It had come to amaze her the number of people who utilized the services of the Mental Health Department within the service. It wasn't just those who worked in the field but office staff as well as family members. She'd known that counseling was available but not to the degree that it was. More because she'd been careful to avoid not only talk of the benefit but the floor as well. It was easier to not venture up there than get sucked into one of the rooms.
When had Mental Health gotten such a stigma? That it was a sign of weakness to get help. That you couldn't cut it in your specific job functions. Which meant that a lot of people believed if you free willingly sought out the assistance of those upstairs, you'd find yourself on the unemployment line. She had believed that. Probably still would if she was forced to take sessions with that woman who had been here before. But this new social worker was better. More understanding. More human.
As it was she was sitting here of her own free will. Her normal appointments were in the morning; cut out of her work schedule every Monday. But she'd had to reschedule due to a work emergency. Isaac had been more than just a little understanding, offering to just skip the appointment completely. After all, work emergencies were a valid reason to miss these appointments in the eyes of HR. But she hadn't wanted to miss this week's session. And so he'd given her the option of coming in that night at seven.
She'd opted for the later appointment. Harry had a meeting with the DG over the latest stunt the Home Office had pulled. It was that stunt which had caused their frantic day of searching and chasing leads that didn't exist. A waste of time and resources in not only the eyes of herself and fellow work mates but also for Harry. And so he was going to make his point known and wouldn't get done until late. Her plan had initially been to go to the book store closest to home and browse for a bit but the therapy session was better. There wasn't anything she needed at the book store. Not now anyways.
This was why she was currently sitting in the waiting room next to a toddler and his coloring book. No parent. Just the toddler. Of course with the security in the building it was highly unlikely that anyone would just walk off with him. But still. Who left a toddler sitting on the floor of a waiting room coloring? Alone aside from a strange woman and the receptionist? Were people still that trusting? She didn't think she could be anymore. Not after all she had seen.
Ruth had brought a book to read but the sight of the toddler had gotten her thinking. Not only about who could leave such a small, innocent, and vulnerable human being out in the open with not protection but also about a baby. A baby with Harry. What they would look like. Would they have his fair hair and dark eyes? Or maybe her darker hair and lighter eyes? Or could they be a combination of both? His light hair and her light eyes? Or her dark hair and his dark eyes? Maybe neither but some other genetic cocktail that was purely a unique human being with no physical ties to either of their parents?
And speaking of genetics what kind of personality would their child have? Or life? They both saw things that would traumatize a normal person. They didn't work normal hours or even normal days. Their social life was highly limited and their circle of friends even more so. Would it even be fair to bring a child into the chaos that generally surrounded them? Adam and Fiona had done so. And they were making it work. Albeit with a few road blocks but it was working. And Wes was a well adjusted, fun loving little boy. But neither of them were the Head of Section D or his Senior Analyst. People didn't talk about them behind their back. Or if they did, it was always about how happy they looked; how much in love they were. That wouldn't happen with Harry and her. It wouldn't be their luck.
When they did have a child together would she have to leave her job"? She loved what she did. Loved reading over the information and finding connections that helped the others. Loved digging through data, slipping into places she shouldn't be and finding something that would solve the greater puzzle. She was good at it, even excelled. And yes would she have to leave? Would Harry even consider her continuing to work or would she have to give everything up? And if she didn't was she condemning their child to a life without either of its parents?
She was confused. She wanted a child with Harry. Knew it in her heart. It was her mind that was doubting it. Trying to talk her out of it. But unlike her fear of Harry leaving her she knew he would never leave their child. The fear that had her saying wait to Harry about marrying him wasn't there when she thought of a baby. She knew how torn up he was over his relationship with his children. Knew how he suffered from the mistakes that he had made. And she knew that he had learned from those mistakes. Any child they had together would have two loving parents in their life and would know it. Even if Harry and her weren't together.
That was why it was so easy to say yes to having a child with him when she couldn't say yes to marrying him. When she'd gone into this relationship she had gone into it with the intent of enjoying it while it lasted. Taking everything she could. She knew that there was no one else for her but Harry. Loving someone; trusting someone; wasn't easy for her. This was it. Harry was the end for her. And she wanted a child. Wanted children. Wanted a little person who would share her unconditional love even with her eccentric-ness; someone to nurture and care for and watch grow. This was her chance.
Two months into this relationship might seem soon. It was. But she'd been in love with Harry for months. Maybe even years. She couldn't pin point the exact moment she'd fallen in love with him; it had just happened. And so two months was nothing. Anyone else and she'd never consider it. Wouldn't even think about it for months. Funny how things worked.
"I'm glad you came in Ruth. We really need to talk about this." Shifting in his chair, Isaac looked over his glasses at the woman sitting across from him.
"We really don't. I just thought it was important to keep you up to date on what's been going on in my life. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right?"
Looking up from his pad of paper, he nodded and smiled. "Yes but most people don't spend the first twenty minutes telling me how they've gone from barely talking to the man they're in a relationship with to promising to accept their proposal in five months time and having a child with the same man."
"We're not pregnant yet."
"No, you're not. But you just told me that you want to be. That Harry wants to be."
"Yes but there is a difference."
"I know there is. A small one but a difference none the less. But I need you to help me to understand something."
Folding the blue and cream cushion into her lap, she looked towards him; not at him; and nodded.
"Help me understand your reasoning."
"What's there to understand?"
"Harry asked you to marry him?"
"Yes, he did. Twice."
"And you told him no."
"I told him not yet. There's a difference."
"Again yes, there's a small difference but it's still a no at this point in time."
"I told him - promised him - that I'd say yes if he asks me again in five months."
"So you won't marry him right now?"
"I can't."
Pulling his glasses from his face, he held them in his hand and watched her. "But you can have a child with him? Want to even?"
"Having a child and getting married is two totally different things. It's entirely too early to even consider getting married."
Tapping the arm of his glasses against his lips, he thought for a moment before speaking. "But you don't think it's too soon to have a child together?"
"I...it's just...the reasons not important. Anyone but Harry and it'd be too early but this is Harry we're talking about."
"Ruth, I'm not judging you. Honestly. I'm trying to understand how one is different than the other. For most people, having a child together would be a bigger commitment."
Fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, she nodded and looked down. "It is."
"So you want to make a commitment to Harry? Just not marriage?"
"I...just. I don't know!"
"If you're not sure than having a child together is not what you want to be doing. Not until you're sure."
"I am sure about committing to Harry. I'm just scared."
"What are you scared of? That he'll leave you if you don't agree to having a child now? Because from what you've told me about him, that doesn't seem likely. He's not going to force you to do anything your uncomfortable with."
"No, that's not it. I'm not scared of having a child with him. The idea has been growing on me. And I like it. It's like this warm feeling inside. That he cares about me enough to want to procreate."
Folding his glasses, he placed them on the table next to him. "Than what are you scared of? I can't help you unless you tell me. Contrary to popular belief, I can't read minds just because I'm a therapist."
Tracing the pattern on the pillow, she thought for a moment before lifting her eyes and meeting his for the first time this session.
"I'm scared of him leaving me. He has no plans of doing that. He's told me that repeatedly; but he's him and I'm me. One day he's going to realize that and leave."
"What do you mean by that?"
"What do you mean?"
"That he's him and you're you. What do you mean?"
"Harry's a force of nature. It's the only way to describe him. You wouldn't know it by looking at him to begin with but he is. He's comfortable as he is. Which is great. I love that about him. He's confident, intelligent, humorous when the situation warrants, loving and compassionate at the right times. He's also a skilled actor. Able to keep his feelings and emotions to himself for the most part. He's a skilled lover. Knows what he wants and goes after it. Keeps going after it until it's his. I'm none of that."
"Ruth you're selling yourself short."
"I'm not. I know I'm intelligent. I know I'm good at my job. But confident? Loving? Emotionless in the right situations? Skilled at anything besides my job? I'm not. I know that. I bring so little to this relationship. Even the house we're living in is his. Almost everything in the house is his. One day he's going to wake up and realize he's getting the short end of the deal."
"I see. Have you told Harry any of this?"
"Yes. Some." Looking down at her lap, she brushed a hand over the fabric of her skirt.
"And what did he say?"
"That he knows what he feels for me. That it's different then what he's felt for any other woman. He loves me for me. Not for any other reason. That the only thing I need to bring to this relationship is me. Everything else is secondary. That he knows he's had affairs before. Cheated on his first wife constantly. And he gets why I'm hesitant with that but he's changed. Grown. And loves me in a completely different way than he ever loved Jane."
"Then why don't you trust him?"
"What? I do trust him."
"Obviously you don't or this wouldn't be as big a deal as it is. He says he loves you, wants to take care of you, provide for you. That he wants nothing but you. Basically that nothing else matters to him but you. But you don't believe him."
"I do trust him. More than I've ever trusted anyone before. I trust him with my life."
"Then take the risk."
Confused, she looked up.
"You love and trust him. What else for you need? A guarantee? If that's what you're waiting for you're not going to get it. Or if you do it'll be a lie. Because life is not a guarantee. It's about living life for the moment that you're in. Grasping onto what you want; onto that piece of happiness; and running with it. None of us know what tomorrow is going to bring but I do know if you keep holding back because of this fear, you will lose him. It will drive a wedge between you that is unrepairable. So if you're willing to have a child with him; what to be with him; than marry him."
"But what about what everyone else thinks?" Voicing her other worry.
"What about them?"
"So much has happened in the last six months. People are already talking about it. Saying how I've made it all up for attention. That I've brought all this on myself. What are they going to say when Harry and I suddenly get engaged?"
"Does it matter? Let them talk."
"But I work with a lot of these people. See them on an almost daily basis. Interact with them."
"Are you marrying them? Or are you marrying Harry?"
"Harry but..."
"There's no but about it. This is between you and Harry. No one else. What they think doesn't matter."
"It's not that simple."
"Ruth we can go round and round till we're blue in the face. But it's not going to change anything. Let me ask you something and you can only answer yes or no. Do you love Harry?"
"Yes."
"Do you see yourself with anyone but Harry?"
"No."
"Do you want to marry him one day?"
"Yes."
"Will you change your mind about marry him in five months?"
"No but..."
Shaking his head, he lifted his hand and paused for a moment. "Yes or no Ruth. That's it. Do you love Harry?"
Frustrated at having to repeat herself, she nodded. "Yes."
"Do you see yourself with anyone but Harry?"
"No."
"Do you want to marry him one day?"
"Yes."
"Will you change your mind in five months?"
"No."
"Does Harry love you?"
"He says he does."
"You're an intelligent woman Ruth so I shouldn't have to repeat myself. Yes or no. That's it. No reasoning, no thinking. Yes or no. That's all that should come out of your mouth. Now, do you love Harry?"
"Yes!"
"Do you see yourself with anyone but Harry?"
"No."
"Do you want to marry him one day?"
"Yes."
Will you change your mind in five months?"
"No."
"Does Harry love you?"
"Yes."
"To the best of your knowledge does he see himself with anyone but you?"
"No."
"And will he change his mind about marrying you in five months? Yes or no."
"No."
"Does he want to marry you?"
"Yes."
"So the basic theme here is you and Harry both love each other; no one else; and neither of you can see yourself with anyone else. You both want to be together and we've established you both want to be married. It's as simple as that. You're over thinking it and making it more than it needs to be. You and Harry should be together."
With a sigh, she realized he was right. It was that simple and five months wasn't going to change anything. There was just one other thing..."
"What about the trial?"
"What about it? You being with Harry shouldn't effect that."
"But the prosecution said..."
"Ruth not to downplay any of this but your relationship with Harry is minor in the grand scheme of things. Whether you are in a loving relationship with a man you're going to marry or not should not affect a trial. If it does than someone hasn't been doing their job."
"I was told any relationship could change things."
"What does it change? You were in a relationship with Peter. He got violent. You ended things. He didn't take that very well and started stalking you. Kidnapped you. Burned down you house and eventually tried to strangle you to death with his hands. You were single through all that. You didn't cheat on Peter or lead him on. And even if you did, it gives him no right to do what he did."
"I...you're right."
"Good. Now, we still have another ten minutes. What else has been going on?"
The lights were on as Ruth parked the SUV in the drive way. Harry was home. Climbing from the vehicle, she pulled her coat tighter and hurried up the path. Winter was at its peak and though the snow had stopped falling, the temperatures were still dropping. Climbing the steps, she placed her key in the lock and opened the door. Shutting it behind her, she reset the alarm and shrugged out of her coat. The house was warm; inviting; and she could hear Harry in the kitchen.
Walking down the hall she paused in the doorway and watched. It wasn't every night he beat her home. Most nights, if she wasn't home first, than they came home together. Which meant she normally prepared their dinner. On the rare occasions he had gotten home first, take away was on the menu. But not tonight. Tonight Harry was in the kitchen, shirt sleeves rolled up to show his forearms and untucked from his trousers. Shoes gone, he stood in his stocking feet, his back to her. Sure it looked like they were having tuna and crisps for dinner but that didn't matter. Harry was making it.
Without turning around he spoke. "How was therapy?"
Not asking how he knew she was there, she took a deep breath and smiled at his back. "Marry me."
AN: I know, evil place to end. But it seemed like such a perfect place. =0) Many people questioned how Ruth could come to have a child with Harry but think it's too soon for them to get married. I hope this helped explain it some. Thank you all for the reviews, I'm positively blown away by the feedback I've gotten so far; both good and bad; and I'm happy to see people reading it.