodding, "Tea would be good, Michio."
He watched as the dark haired youth raced away, then turned to Renji. Renji looked up at the tall, silvery haired Kuchiki elder, feeling a slight chill at meeting the coldly beautiful blue eyes. Like Byakuya, he had pale, perfect skin and his hair was silken and left loose around his shoulders.
"I am glad to see you are looking better, Renji Abarai. It seems that your reiatsu is much improved since your return from the spirit realm."
"Yeah…I do feel better, thanks," the redhead said, sitting up straighter.
Nori chuckled softly and held up a hand.
"Don't feel the need to posture, Abarai. You are resting and healing, so we needn't act as though we were in a meeting of council. I am curious, however, to know how things are progressing. How are you settling into noble life? It is a far cry from navigating the hard streets of the lower Rukon, ne?"
"Yeah…yeah it is. But Captain Kuchiki has been really good about making sure I know what to expect…and Michio is especially helpful. He knows what this is like."
"Yes, I had heard of my cousin's choice of attendant for you, and I must say…it is a fair match. Michio is a very intelligent boy…and pleasant all around, you might say. And you are showing a fair amount of resilience, from what I understand."
"Well, living in the Rukon makes a guy pretty adaptable."
"I am certain that is true, however, it must have spun your mind in quite the circle to learn that after serving his majesty, you would then serve as well to carry our heir."
Renji's eyes narrowed questioningly.
"Come again?" he asked.
Nori paled slightly and gave him a surprised look.
"Oh…I am sorry. I just assumed that…that he must have told you. My apologies," Nori said, shaking his head in dismay, "This must be so upsetting to you learning it from me this way. But let me assure you, I expect that Lord Byakuya only meant to spare you as you recovered. He likely was afraid of putting too much pressure on you as you healed. Again…I am sorry to have troubled you…"
Renji shoved away the sick feeling rising inside.
"I…it's…it's fine. Look, I'm not feeling so well."
"Ah, yes, I will send Michio back in to assist you," said Nori, rising and turning away.
He stopped in the doorway, a slow smile touching his lips as he registered Renji climbing to his feet and heading for the bathroom. He shook his head at the sounds that followed, then left the room.
"Michio," he said, spotting the youth on the walkway, "You need to see to Renji. He is looking quite unwell again. I'm afraid he must have had a relapse.
He turned away, walking back towards the manor entry, smirking at the sounds of concern issuing from the rooms behind him.
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Byakuya captured the approaching hell butterfly on a fingertip, noting immediately the tension in Torio's voice as it rose up and delivered the message.
Lord Kuchiki, Michio has reported to me that Master Abarai has fallen ill again. We have summoned a healer, but we thought that you would wish to know.
Byakuya was on his feet and flash stepping towards the door immediately.
"What's your hurry?" asked Arisu, "Is something wrong?"
"My apologies," Byakuya quickly, "I shall contact you later to finalize the plans."
He didn't wait for an answer, but flash stepped out of the council chambers, down the stairs and back towards Kuchiki Manor. He was vaguely aware of passing Nori, who asked him something…but Byakuya neither slowed nor answered. He maintained the speed of his shunpo until he reached the manor entry, then slowed to catch his breath before continuing on past a sputtering Torio and a harried looking Michio.
He turned into Renji's room and was surprised to find Renji fully dressed and slinging a pack over his shoulder. But his reiatsu was horribly sluggish and his face looked frighteningly pale.
"Renji?" he queried, staring, "I was told you were ill…"
"You…" Renji said in a low voice, "I want you to get out of my way!"
"Get out of your way? Renji…what's wrong with you? Why are you so angry? Did I do something wrong?"
"Did you do something wrong, Captain?" nearly choking and clenching his stomach, "Why don't you tell me…because obviously your idea of wrong and mine are pretty damned different. How could you keep such a thing from me? Were you ever gonna tell me?" he hissed, his voice trembling, "Or were you just gonna act surprised when I let you fuck me and I ended up pregnant?"
Byakuya's eyes widened with realization.
"Renji…it wasn't like that…"
"Really?" the redhead said sarcastically, "because if it's not, I don't know what the hell it is! But it isn't anything I want to be part of. I'm getting out of here! I'm getting away from you and your crazy fucking family! Now, get out of my way!"
"Wait," Byakuya said, trying to keep his voice calm, "I swear I can make you understand…Renji…"
"No…no I don't give a damn what you have to say! You had a chance, you know? When we started to open up like that? I started to feel like I could trust you again…like maybe…we could get past what happened in the spirit dimension and make this marriage work. But it was a lie! You never wanted me as an equal partner…as a real spouse. You had to have that last bit of control over me. Maybe you're just too used to having control to relinquish it and actually let someone else stand beside you. But you can't do something like that and expect me to just let it go. You were going to use me, just like I was used to bear the king!" Renji half sobbed, lowering his head and brushing the tears away, "I didn't think you would do something that awful…not ever! You were there! You know what I went through! How could you do this? How could you not even tell me?"
"I told you this morning that there was something I wanted to tell you…remember? You do remember, ne?" Byakuya asked, tension in his voice.
"So what?" Renji countered, "You could have told me a hundred times over! You could have told me before we even came back! But you didn't! You didn't say a damned thing? And now you want me to believe that you were just about to tell me?"
"I would have told you sooner, Renji…but I feared for your health…and I went before the council to request an exemption, because like you, I knew it would be wrong!"
"But that day…at the sixth division…when you said that you would have sex with me if I asked it? You were pulling me in! You were lying through your teeth! It wasn't about making our marriage work! It was making your damned heir, Byakuya!"
"No…no…I never sought to do that. I wouldn't have taken you…even if that had been something you wanted. I wouldn't have. I give you my word!"
Renji managed a short, choked, sarcastic laugh.
"Your word? Your…word? What the fuck is that worth, anyway? You say lots of things, you know…lots of things that are and aren't true, Captain. We both know that! You posture all the time. But up until now, it's always been to protect someone…like Rukia…or sometimes even me. But you weren't protecting anyone this time. You were setting me up…and I'll never forgive you for that. We can't break the soul bond…I know. But I don't have to live here anymore! You think of what to tell them when they ask…I'm sure you can think up a pretty damned good lie!"
He flash stepped past the stricken noble and out onto the walkway. Byakuya heard Michio's voice calling out and he turned to go after Renji. He flash stepped out onto the walkway and started to follow, but slid to a stop as pain registered in his abdomen. He caught his breath softly and held his hand to his abdomen, swallowing hard as he sensed Torio appearing at his side.
"I need to go after him…"
"No…" Torio said, taking hold of his arm, "Anyone can see that something's wrong. Let me get a healer for you."
"I'm not ill," Byakuya said shortly, "Let go of me…"
"Sir…please, I can sense your reiatsu is distorted. You're not well. Besides, Michio went after him. He will follow, then come back to tell us where Master Abarai went. Please, sir, come and rest for a bit…at least until your reiatsu settles."
Byakuya stared, glazed eyed the boy, thinking. Finally, he gave a long sigh and followed Torio out of Renji's room and back to his own.
"Torio," he said quietly as he removed all but his yukata, "I want you to wake me as soon as Renji is found."
"I will, sir, I promise," the youth said, laying the blanket over him.
Byakuya closed his eyes and calmed his breathing, trying to slowly push the odd, cramping sensation in his stomach away. But it continued to throb and pulse uncomfortably, leaving him feeling oddly weak and sick to his stomach. He thought about summoning Torio, but after a time managed to drift off.
Byakuya turned and shifted as he slept, sometimes remembering what had happened between Renji and him, and sometimes escaping into deeper dreams of unrelated things. But in the midst of his sleep, a soft flare of reiatsu rose up, and he felt his mind seem to leave his body, to travel out of the manor and away…and to settle again inside his missing spouse.
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Renji sat in a corner of a Rukon bar…not anywhere Byakuya was likely to find him, drinking himself into oblivion and hoping that doing so would not only dull the pain, but would blind his spouse to where he was and what he was doing. He still felt the ache of sickness inside…but it only meant excusing himself from time and time to go and empty his stomach before taking up with the bottle again. He was so drunk, he thought it unnatural that he still felt the burn as he drank more.
"Hey," said a soft, feminine voice, "Bartender says you've had enough. You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up."
She paused, looking into his eyes and smiling sympathetically.
"Look, I'm off now. Obviously, someone messed you up pretty bad. Why don't you come upstairs with me? I can let you have a hot shower and we can talk about it. I'm a good listener…"
He thought about telling her 'no' and stumbling away somewhere outside to sleep, but the night was too damned cold and, he thought, he wasn't going to freeze his ass off just because of some damned noble jackass…
"Y-yeah…okay…" he managed, accepting her hand and staggering to his feet.
His head swam and everything went oddly dim for a while. He heard the girl's voice again and felt his clothes being removed, then cool hands touched his body and another body laid down with him. Her voice reached his ears and he felt soft, sweet lips touching his. It was different from Byakuya's lips, but he wanted to feel different. He wanted to feel anything but Byakuya's touches and kisses. So he disappeared into the barmaid's embrace, moaning uncomfortably and saying things he had no control over…how that noble was a bastard, and never cared for him…but all of the time, Byakuya's mind was somehow there, alongside his, feeling and absorbing a share of the pain…reeling as the barmaid rose up over Renji and took his length inside her. His mind disappeared into a haze and he knew no more for a time. He awoke sometime later to find himself entangled with the girl and sick to his stomach. He slid out of her arms and staggered to the bathroom, retching. He could almost laugh at himself for ever thinking he could control his own destiny again. Byakuya would be with him, no matter where he went, no matter what he did.
"Bastard!" the redhead sobbed, leaning forward and throwing up again.
Soft arms wrapped around him and helped him back to bed. He felt a cool cloth touch his forehead and heard the girl's kind voice encouraging him to sleep. He sank into slumber again and woke later, feeling a little more coherent. The girl brought him coffee and sat quietly next to him as he drank it. He sipped at the strong liquid, feeling it slide down inside and begin to awaken him.
But he didn't want to be awake…
Awake meant remembering, and all he wanted to do was to forget…
"You look so sad," whispered the girl, "but it will be all right. I know someone hurt you…and you are still in love with that person. You have to let yourself feel that pain, before you can move on."
Renji shook his lowered head and held back a dry sob.
"You don't understand. I can never be free. I am soul bonded to this person…and I have no choice but to return to him eventually."
The girl pulled Renji onto her shoulder and held him there.
"Then, if that is the way it is…rest here for a bit. Go back after you've made yourself well again."
Renji allowed himself to be lowered back into bed and fell into a deep sleep. He didn't wake until much later, when a hell butterfly arrived and hovered near his head. Torio's voice rose up, shaking and filled with tears.
M-master Abarai, I know you are very angry, but…you must come to the fourth division. Lord Kuchiki became dreadfully ill and has been taken to the healing center. Sir…sir…I think he is in danger of dying! It came on very suddenly…and they don't know why…please, sir, Captain Unohana needs to ask you some questions…
Renji leaned forward and brought a hand to his forehead, noticing for the first time, that the girl who had brought him to the room was gone. He left a note, explaining his need to leave and thanking her for listening, then, with a heavy heart, set out for the Seireitei.