can't believe this thing is past 30k words! this is officially the longest fic ive ever written. and yet there still so much more planned!
title taken from: "Something Good" by alt-j :))
ALSO: I made these playlists on Spotify! If you want to listen to them my Spotify username is Bumblebeeslies
OR here are the links: open. / user/bumblebeeslies/ playlist/6XOLX9YJ5YXTwBfgDBON9d (from Jim to Pam)
open. / user/bumblebeeslies/ playlist/4co6PN0L7XYPxkhFkR6SrA (from Pam to Jim)
*without spaces!*
anyway, here this is!
"So are you guys, like, dating now?" Ryan asked as soon as Kelly left the room. To no surprise, he was sitting cross-legged on Kelly's bed across from Pam, having been lured there under Kelly's false promise of "just studying".
Pam had spent the last moment not filled with Kelly's constant speech or Ryan's interjections to talk about the CD she had made for Jim. She was actually pretty happy with the finished copy, all things considered, and was excited for History the following day, when Jim had agreed to exchange them.
"No." She scoffed, because of course Ryan would ask a question like that. "I'm with Roy, remember? He goes to community college back home."
"Yeah, yeah, you said like a billion times." He rolled his eyes for effect. "I'm just saying that it seems kind of weird you made a mixtape for the guy if you're not even going out."
"Well, we're close, I guess. And making this-" she held up the plastic wallet the CD was placed in, "-was actually pretty fun to make."
"Cool, cool. Just so you know, if things with Troy don't work out, I've always thought you and me could-"
"No." She interrupted, firmly. Ryan would be the last person she'd ever want to go out with.
Jim had gotten to class much earlier than usual in order to definitely be there with Pam before the class started.
The only other person in the class was Stanley, an older guy Jim had never spoken to before. He didn't seem to pay much attention to Mr. Scott, (although hardly anyone did), choosing to do crossword puzzles instead of taking notes.
The CD was tucked safely in the front pocket of his bag, sealed in a case he took from an older disk back in his room. As per Pam's request, he had written a note detailing the songs in order with the "meaning" behind choosing them, and had taped that sealed envelope to the back of the case, also.
He tapped his index finger nervously against the hard desk. What if she didn't like it? What if it was too personal, too revealing, or too detached? Yes, he had done this a thousand times before, but never for someone like Pam. This seemed more important, somehow.
He had to wait almost 10 minutes before he caught sight of the familiar mane of honey-brown curls bouncing into class, and when Pam slipped into the seat next to his and bumped her knee playfully against his, it was as if all his worries just disappeared.
"'You ready for this, Halpert?" She waved the plastic CD sleeve Jim had noticed she was holding. He could see through the little window that she had written simply "for Jim" in her own handwriting at the top, and continued it at the bottom: "from Pam"
"You bet I am." He lunged for his bag under the desk, scrambling to retrieve the disk he had prepared so carefully.
Pam waited with a expectant smirk, but as soon as she saw the case with the plain envelope taped to the back, her face broke into a grin.
"Looks like you actually worked hard on something for once."
"Yeah, it was a weird experience for me."
"I can tell."
Jim wasn't sure what to say next. He waited for Pam to find the note she had written to accompany her playlist for him, and suddenly wondered whether his own note was too deep or pretentious or depressing or a billion other adjectives, until Pam, thankfully, broke the silence.
"Um, so. This is for you." She said, only a little awkwardly, sliding the sleeve and folded-over note to his side of the desk.
He picked up the note immediately and was just about to unfold it when Pam shook her head, sharply. "Don't read it yet! Read it while you're hearing the songs. It'll make more sense that way."
"Only if you promise to do the same with mine," he replied, setting down the note and choosing to examine the CD instead.
"Fine."
He slid over the disk he had prepared. Pam took it with a gracious smile.
"Thank you." She almost whispered the words.
He had printed simply "to Pam" at the top of the disk, but she traced the words with her finger nonetheless, a tell-tale grin forming on her face.
"This is great."
"You're welcome."
"I can't wait to listen to it."
"Yeah, me too."
The rest of the class seemed to teleport to the room all at once, and soon, (far too soon for Jim's liking) Mr. Scott began the lesson.
"You're in business soon, right?" Pam nodded pointedly to the sleeved disk still held in Jim's hand.
"Oh, yeah." He replied, shaking his head a little. "I'll just have to go back to my room to put this away."
"Yeah." She had put Jim's cased CD in her pocket, but now the corners were digging into her thigh. "I think I'm gonna listen to yours when I get back." She licked her lips; nervous. Why was she nervous all of a sudden?
"I don't have class." She added quickly, just for clarification.
"I know." Jim shuffled his feet in front of him, and Pam worried that she had somehow infected him with her own irrational awkwardness.
"I should probably let you get going, then." Her voice was far too cheery.
"Okay." He gave her a small smile before he set off, but it felt more like a pity prize than anything.
Her hand trembled a little as she pushed the disk into the port. Her laptop made the familiar loud whirring noise as it processed, until the pop-up opened on her screen.
She hovered her index finger over the trackpad for a moment before clicking play.
The guitars kicked in, and she wasn't sure to be glad he had chosen a familiar song or disappointed. The envelope was lying unopened on her bed, and so she sunk down next to it, occurred it up, and carefully opened it, ensuring not to rip the envelope or the contents.
"Beesly-
You asked specifically for me to write this, but to be honest, I'm not really sure what to say.
You're great. I hope you like these songs. I tried not to make them too hipster. Be warned, though: not all of theses songs have a long, sentimental backstory to my choosing of them. Some of them just sound really cool.
Anyway. Have fun.
- Jim"
The tracklist seemed to be on the back. Pam turned the thin sheet over, and was greeted once more by Jim's messy scrawl.
"SONGS:
1. Heaven by The Walkmen
"Our gilded age may come and go / Our crooked dreams will always flow"
I've always liked this song, but now you like it, too, so now I've been listening to it a lot more recently. It's good; I like the guitar at the beginning.
2. Sing by Travis
"The love you bring won't mean a thing / Unless you sing"
Again, another one I've always liked. I think you mentioned liking it, too, but that's not the only reason I put it in.
I found this one in my neighbour's garage sale. He's been all over, and he was moving house a couple of years ago, so he sold most of his CDs. I bought a few, and "The Invisible Band" was one of them - that's the album the songs is from. I don't really know how to explain it. I put it on in my room whenever I had to study or if school was stressing me out or I'd had a really good day, or anything, really… I played it so many times, I think I know all the words to the entire album.
3. You Are The Coffin by Flatsound
"Some say we should take a rest / I think I'd rather be dead"
I had a best friend in high school who didn't have the best home life. She wore headphones constantly, which I used to get really irritated over, but she almost always listened to the same song - this one - over and over again.
We haven't talked in a while, and when my dad was driving me down here for the first day of school to help me get unpacked and everything, I listened to this song for the first time. I think I get her now. People's favourite songs can say a lot about them.
4. Flying Horses by Dispatch
"They're much happier on their own / Beauty like that knows no home"
I honestly can't say with certainty where or how I found this song. All I know is I've been listening to it since freshman year of high school. I guess it's about trying to preserve - beauty? - that shouldn't be preserved. Like, don't try to capture "beauty" for your own selfish gain. I think I'm still learning that.
5. Something Good by Alt-j
"Something good tonight will make me forget about you for now"
A break from the potential angst! There isn't really a reason for putting this on here. I just really like this song. (Call me a hipster all you want, Beesly.)
6. Black Sun by Death Cab For Cutie
"There is hope within despair / And there is beauty in a failure"
I read somewhere online that this song was written about Ben Gibbard's divorce, but I never thought about it that way when I first heard it. I thought it represented desire to find goodness - "beauty" - in otherwise terrible things, and how the same techniques can be applied vice versa. Like, every cloud has a silver lining, but in the same way, every silver lining has a cloud. (Maybe I'm still not out of the high school English class mindset!)
7. Why Does It Always Rain On Me? by Travis
"Everybody's saying everything's alright / Still I can't close my eyes / I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights"
Another slightly depressing song I tend to over-analyse. I guess it's to do with pessimism, and i identified with this song A LOT in my early-high school years. Just try to picture 16-year-old me zoning out in my bedroom listening to this song and thinking about the inevitability of negativity. (God, I was such an EMO kid.)
8. Mountains by Message To Bears
"And we could run away / The mountains say, the mountains say"
Only discovered this recently, but I really like it. It sounds kind of whimsical, you know? I don't know if you ever thought about this, but bak in middle school my friends and I always used to plan to run away together, someday. I'm from a small town, and my friends and I always used to believe that we'd someday get out of there together. We obviously didn't, and I hardly talk to any of them now. But I still think about those empty promises sometimes.
9. Creep by Radiohead
"You're so very special / I wish I was special"
I think the first time I heard this - and actually thought about the lyrics - was when I was 13 and in love with a girl from my Spanish class. I identified with it then (I told you I was an emo kid!) and I still do, now, even thought the former reason doesn't really apply anymore. Sometimes I feel like my combined height and tendency to stare creep people out. I feel like I should own a trench-coat or something.
That's it! Hope you liked this.
- Jim"
Business class seemed to be lasting years longer than usual. Jim was losing his staring competition with the clock - still 15 minutes left - when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.
.
sent 16:46
FROM: Kelly Kapoor
TO: Jim
omg ur cd literally made pam cry. !
read 16:47
.
Another two came in before Jim even had the chance to formulate a response.
.
sent 16:47
FROM: Kelly Kapoor
TO: Jim
lol she's saying she's fine. she obvs isn't tho. what sound did u even put on there?
read 16:47
.
And:
.
sent 16:48
FROM: Kelly Kapoor
TO: Jim
forget i said anything. she says she never wants u to know she cried at ur weird emo mixtape. nvm. :)
read 16:48
.
He just had to get through 10 minutes.
"Seriously." Pam pleaded with her roommate. Jim's note lay still opened beside her, but there was a small, unmistakable wet stain leaking through it. "Please don't tell him. This is so embarrassing." She swiped at both eyes in one action, ignoring how it contradicted her previous claims of not having cried at a CD.
"I haven't told him." Kelly said seriously. She dropped her phone to the bed. "Anyway, what was on it?"
"Nothing important."
(This was a lie.)
"Yeah, I'm sure." Kelly shot her a wry smile.
Pam carefully folded up Jim's note into the original shape it had been in, being extra mindful of keeping all the edges straight and corners pointed, before slipping it back into the envelope.
Her computer whirred, still, even though the tracks had finished. She pushed the button for the disk to eject and gingerly placed it back in its case, popping the sides down and clasping the case shut.
"Why were you crying?" Kelly asked softly. When Pam looked up to her friend, she could see that Kelly truly cared about her answer to the question, and not only for reasons of gossip or snide curiosity. "Hypothetically speaking."
"I don't know." It was true. Nothing that he had written in the note was particularly emotional, and she guessed that someone who cared less than she did for Jim Halpert might even find it boring, but there was just something about reading his untidy handwriting and listening to these songs which had an impact on his life that just.. Evoked feelings.
Kelly nodded sympathetically. "Is it… That time?"
"No," Pam laughed, and the somber moment was over.
(For now, at least.)
sent 17:01
TO: Kelly Kapoor
FROM: Jim
i wont say anything, don't worry.
is she okay though?
read 17:04
.
sent 17:04
TO: Jim
FROM: Kelly Kapoor
she's fine. gtg. talk later ;)))))
read 17:05
The trek back to the Dunder-Mifflin block, and further upstairs to his room, seemed to Jim to take almost as long as his last business class.
After around 10 minutes of walking, a further 10 minutes of arguing with Dwight over whether he should be allowed to listen to music in his own room, and 5 minutes of searching for his old portable CD-player, he was finally reading to just press "play."
He kicked off his shoes and lay back on the narrow bed, balancing the player on his stomach and holding Pam's letter above his head to read.
He pressed the button. A cheery piano riff filled his ears, and he unfolded the letter.
"Dear Jim,
Here are some songs I like that I thought you might like as well. Maybe. I tried not to make this too cheesy or John Hughes or anything like that. Also, I refrained from putting too many Ingrid Michaelson songs on here. (There's only one! Success!)
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Also, I hope that this beats your mixtape. I think it probably will.
Love,
Pam."
Even though he knew she didn't mean it, couldn't possibly mean it, his heart did a little flutter when he came to the end. "Love, Pam." The words flashed in his mind, over and over again, and he traced the two little words with his finger before moving on.
"One - The Calculation by Regina Spektor
"So we made our own computer out of macaroni pieces / And it did our thinking while we lived our lives"
I think this was played at my junior high prom. It was really awkward and the songs for the most part were terrible, but this one stuck in my head. I really like her voice, and this song really resonates with me. The lyrics are a bit random, but I like to think it's about the mathematics of love - how it's not just a calculation or formula or anything like that, it's more complicated, and more simple.
Two - How We Love by Ingrid Michaelson (shut up!)
"We love to love when it fills up the room / But when it leaves we're cursing the stars"
This is one of the cliched high-school-drama songs I used to listen lying on my bed, with the lights off, just staring at the ceiling for about an hour. I like songs that tell a story, and this one is heartbreaking.
Three - Welcome Home, Son by Radical Face
"Heal the scars off from my back / I don't need them anymore / You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars"
I think I only discovered this one a couple of days before I left to come here. I listened to it about 6 times on the drive here. It's a song i'm always going to associate with leaving home, weirdly, and the scenery flying past the window as I drove to a new place.
Four - Brave by Sara Bareilles
"You could be the outcast / Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love / Or you can start speaking up"
This song is suuuuper cheesy. And this is getting weirdly personal now, but I guess you've noticed I don't have the courage of some other people. Sometimes when I feel hopeless, i listen to this. The beat is just so catchy! And the lyrics feel like a lecture, but in a good way, because they force me to actually listen to them. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't, but I still love the song!
Five - Vienna by Billy Joel
"You know that when the truth is told / You can get what you want or you can just get old"
This is pretty much where the strangely personal songs kick in. I sometimes feel like I'm not accomplishing enough for my age. I mean, I'm 18 (nearly 19!) but all I've done so far is graduate high school and win a sophomore art contest. I guess it's more prominent when i think about art, because I'd really like to make a career out of that someday, but so far I've… Not. Sometimes, i need to remind myself that I'm still young, and there's still time. I don't know.
(Also, say what you want about Joel or his songwriting abilities. This song is great!)
Six - Life On Mars? by David Bowie
"Now she walks through her sunken dream / To the seat with the clearest view / And she's hooked to the silver screen"
Remember how I liked songs that tell a story? And how this was going to be deeply personal from now on? Yeah.
Reality can be boring. I've just started College, I'm 18, and I'm doing what millions of people have already done before me. I've had a boring life so far, all things considered, and I'll probably be destined to live a boring life after this, too. I like art and films and books, because even when things seem normal, they're somehow never BORING. I like that notion, because yeah, I'd like a normal life, but I don't want to be in this perpetual state of revised boredom for the rest of my life, you know?
Seven - Teen Idle by Marina and the Diamonds
"The wasted years, the wasted youth / The pretty lies, the ugly truth / And the day has come when I have died / Only to find I've come alive"
My high school experience wasn't what I'd imagined it to be, when I was in elementary/middle school. I'd always thought I'd be quite popular, and get to go to parties, and have a large group of misfit yet supportive friends who cared for me and stayed with me through thick and thin. Obviously, no high school is like that - this isn't a John Hughes movie! - but I think I just sort of… Floated through high school. I don't have any great memories from those 4 years, I didn't go to any clubs, I just got my grades and got out. I wish I'd made more of it, you know?
My friend Emily went to Manchester back in junior year, and when she came back she brought with her a tonne of British music I'd never heard before. Marina and the Diamonds was one of the people she recommended, and this is my favourite song of hers.
Eight - Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root (end of the personal angst! Yay!)
"Well, pick me up with golden hands / I may see you, I may tell you to run"
(Not gonna lie, I had to look up the lyrics for this. I could never make them out!)
Remember Matilda? The breakfast scene? This was my favourite song for like a year after I first watched that movie, and during the course of elementary through most of middle school I thought I'd forgotten about it.
Whenever I hear this I just get a nice nostalgic feeling, you know? It reminds me of watching Matilda for the first time, and hiding under blanket burritos and drinking hot chocolate and trying to use my nonexistent powers of telekinesis. It's simple, and fun.
Well, that's this done. I'll see you soon. Your playlist WILL NOT beat this, I swear!
Love,
Pam"
Jim closed his eyes as the last song started to fade out. He allowed himself to overthink everything, just for a moment - love Pam; love Pam; love? - before slipping into unassuming best friend mode.
His fingers shook, though not from nervousness, as he typed out a message:
.
TO: Beesly
FROM: Jim
just listened to your playlist.
i'm ashamed to say that it does, in fact, beat my mixtape.
.
Pam replied immediately:
.
TO: Jim Halpert
FROM: Pam
:)