Hey lovelies! Here I am again! I am so sorry for the long delay... but I hope you will forgive me:) This story is really intense and this chapter was really intense. I just wanted it to be perfect... and I am working on another fanfic. It will be an AU of Japril. So stay tuned.
I just want to thank all of you that Followed/Favorite/Reviewed my Story so far! I really appreciate your support and feedback!
Anyway... so here is the third chapter. Tell me what you think about it!:)
XOXO
DISCLAMER: All character belong to Shonda Rhimes!
Chapter 3
Grief and process
She was so literally happy, she couldn't describe how she was feeling right now. Her happiness was overwhelming. She looked into Jacksons eyes and felt complete again.
"I love you Jackson." She whispered in awe.
"Me, too my love." He whispered back and kissed her gently.
Suddenly April got distracted by the beeping sound of the monitors. She was confused by the double heartbeat sounds. She didn't understand it for a while, blinked in confusion. But now her eyes widened in horror...
"No, no, no" She shook her head in panic. She writhed like she was in pain,, started screaming and crying bitterly: "no no no... that can't... it can't!" Escaped her between sobs and scream, which let Jacksons heart ache.
"Hey Baby calm dowm!" He crawled into her bed, carefully not to hurt her.
"Talk to me baby? Are you in pain?" He carest her hair.
She shook her head. "No I I am not" She croaked out. She sobbed bitterly.
Jackson felt tears in his eyes. The sight of her reminded him of the tragic but also beautiful moment of his sons birth.
"April, talk to me please! Calm down! let me help you!" He whispered in her ear, and silent, hot tears began falling down his cheeks as well.
"That... is... is not fair for Samuel!" She cried. Jackson heart broke at her words. Now the silent tears were streaming over his face, even more.
"What no! Listen to me sweetheart. Can you do that for me? "
She nodded but didn't stop crying. "Our son is happy for us. He is happy to have a sibling.. She looked at her husband and cried harder.
"I love him so much... so much..."
"I know... I know... " He trailed kisses over her face. "Hey... you believe in god right"? He asked. "This is nothing bad Apes! This is a miracle! "
She cried and smiled. "Our miracle..." She whispered in awe.
"Yeah" He laughed in tears. "
"I am scared Jackson!" She said fearfully. "I know." He whispered and brushed Aprils forehead with ones lips.
"I love you Jackson."
"I love you, too." He kissed her.
"I miss him so much, our little angel."
"I miss him too!" He whispered and smiled sadly.
"I am sooo sorry Jackson, I am so sorry for leaving you...!" She said with a broken voice.
"Ssssh we don't have to talk about this yet..." He whispered and gulped.
"But I want too." She said. "And we will, but you have to recover first. So close your eyes and sleep."
"I saw samuel...!"
"What?! "
"I know you don't believe in this stuff. But I think I was dead... and in heaven... my heaven... and I saw our son, Jackson. And I saw Mark..." She smiled up on him. "He's taking care of him with Lexie."
Jackson smiled by the thought. He liked the thought that Mark would look after is son.
"I was in lake Tahoe... Lake Tahoe was my heaven... you are my heaven... " She whispered and looked at him, her eyes full of love. He looked at her and was not able to speak. She started to cry again.
"He is in peace now. Jackson. Our son isn't in pain now! She said and looked at him with teary eyes. He couldn't help but the tears were streaming down his face as well. He gently caressed her hair. April looked at him... She loved him so much. She closed her eyes and murmurs: "I 'm so happy I didn't loose you. I didn't know if I would have survived then. "
"Me either!" Jackson whispered and brushed her forehead with ones lips. "But now you have to rest..." He whispered.
"Will you stay here while I am sleeping."
"yeah, I didn't have plans to ge anywhere... " She smiled at his words. "My body hurts and I am freezing... do I have burn injuries?" She asked him.
Jackson looked at her: "Yes but you have the best care here and you'll be fine... we will be fine!" He assured and kissed her soft.
She closed her eyes and smiled. For the first time since, it seems like forever, she felt peace again. She thought she found peace and cure in Jordan, but she was wrong. There was always a part that still had hurt. Now it didn't hurt anymore (well at least in her soul she thought) and she knew why now. Jackson was by her side again... and she wouldn't do the same mistake again and abandon him. She would fight until death, because she vowed to and he was her life. She felt Jackson's calming hand, caressing her hair slightly. Yes here is her heaven, here in his arms and they will be fine. With this thoughts she fell asleep with a smile on her face.
Jackson lay silently besides April and listened to her steady breathing. He was so happy that he have got another chance to do things right this time... to not let his pain and grieve grow bigger then them this time. He knew It will gonna be hard and there is a lot of untold stuff. It will gonna be a tough time for both of them... but he was willing to fight for them both now... just like she did before... and he gave up... because he was so hurt that she left him... he still is though... but now he understood why... now he knew that they can be fixed... because they love each other... it will gonna be a long process of healing but it was definitely a worth path to go.
Suddenly he heard someone come in – His mother. He put his finger to his lips to show his mother to be quiet and crawled out of bed, carefully not to wake up April.
"Hey my baby!" Catherine said while she stepped closer. Jackson smiled and fought back tears of joy.
"She is awake Ma!" He whispered
"I heard that sweetheart!" Catherine answered with a bright smile. He stepped closer.
" Ma she is awake and all right." He repeated with a broken voice. "I thought I lost her ma... and this time completely...but she is alive and... "
He didn't end the sentence... he couldn't. He started to sob and felt into his mothers arms He let out the tears he was holding shut off for more than a year now and it was such a relief the let out all the pain and angst he felt...
Catherine's heart broke while she was holding her only son in his arms, who's crying his heart out now. She hold him tight and rubbed his back in circling movements to sooth him. "ssh...ssh... it is ok my son... she is alive now... it all gonna be fine... you two will work things out and you have a second chance... a second chance to do things right this time..." She told him. "Yeah... I love her so much ma..." "I know son, I know...and you two will be fine... or you three... and you'll be finally the family, that you so much deserve to be!"
"Yeah you are right!" He smiled.
"what are we supposed to do now?" He asked.
"Come lets grab a coffee and take a walk, So we can talk without accidentally waking her up." Catherine suggested and guided him out of Aprils room.
Once they were in the cafeteria and sat down, Catherine started to speak. "So what are you gonna do now?"
Jackson sighed. " I honestly don't know... There is so much to work out... so many words unspoken... on both sides... I want her to know that I am willing to fight for our marriage, no matter how hard it gets... I am not leaving again... We have to learn to communicate... it's been always an issue of us and that nearly tear us apart – it actually did – she signed the papers – I signed the papers – And then the ambulance exploded... " He suddenly smirked sadly... "it is kind of funny, you know... once when the bus exploded I nearly died... she declared her feelings to me and I backed her off... and now the history repeats and I am so lucky that she didn't back me off... even though I would've way much more deserve it... if she had..." His eyes became glossy again. He gulped.. "I wont let her down again! But I don't know where to start... start to fix us."He explained and took a sip of the coffee he'd buy.
His mother looked at him full of empathy.
" You two could go to counseling?"
"I don't know...at Callie and Arizona it didn't worked... after a few session they got divorced... and that is not option for me anymore... and it never will again..." Jackson said.
"Well you could try... I know a great psychotherapist, which not only is specified in marriage therapy, but also in trauma. You could give the therapist a try. When you both don't like what he says or he make it even worse, you can always simply cancel."
Jackson thought about it... maybe his mother was right... and he will gonna talk to her after her treatment. He didn't know if she was ready for marriage therapy... strong enough.
"I don't know if she is ready for counseling mom... if she is strong enough... this might will open wounds..."
Catherine nodded in Agreement, but said: "Sometimes you have to ripped the bandage off, so that you can heal better."
"That's right, I'll think about it and it discuss with April, when she will be in a better state. But now I have to go back to her. I don't want to leave her alone for so long.
"Ok sweetheart!" His mother stood up and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
"Thanks for the talk mum it really helped. " Jackson said.
"Oh don't be ridiculous! That what good mothers are for baby! I go head back to Richard. I'll stay at him until April gets out of the hospital... so feel free to call me if you need anything." She said. "I will, thanks mum:" He answered and left the cafeteria to go back to April.
When he arrived there, he saw Addison checking the vitals of the baby.
"Is something wrong?" He asked.
Addison smiled. "No, no. it is all fine just a normal check up. Only routine" He looked at April, she was still asleep.
"Can I ask you something Dr. Montgomery" Jackson asked in a whisper.
"Of course!" Addison answered.
Jackson gestured to go away from so they didn't wake her up.
Then he asked: "Are you sure, the baby is healthy?" His eyes filled with fear.
"Well I can't say it in 100%, but as I can see now, yes it is healthy." Addison answered and Jackson smiled in relief.
"But we can make a few more tests, when your wife's condition is better." Jackson simply nodded and Addison left the room.
He took a chair and sat besides April.
Her eyes opened. "Hey." She said and smiled.
"Hey love! I didn't mean to wake you" He said, took her hand in his, kiss her knuckles and smiled. "How are you feeling" He asked her.
"good... tired...and it hurts... but I am good... you are here..." He smiled in respond.
"How bad are my burnings, Jackson? Tell me the truth!" She asked.
"Not so bad, only first and second state... there even not gonna be any scars." He explained her. "Okay." She smiled. "II heard you and Dr. Mongomery talk..." She started.
"April..."
"I hope so much that this baby will be fine... I am so scared to get tested... "
He crawled in her bed again, carefully to don't touch her injuries.
"Hey.. April... look at me... we don't have to do itt now... And Dr. Montgomery said that all seems fine. We just have to do it to be 100 % sure. Our baby will be fine and we do this together... I am right here for you...let me help you this time." He looked in her teary eyes and caress her hair.
"We will be fine! She answered.
Just then Amelia Sheppard walked in. "Hey you... my favorite patient... how are you feeling?" Amelia asked. "Good... a little in pain... but good. " April answered.
"Good. I thought we could sit on the edge of the bed today. And each day we take a little step further. It sped up the healing process."
"Okay." April said a little worried.
"Isn't it too early?" Jackson asked afraid.
"No it is the perfect time trust me. I spoke with Addison and she said, the baby is perfectly fine and as a plastic surgeon, you know that Aprils burn injuries are not that bad that they could open up. " Amelia explained.
He nodded.
"All right, then lets get you another perspective of the world again." Amelia gently took the sheets off and went to her shoulders to grab them gently and held her up a bit. "Jackson you take her legs and pull them over the edge of the bed... and slowly we have time!" Amelia instructed Jackson:
" Ok... so lets get you up."Amelia said. Jackson gave April an assuring smile. Jackson gently grapped her legs and he get April up at the edge of the bed in a sync motion with Amelia. Once she sat. April got a little dizzy, closed her eyes and lost her balance. Jackson was there in a sec to support her. "I got you!" He whispered.
She opened her eyes and smiled. "Hey Jacks." She smiled.
"Hey, how is the perspective there?" He asked smiling. "way better!" She smiled.
"So when can I get in a wheelchair?"
"Take it easy Kepner! We will take you to a head CT tomorrow and then we will see how your head is doing. "ok." April said. "So enough for today, lets go back to bed." Amelia said. " Wait can I have some water at first? I can drink better while I am sitting" April Asked.
"Of course... hold her a minute Jackson, I'll bring you some water" Jackson said down next to April to support her.
Amelia came back In a sec with a glass of water and handed it to Jackson. Jackson held the glass on Aprils lips, so she could drink.
"Jackson... "
"Accept the help Apes." She drank, she was so thursty... then she coughed.
"Slow, Apes." Jackson said, put the glass on the nightstand and put her with Amelia gently back to bed.
Amelia looked between them and was happy to see them finally like this again... so full of love and concerned about each other.
She smiled at them: "I leave you two lovebirds alone now!" She just said and left the room Jackson sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand in his.
"I am so glad you are getting better! When you can get in a wheelchair i'll take you out a bit... fresh air will be good for you!"
"When I am able to go outside a little longer... can I go to the cemetery with you? I want to visit our son with you. I have never been there... cause it hurt too much, but know I am ready to do that... but I don't... I don't want to do it alone... I am a little scared... and ashamed I didn't go there in the past... I just couldn't." She confessed and hoped he was not angry at her about it: She looked away.
He squeezed her hand and put his other hand on her cheek. Now April looked at him and they shared a moment of silence and gazed at each other. They were not able to put their feeling now in words, but they don't need too. Their eyes said it all. The pain they felt, how hurt they were, the angst, but also the happiness, because they finally see the light in the darkness. Jackson leaned under and kissed her with all the emotions he felt now and a reassuring that she don't have to had a guilty conscience about not visiting their son. He ended the kiss, but his face didn't left hers. Their noses touched.
"I couldn't either..." He confessed too and his voice broke. I was so hurt and so angry that you left and I couldn't help you. I... I... Oh my god I even blamed Samuel for it... " He didn't even realize, that he was crying, until he felt Aprils hands on his cheeks. He looked up and saw now that silent tears were streaming out of Aprils eyes, too.
"it's ok. Jackson..." She whispered.
"I just couldn't... and I felt so guilty about... I mean what horrible Father am I too blamed his own son for his death... it only hurt so bad to not only loose him... to lost you too..."
Aprils heart broke. She didn't now that Jackson was so Broken... broken like her... and that she didn't see IT in the past. "
Jackson! I Love you! I am so sorry that I hurt you so much... I am so so so sorry. " She cried.
"Don't be... I get it now... I was just so hurt and frustrated that I couldn't get to you... that I couldn't spare you any pain... because that is what a good husband does... and I felt so helpless... and so rejected..." He explained. He never spoke about his feelings in this period, but it felt so good to finally share it with his wife. It was like a heavy burden of his shoulders got lifted.
"Hey... hey , hey hey.. listen to me Jackson... He look down at her and she was massaging his scull, that alwaays calmed him, she calmed him... she was all he had... always...
"You are a great husband... don't you dare, questioning that again." She said and pulled his face down to kiss him. They were such a mess... he thought. But April was his home, his safe haven... "We will be fine April... we just have to push and we have to fight. "
April just smiled at his words and completed his sentence. "This is the mud and we just have to push through it.
"We will go visit our son!" He laid himself besides April, closed his and fell asleep.
The next days went great. April's recovery went off great and when she was able to sit in a wheelchair for couple of hours; Jacksons asked Amelia and Addison if he could take April to the cemetery. They looked at him full of empathy and only said that he had to be careful. He get back to the room of April to tell her the news.
"Hey Sweetheart lets get you of bed! I just get the permission to take you out for a couple of hours" He smiled and get to her bed.
"Oh...that is great" She said and forced herself to smile. Jackson knew exactly that she was scared, but she was trying to hide it. He kissed the top of her head. "We don't have to go to the cemetery... We don't have force things if your not ready." Jackson suggested. April bit her bottom lip and fought against tears. "I Want to... but I am so afraid off. "I am with you April, we are doing this... you and me... don't be afraid... " He kissed her forehead. She nodded and sat up in bed.
Jackson grabbed her and wanted to carry her.
"Jackson you don't have... "
"Shut up April" He chuckled, kissed her hair and said her down in the wheelchair. He bend down to be on her height and asked. "Are you ready?" "No, i've never will be ready for this... but yeah we can go. " April answered. Jackson squeezed her shoulder to show April his support.
On their way to the cemetery, they stop by a florist and bought some yellow daisies for the grave. As they arrived there, April and Jackson took a deep, shaky breath in sync. April leaned forward and touched the letters of the grave. Jackson crouch down besides April and put the daisies on Samuels gravestone.
"Hey buddy... sorry that mommy and daddy been here for so long..." Jackson began to speak.
"We were a little scared you know... but we always missed and loved you..." April completed the sentence of Jackson with tear filled eyes and a shaky voice.
"But you know what son...Mommy and Daddy are together again." Jackson spoke further. " I was a little stupid and hurt, but the destiny put some sense in my mind."
"yeah your mum only nealy had to die... but who cares" She giggled.
"And you will have a little brother or a sister... and we will tell about you every day... we will never forget you... we love you..." April voice and she started crying. Jackson pushed himself in front of April, put her hands in his and laid his head onto Aprils lap. April heard his heartbroken sobs and cried with him together in front of Samuel Norbert Averys Grave. They let out all their pain and helplessness... Jackson looked up at April, took her face between his hands and whispered: "I love you, April... so much!" The last time he spoke the same words to her. It was the End – but now- it was a new beginning. They were finally grieving together … this was all he had need... all the long time... that was process... and he knew now they will be fine again.