The Misadventure's of the Akatsuki
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NarutoxKonanxHarem. (Yugito, Sakura, Hinata, Temari, Shion, Sasame, Hana, Tsume, and Isaribi) The Main focus will be Konan though. I will do one-shot lemons though with the other girls of Naruto but they won't play a major focus in the pairing.
ItachixOc Uchiha (Presumably the unnamed Girlfriend from the Manga.)
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Misadventures- A fanfiction portraying the Akatsuki in a humorous and crack fic like manner. The Akatsuki are the following.
Deidara- The Bishounen foul mouth, art obsessed member. Like all the members he has a strong like for Alcohol and recently weed. (See chapter 1.) Often made fun of the other characters by his style of speech and looks he's known to often be involved in complicated schemes, usually the guy who blows shit up.
Sasori- One of the quieter and less insane members of the troupe. Been known to have a thing for blondes. From time to time he breaks his silence by either offering words of wisdom or making a completely random Suggestion.
Zetsu-The quietest and most mysterious of the Akatsuki. Goes along with anyone and is neutral. From time to time tries to eat the other members or there pets. (Stay tune for future chapters.)
Hidan-The foul mouthed immortal of the group. Known to be very religious and violent. Loves crack and is a Kleptomaniac. Known to cause children to cry and cause adults to commit suicide.
Kakuzu- The greediest member of Akatsuki. Normally serves as a counter balance to more of the insane behavior of the members. The Ironic thing about this guy is that his immortality is based off having a maximum of five hearts, yet most of his deaths are heart attack related.
Itachi-The Closet Pervert of the Akatsuki. Has been known to kill anyone who messes with his stash. Also tends to Tsukiyomi people a lot, specifically Kisame. Also one of the more insane members, though his bouts are more concentrated and deadly then spread out like the others.
Kisame- An Open pervert and cannibal. Kisame loves committing mass murder and weed. If there is anything involving drugs then he's most likely involved.
Tobi-The most cheerful and naive of the Akatsuki. Often the Catalyst for Mayhem and other plots that often result in one or more of the members being killed. The running joke is that Tobi is immortal as he usually miraculously survives or disappears.
Konan- The most intelligent of the Akatsuki members and by far sane. Though she has her quirks being a bit of a Nympho and Cosplayer. The Voice of Reason of the group not to mention the one who usually solves the problems. Also know to have a one of a kind jewel that lets her possess the body of others and allows them to feel what she feels.
Pein/Nagato- The leader of the group who is a lightweight when it comes to any type of abuse able substance. Often either Unconscious or somewhere else when things happen. When he is there he is usually panicking like the others. The only person who can keep control of him is Konan
Naruto-Temporary? Soon to be new guy and former target of the Akatsuki. Known as quite the playboy and worshiped by Kisame and Itachi. Is in need of a seal to suppress Kyuubi whose interfering with Naruto's ability to have some fun.
The Akatsuki-Despite their differences they have many things in common. One is they are often dying in embarrassing or unbelievable ways, only to be brought back to life later like nothing happened.
Also they all from time to time abuse substances like Alcohol or Beer. Above all else they have a treasured item that they would kill anyone over.
They also have a game call 'Clowin' when they start doing Yo Mama Jokes for extreme hilarity.
All and all…it's these traits and more that contribute to there Misadventures.
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Konoha 12
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Hinata-The Shy one of the Bunch and the most endowed of the girls. Has a secret Inner Pervert and desired to be 'tamed' by her love Naruto. Hinata is known to rarely get angry or drunk and when she does watch out. Has an alter-ego known as Evil Hinata who comes in great times of stress, anger, or drunkenness. She usually magically appears in an all black leather outfit and paddle that can send people flying several kilometers. She's also known to be invincible and immune to everything from poison to logic with her only weaknesses being Naruto and Holy Water. As a result Hinata is the only shinobi in history to get a special circumstantial SSS-rank label while being loyal to her village.
Sakura-One of the crazier members also has a secret and perverted side. Has a desire to dominate a strong willed and feral Naruto in bed. The type girl that can whoop your ass with a punch and turn around and heal you. Rumors has it that she has a catgirl outfit and a Death Note.
Sasuke-The slightly psychotic one of the K12. He's calm down from his overwhelmingly life of darkness and hatred, but can't seem to function without having vengeance. As a result he's on a never ending quest of vengeance for anyone who tries to kill him to simply kicking his puppy Bosco 2. Bosco 2 is named after Bosco, Sasuke's original dog when he was young and the real reason why Sasuke swore vengeance upon Itachi.
Kiba-One of the more perverted members and along with Shino have been known to smoke and sale weed. He's the louder and more boisterous of the duo with his partner Akamaru who has a keen nose for weed as well. Kiba is also one of the few people who knows the identity of the infamous Panty Bandit.
Shino-One of the more intelligent and stoic members of the K12 who also peddles out weed along with Kiba. Also despite how much people try to coax emotion out of him he always talks in monotone. Also rumor has it, or mostly because Kiba states it that he might be the infamous Panty Bandit who is never dare when the Panty Bandit is in public sight.
Ino-The sexy and talkative blond is the heiress of the Yamanka clan. If anyone is to know about the latest gossip its her.
Chouji-The Large kid of the bunch and one of the physically strongest. Chouji is quite kind and intelligent, even a decent cook. Watch out because if you call him fat he literally squashes you.
Shikamaru-The most intelligent of the K12 and one of the true geniuses of Konoha Shikamaru is known for thinking ten steps ahead of his opponents. He's also quite lazy so why the hell is that attractive brunette from wine country dating him?
Tenten-The weapon happy weapons master of Konoha. Tenten is the first Konoha shinobi of history banned from handling explosives even at the price of failing a mission. So she blew up twenty houses, six factories, three museums, two restaurants, and a golf course. It was an accident. She also has deadly pinpoint accuracy and can pull weapons out of the mythical hammer space.
Neji-Another Stoic member of the K12 and secret pervert. Neji has a fetish for long haired black haired girls. He's also known to go into a murderous rage against anyone who damages his hair.
Lee- The must exuberant member and most energetic excluding Naruto. The heir to the philosophy of Youth and the most extreme. Their is few people who can defeat a drunk Rock Lee in battle.
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Story Start
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The Akatsuki had all gathered around the table looking at the object in the center. They were all nervous, no scared shitless at what it symbolized. It could have only meant they lost their immortality factor. Because in the middle of the table was Tobi's orange spiraled mask. Tobi would do everything with that mask on. He never took that mask off, no matter what.
''What are we going to fucking do man?'' This question came from Kisame. The only reason they were able to move the mask was because Samheda absorbed the youki around it. Deidrara was currently bandaging up his hand from the burn he got from trying to pick up the mask.
''I say we bury it, say a quick pray and move on with our lives,'' Sasori said coldly.
''Sasori-danna that's a bit cold-blooded. I mean were talking about Tobi, he was just a kid. It's not like it was Kisame or something.''
''Fuck you!''
''Piss off.''
''Enough!" Pein roared, slamming his hand on the table. Silence was what followed. Holy Shit that actually worked. ''Now this is what's going on. Now we are sure from the Youki it was Naruto who did this…now we all just have to relax and wait. I mean he's been gone for weeks now. Nothing has happened besides finding Tobi's mask so whose to say…wait…ok I confused myself.
''He wants us dead…we have effectively cock-blocked him over three times now. If it was me, I would go crazy and killed you all also.''
''We know you would Itachi.''
''Do you want to be Tsukiyomied Kisame?''
''I don't even care anymore.''
''Tsuki…'
''Yehahehe!'' Tobi screamed from the Kitchen.
''That's Tobi! Quick to the Kitcehn!'' They all rushed to the Kitchen to find a beaten and bloody Tobi. He was on his face, a rag covering his head.
''Holy crap…Tobi can get hurt?'' Deidara asked.
''Hurt…pfft…looks like he's dead,'' Hidan added yanking off the rag. ''Holy shit Tobi's Black!'' He screamed as the force of the yank caused Tobi's body to turn over.
''That's not Tobi! Doesn't smell like Tobi!" Zetsu took a bite out of the body. ''Doesn't taste like him eith…kkagugh…akfa…ffhahs.'' Zetsu started choking.
''Holy shit Zetsu is choking!'' Deidara screamed.
''No shit!" Sasori shouted to him.
''What are you idiots standing around for? Someone perform the Heimlich or what the devil it's called. '' Pein ordered. Kisame ran forward and rammed Samheda into the plant man's stomach. The others mouth dropped opened.
''Kisame the idiocy you have showed today has truly surprised me,'' Came Itachi's stoic comment.
Zetsu started to spit up green blood as his face started to melt.
''Holy shit Shark-shit! What the fuck did you do!''
''Shut the fuck up Deidara it wasn't me!'' Zetsu dropped on the ground dead. The body turned into a puff of smoke revealing a training body covered in a weird green stuff.
''Poison…with acid properties…I know what every poison in the world looks like.'' Sasori stated. ''Zetsu's definitely dead. ''
''Great…so it was a trap. As the leader I ordered you all to protect me. Without me there is no Akatsuki…henceforth a few of you dying is no big deal.''
''Pfft fuck that…''-Kisame.
A note had dropped on the ground. It was written in blood.
The plant man is dead…every one of you will suffer your fate. Torment and death, the irony of each situation. All these words aren't truthful, all of these words aren't lies. The truth is there are traps built all over the base. The lie is that each one is built specifically for each person. Can you guys make it out of here alive? Probably not…the only rule is to stay alive…stay alive long enough to discover who is…oh shit wait that's a movie…what I meant to say was just don't die or whatever…fuck it I ruined it anyway…not like you can just erase blood…Just don't act like the dumb asses you usually do. If you do, you'll act like the people and saw and die when Jigsaw tells them not to do what they usually would do, they do it anyway and die. Talking about being fucking retarded.
An explosion was heard from up above. The entrance of the cave would without a doubt be blocked. Meaning they would have to travel through the secret passage.
''No-ah…no way fuck this.'' Deidara said as he took out a clump of clay. ''I'm about to blow us out of here.''
''Yo dumbass…didn't you hear the note. You'll get us all killed.''
''Yeah right…I kept this clay on me all week. No way it could have been tampered with,'' He said putting some in his mouth. ''Hhm Minty.'' He started chewing it. The next thing they knew an explosion shook the kitchen. The blast wasn't enough to knock them out but the smell was. Pieces and bits of Deidara covered them all.
''Dumbass…it's obvious that the killer has studied us…Zetsu a Cannibal died from eating part of a body…Poisoned an ironic fate. Deidara was blown up by his own clay that he kept with him at all times. By acting how we usually act it will lead to our deaths.''
''Guess that means you'll die from boredom huh fuckface?'' Hidan taunted.
'Keep it up Bitch! I'll burn you to ash!'' Itachi shouted as Hidan recoiled.
''Well damn mutha fucka I was joking. Chill out.''
''Enough bickering. I don't plan on dying here. I just lost a meat shie-member…Akatsuki must stand strong. Itachi you are a Saw veteran are you not?''
''Seen all 9 movies over ten times…I think I know how to..'' Itachi jerked forward a bit. He took a step forward or two, a dart was hanging out from the back of his neck. ''Oh this is bullshit.'' He said as he slumped forward, dead.
''Oh come the fuck on…what kind of shit is this?'' Hidan screamed as another note dripped down.
Forgot Itachi was a Saw Veteran…had to kill him. You bitches will not be getting off easy. I'm going to kill all of you…Then I'm going to sell your body to fangirls.
''Oh god NOOOOOOOOOOO!'' Kisame screamed as he started to cry hysterically.
''Hhm…whoever this person is…he is a greater evil then Madara and the Bijuu combined. Naruto hates fangirls so he can't be the killer. He might have fought the killer or something. For the time being we must assume that the killer is someone we do not know of. Now follow me.''
''Hold on Leader-sama I need to go get my money.''
''Kakuzu you dumb fuck! Did the recent deaths not mean anything to you?'' Hidan asked his suicidal partner.
''Oh it did…I am an immortal though…I can't be killed so easily.''
''Except by heart attacks.''
''Fuck you Hidan.''
''Kakuzu we can't afford to wait for you….leave now and you will have to find your way out on your own. ''
''Ok.'' Leaves.
''Now follow me…I will lead us to safety.''
With Kakuzu
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''I love money…I love Mon-nayyyy…Fuck this killer…can kiss my ass…now time to raid everyone else's room.'' He sung as a figure moved in the darkness. ''Who the fuck…oh you're the bastard killing everyone. Hey look don't kill me and will split it 95 to 5…sound fair?''
The humanoid figure hissed as it's red eyes glowed.
''What are you going to do? Hiss me to death? Blowing me up, Poisoning me, and chopping me up won't kill me. Sorry but…I'm going to kill you now.'' He said preparing a Lightning Jutsu.
The figure gave a blood curdling scream as it body began to crack and twist. It grew in size to about ten feet tall and sprouted tentacles.
''M-Mommy? B-But I saw you di…'' Kakuzu hunched over and grabbed his chest. ''Oh Kami! '' He starting to see a bright light. ''A white light…Jesus it's my time ?'' He asked as he fell over.
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With the others
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''Hey so how far are we from freedom?'' Itachi asked, scaring the shit out of the others.
''Itachi the hell man...we thought you were dead,'' Kisame said clutching his chest.
''I got better...now about my questions.''
''We aren't that far…just a few more…'' The howl of Ravenous creatures caught there attention. They turned around to see a pack of hungry dogs.
''You guys go on ahead.'' Sasori said stopping.
''Wow Sasori…you're sacrificing yourself so we can stay alive?''
''Kisame you truly are an idiot. I'm inside a puppet jack-ass. I am also covered in deadly poison. Contact without a doubt will kill these creatures. If you guys keep on going on ahead you'll without a doubt activate the traps, meaning when I catch up I'll be safe.''
''Figures…seems like something…you…would…'' Itachi stopped. He turned and ran ass fast he could ahead.
''I got a bad feeling about…'' Pein started to say as he saw the Dog's henges fell down. They were nothing but chakra and paper tags shaped in the form of dogs.
''Oh Fuuu…'' Sasori was enveloped by the mass explosion as the other fell to the ground. They were slightly burned and bruised from the impact. The explosion shook the lair slightly but not enough to cause a cave in.
The others shook themselves and wiped off the dirt. They continued on ahead to the exit. Ten minutes had passed and they couldn't find Itachi. ''I'm beginning to think this is an inside job. I mean first Kakuzu disappears now Itachi. One of them has to be the killer,'' Kisame rambled, obviously becoming paranoid. ''In fact you guys are still alive! ONE OF YOU COULD BE THE KILLER!''
''Hey shark-shit…you're still alive! You could be the fucking killer. Everyone knows you and Deidara never got alone.''
''Ok…point taken…but what about Zetsu? I felt like we were brothers in a way.''
''Well no shit? Both ugly as fuck and cannibals.'''
''Watch it foul-mouth or that head of yours might come off your shoulders.''
''Both of you enough…you two idiots are always fighting. Once we get out of here, alive, then you can continue your little spat. '' Pein said as he opened a door. They made there way into the next room to find the dead body of none other then…
''No way!''
''I can't believe it!''
''So even he died.''
''This is serious.''
It was none other then the body of there Butler Geoffrey. He was covered in blood and wasn't moving. He had several holes in his outfit, consisting with stab marks. In his hand was a heart.
''I recognize that heart…It's Kakuzu's heart…then that means.''
''He's dead!'' Said a figure from the darkness. They were a hundred feet away from the door, from freedom. The killer being there last obstacle. ''Great Job…the two of you managed to survive.''
''Tw…''Hidan started to say as blood dripped from his mouth. He fell forward and gave a horrendous scream as his body blew to pieces. In it's places was some black shelled looking dog creature.
''WHAT THE FUCK MAN! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU KILLING US!''
''You always did managed to piss me off Kisame. You were always talking shit…saying things that I didn't find inappropriate. Now I will kill you.''
''Killer-san do you have any idea who you are fucking with? I am Pein, Leader of Akatsuki and wielder of the Rin'nengan. I have only lost to one person and you sure as hell aren't him.''
The killer began to chuckle. ''I know you a lot better then you think…Nagato.'' The killer said as Pein's eyes widen.
''How? Only…wait…how you know about our abilities and personalities. How you knew what we were going to do accordingly. It's all so simple now, I should have known from the moment you disappeared.''
''So you know who I am don't you?''
''Without a doubt…you could only be….''
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Hey I'm back. Editing the chapters and they'll be right back up soon. I haven't thought of quite what I wanted the next season to be. Probably focuses more on the Konoha Twelve. Until then enjoy my story.