28 of December be there..

I will probably end this story soon because:

a. Things in my life are getting busy with christmas

b. Series three is out in 22 days

c. I don't want to drag this out

I do intend to get in another couple of chapters though, but the ending is near. I hope i'm not the only one feeling this because i'd hate to cut the story short but I don't want to rewrite what happened between the two.

I am trying to work out how long the thing between Caroline and Kate had been going on before s1e01.. And to which base they had made it to before then… (fyi: 1. french, 2. feel, 3. finger, 4. fuck) any suggestions? In s2e04 Kate made it sound like they had made it to 4th base numerous times..

Anyway thank you for your continuous feedback. I intend on getting behind the emotions in this chapter.. xx

This is my own words of how i'm feeling right now: I can imagine in this chapter Caroline, in particular, would be feeling this also: "Once you think you've finally reached a decision your mind twists 180° and you forget reason."

"All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else."

-Buddha

Chapitre Six

Caroline woke the next morning feeling euphoric amongst the pain of her hangover. How on earth was she supposed to deal with her mother when feeling both like she could cry or laugh at any moment. Her mother would think she's a nutter. She herself thought she was loosing it a bit to be honest. Despite these feelings Caroline dressed in her usual attire which had a certain level of class to it and she mentally prepared herself for the morning ahead.

"Mum, you look lovely," Caroline gushed in a false rosey tone. "Mmm, I wish I could say the same about you," remarked Celia, "Just because John has left you doesn't mean you should let yourself down like this." "Uh thanks Mum, you're always such a delight…" she responded sarcastically. "Well anyway let me show you some love today and i'll take you out. Hopefully you'll feel much better after a decent meal." Caroline doubted this and it showed in her expression. Celia gave her a testing look but decided not to say anything for there would be time to talk about the ins and outs later. "Shall we go?" said Caroline signalling towards the door. "Right love," she said curtly nodding.

Unlike Caroline, Kate woke late the next morning. An intense wave of worry rushed over her. She had revealed the secret. Despite the evening going better than planned, Kate seemed to think this could be a bad thing. She had really enjoyed herself, obviously, but she doubted Caroline's sober response to the night. Caroline seemed to be the type of person that would be worrying about other's judgements on herself. She also seemed to be the type of person that could disregard a personal connection at the drop of a hat. It was fear and uncertainty the seemed to scare Caroline, Kate thought to herself. It had been almost 10 o'clock when she woke and after showing, eating and allowing her brain to mull over this all it was then 11 o'clock. Still no text from Caroline. Despite everything, Kate believed she could count on Caroline to keep her word - the promise of a text.

Kate spent the rest of the day flicking the telly on and off, staring emptily out the window and searching the house for food despite not wanting to eat. Alas at 7 o'clock her phone dinged.

Caroline

Hi. Hope you got home ok last night. I will see you at school.

Kate

Yes, I got home fine. Is everything okay with you? xx

Caroline

I'm good. Talk to you at school.

Kate was devastated. It didn't need a genius to work out that Caroline wasn't fine with Kate. Although she hoped she had got the signs wrong Kate knew she hadn't. She went to bed early and let the tears flow in a rush. Finally in the early hours of the morning she fell asleep leaving her tear stained face to dry.

After she had left her mother, Caroline tidied the house. Her boys were due to be dropped home by John at four. As she tidied and begun preparing dinner she found herself isolated with her thoughts. Kate was always kind, caring and last night she saw Kate in an entirely different light. She made her feel illuminated inside. Kate made her feel as though she is a comet and Kate is the sun. She is usually full of icy cold emotion but when she reaches the sun she feels full of light, warmth and energy. "How could something so beautiful be so wrong?" Caroline asked herself in a sad whisper. She raised her eyes to the ceiling in an attempt to prevent the flow of tears. In the midst of trying to calm herself there was a loud bang at the door and with a crash Laurence came running into the house followed by William and John. Caroline immediately put on a brave face and begun to chat to her boys about their weekend.

Caroline, after a long afternoon, retired to bed at ten. She lay in bed feeling perfectly cosy but she couldn't sleep. Too many thoughts were swirling around her angelic head. Despite the euphoric feeling Kate infused inside Caroline, she couldn't escape the doubt. She had to decide whether to take things further with Kate or let people judge her - let her family and school judge her. Both options were equally torturous. She began to feel sick as these unwanted worries twisted and warped inside her stomach. She couldn't face the truth - not to everyone else. Kate would understand eventually and they could still be friends. At last as moonlight shone through the slightly parted curtains she decided.

A bleak morning awaited the pair of women when the woke - due to the weather and the events that lay ahead that day. Reality slowly washed over the women as they woke. Kate felt emptiness building up inside her. The was a space beside her in her bed that she wished Caroline would fill. But despite the wishing reality was stuck.

Caroline, regardless of the overpowering feeling Kate left her with, knew she had made the right decision. She arrived at work punctually. While strutting through the school and into her office Caroline left a wave of her captivating breezy presence to those she swept past. She felt poised. What she had to do was necessary. With a few taps on her cellphone she flicked Kate a message asking her to come to her office second period as she had a free.

Caroline

Kate, could you please come to my office in your free period this morning. We need to talk.

Kate

Okay x

Kate

Is everything okay? Are you okay?

Caroline

I'm fine. I'll talk to you then

Kate was worried. No matter how much she wished it wasn't true she couldn't free her mind of the thought that this was the end of the beginning. It wasn't what Caroline wanted. She wasn't what Caroline wanted. First period dragged along and the students seem to get on her nerves more than usual. Her mind was preoccupied.

Kate briskly walked down the empty corridor as second period commenced. The soft pat of her flats seem to echo continuously. Everything seemed negatively distorted. She reached Caroline's office and Beverley let her through. Kate paused before the door. She knew deep down what was coming.

Reluctantly, Kate pushed the door open. Caroline sat quietly at her desk. The atmosphere in the room confirmed Kate's worries. "Kate," Caroline begun, "sit." She surveyed Kate's expression and added, "please," in a croaky voice. She sat in the chair she had occupied numerous times before, but this time it was different. "Kate," she repeated, "I uh.. mmm.. the other night was uh really something different." She started at Kate intensely for she wish she could take away her pain. Her was after all her fault. She led Kate on and now this was her mess. Caroline continued in a forced voice, "It shouldn't have happened. I think that whatever this is it will pass. I was never ethical nor appropriate for me to lead you on like that. I would still very much like us to be friends."

Kate couldn't side whether to tell Caroline to go fuck herself or agree. At least with the latter option she would still get to see her. With all Caroline's faults and her ability to be a bit precious of her public image, Kate still liked her. More than liked her, she was standing on the fine line between like and love. She would do anything to still spend time with the alluring, captivating woman that sat before her. "Okay," Kate whispered sadly to Caroline's mess of a statement. "I better get back to it all then," continued Kate. She didn't want Caroline to see her cry. It would reveal the deep emotion she felt for her.

Caroline felt cruel. She had just devastated one of, if not the most beautiful woman ever to grace the Earth. The planets and stars came crashing down at once when Kate eagerly left. The weight of the world seemed to be on Caroline's shoulders. The crushing feeling in her chest squeezed and compressed her insides - her heart. The diamond tears flowed in a steady rush. Despite the both empty and full of emotion feeling that etched it's way into Caroline's chest, she knew she had made the right decision. Hadn't she? It was either to be with Kate and face the brutal reality of judgement or be without her.

At lunch break Caroline's phone buzzed. It had startled her. A rush of hope filled up inside her. Laurence the phone highlighted in bold. The flush of blood dropped suddenly.

Laurence

Mum. Angus txted his mum, she said I can stay there tonight. Hope thats ok. Btw Will studying at some mates tonight for the English assignment. He says he's gonna catch a bus home. Love ya

A tear slid down Caroline's face. After everything she seems to be pushing her boys away too. The two people she thought she could and would never lose, she appeared to be losing. How was she ever going to get through this. She rested her perfect face in her hands and stared out the window. A far away look slowly appeared on her face. She let her mind wander back to the night. As soon as her mind reached the memory she shook her head. She couldn't use that to escape her reality; especially since she threw that relationship away.

The clock seemed to travel endlessly around the solar system - hardly passing any minutes. Eventually after a small infinity Caroline was driving herself home, alone, after a day from hell. She felt like she was stuck on pluto- confined, alone and so far away from reality. She turned up the radio in an attempt to break the mind-numbing silence. Eurythmics' - Sweet Dreams song drew to a close. She felt like she was used and abused by John. However, she felt that she had used and abused Kate. The very same song Kate and her danced and kissed to that night began to play - Madonna's Into the Groove. She thought she was imagining it, for she wished so hard she could return to that night. But this was reality and the song was really playing.

Music can be such a revelation

Dancing around you feel the sweet sensation

We might be lovers if the rhythms right

I hope this feeling never ends tonight

It was uncanny the connection between this song and Caroline's thoughts. It was also incredibly bizarre how Caroline hadn't heard this song for years and now she hears it twice within a couple of days. It's strange how this world works Caroline thought to herself. She couldn't help thinking that this was a sign. The lyrics imbedded themselves in her thoughts. The feeling that she felt towards Kate that night never ended, it only deepened. Could it be the beginning of love?

She had been focussing so hard on her thoughts, she hardly realised she was crying until she felt the dampness on her forever glowing cheeks. She felt like she was Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole when she was with Kate. She wondered how deep she could fall. Would she end up somewhere beautiful? It was worth the risk to find out. Kate was worth the risk.

"Kate, I am so bloody sorry," Caroline cried down the phone in a rush. "What for?" Kate pretended she had no idea what Caroline meant. She felt a tinge of anger towards her. "For treating you the way I did. I think that.. mm.. something special happened Saturday night. I want to see how far it will go. I want to make it work. Sod what everyone might think. I want you Kate McKenzie." Kate couldn't be angry with her. Caroline scarcely spoke of Kate, especially not like this. Tears welled up in Kate's eyes, all she could manage was a soft, "okay." "Would you like to come over tonight? I could cook dinner.. the boys are out. Laurence at Angus' and William is studying, he'll be home later on, probably closer to ten. Would you.. does that sound okay?" Kate was slowly getting used to Caroline's moods that changed quicker than the sun rose and set. It was all worth it. "Sure, i'll be there in 15." "Okay." Caroline's mood lightened. Kate was all she could think of. She made her completely and entirely happy. "I'll see you then," Caroline spoke in her usual alluring tone.

The stars danced inside Caroline's eyes. Something this beautiful surely wasn't wrong.

ps. For those who don't know these lyrics are repeated in Eurythmics' song and that's what I was connecting with when writing the use/abuse part whilst Caroline listens to the radio:

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused