Last night Harry and I had a long talk after he pre-proposed to me before dinner. Starting with why he's been so distant the past month after I asked him to wait on proposing. It was a difficult conversation; neither of us are very good at expressing ourselves in non-work situations; but we muddled through. And got out into the open why it hurt him so much that I essentially told him no to getting married right now and why I am saying no.
Harry's afraid. Not something I was expecting him to say or even feel but it's the truth. He's afraid of so many different things that can affect our relationship and change things in the six months I asked him to wait. Things I never even thought of. Firstly; and the largest; is he's afraid I'm going to see him in a different light and leave him. His past is not the prettiest. He's had affairs, he's used women both for his personal and professional gain, he's lied, he's stolen, he's killed men, and other things he won't tell me about. I know the things he's had to do during the course of his career; while it bothers him greatly; I've read his file. So I not only came into this relationship with my eyes open but I also fell in love with the man he is; regardless of what he's done in the past.
That's not to say it doesn't bother me. Growing up, when I thought about the man I'd one day fall in love with and spend my life with; because I know we're going to be together until one of us dies now; it did not involve a man who's killed others or who cheated on his first wife not once but upwards of twelve times. It does bother me and a large part of me does wonder if down the road will he seek relationships with others. After all, they say if you've cheated on someone once, what's to stop you from cheating on them again and again. Which he's done. But I've come to think that what we have together is different. I'm not Jane. What he does and the hours he works do not bother me. Because I do the same thing and I work just as long.
Aside from being afraid that I'm going to leave him for his past sins, Harry's also afraid I'm going to leave him for someone younger with less baggage. What I tried to explain to him is I don't want someone younger. And in fact the age difference does not bother me. Yes he's quite a few years older than me and he was having children when I was still in school but I fell for the man; not the age. When it comes down to it, age is just a number and who really cares how much older he is than me. There are going to be people who comment on it. Many of them will be people we work with and come across if not in 5 then in the course of our dealings with some other branch of Government. But there are going to be just as many who comment about the fact that he's my boss and I'm only with him to advance my career. Again, he and I know that truth. That's what matters.
Death also plays into this. Not only because he's older but because of what we do. Harry is so afraid that something is going to happen; that he's going to die and we'll be over before we get started. It's a fear I share with him. After all, my father died when I was eleven years old. I understand death so well. But we can't let that guide us. I'm not planning on dying any time soon and neither is he. Being married isn't going to change the way I feel about him. It isn't going to change us living together, enjoying life together, making love together or anything else.
I can understand his fears and his reasoning; even those I know he's still not voicing to me. And now that he's explained it, I can understand why he's pulled away from me this past month. It doesn't make me happy and it helped to prove my point that we're not ready for that next step yet. But I can understand better. And I'm not going to leave because that would be confirming his fears. Even if things become unbearable again.
Once Harry explained his reasoning, he asked that I explain why I couldn't say yes to his proposal but I was willing to say yes to promising to marry him. In his eyes it's not that much of a difference and if I'm being honest with myself, it's not. But like him, I'm scared. And like the hypocrite I can be, it mostly has to do with what others are going to think. Six months ago the entire Grid saw Juliet give him head; what are they going to think if they find out not only are we in a relationship but that we're getting married? And yes, I know what they think shouldn't matter but I have to work with these people every day. The core team; Adam, Fiona, Danny, Malcolm, Colin, and Sam will know the truth; that I love him and he loves me but what about everyone else? They're going to think what people outside the department think; that I'm with him to further my career. And then there will be whispers behind the back and looks. I won't be able to handle it. And God forbid he has to get close to someone for a case. Then I'll get the pity looks.
On top of that, everyone knows what happened with Peter. That I was in a relationship with another man up until a few months ago. They also know the relationship did not end well and that the man turned into a stalker. Some already have whispered that I probably blew it all out of proportion for attention. It hurts to know that they think that way. More so with the court case coming up. After the last therapist I thought everyone knew that Harry and I were a couple but I was wrong. No one knows for sure. Some suspect but no one actually knows we're still living together or that we've moved past the beginning stages of dating. Wait. That's a lie. Mark knows. How can he not when more days than not he drives us in to work together or will drive me home on the bad nights when Harry's got to work late? But he doesn't say anything to anyone. And I think Adam suspects but he's not going to say anything.
That's the other reason. I'm going to have to testify for Peter's court case before too long. A case that's going to decide whether he gets to continue enjoying his freedom or he'll be locked up for some time. With all that happened, my being engaged to Harry could throw the case. The first meeting I had with the Prosecutors office they asked if I was seeing anyone else yet. I could honestly say then that I wasn't. It was before Harry and I officially got together. They were happy with that and warned me that my getting into a serious relationship; or really any relationship; at this point could influence the case. The defense is looking for any reason to have the case thrown out. So Harry and I getting engaged could mean that Peter walks.
Of course I never explained that to Harry. I never told him anything about the case or what's been going on with the meetings I've had with the Prosecution. Which brought us to another conversation about trusting the other. A relationship isn't going to work if we're not sharing with the other. He's right. And we're both guilty of that fact. It's something we're both going to work on. Harry asked if perhaps he could come to another one of my weekly therapy sessions; especially now that I've found that I actually like this therapist and that he's not using the information against me. I was a bit shocked when he asked me. But like he said, he wants us to work and we almost imploded within the first two months. We need an outside opinion. A third party to help us where we both fail. I think I love him even more for that.
For the first time in a month we went to bed together. It was innocent. We were both emotionally drained and physically tired by the time we'd finished the meal and headed to bed. But we were together. I wasn't going to sleep before he came home and he wasn't coming in later to whisper his love before going to sleep across the bed. Instead we went up together and while we got ready separately; thank goodness for two bathrooms; we crawled into bed at the same time. For the first time since that snow day, he kissed me goodnight. And while we fell asleep on our own sides of the bed, his hand was gripping mine tightly.
And for the first time in a month when I woke this morning, Harry was wrapped around me. I asked him about that; how he could go from not touching me at all to migrating across the bed to wrap himself around me. And you know what, he had an answer. Turns out he migrates across the bed when he lets himself sleep soundly; that for the past month while he's been sleeping, he's not been sleeping too deeply. Which made me feel guilty. But he promised that it's something he's used too; that in his past, when he'd normally shared a bed with someone, he'd not allowed himself to sleep too deeply. At first I didn't believe him but instead of pushing it off, we both stayed and talked about it. And I felt a bit better. Alright, I felt a lot better to know that he trusts me enough to let himself sleep without check. As he wasn't leaving before I woke, we got to go back to sleep for another hour together.
Waking up wrapped together does have consequences though. Good consequences though as we made love again this morning. Or rather Harry did all the work and I just laid there too limp to move after he caressed me to completion from a rather arousing dream. He was rather unbearable to start the day after realizing he'd brought me to orgasm with just a few flicks of his fingers the first time. Though I did manage to knock him from his high horse when I'd managed to get my thoughts back together and muscles under control enough to slide on top of him, teasing him until he'd just about growled and pulled me down onto his erection. I think we were both extremely happy this morning.
His good mood only faltered after his last meeting of the day. Unlike days of the past month, I stayed late; wanting to go home with him. All through his weekly status meeting with Juliet I felt his eyes on me and I tried everything not to let the redness sink into my cheeks. He knew I knew he was watching though. And as their meeting drew to a close, he sent me an email asking if I was ready to leave. Not answering, I started cleaning up and was almost to the forgery suite when I heard Juliet ask Harry to dinner. He's taken to leaving the door open when he meets with her after the incident.
I have to give the woman credit, she's persistent when she wants something. And she wants Harry again. He turned her down though; not too quickly so as to raise suspicion but he still turned her down. She kept trying though as dinner was not what she was really after and that's when she dropped her bomb shell on him. Juliet is pregnant. Harry and I both know it's not his as does Juliet. Not only is the timing way off but as Juliet threw out there, Harry never was one to sleep with someone without a condom. Her little joke of how he should have owned his own condom factory when he was sleeping with her, Jane, Elena and God knows who else in the 80's did make me pause a moment and wonder who Elena was. I kept moving though to put away the logs I'd been sorting for Malcolm and only heard the end of their conversation when Harry almost physically threw her off the Grid.
But her visit was enough to prompt another long discussion on our way home. Realizing the faux paus of letting things sit, Harry insisted talking about this Elena woman. And the four year long affair that he had with her during his first marriage. I'm not going to lie. It hurt. Especially as I realized that not only was she an asset, she was a Russian asset during a time when tensions were high. For them to carry on an affair for four years meant that there was feelings there. And he admitted as much. But like Jane, he said he only loved her; that he wasn't in love with her; and that once it ended, he'd not thought of her again. What hurt more though was his admission that they had a child together. One he hasn't seen since he left her in Berlin.
That made me wonder what kind of man could leave his child like that; never to have any contact with them or know how they're doing. I think Harry sensed that I was pulling back because he pressed on and laid everything out. How he tried to bring Elena and Sasha back with him but ultimately she decided not to. That she cut him out of his sons life; that her final parting shot was that Sasha was not his. But he didn't know. DNA tests weren't as common then as they are now and he never had the chance to see if the boy was really his or was in fact her husband's. I could sense that wasn't everything though as Harry seemed down. And at this point, I could really curse Juliet. If she wasn't pregnant with her demon spawn I could even slap her. Because she brought forth old wounds that he tried to forget about.
Harry admitted to me tonight that he's not sure if Catherine is in fact his. He's never done the test because he truthfully doesn't want to know if she's not but there's a large chance that she's not. During their marriage Harry was not the only one having an affair though in her defense, Jane only had one affair and she wound up marrying the man once her first marriage was over. But the affair did start within the first year of their marriage. When Catherine was born, Harry didn't think she wasn't his. It wasn't until after the divorce and Jane threw out there that Graham probably wasn't that Harry started to worry. Jane insisted on a DNA test for Graham after all the troubles in his teens and it turned out he was in fact Harry's but it did make him think about Catherine. Especially after she dropped his last name and took on Jane's.
But as he said, he doesn't want to know. It scares him to think that she might not be. For a man who has faced death on any number of occasions, the thought that his little girl might not actually be his made him cry. And for that, I might just slap Juliet the next time I see her. There was nothing I could say to him once he admitted that. The only thing I could do was offer comfort. Something he grabbed onto. He's asleep right now next to me on the couch but I don't have the heart to wake him. While we'll both probably regret it come morning, I think we're staying here tonight.
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AN: Hopefully this isn't too out of character and answers some questions that you had in your reviews. If it didn't answer your questions, let me know and I'll try to address them next time around. Thank you all for your reviews and hopefully this wasn't as depressing as the thought that I almost broke them up. Tomorrow night has been dedicated to catching up on all your wonderful stories so there probably won't be another update until the weekend.