Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Star Wars the Clone Wars.
How can you love a broken soul?
Lying on my bed I was crying for the past hours, everything was turning against me; my Master had just killed my boyfriend, Lux. I've loved him though we hadn't had the best time lately, but I've still loved him more than anything in this galaxy. He'd saved me when nobody else could; when nobody else would. He had given me a reason to live; to fight for the things I loved most, but two hours ago, everything'd changed, my Master had discovered that Lux and I hadn't had the best relationship. He originally had just come to talk to us and bring me back with him, but then he'd kind of freaked out and beat Lux to death. After this I'd called the police and they'd taken him with them; I'd gone back to the temple into my room and was crying here since then. How could he have possibly done this? He'd just killed him and hadn't even been sorry for it. He'd said he deserved that. It was the moment when he'd looked into my frightened eyes and told me it's for the better, when I'd lost the trust in him; when I couldn't see any good in him anymore. It seemed as he'd been replaced by a monster, a monster that could kill ruthlessly. I was frightened, how could he change so much? Sure, sometimes his emotions controlled his actions, but he would never let it get so far that he'd actually kill someone. He'd always been an amazing master, he cared about everyone, he was overprotective of me, he just wanted the best for everyone and what he'd done this few hours ago, I couldn't believe it's really been him. It hadn't seemed like him. More and more tears were streaming down my cheeks as I thought about what I'd lost today; my boyfriend and my Master. I didn't know whether or not I could trust my master again someday; even if I could, it would take a long time for him to earn my trust back.
Now all I knew was that my life was going to change completely. As soon as the Council discovers that I had a relationship they're going to either expel me from the Order or I'll be assigned to a new Master. Anyways they'll lose their trust in me. I'd broken one of their rules: There's no emotion, there's peace. I knew this rule way too much. I'd always trusted in my emotions. I guessed that's what you learn when your Master was the chosen one, when your Master let himself be controlled by his emotions all the time. Everyone always said I'd be too much like him. I knew they meant it more in a negative way but I'd always taken it as a compliment; I meant what could be better than being like the chosen one?! But perhaps it wasn't the best being like him after what he'd done earlier; and they thought I was becoming more and more like him. I didn't want to be like him. Being like Anakin Skywalker, the hero with no fear, was the last thing I wanted to be right now.
I heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped my tears away before I sat up. I didn't want to see the Council now. All they wanted from me was that I tell them what had happened and then they would be going to ask me questions about it and decide what will happen to me. Knowing I couldn't avoid them I opened the door and to my surprise it wasn't one of the Council members standing in front of me; it was Anakin, my Master. As soon as I realized that I closed the door again and let me fall back down on my bed. I've been wrong, the Council wasn't the last thing I wanted to see right now; Anakin was. Why had the police let him go? He'd killed Lux, why wasn't he in the next prison? Why was he here and wanted to talk to me?
"Ahsoka, let me in. I just want to talk to you. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want the best for you, please let me in. I want to apologize." He begged for me to let him in. He knew I would let him in eventually if he just continued begging and so he went on. It seriously started annoying me and so I opened the door for him. He stepped in behind me and I sat down on my bed, my legs up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I stared at the ground avoiding his gaze on me. I didn't want to see him now. He'd broken my heart and now he just wanted me to forget it and act like nothing ever happened. No. That's not how it works. He's going to regret what he'd done to Lux and to me. I waited for him to say something in this awkward silence but all he did was sitting down on the chair next to my desk and stare at me. I still refused to look at him; he didn't deserve my gaze on him.
"Ahsoka" He whispered sadly. I didn't look at him. He's not going to get me back. "Ahsoka, look at me." He begged but I didn't. He sighed. "Fine, you don't have to look at me, but please listen what I have to say." I was struggling with myself not to look at him, but I could hear his sad voice and I couldn't avoid him any longer. Slowly I turned my head into his direction just to see him starring at the ground. I could see his pained eyes and it shattered my already broken heart into a million pieces. How could I be sorry for him after everything he'd done? I didn't understand anything. I wanted to hate him; but I couldn't. He'd caused me so much pain and now I ended up forgiving him just because he regretted what he'd done? No. No. No. No. I didn't want to forgive him that easily. He would just hurt me again.
He slowly looked up and I immediately let my gaze fall back to the ground.
"Ahsoka, I'm sorry. I know apologizes mean nothing to you but I truly am sorry. I shouldn't have killed him, you loved him and I completely ignored that fact, but you need to understand that it is for the better when he's dead." What? Has he really just said that again? He hadn't had the right to kill him, be it for the better or not. You don't just kill people. Lux had had the right to live more than he had!
"How could you?" I screamed at him tears beginning to roll down my cheeks again "How could you just kill him? And you aren't even sorry for it! He didn't deserve to die! But you do! You just killed him, I loved him, how could you take him from me?" I was sobbing hardly now and I didn't want to see him any longer. "I wish you would have died instead of him" I screamed/cried at him. He starred at me, his pained eyes starting to tear up. I looked away. I couldn't see him so pained right now. I didn't want to end up forgiving him. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve me.
He got up and sat down next to me on the bed, his hands resting in his lap he looked at me shyly. I stared at the wall not really fixing my gaze on something.
"I didn't want to take him from you, I know you were happy with him, but this happiness was just illusion. You didn't really love him. He's a monster, he hurt you. He only used you and you didn't notice. He wasn't a good man. He wasn't the right one for you."
"He's no monster, you're the monster! You're the one who kills ruthlessly. You're the one who hurt me. You broke my heart. You took him from me! You destroyed my life. You took away my lover. You destroyed my Jedi career. And now you have the nerve to tell me he wasn't a good man?!" I shook my head unbelievably. "What you don't understand is that he saved me when I was feeling hopeless. He helped me to stand tall. Not you! He was a good man. Not you!" I sobbed harder and harder. "Just leave and let me alone" I screamed at him and he got up. He looked at me a last time before he left the room and closed the door behind him.
I stayed lying on my bed and letting it all out. I cried for hours till I felt empty, till I had no tears left. Then I eventually fell asleep.
So this is the first chapter of my new fan fiction. It's going to be Ani/Soka pairing in the upcoming chapters but I want to make it really dramatic, so be prepared. Oh and please leave a review below; be it negative or positive, every opinion is greatly appreciated.
-Svenja