The Misadventure's of the Akatsuki
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NarutoxKonanxHarem. (Yugito, Sakura, Hinata, Temari, Shion, Sasame, Hana, Tsume, and Isaribi) The Main focus will be Konan though. I will do one-shot lemons though with the other girls of Naruto but they won't play a major focus in the pairing.
ItachixOc Uchiha (Presumably the unnamed Girlfriend from the Manga.)
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Misadventures- A fanfiction portraying the Akatsuki in a humorous and crack fic like manner. The Akatsuki are the following.
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Deidara- The Bishounen foul mouth, art obsessed member. Like all the members he has a strong like for Alcohol and recently weed. (See chapter 1.) Often made fun of the other characters by his style of speech and looks he's known to often be involved in complicated schemes, usually the guy who blows shit up.
Sasori- One of the quieter and less insane members of the troupe. Been known to have a thing for blondes. From time to time he breaks his silence by either offering words of wisdom or making a completely random Suggestion.
Zetsu-The quietest and most mysterious of the Akatsuki. Goes along with anyone and is neutral. From time to time tries to eat the other members or there pets. (Stay tune for future chapters.)
Hidan-The foul mouthed immortal of the group. Known to be very religious and violent. Loves crack and is a Kleptomaniac. Known to cause children to cry and cause adults to commit suicide.
Kakuzu- The greediest member of Akatsuki. Normally serves as a counter balance to more of the insane behavior of the members. The Ironic thing about this guy is that his immortality is based off having a maximum of five hearts, yet most of his deaths are heart attack related.
Itachi-The Closet Pervert of the Akatsuki. Has been known to kill anyone who messes with his stash. Also tends to Tsukiyomi people a lot, specifically Kisame. Also one of the more insane members, though his bouts are more concentrated and deadly then spread out like the others.
Kisame- An Open pervert and cannibal. Kisame loves committing mass murder and weed. If there is anything involving drugs then he's most likely involved.
Tobi-The most cheerful and naive of the Akatsuki. Often the Catalyst for Mayhem and other plots that often result in one or more of the members being killed. The running joke is that Tobi is immortal as he usually miraculously survives or disappears.
Konan- The most intelligent of the Akatsuki members and by far sane. Though she has her quirks being a bit of a Nympho and Cosplayer. The Voice of Reason of the group not to mention the one who usually solves the problems. Also know to have a one of a kind jewel that lets her possess the body of others and allows them to feel what she feels.
Pein/Nagato- The leader of the group who is a lightweight when it comes to any type of abuse able substance. Often either Unconscious or somewhere else when things happen. When he is there he is usually panicking like the others. The only person who can keep control of him is Konan
Naruto-Temporary? Soon to be new guy and former target of the Akatsuki. Known as quite the playboy and worshiped by Kisame and Itachi. Is in need of a seal to suppress Kyuubi whose interfering with Naruto's ability to have some fun.
The Akatsuki-Despite their differences they have many things in common. One is they are often dying in embarrassing or unbelievable ways, only to be brought back to life later like nothing happened.
Also they all from time to time abuse substances like Alcohol or Beer. Above all else they have a treasured item that they would kill anyone over.
They also have a game call 'Clowin' when they start doing Yo Mama Jokes for extreme hilarity.
All and all…it's these traits and more that contribute to there Misadventures.
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Konoha 12
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Hinata-The Shy one of the Bunch and the most endowed of the girls. Has a secret Inner Pervert and desired to be 'tamed' by her love Naruto. Hinata is known to rarely get angry or drunk and when she does watch out. Has an alter-ego known as Evil Hinata who comes in great times of stress, anger, or drunkenness. She usually magically appears in an all black leather outfit and paddle that can send people flying several kilometers. She's also known to be invincible and immune to everything from poison to logic with her only weaknesses being Naruto and Holy Water. As a result Hinata is the only shinobi in history to get a special circumstantial SSS-rank label while being loyal to her village.
Sakura-One of the crazier members also has a secret and perverted side. Has a desire to dominate a strong willed and feral Naruto in bed. The type girl that can whoop your ass with a punch and turn around and heal you. Rumors has it that she has a catgirl outfit and a Death Note.
Sasuke-The slightly psychotic one of the K12. He's calm down from his overwhelmingly life of darkness and hatred, but can't seem to function without having vengeance. As a result he's on a never ending quest of vengeance for anyone who tries to kill him to simply kicking his puppy Bosco 2. Bosco 2 is named after Bosco, Sasuke's original dog when he was young and the real reason why Sasuke swore vengeance upon Itachi.
Kiba-One of the more perverted members and along with Shino have been known to smoke and sale weed. He's the louder and more boisterous of the duo with his partner Akamaru who has a keen nose for weed as well. Kiba is also one of the few people who knows the identity of the infamous Panty Bandit.
Shino-One of the more intelligent and stoic members of the K12 who also peddles out weed along with Kiba. Also despite how much people try to coax emotion out of him he always talks in monotone. Also rumor has it, or mostly because Kiba states it that he might be the infamous Panty Bandit who is never dare when the Panty Bandit is in public sight.
Ino-The sexy and talkative blond is the heiress of the Yamanka clan. If anyone is to know about the latest gossip its her.
Chouji-The Large kid of the bunch and one of the physically strongest. Chouji is quite kind and intelligent, even a decent cook. Watch out because if you call him fat he literally squashes you.
Shikamaru-The most intelligent of the K12 and one of the true geniuses of Konoha Shikamaru is known for thinking ten steps ahead of his opponents. He's also quite lazy so why the hell is that attractive brunette from wine country dating him?
Tenten-The weapon happy weapons master of Konoha. Tenten is the first Konoha shinobi of history banned from handling explosives even at the price of failing a mission. So she blew up twenty houses, six factories, three museums, two restaurants, and a golf course. It was an accident. She also has deadly pinpoint accuracy and can pull weapons out of the mythical hammer space.
Neji-Another Stoic member of the K12 and secret pervert. Neji has a fetish for long haired black haired girls. He's also known to go into a murderous rage against anyone who damages his hair.
Lee- The must exuberant member and most energetic excluding Naruto. The heir to the philosophy of Youth and the most extreme. Their is few people who can defeat a drunk Rock Lee in battle.
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Story Start
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They all got out of the car and gathered at the entrance as Naruto decided to lay some ground rules.
''Ok here are the ground rules. No killing anyone, no stealing anything, no causing destruction to property. Just eat and ride the rides. I brought only a few million Ryo with me and the last thing I need is you guys causing mass havoc. You ass-holes better have a cure after this is over.''
''Calm your head boy. Or will bite that muther fucker off. ''
''The Bi-polar freak is right Naruto-kun. We are adults not children!'' Konan stated.
''Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"' Tobi runs towards the park, knocking over several people and making small children cry.
''Tobi doesn't count. ''
''Why is he in Akatsuki again?''
''You know what…that is a good question.''
''Mommy! Mommy! Look at this guy! He's funny looking!'' Points out Zetsu.
''Billy get away from him! You have no idea where he's been.''
''But moooooooooom!''
''Ok…Fuck this!'' Zetsu's fly trap like attachments open wide. He jerks forward and snatches up kid with them and proceeds to eat him.'
''BIILLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY!''
''Oh you have got to be fuckin…''
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30 days later
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''Has the Jury reached a verdict?''
''We have your honor. On the sole count of Murder! We find the defendant Zetsu guilty and sentence him to death by lethal injection.''
''Huh…at least that's one less person I have to buy tickers for,'' Naruto said.
At a long month of legal battles, mostly Naruto paying for the cheapest lawyer he could find the Akatsuki returned to Magic Mountain.
''Hey Mister! Want to get a tattoo?' One of the workers, about early twenty with blond hair asked Pein. ''Should Big Daddy Pein disfigure his body in such a way?''
''Huh? Did you just call yourself...''
''Yes!''
''Oh, anyway, you're covered in piercings…do you really care?''
''Huh…you're right I supposed.''
''What is your name?''
''My name…my name is Pein…and you shall graft me with the tattoos I desire or become one of my Rin'nengan bodies.''
''Uum ok…I don't know what your smoking but I definitely want some.''
''I do not smoke this pot you speak of. Just this herb described to me by my doctor for my eyes. ''
While that was going on Itachi and Kisame were dealing with some things on their own.
''Hey check it out…dude a freaky shark man…''
Kisame reaches for Samheda but Itachi stops him. ''Kisame no time for foolishness…we must hurry in line for Tatsu and then the Goliath. We have no time for your quarrels. ''
''But Itachi!''
''Do you want to be Tsukiyomi if you don't comply?''
''I always get Tsukiyomi…You hit me with that damn thing regardless of what I do.''
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First Flashback
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''Kisame…you have ruined my life time collection of Bobble-heads. Now I must start over again. You owe me 50,000,000 million Ryo.''
''What! No way in hell am I paying that much Itachi!''
''Do you want to me to Tsukiyomi you?!''
''No! Of course not!''
Eyes morphed to Mangekyou ''Too Late! Tsukiyomi!"'
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Next one
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''Kisame! You have eaten the last chocolate bar! I waited two weeks to eat that chocolate bar. Two weeks of dodging and ducking hunter-nin. Making my way back here for that chocolate bar. Either you go buy me a crate or prepared to suffer the consequences.''
''Oh come on…the next chocolate store is fifty miles away.''
''Do you want me to Tsukiyomi you?'' Eyes morph to Mangekyou. ''Too late! Tsukiyomi!''
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Last Flashback
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''Kisame you have smoked the last of the 'herb' which I needed for my eyes. Either you go and find another Uchiha to replace my existing ones or deal with what I have in store for you.''
''But you killed them all!''
''The question is…how many times can I Tsukiyomi you until I run out of chakra.''
''Oh come on Itachi this is impossible.''
''Then answer me this…do you want to be Tsukiyomi?''
Damnit! This always happen! This is some bullshit! Every time I say know he hits me with that damn Genjutsu anyway. Unless. ''Y-Yes!''
''You do!? Ok! Tsukiyomi!''
''God damnit!"'
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Flashback End
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''You know that's the reason why you're probably almost blind now. Abusing the hell out of your eyes to torture me.''
''In the long run...it was worth it.''
''What about the guy next to him…looks like a Homo.'' Itachi spun around and started doing hand seals. He launched the Grand Fireball into the crowd of people, killing the person and all those around him. The result was the park catching on fire.
''What the hell Itachi?''
''If anyone asked we were attacked by a bounty hunter. Now quickly make haste before he are consumed in the flames.''
In another part of the park the others were getting something to eat.
''Saisori-Dono do you smell that?'' The bomb terrorist asked.
''It's your upper lip.''
''Hey fucking you un. I mean that burning smell. ''
''Run awaaaaaaaaay!'' Kisame shouted as he and Itachi ran by.
''Quickly…we must save the children…wait no fuck that! We must save the weed!'' Deidara shouted as he ran off in some random direction.
It's times like this I wish I stayed in Suna.
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Kakuzu was the only one riding the rides at Magic Mountain. Why? Because it's the fucking thing you do when you go to Magic Mountain. He was able to finally acquire a second heart, a pregnant woman's heart at that. So now he had two hearts…he was riding the ride when suddenly he saw further along the tracks were falling apart, lit ablaze. Now he thought it was part of the ride. He could not differentiate between the other rider's current screams from there screams of earlier so he had no idea what awaited for him.
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With Hidan
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Hidan on the other hand was explaining about his Kami to a group of Christians He had no idea what the hell was about to happen. He heard several people point up and scream. As he looked above, he saw Kakuzu, in a coaster, barreling towards him having flown off the tracks. ''Oh Fuc...''
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With Naruto
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Naruto from above one of the shops saw the mayhem. It purely comical to see Hidan crushed by a coaster. From the looks of things Kakuzu was having another heart attack by the way he was grasping one of his chest. ''Poor old bastard.'' He turned to the other side and saw some police cars rolling up. ''Shit…time to bail!''
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With Konan
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Konan was currently cosplaying as Kairi from Kingdom Hearts 1 with some alterations. Her white tip was trimmed where it ended below her firm D-cups showing off a lot of flesh, not to mention a short purple, skin tight skirt showing off her round ass. She wasn't sure why she was into this sort of thing. It was as if another part of her existed deep within her subconscious. Manifesting into different forms depending on the user. Whether is was aggression, outgoing, or even perverted. She was…
''Konan a fire has seem to have started, so we must…'' Itachi took one look at her state of dressed and passed out with a nose bleed. Konan went over to the downed Uchiha and kicked him in the ribs while muttering 'hentai.' She knew that she was being a bit of an ass as her state of dress left little to nothing for the imagination. She thought about it and then wandered. Why did some women choose to dress as sluts and get all offended when men hit on them? Why did women go to clubs if they were in relationships or wanted to just dance with there friends? It was stupid shit like that which formed a label and made women like her who wanted to have some fun or do some crazy shit look bad in general because of a few dumb ones. No scandolous clothing for her without the immediate brand of being a slut or easy for her. It was the same thing with men and how they were labeled all as dogs and none of them were any good or stupid shit like that. She wandered how the so called smartest race on the planet, Kami's so called chosen race could be so stupid at times. She held her head as a migraine was coming. She was thinking too much. ''And here comes pervert number 2.''
''Hey Konan have you seen It…Bow-chicka-Bow-Wow.'' The next thing Kisame knew a paper dagger made way to his eye.
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With Sasori
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Sasori was running like his life depended on it. Because it really did…A giant ass fire and hundreds of people was like Christmas morning for Deidara, whom; Would pack explosives at all times. He made it to the parking lot and saw what looked like Konan in a cosplay outfit trying to stuff what looked like Kisame's body in the trunk of a car. He slowly began to back away…he knew what was happening. They were all dying again…he sure as hell didn't plan on dying. He saw the Crushed form of Hidan and knew something painful was coming . It was happened without fail. When one of them started dying they all did. Except for Tobi, the little bastard was immortal or something. Sasori almost wanted to cry out and laugh like a little child as he got farther and farther away from the park. Dying was painful as fuck…despite they were always brought back to life like Kenny from South Park. It didn't mean he wanted to die…because dying was painful. ''HAHAHA! I'm going to make it. I'm not going to die…woo not me.'' If anyone saw or heard him now they could have sworn he was a different person. ''Oh man this is….'' Now if only he had saw that Bus.
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With Pein
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''Where is Tobi? Little bastard always seems to survive…if I stay with him I might make it.'' He didn't know how or why Itachi set the park on fire, but he didn't plan on dying over the reason, he was sure it was stupid. He should have brought his Rin'nengan bodies with him. Maybe fate would have just killed one of them…or maybe he should keep one of the other members around so when they started dying he could sacrifice them. He was the leader after all…he couldn't be replaced.''
''Give me all your money freak!'' Some Junkie shouted at him pulling out a gun.
''I got a better idea…'' Pein raises his hand. ''Talk to the hand….Shinra Tensei!'' He blasted the thug into a lamp post, breaking him in half, killing him instantly. ''That's right…no one can fuck with Pe…'' He side stepped as a Satellite fell down. It would have killed him instantly if he didn't move. ''Tobi's a good boy look Leader-Sempai! Catch!'' Tobi threw some needles at Pein.
''Wha…'' He didn't finish as some of the needles stabbed into him.
''Acupuncture needles…like in the shows.'' Tobi said holding up a box that read 'Poison Tip Needles.''
''Oh Mother Fu…'' Pein fell forward, dying slowly. He made a note to kill Tobi when he came back alive.
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End of the day
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Naruto and Konan waited by the Van. The park was closed down early for obvious reasons. Itachi, with some tissue stuck up his nose along with Deidara walked over.
''Huh…so this is all who survived…not counting Tobi as he never arrives on time.'' Itachi commented.
''Apparently so…I'll start up the Van.'' Deidara said as he took out the keys he found on Pein's body. Itachi and Konan looked at each other and started to slowly back away. Naruto noticed this and followed there example. Deidara tried three times to cut on the car, twisting the keys. He looked up, halfway twisting and noticed the others backing away. ''Hey why are you guys,'' He finished the twist and then thought about something. ''Fuck my life.'' The Van promptly exploded.
''Huh…so who wants Ice Cream?'' Naruto asked, as Konan and Itachi began bouncing around like children.
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Next time on Akatsuki Misadventures
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''Tobi the other way!'' Hidan screamed.
When then members were brought back to life something strange happened. Hidan's body remained dead so now he had to be carried around on a plate.
''I say we burry him!'' Kakuzu suggested as Hidan began screaming. It was well known that the immortal had developed a fear of being buried alive.
''I got a better idea…how about we resurrect his body. I know just the person who we can talk to,'' Deidara suggested. ''Though the journey to his place is through the Country of Darkness.''
''Great the country of Darkness…it just practically screams were all going to die,'' Kisame said sarcastically.