Chapter 15: Finding Balance
"This place is great, Byakuya," commented Renji as he followed the noble into the mansion and Byakuya closed the door behind them.
It didn't get past Renji that Byakuya had been relatively silent most of the way there, or that immediately upon their arrival, he activated the security system and made sure their reiatsu was carefully masked. But then, he reasoned that it made sense that he would be on his guard after what the elders had done.
"Look, if you'll point me in the right direction," he said, looking around the spacious interior, "I will make the two of us some tea."
He followed Byakuya's gesture to the large kitchen and quickly prepared the tea, then he returned to where they had come into the house and looked around. He spotted the noble out in the gardens, sitting quietly beneath one of the shade trees. He dropped onto his knees in front of Byakuya and handed him one cup, then sipped at his own and waited for the noble to say something. But Byakuya just continued to sit silently in the cool shade beneath the tree, with his untouched tea at his side. And Renji could sense the internal war going on inside him, even as he remained calm and unruffled at the surface.
"Byakuya," he said finally, "why don't you tell me what's bothering you? Maybe it will help to just put it out there and deal with it. Are you upset with me?"
There was only a slight deepening of breath to signal that the noble had, indeed, heard him. He remained silent and contemplative for several more long minutes before sighing and picking up his tea. He took a sip and set it down again, then sat, gazing down at his hands.
"I'm not upset with you," he said finally, "I'm just…weary. In a way, I'm afraid to move, because every time I move, I do something to rile you. And I do not want you to be so angry with me anymore."
Renji let out a soft breath and moved closer.
"You're right," he admitted softly, "It seems like I haven't stopped feeling angry since all of this crap started. It's just that I basically had my life yanked out of my hands and turned upside down. And I admit that I blamed you. And it's not fair for me to have done that. You didn't ask for this."
"But neither did I make things any easier for you. I kept what I knew to myself and left you to your own devices. And then I made things worse by trying to push you into a life you just didn't want."
"Stop, will you?" Renji said, shaking his head, "Because really, I made it impossible for you to tell me anything. I was so busy being angry, I wouldn't have really heard you if you had told me anything. I was so pissed off at the unfairness of what was happening, that I forgot that it wasn't just happening to me."
"But you right, Renji," Byakuya said quietly, "Your whole life came down around you…and when we came back, mine didn't change so greatly. I still had my manor, my servants, my powers…"
Renji tightened his lips and shook his head again.
"None of that shit matters," he said firmly, "because that's not what you're about."
He took a slow breath and let it out soundlessly.
"You know, when I actually slowed down and started to think straight again, I realized that this thing hit you where it hurts the most."
"How do you mean?" Byakuya asked, meeting his eyes warily.
"Before I came along, the only experience you had at being in a relationship was with someone you loved, and who loved you back. And when I thought that through, it occurred to me that…even though you live physically in that manor, surrounded by responsibilities, servants, and your family, the place you really live…is inside yourself."
"I don't understand," the noble said, looking back at him curiously.
Renji smiled.
"You spend most of your time inside your head," he explained, "Your body does all of the things that are required, reports, meetings, seeing to duty, looking respectful, being dignified, but inside your head, you are in a completely different place. You look like you're here, but half the time, you're a million miles away. Because, let's face it. You weren't really happy before this all happened to us…and you've really only become more unhappy ever since. I knew that all along. But I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I overlooked it. I lumped you in with your scheming relatives and turned on you, when I should have been commiserating with you. And I missed more than a few chances to work with you to make this easier for both of us. And in the end, a good portion of the hurt ended up landing on you."
"Abarai, you do not have to go back and rewrite everything. I deserved every bit of criticism you handed me. I was awful."
"Yeah?" said Renji, raising an eyebrow, "Well, I was fucking sadistic. I get sick thinking of how furious I was…and how I took everything out on you. Byakuya, maybe you made mistakes, but you kept trying to reach out to me. You tried to make me as comfortable as you could in your home…and you offered me an honest relationship, which I then threw back in your face by having sex with you to prove a point. And then, when I saw what I'd done to you, I still blamed you. Instead of feeling bad about hurting you, I was just hurt because I felt threatened by what you felt for Hisana. I was jealous. And you never even gave me any real reason to be. You gave me chance after chance to really try to be an equal partner, but I never gave you a chance to be anything."
"Stop," Byakuya said wearily, "You don't need to apologize…or to rationalize. It's enough for me that you finally believe I wasn't trying to trap you into having our child. I think it is really best that the burden fell onto me instead. You've endured enough at the hands of this cursed family."
"Hey," said the redhead, placing a hand on the noble's face and moving in closer, "You've put up with their shit way longer than I have…and they've hurt you too. But they inadvertently gave us our freedom. Because by being so horrid and tricking you into having our baby, they made the three of us into a family. And for some reason…I think you and I are better off this way…and without their interference. We have to go back and face them, sure. But when we do, we'll be facing them together."
Byakuya gazed at him quietly for a moment, then closed the distance between them and settled against the redhead's muscular shoulder. Renji's arms closed around him and the redhead's hands tightened on him. Byakuya sighed tiredly and closed his eyes, surrendering fully then to the need to just be held and warmed by Renji's now calm and warm arms.
Renji rested his face in a soft swell of sakura scented hair and let his fingers run through it absently as Byakuya's breathing slowed and fell into a steady rise and fall. Renji smiled then at just how good it felt to hold a relaxed and sleeping Byakuya in his arms. He planted a soft kiss on top of his head and let a hand slip down to work its way beneath his clothes and to rest against his bare abdomen. His smile widened as he felt the soft throb of their baby's reiatsu. Whatever he might have thought about the circumstances that had brought them together or what had led to his return to Byakuya, he had to admit that it felt wonderful to feel Byakuya's body resting against his and to know that their baby was growing inside him.
I grew up without parents. So I don't really know what they felt about me. But I know how I feel about this little one. I feel this little tiny flutter of life and all I want to do is to hold it close and keep it safe. And I don't just feel that way about our baby. I feel that way about Byakuya too. I don't want those bastards to get to him again. They've put both of us through enough already. Now, I just want them to leave us the hell alone and let us have this small bit of happiness together. Yeah, I think we could be happy if we each just reach a little bit in each other's direction.
He nuzzled the sleeping noble's cheek and kissed the warm, pliant lips. Byakuya's eyes opened and fixed on him. He caught his breath softly at the feel of Renji's hand caressing his abdomen. His eyes remained locked on the redhead's as Renji's kisses deepened and his hand slid down further, brushing against Byakuya's awakening arousal, stopping to wrap around the soft sac at its base, then sliding down even more to tease his entrance. The noble's gray eyes widened as he was gently lowered into his back and Renji slowly loosened his clothing, then removed it piece by piece. Within minutes, he lay on his back, fully bared and gazing up at an equally naked, Renji Abarai.
"Your tattoos," he observed, letting his fingers play over the flesh of the redhead's chest, "They look like they did before…like nothing ever happened."
Renji smiled and captured Byakuya's hand in his. He brought it to his lips for a moment, then released it and lowered his body onto the noble's. He fastened his mouth on Byakuya's and moved his hips, sliding his length along the noble's, while thrusting his tongue between the soft, parted lips and probing deeply…tasting and teasing until a shiver passed through Byakuya's body and the noble began to respond.
Renji caught his breath and then lost it again as Byakuya's hips thrust upward into his, and the noble's tongue caressed his hungrily, as though he lived for every touch. He felt a twinge of sadness, thinking how he had mistrusted and hurt Byakuya, and through their deepening connection, he could sense that even though things were getting better, the noble was still hurting inside. He accepted Renji's affection readily enough, but as his soul bonded, Renji couldn't help but sense the pathways of his thoughts. And as he did so, he found them returning to the hurt he had felt when Renji refused to believe him, when the redhead had abandoned him…gotten so drunk he couldn't think straight, and had ended up in bed with Nori's servant girl.
And he heard my stupid, drunken thought that all I wanted to do in that moment was to feel someone other than him with me. Drunk or not, it was a painful betrayal and if I want to be with him, I have to deal with that pain I caused him…
He pulled back for a moment and took the noble's face in his hands, locking their eyes together.
"I know you said I didn't have to say it," he whispered, "but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you."
Byakuya sighed softly and nodded in response.
"I'm sorry too," he said, blinking slowly.
"I was wrong before," Renji went on, "when I told you there was nothing between us, and that we wouldn't be able to make this work. I think we do have all we need to hold ourselves together…and I want to try."
Byakuya's lips twitched softly, as though they wanted to smile, and his eyes warmed as Renji started kissing him again.
"I want that too," he whispered back.
Relief settled over the redhead as the heavy emotion around his soul bonded's heart fell away and Byakuya became as calm and relaxed inside as he was on the surface. The noble's graceful hands rose and the slender fingers quietly explored the redhead's newly returned tattoos as Renji carefully prepared him, then sank down between his parted thighs.
And this time, he looked affectionately into the dark, lovely eyes as he took Byakuya. He wished, with a twinge of guilt that he had done it this way before, because the noble's eyes went from beautiful to achingly entrancing as they misted and hazed over with growing arousal. He clung to the redhead's shoulders as Renji entered him with short, gentle thrusts that left him panting softly and nearly undone.
He sank deeply into the noble's open mouth and devoured a hungry moan, then began thrusting into him. A groan of contentment escaped him as the noble's hands slid down his body and settled onto his hips, pulling them in harder and faster as the intensity of their pleasure grew. He lifted himself slightly, angling his thrusts so that he thrust into the center of pleasure inside the noble. Byakuya gasped, then released a wave of soft, passionate cries as hot seed erupted out of him and pulsed onto their skin. Renji clung to Byakuya's body, moaning heatedly as he held himself deep inside the noble and emptied himself in mind numbing twinges of intense pleasure. He collapsed breathlessly onto the noble and remained there, feeding his lover soft, affectionate kisses as they drifted off in the cool shade beneath the tree. They woke as the sun was setting and rested peacefully in each other's arms, watching as the light faded and the sky filled with stars and a lovely, bright moon. Renji's hand slipped down to rest on Byakuya's abdomen again, bringing a smile to the noble's normally frowning lips.
"Byakuya," said the redhead in a soft, sleepy voice, "what do you think our kid will look like?"
"I hope he or she favors you," the noble replied, blinking and letting his eyes close, "I'm rather partial to red hair and skin that tans instead of just burning, like mine does."
"I'd like our kid to have your eyes…and your little fingers. I'd hate to see him or her stuck with my big, stubby fingers."
"Do you hear me complaining about your hands, Abarai?" the noble asked, taking one of Renji's hands and kissing his fingers one by one, "I love the way your hands feel when they touch me. As cold as I get to feeling inside sometimes, your hands warm me all of the way through, Renji."
"Good," said the redhead, sinking his fingers into the noble's soft, black hair and pulling him into a long, wet kiss, "You've been alone for long enough. I think we both deserve to be happy. And I think we can be now. Now that we've gotten away from those people. I know we can't stay away forever…that eventually we have to go back and face them, but we'll be stronger then. And they'll realize then that they can't come between us anymore."
"No," Byakuya agreed solemnly, "They can't."
They drifted off for a time, then Renji woke and, mindful of Byakuya's condition, slipped back into the house to make something for the two of them to eat. When he returned some time later, he found himself staring at Byakuya's bared and glowing, moonlit form that rested so contentedly beneath the tree. He hadn't the heart to wake his comfortably sleeping soul mate, so he settled down next to him and ate slowly, enjoying the cool air and the gentle shine of the moon and stars.
Byakuya woke some time later, looking uncomfortable and pale. He rose without speaking and flash stepped back into the house. Renji followed and waited until he emerged from the bathroom, still looking pale, but having regained his equilibrium. He recovered relatively quickly, and even managed to eat a little of the food Renji had prepared, before stumbling down the hallway and falling rather gracelessly into bed. He was asleep again almost immediately.
Renji chuckled softly and extinguished the lights, then secured the house and walked back to join the noble in bed. He curled around Byakuya's body, letting his hand settle over the soft, pulsing reiatsu of their baby. As he drifted towards sleep, he let that little flare of life enter his heart and found himself feeling more alive than he had since returning from the spirit dimension.
We both took a lot of damage in that place. And I wondered at the time why the hell we would have been chosen. We were…and we are still worlds apart in many ways. But in other ways, Byakuya and I complement each other. We complete each other. And I guess that explains it…why we can take the little that we started with and turn it into a family. Neither of us really had a close family growing up. His parents died, leaving him with those stuffy elders running his life, and I didn't have a family at all…well, except for the group of us kids that stuck together to survive. But even though we didn't have it ourselves, I think we know what a family feels like. And we're going to have that, despite whatever nasty tricks those people have up their sleeves.
We just have to watch out for each other…
We just have to take care of each other…
I want to now.