title taken from: "Like Real People Do" by Hozier.
hope this lives up to your expectations!
ALSO: SURPRISE HIATUS. SORT OF.
PLEASE NOTE THAT UPDATES ARE NOT GUARANTEED DURING JANUARY. (AS IN, NOT EVERY FRIDAY.) I'LL TRY TO POST AS MUCH AS I CAN, HOWEVER. SORRY!
hope you have/had nice holidays and a fun New Year.
After her slightly unsettling conversation with Jim, Pam headed back up to her room to get ready for the night.
As she walked, she couldn't help but play over their conversation in her head. There was just a certain way that Jim spoke about her…
Karen was no stranger to Pam, or at the very least, she was a lot more familiar to her than she implied. They took Art together - Karen was the pretty butterscotch-haired girl who sat near the front and smiled when she answered questions. Pam was the quietest in the whole class, and ducked her head when the professor asked for volunteers.
Karen was pretty and funny and bubbly.
But, anyway.
She knocked lightly on the door in case Kelly was in. When there was no reply, she let herself in, grateful for the small amount of alone time.
The party still wasn't for a couple of hours, so at present she focused on packing up her things for Christmas break.
Her mother was coming to drive her home the very next day, and she was excited to see her again. Although Thanksgiving break was merely a month ago, she already missed her family. Also, it was going to be nice to have a day to say goodbye to everyone before leaving.
She had already packed most of her things into the suitcase, leaving only the clothes she would need for the party and following day, and all that was really left was her schoolwork, which, after using a little the next day, she would cram into her backpack to barely look at until school started back up.
Kelly's side of the room was practically bare. She had started packing almost an entire week earlier, proclaiming "even though I don't celebrate Christmas with my family, it is so nice so be able to get out of school for a while. Thank God for Christmas break, am I right?"
Thank God for Christmas break indeed.
After over an hour of on/off packing and procrastinating, she decided it was time to actually get ready for the party. She had laid out a casual dress the night before - nothing too fancy, but nice enough that it was clear she had made an effort.
Nervous butterflies had already started in her stomach, only increasing once she had changed into the outfit.
Kelly had already consented to Pam using her straighteners, so she quickly switched them on and waited a second, bouncing in her seat. Once they were ready to use, she repositioned her seat so that she was in front of the closet mirror.
Carefully, she separated a small section of hair, clamped the straighteners onto it, and slowly glided it downwards. The end result was mostly-straight, though still had a few stubborn kinks in it. Despite this, she still considered it a worthwhile effort, and spent the next 20 or so minutes doing the rest.
When she was done (as best she could, given the circumstances) she brushed her hair out and retrieved her phone. There was still a while to go, but as there was nothing more to be done, she guessed it couldn't hurt to be a little early.
As a precaution she texted Kelly.
TO: Kelly
FROM: Pam
i'm just about finished up and i think i'll be heading there pretty early? what're you doing?
As it was pretty cold outside and she planned on walking to Phyllis' place, she grabbed her white coat, checked she had her phone and keys, and set off.
The walk through the halls was… Well, "ominous" was the best word she could find to describe it. The corridors were eerily silent, and Pam guessed everyone must be packing to leave or in class. She doubted many people would be at Phyllis' party - as far as she knew from the invite, it was planned to be a relatively small get-together, and besides, she was early.
She rounded the final corner and reached the foyer of the building. Outside, it was pitch black, and she could practically feel the cold even from inside.
The glass of the door was freezing to touch, but she pushed it open nevertheless and stepped out. Immediately, the wind took hold, nipping at her skin and making her uncovered face tingle. She debated whether to rush back to her room to grab a scarf and gloves, but ultimately decided against the extra trip, and shoved her hands in her pockets determinedly. Perhaps the walk would take her mind off of things, or at least warm her up a bit.
She had made it just halfway through the parking lot when her phone buzzed next to her left hand. She checked it, frowning at the interruption - she had just started to forget about the sub-zero temperatures, but this only served to remind her of the situation.
It was a Snapchat, from Roy. When she opened it, his face flashed onto the screen. He was wearing an oversized Christmas jumper and an over-exaggerated pout. The caption read simply: "Can't wait til u get here. family is way too talkative y'know"
She gave a soft smile at that - not the comment so much, but the picture was pretty cute. She swiped to get to the text function, typed back a quick "I'll be there soon! xx" and pushed the phone back into her pocket.
The rest of the walk passed largely without incident. She treaded carefully on the grass when walking up the hill, almost slipping on a couple of occasions, and was grateful for the lack of people nearby to witness.
It was surprisingly calming, walking through campus at night, especially on a cold, quiet, Wintery night like this. Time always seemed to slow down in the deep Winter, particularly during Christmas time.
Once she reached the town, she knew there was only a short time to go until she got there. Thankfully, the walk had taken such a long time that she wouldn't be early at all, but arriving just after the proposed start. She was grateful of this, as Kelly had advised her on multiple occasions that it was best to be "fashionably late" to any college party she attended.
In the distance was a group of people heading in the same direction as she, which was a comfort as at elates he now knew that she wouldn't be the only person in attendance when she eventually got to the party.
The town was pretty at Christmas-time. It was the first time she had ever been after dark. The Christmas lights were strung up over the old-fashioned lamp posts and the store fronts had little Christmas trees next to their displays with tiny, multicoloured twinkling lights.
She quickened her pace - past the lamp posts and store fronts, and marched up the concrete hill.
Was this the right house?
Sure, there was music coming from inside and the Christmas lights were more obnoxious than the neighbouring houses and from the crack in the blinds it appeared that there were quite a few people dancing in there already, but there was still a chance she had the wrong place.
She checked the address from her e-invitation three times before knocking on the door, just to be sure.
As she waited on someone coming to the door, she took the opportunity to stare up at the house. Well, the mere term "house" didn't really cover it - it was huge. A faux-historical (though she had no idea which era it was trying to emulate) type of building; it looked like the type of homes she would visualise in books when she was younger.
The door swung open and she was greeted by Phyllis Lapin-Vance, cheeks flushed, a huge grin on her face. "Oh, Pam!" She greeted in her thick Pennsylvanian accent. "Your'e arrived! Come on in, it's freezing out."
Pam allowed herself to be ushered in by the older woman.
Inside was only a little louder than the outside. As she had expected, the affair seemed to be mostly quite classy, with less than 50 people crowded into the living room, thankfully not all of them coming from school.
"Your friend Jim's already here," Phyllis explained, pointing towards the ajar door to the living room. "Not sure where Kelly is, though."
"Oh, I'm sure she'll be here eventually." Pam assured her, hoping she didn't feel put out by Kelly's absence. "I think she's just… Running a little late."
Phyllis nodded firmly before apologetically leaving to tend to the tapas.
Pam wandered into the merry room slowly, taking in the view and the atmosphere of the party so far. There were a few small groups of people dotted around, just talking and laughing and nursing drinks. No one seemed to be particularly drunk.
She spotted Jim in the corner, talking to a group of people she vaguely recognised as business majors. She weighed the pros and cons of going up to him - he looked busy, and she was pretty sure she had never spoken 2 words to any of the guys he was with - but apparently had dithered a moment too long, because soon Jim had caught sight of her and was making his way across the room.
"Hey!" He greeted warmly, only having to raise his voice slightly over the soft music.
"Hi," she was feeling rather shy all of a sudden, but blamed it on the party setting. "I didn't think you would be here so early."
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I meant to text you or Kelly or something, but I guess in all the chaos I forgot." He scratched the back of his neck bashfully. "I had to call my dad and tell him the new situation in terms of the journey back home. He's… Well, he's kinda overprotective, wanting to know all about Karen, so I had to phone her back and get all this weirdly personal information and stuff, and…" He trails off, shakes his head. "Anyway, it was all just a bit chaotic. Parents, y'know?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want a drink? Phyllis is giving out eggnog in the kitchen." His easy smile was back.
"Um, sure." She followed him through the spacious room and into the kitchen, where Phyllis, some older friends of hers, and a man she assumed was her husband were chatting.
A half hour into the party, and things were going surprisingly well. Pam was never much into parties, and truthfully she had been a little nervous for this one, but the whole affair seemed to be relaxed, no big deal.
Kelly arrived a solid 20 minutes after Pam did, traipsing in with a vice-like grip on Ryan's shoulder. She was gushing over something he had said, but Pam wasn't really listening at that point. Once she was finally able to break free from that conversation, she drifted back to Jim, who since her arrival had abandoned the company of the business majors and was mostly hanging out with her instead.
He was still nursing his eggnog, sipping from it every so often in the short pauses in their speech.
"So, Kelly and Ryan have arrived."
"Yep." Pam replied, popping the p. "I'm not even sure that Ryan was invited. I think Kelly insisted on bringing him along."
Jim chuckled. "Yeah, probably."
"Apparently," she continued, leaning in conspiratorially and watching around the room for Kelly to make sure she didn't hear. "Ryan was so desperate to not come, he told her he doesn't even celebrate Christmas. But that backfired, 'cause Kelly doesn't, either, which I suppose only strengthened their bond, in her opinion."
"Kelly's my friend and everything, but…" He trailed off, watching to see what reaction she had.
"No, go on." She raised an eyebrow.
"Sometimes I really feel bad for the guy."
"I guess." Her eyes darted around the room once again, checking the locations of Ryan and Kelly once more. "He's pretty awful, too, though."
"Oh, absolutely. Yeah."
The party was well into full swing by the time Kelly and Ryan had been there for around an hour. (Though Jim speculated that the success of the party was actually despite their appearance, and Pam was inclined to agree.)
Bob Vance (of Vance Refrigeration) ended up inviting a few people to the basement to play a short game of poker. Jim and Pam were in the kitchen at the time and therefore close-by, and when he asked, Pam found herself saying "yes" without even thinking about it. Sometimes it was nice, being able to answer without thinking.
"Are you sure about this?" Jim murmured, once they were down in the basement. It was a little stuffier than the living room upstairs, though quieter and significantly less crowded.
"At least this way, we won't be cornered by Ryan and Kelly for the next half hour or so." She reasoned, stepping to the side to allow the others at the poker table.
There wasn't many other people down, just Bob Vance, Phyllis, and a couple of people she recognised from the Art class she and Phyllis shared in school. She and Jim agreed to go last, and so until then opted to hang by the wall and wait.
The games weren't the most interesting thing in the world, but it was something to watch. Phyllis, for whatever reason, seemed to be naturally gifted at the game, whereas the people from Art class continually lost. Bob Vance also seemed to be reasonably good at the game, though in every one that she played, Phyllis won.
When the others got tired and headed back upstairs to the party, Pam was actually a little nervous. Her only experience of playing poker was with her grandparents and other family members at gatherings or holidays, and Jim had been bragging about how good he was at it ever since they first spotted the table. (Though jokingly, of course.)
They began the game awkwardly, but pretty soon Pam realised that she had a real advantage. Jim didn't appear to be very good at all, and his 'poker face' was pretty terrible.
"What's that face for?" Jim asked suddenly, jolting her out of her reverie.
"What face?"
"This," he demonstrated what he meant, over-exaggerating her expression to the point where even she found it quite funny.
"Maybe I just have a good card."
"Hmm. Yeah, right." He narrowed his eyes, all faux-serious, until she mimicked his expression, causing him to crack a smile. "I think you're bluffing." He laid out his cards and she hers, and after studying them for a quick moment, his expression turned to one of shock.
"Told you." She smirked (or attempted a smirk, at least - whether it worked or not, she couldn't tell.)
He opened his mouth to say something else, but at that moment, Pam's phone rang in her pocket.
"Sorry, one sec." She quickly pulled it out to check the caller ID - Roy. "Um," she didn't want to be rude, but Roy almost never called - this must have been important. "So sorry, but would you mind if I went outside and took this call? Just, it's Roy, and I don't-"
"No, no, it's fine." Jim shot her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'll be upstairs."
"Thanks." She rushed up the stairs two at a time, only looking back when she didn't hear him following her.
The evening had been going pretty well, until…
Well.
And he just hated when this happened, because on the one hand, yeah, she was his best friend and he wanted her to be happy and if she was happy with Roy then that shouldn't be any of his business.
But on the other hand, he was hopelessly in love with her (a fact he had only just recently came to terms with, but he knew had been under the surface for a while now) and it was getting increasingly harder to hide… That.
When she leapt up the stairs two at a time and disappeared through the small crowd of the living room and into the front hallway, he honestly didn't think he would end up following her.
But as he watched her, gently twisting the door handle back and shutting the door gently, one hand holding her phone to her ear, something inside just… Snapped.
His feet moved of their own accord and before he knew it, he was standing outside, watching as she paced back and forth across the front lawn.
"No, it's not poker for money, or anything." She was explaining, and there was a smile on her face. "Seriously, I won! I think we should play when I get back, so I can kick your ass, as well." Roy said something over the phone that made her laugh, her breath making small clouds in the air. "Are you sure? I guess I'll see you tomorrow… Okay, see you then. Bye!" She hung up the phone, staring at it for a moment before slipping it back into her pocket.
When she turned around and saw him, she seemed surprised, but still happy from the phone call and whatever was said.
"I didn't see you there." She remarked, and it sounded a little like a giggle.
"Yeah, sorry about that…" He jammed one hand in his pocket, striding across the lawn to meet her. By the time his feet allowed him to stop, there was about 4 feet between them. "Just, there's something you should know." He began the sentence not really sure where he was going. After a moment or two it clicked in his head that he should probably leave, and is mouth opened of its own accord to tell her so, but what came out was different. "I'm in love with you."
He only questioned it for a split second, but after that it was all crystal clear. This was it. They had known each other for almost half a year, now, and suddenly he was just so, so tired of having to pretend.
However, Pam's smile was slowly sliding from her face.
"I know that might be weird for you to hear, but-"
"What?" Oh, God - was that tears in her eyes? She shook her head slightly. "No. Sorry. I…"
"Look, I know you're with Roy and everything, and that's not - I'm not trying to -" This was getting frustrating.
"I…" She was staring at a point just over his shoulder, twisting one hand in the hem of her skirt. "I can't."
He nodded. It wasn't as though he hadn't been expecting this.
"You have no idea how much your friendship-"
He cut her off, not really out of rudeness but more of protection. "Please don't."
She continued anyway, with an expression that suggested she was trying to make things better, soften the blow a little. "-means to me, but I really just - I can't. I'm sorry."
He nodded again, this time letting out the sigh that had been building since she first spoke. "Yeah. I guess I just needed you to know. Once."
Her phone buzzed, as ever. She sent him a fleeting look; half-apologetic, half-timid.
He stalked off. Not knowing where, just knowing that he needed to move, needed to feel the wold wind against his skin.
She was crying by the time she reached beginning of campus. Though, she reflected later, it wasn't really crying. It didn't feel like an action she was doing and had control over, more that it was happening physically to her, and there was nothing she could do to make it stop.
She marched up the front doors of the building, and without even thinking about it, turned right. She had no idea why her feet were taking her in this direction, round the side of the building where there's virtually nothing but grass and trees, when really all she wanted is to curl up in bed and forget about the whole situation. Something about it felt right, however, as if there was a real purpose to her being there.
The next natural step was to slide her phone out of her pocket and call her mom. It's what she had always done when she was in trouble or needed advice, and especially at that moment, when an overwhelming sense of homesickness overtook her.
Her mother picked up after an agonising 3 and a half rings.
"Mom…"
He walked all the way around the little town once, allowing him to cool off a little before heading back to his room. It only made sense to walk back from the place he had ended up at, rather than going the long way around, which although quicker took him to the back end of the Dunder-Mifflin block.
Honestly, his head was still reeling after everything that happened, but a dull resignedness had already started to settle in.
Because of this, it was more than a little shocking when he turned a corner to the left-hand-side of the building and practically ran right into her.
"Pam?"
"Oh, hey, I have to go." She hurriedly turned away from him, and he was about to question her actions when he realised she was holding a phone to her ear. "Yeah, mom, I think - I think I am." There were tears to her voice, but he couldn't tell what they were from. "Bye, love you too."
He tapped one finger at his thigh, waiting a beat before she finally turned back to him.
There was a new aura of confidence to her. "Listen, Jim-"
But he kissed her.
He didn't even know why he was doing it - you don't just kiss the girl who rejected your confession of love less than an hour ago, it's suicide - but tonight seemed to be all about acting on simple impulses alone.
She was tense but didn't make any move to pull away, and relaxed when his hands gravitated towards her waist. Hers sprung to his chest, and as the moment prolonged (not that he could entirely tell, as time seemed to simultaneously slow down and speed up) her hands slid up to his neck and shoulder.
Altogether, the experience was more verging on the bitter side of things, but hey, if this was the pity-prise, it was the best he had ever received.
All too soon, she pulled away.
And they were left, staring.
In silence.