Happy Almost-Easter! Have a chapter :D

"Kamaete!"

Raphael clenched his jaw and kept his eyes narrowed on his sensei as the old rat bent his knees and held his hands up at the ready, prepared to engage in combat. Raph on the other hand, stood in the middle of the dojo with a glower and kept his arms by his sides, though his fists remained curled.

"I don't feel like doing this right now, Sensei. I'm not in the mood," he said, not altogether respectively as might have been the smart thing to do. He'd known he was in for it the moment his father had directed him toward the dojo, but his mind was reeling with so many other frustrations, that he could have cared less what his sensei had planned for him.

Splinter didn't break his posture. "You were in the mood to fight my daughter were you not?" he said shrewdly. "I should think you would be grateful for a more challenging opponent … Kamaete!"

Raph muffled a growl in his chest and brought his fists up reluctantly. He set his lips and waited, but not for very long. No sooner had his sensei given the word to begin than he found himself flipping over and landing hard on his plastron. His chin struck the cement, chattering his teeth, and he hissed at the pain, reaching up to rub his jaw.

"Again," Splinter said.

Raphael gritted his teeth and pushed himself to his feet, quicker this time to face his father at the ready.

"Hajime!"

Raph just barely ducked a blindingly fast punch but choked as the next one struck him in the throat. He stumbled back a couple of steps and spun out of the way as the rat charged forward with yet another punch, only to have his foot yanked out from beneath him by Splinter's tail. His shell took the impact of the fall this time and forced the air out of his lungs.

"Again!"

The hint of anger in his sensei's voice only made the fire in Raphael burn brighter, as though he was feeding off of his father's energy. He pressed his palms to the floor by his head and propelled himself back onto his feet, not bothering to wait for the order this time. He ran forward with an audible growl and swung at his master with all the force he could muster. Splinter shifted effortlessly out of the way and pushed away Raph's foot when he swung a kick. The turtle used that momentum to spin around and swing with the other foot, just barely skimming the rat's chest with his heel. He ran forward again and Splinter caught his punch this time, gave one quick twist to his arm, and kicked him in the plastron, sending him skidding across the room.

"Again, Raphael. Get up!"

Raph gritted his teeth, glaring at the wall. He breathed in sharply through his nose before pounding a fist on the floor and jumping back to his feet. This time, when he charged, it was with a raging battle cry that bubbled up from his stomach and surged forward with anger. His punches were all deflected, his kicks all dodged, his spins and flips completely useless. But he continued to strike out at his sensei blindly, fueled with the blare of rage that only grew with every passing second that his fists hit nothing but air. His face began to burn and his muscles yanked and pulled, groaning as his momentum threw him toward absent spaces that refused to catch him. Those muscles longed to hit something and to make that something hurt, and he didn't care if that something was his father. Splinter could take it and Raphael knew that, and it only made him angrier that he couldn't get in one measly hit. This was stupid. The old rat wasn't even fighting back anymore.

He put everything he had into his fists, certain that Splinter would tire of dodging at some point. But when he swung out with a right hook for what felt like the hundredth time, Splinter disappeared yet again and Raph's knuckles slammed into the trunk of the tree. A cry of pain burst from his chest and he faltered back a couple of steps. A sting immediately attacked his eyes and he felt a pressure building up in his chest so intense that it turned every excess noise into a high-pitched whir, and he didn't even realize that he'd yanked a shuriken out of his belt and flung it straight for his sensei's head until it hit the opposite wall with a thunk and embedded itself into the cement.

He paid no mind to Splinter's expression of surprise, but instead took advantage of his hesitation and barreled toward him. He fully intended to tackle his sensei to the ground, sink his fist into him somehow. But Splinter stood firm, and Raphael was completely taken aback when the strike completely missed and his father caught him instead and folded his arms around him.

And, just like that, it was over.

Stunned, it took a moment for Raph to realize that he was clutching his sensei around the middle, his fingers curled tightly around bunches of his robe, as though he had been the one to initiate the hug. He panted roughly, his face pressed against his father's warm chest, eyes wide and stinging. He felt himself shaking, and Splinter closed his arms more securely and stroked the back of his head with a thumb. He said nothing, and it was exactly the fullness of his silence that finally made Raphael grimace and succumb to the embrace with the smallest of moans.

"Tell me what I should do for you, Raphael," Splinter said, his voice soft. And yet Raph could swear he heard desperation. "I know we do not talk often, but it has not escaped my attention that you are full of an alarming amount of turmoil for someone so young. I would like to help you. Your anger is so easily ignited, and I fear sometimes that you forget we are all here to support you … Tell me what is troubling you, my son."

Raph shuddered, torn between refusing to answer and telling his father the truth simply to keep him there. Splinter rarely hugged any of them like this and of course the red-banded turtle would never admit how much he sometimes longed for it. But he couldn't allow such tenderness to bully him into admitting to his father what was truly going on. Sure Splinter would be none too surprised to know that Raph and Leo were fighting, but Raphael was not at all inclined to enlighten his father on a secret he'd been harboring for years. Splinter must not know … Never.

So the turtle took in one last breath of his father's scent and then pulled himself away. He turned his shell to Splinter and crossed his arms, sniffing once. The sting in his eyes had gone, but now there was a knot in his throat the size of a golf ball, and the beat of his heart against his Adam's apple did nothing to help that. He sucked in a breath through his nose.

"Nothing's troubling me, Sensei," he said in a broken voice that was not at all convincing and sounded nothing like his usual tone of belligerence. He swallowed.

"Raphael—"

"You wouldn't understand," he said before he could stop himself. He hunched his shoulders to his neck and waited for his father to question him further, but he heard nothing but a lingering silence that made his arms itch.

"Then perhaps," Splinter spoke quietly, in a voice that Raph couldn't help but notice sounded slightly crestfallen. "You should talk to your brother."

Raph's nose twitched and he looked over his shoulder. "I don't think talking to Leo would make anything better, Sensei. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'd do the exact opposite."

"I was not speaking of Leonardo."

Raph blinked.

Splinter held his gaze for a moment then walked toward the entrance of the dojo and raised his voice. "Donatello, koko ni kite!"

"Just a sec!"

Raphael furrowed his brow as his sensei met his gaze again. "Donnie?"

"It is my understanding that he is an exceptional listener. And I should think that, if I am not to understand something, Donatello will."

Raph's stomach turned. "But—"

"Hai, Sensei?" Donnie poked his head into the dojo, his eyes immediately glancing toward Raph though the red-banded turtle could tell he tried not to do so.

"Your brother would like to speak with you," Splinter said, quite casually considering the tone hovering around the room.

Donnie's eyes turned onto Raphael now who pursed his lips and dropped his gaze. He tightened his arms across his plastron.

"Oh … Okay."

Raph caught a glimpse of his father bowing his head. "I think I will go and have some tea," said the rat, though neither of the boys were oblivious to what this meant. He might as well have just said, "I'm going to have a talk with Leonardo now."

Either way, he exited the room with all the usual silence, leaving Donnie and Raph to accidentally meet awkward glances every couple of seconds as they fidgeted where they stood. Raph tensed.

He didn't want to talk to Donnie. They hadn't carried out an actual conversation since Raph had apologized for nearly getting him and Leo killed. They may have exchanged a "Pass me a slice of pizza" or "Where's Leo" or "Splinter wants to talk to you" on a number of occasions, but that had been about it for more than a month now. And it wasn't like they were intentionally ignoring each other. Raph was eighty percent sure Donnie had forgiven him. It just seemed to take more effort to start up a conversation between the two of them now, and they'd spent that effort on other things.

He scratched at the back of his head, glancing toward the entrance again, and noticed Donnie peeking around the room and shifting his feet. His hand pulled on the strap across his plastron and the way he stood gave his shoulders a hunch that curved his back, as though he was leaning forward. It was strange. Despite being the tallest of all of them, Donnie could make himself look so small sometimes.

"So …" said the purple-banded turtle. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I didn't," Raph said quickly, turning to plop down at the base of the tree. He pulled out a sai and pretended to pay more attention to balancing the tip of it on his finger.

"Oh."

There was silence, and it seemed for a second that Donnie would actually turn to leave, but, for reasons Raph would never be able to explain, he somehow found himself speaking before his brother could do so.

"What did Leo tell you?"

Donnie blinked back across the room. "I'm sorry?"

Raph clutched the sai in his fist and frowned. "You're his best friend now aren't you? He talks to you about everything. How much has he told you?"

Donnie stared and kept fidgeting with the strap across his plastron.

Raph sighed and leaned back against the tree. "Come sit down, you dork."

He didn't watch as Donnie shuffled across the room, but was kind of surprised by how fast he closed the distance between them. He took a seat beside Raphael and crossed his legs with a quiet exhale.

"I'm not gonna pound ya cuz Leo snitched," Raph said. "I just wanna know that we're on the same page."

Donnie shifted, staring down at the rug beneath them. "I believe we are."

Raph nodded and poked his foot with his sai. "So you know …"

"How you feel about him? Yes."

The older turtle pursed his lips. "And he told you about last night and … this morning?"

"What he could get in." Donnie shrugged. "He'd just finished ranting about the argument you had before um … we were interrupted. He didn't get to say how it ended."

Raph turned his face away, hoping his younger brother wouldn't catch the blush in his cheeks. He sighed. "If I didn't tell you now, he'd tell you later wouldn't he?"

He turned his eyes back on his brother who stared at him with a very open gaze. "Yes," Donnie said.

Raph's stomach turned. "I uh …" He exhaled through his nose and rubbed at the back of his neck. "I kinda, you know …" He shrugged, then closed his eyes and sighed again, dropping his hands into his lap. "I kissed him."

Donnie said nothing. So Raph plowed forward.

"I don't know what came over me. I just thought that maybe if I did he'd forget about Karai, you know? He'd stop worrying about her so much and realize that I …" He grimaced and swallowed, shrugging again. "I dunno, that I'm here. He doesn't need her. And all she does is mess with his head. Whether she means to or not," he added bitterly. "She's no good for him, and I … Yeah, I'm jealous, so what? I mean he should've known I would be. Hell, I was jealous of you just for spending so much time with him. It's just … It isn't fair."

His voice quivered and his eyes began to burn again. He turned his face away so that Donnie wouldn't see. Why was he even talking to Donatello about this? Wasn't Donnie on Leo's side? He was probably just sitting here thinking about how pathetic Raph was for thinking Leo might actually feel the same way he felt someday. It was ridiculous. Leo was supposed to be his brother. This whole thing was taboo. Why bother?

Raph swallowed and rigidly got to his feet, keeping his head turned away from Donatello.

"You know what? Never mind, we don't need to talk about it."

"Raph—"

The red-clad turtle shook his head and swiped a hand behind him to ward Donnie off when the genius stood too. "No, forget it. You wouldn't understand anyway."

He began to walk away, wiping his face for good measure as he did so, but he stopped when he heard Donnie's voice respond quietly, in a tone that wasn't very Donnie-esque. "Seriously?"

Raph turned around to find those brown eyes glaring at him with full-fledged shame. Donnie shook his head. "I wouldn't understand?" he said.

Raph blinked but said nothing.

"I wouldn't understand what it's like to love someone who couldn't possibly love me back? Who has every reason not to give me a second glance? I wouldn't understand what it's like to be their best friend for what feels like years, never telling them how I feel because I'm afraid to lose them altogether? I couldn't possibly know what it feels like to be pushed into the background when someone new comes along, someone who would make so much more sense being with that person that I'm in love with—that I've been in love with, who doesn't seem to want to give me the time of day when that other person is around, even though I've always been there and I've put so much effort into being there. And why do I stick around? Why do I still love them? Apparently, I don't know, Raph, because I wouldn't understand."

Raph stared, unsure what to say, because he was thrown off guard by the burn of frustration that blossomed across Donnie's beak. The purple-banded turtle didn't seem to acknowledge it, nor did he try to hide the fact that he was sensitive about this, and for that, Raph suddenly realized that maybe he'd been wrong about his younger brother for a very long time. He never thought he'd actually consciously admire something about Donatello.

"I … I'm sorry, Donnie," Raph said. "I forgot."

Donnie nodded, rubbing a fist across his cheek as though that could wipe away the blush. "Yeah, you would. Everyone has lately … I get that I'm not your favorite person in the world, and to be honest you're not mine, Raphael." He shook his head, his eyes shifting now. "I don't think you understand how much time Leo spends thinking about you. Yes, he talks to me—he talks a lot, and you're all that he talks about. Maybe he mentions Karai, but it's only in conjunction with you not getting along with her. It frustrates him. And what frustrates me is that he won't shut up anymore. I don't mind talking to him. I don't mind listening to him. But you know Leo as well as I do, and it's no secret that he tends to get caught up in his own problems. He can forget that other people have feelings too. I'm jealous of you, Raph, because for you he's never forgotten that. He knows you're unhappy. He just doesn't know how to resolve that and be happy with himself at the same time. But me?" He shrugged. "Ever since we got Karai back, it's been about you and her. So I wouldn't worry about me."

Raph furrowed his brow. "You don't talk to him about April?"

Donnie crossed his arms and shook his head. "Not much anymore. He's been very focused on you being an asshole."

Raph grimaced and glanced away, peering down at the rug beneath his feet. "So he actually calls me that?" he said, peeking back at Donnie through the corner of his eye.

"Yeah."

Raph pressed his lips together and nodded. His grip tightened around his sai and he swung out a kick at nothing before pacing a few steps away from Donnie. He stopped just before he reached the wall and tensed his shoulders. "He hates me."

Donnie made a noise somewhere between a scoff and a groan. "God I swear you guys are so stupid sometimes."

Raph furrowed his brow and looked back over his shoulder. Donnie had his arms crossed and was looking more his actual height now.

"Leo doesn't hate you, Raph. In fact, he's afraid that you hate him." Donnie shook his head. "You guys spend so much time arguing that you don't even notice you have the same feelings. He wants you to be happy, alright? And it bothers him that you're not. So maybe he doesn't completely get why it bothers him, but you could do him a favor by showing a little bit of patience, Raph, and it wouldn't hurt if you cooperated every once in a while. I mean if you and Leo would just …"

He paused, baring his teeth as though he was struggling with the fact that nobody else was getting what he was getting. He finally breathed out through his nose and tossed his hands.

"Just sit down and shut up and try to understand each other for five minutes instead of whining about how unfair Leo's being to you or how unfair you're being to him. It would fix so many problems."

Raph frowned and grimaced down at his feet. "It's not that easy, Don."

"And why not?" Donnie said.

Raph clenched his jaw and turned back around. "It just isn't, okay? I mean come on, Donnie, you know us. We can't stand in the same room for five minutes, let alone sit down and talk. Look at what just happened," he said, waving a hand in the general direction of the common room.

"That happened because you have no sense of self-control, Raph," Donnie said.

"That's exactly my point! I am an asshole. It's not like I mean to be. I just don't know how to do anything else …" Raph sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall as he stuffed his arms back over his chest again. He swallowed past that knot that had never really left. "I wouldn't be surprised if Leo did hate me. It's not like I've done very much to earn his affection or whatever—other than nearly getting him killed and refusing to get suckered by Karai. I pick a lot of fights, okay, I'll admit that." He opened his eyes and pushed away from the wall. "I just … I don't know what else to do. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly good at being nice and understanding."

He locked his jaw and stared across the room at Donatello who stared back. The muscle in his chest moaned that he was making himself too vulnerable—and in front of Donnie of all people. He felt incredibly exposed talking to his brother about this, but he really didn't know what else to do. And who knew, maybe Leo was onto something. Maybe he'd actually gained a bit of insight from spending so much time with their nerdy younger brother. And Splinter wasn't all wrong. Donnie did tend to understand a lot of things. Point being, the moment Leo had stormed out of his room, Raph had realized he was getting nowhere with him … and maybe he could use a smidgen of advice—just this once.

Donatello's lips shifted to the side and, without blinking, he turned on his heel and started toward the archway leading out of the dojo. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

Raph hesitated but followed.

April and Karai were still in the common room, carrying out a conversation with one another that paused when Raph and Donnie emerged. Donatello didn't acknowledge them, so Raph didn't either. It burned his insides to pass so close by Karai, but he forced his glare down at the ground and kept his arms wrapped around his torso. He practically held his breath as he and his brother silently passed through the common room, and only let it go when they were safe and secluded in Donnie's room.

Raph watched his younger brother kneel down on the floor and reach beneath his bed. He pulled out a dented tin lunchbox and gestured for Raph to come closer. The older turtle obeyed and hovered next to his brother over the bed as Donnie opened the lunchbox and dumped out a collection of scrap pieces of paper. They made a nice-sized pile on top of the comforter, enough that Raph wouldn't have bothered to waste his time counting them. And it took him a moment of indifferent staring before he realized what he was looking at. He furrowed his brow and picked up one of the slips. On it was his own handwriting, sloppily spelling out the words I'm sorry.

Something in the red turtle's chest twisted uncomfortably and he knelt down and shifted through the pile of apologies. Donnie joined him and watched in silence as Raph checked each slip, as though making sure they did indeed all contain his chicken scratch. He picked up one that looked particularly old, the letters written so horribly that he knew he had to have been young when he wrote the note.

"You kept these?" he said.

"Yeah." Donnie reached over and touched the slip in his hand. "That was when you gave me a nosebleed trying to take the controller for that toy car I put together. I think we were, what, like six?"

Raph shrugged, admittedly too stupefied to comment. Donnie shuffled through the pile and picked out a slip that the red-banded turtle could actually remember writing.

"This was the most recent one," Donnie said. "From when you threw that rock at my head." He looked down at it in fondness, his brown eyes tender, and after a moment set the paper down and looked to Raph, who stared back in astonishment and found himself shaking his head.

"I … I don't … Why?"

Donnie shrugged. "Because it's so easy to get mad at you," he said, a smile touching the corner of his lips. "You can be an asshole, Raph. I won't deny that. But you're not all bad, and these remind me of that. And what's funny is I only remember that I have them when you're being a jerk. And it helps me stay patient with you and remember that you're just as flawed as I am, as Leo is, as Mikey is, but you're also just as good. And you have a commendable heart in there." He reached out and touched a finger to Raph's plastron. "I think it just gets buried under a lot of denial. You create a shell to protect yourself from pain and vulnerability and it makes you come off as hard-hearted sometimes, but you're not. You're a good guy, Raphael, and if you want my opinion, you and Leo deserve each other."

Raph blinked, but couldn't find the words to respond.

"You know him," Donnie continued. "You know how he works. You know what he likes. And despite how much trouble you give him, you can still manage to make him laugh. You keep him grounded, and you constantly remind him that he's not perfect, but that's okay to you. And you're a challenge that he can handle, but not without making him stronger first." He nodded confidently. "You're good for him. My advice to you is to allow him to see that without smothering him with it. And don't worry so much about how he feels about you. You're his brother, and he'll always love you because of that."

Raph grimaced as another burn came to his eyes. That knot in his throat seemed to have gotten bigger and he couldn't fit any words past it. Okay. He was a man of action anyway.

He started to reach out to his brother, but stopped as his muscles contracted and made him stiffen. He pressed his lips together and his eyes darted around because he'd suddenly remembered that this was Donatello kneeling next to him, and for some reason that little detail made him forget everything he knew about how to show gratitude. His heart stuttered and he just sat there, unsure what to do with himself, his arms hanging by his sides dumbly.

"Raph."

Raphael looked back to Donnie whose lips were turned up in a dorky smile in one corner. He opened his arms, as though to remind his older brother how a hug was supposed to start, but the funny thing was it actually worked. Raph leaned into Donnie's embrace and wrapped his arms around his shell, allowing his chin to rest on his shoulder for a minute.

It was weird. Not necessarily that he was hugging Donatello, but that it didn't feel as strange as he might've thought it would. He suddenly couldn't remember why it had been so long since this happened last. And it quickly turned into nothing more than a much-needed tender moment between him and his younger brother - as though they'd simply gotten into a fight over a toy car and were making up for it now. And yet despite how modest the hug was, it made Raph's chest tighten and his sight suddenly blur over, just as it had when he'd embraced his father moments ago.

Maybe this was a little too much hugging for one day.

He cleared his throat and pulled away, keeping his eyes to the side as he straightened his spine. "Thanks, Donnie," he mumbled quickly, hoping that it was too dark in Donnie's room for the brainy turtle to make out the emotion that was so embarrassingly slathered all over his face.

Even if not, Donnie was nice enough to overlook it and get to his feet. He set the lunchbox down on the bed. "I'll let you put this away," he said, patting Raph's shoulder as he started for the door. He paused when he opened it and looked back. "Think about what I said okay?"

Raph nodded, and Donatello flashed him a gentle smile before leaving the room.