forgot to mention this a couple chapters ago - i DID change my url mynameisnotmya ratherbefree as a few issues came up regarding my personal life intercepting with my online one. i may change my url back at some point
ALSO thought i should elaborate more on the infrequent updates? i have exams beginning this week and lasting until the end of january, so although i am NOT going on hiatus, updates will not be every friday. i'll try to update a couple more times during this month at least. weekly updates should be back in FEBRUARY
title taken from: "The State of Dreaming" by Marina and the Diamonds :)
Her mother had asked if she was okay 4 times since she arrived back home.
The first was cloaked in casual curiosity, so Pam shrugged it off as just being her mother's natural need to know about the wellbeing of her daughter, especially as they hadn't spoken since the phone call that night.
The second was just before she was called down to dinner, having taken some time away from the prying eyes and welcome-back hugs to unpack some of the things she'd brought from the dorm at school. Mrs. Beesly had peered around the doorway, eyes scanning the room until she found Pam, sitting on the edge of her old bed, seemingly staring into space. In her defence, it hadn't been that long - only a minute or so at the point of interruption - but this still worried her mother.
The third was during dinner, presumably because she figured that if there was an audience to witness it, namely her father and sister, then she would feel obligated to open up a little, to finally say what was on her mind.
When the third try didn't work, she knocked tentatively on her room door just as Pam was getting ready to go to sleep, duvet pulled up to her chin, listening to the sounds of a house well lived-in - the creaks and whirs and wind rushing at the windowpanes. "Everything okay, hon?"
Her answer was the same as the previous tries. "Yeah, I'm just a little tired is all."
She could almost feel her mother's frown from the other side of the door, and maybe on any other day she would feel guilty for it, but right now all she wanted to do was numb her thoughts and rest.
"Alright." The reply came after a prolonged moment, followed soon after by the worried footsteps shuffling down the hall, and barely a second later, the soft creak of her own bedroom door.
Pam lay back and listened until she drifted off to sleep.
The second day back at home was a little better, giving Pam some hope that perhaps Christmas break could just be normal.
She slept in, waking up to the noise of a busy family breakfast from downstairs. She swung her feet down to the hardwood floor, the soles of her feet tingling at the cold, hard, familiar-yet-unfamiliar feel of it. As she padded to her bedroom door, she caught sight of herself in the mirror on her vanity, and offered the tired, blank-looking girl in the reflection a half-hearted smile.
The further down the stairs she went, the louder the noise from the dining room became. When she entered the room, hand hesitating on the doorknob for a brief second before making up her mind, she was greeted with overly bright smiles and almost wary glances.
"Breakfast's on the table." Her mother stated needlessly.
"Thanks." Pam replied, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to say. She made her way to her old seat at the table, next to her sister, and began to pile scrambled eggs onto her plate.
Conversation started as usual - questions directed at her sister about school, to her mother and father about work, to herself about her major and 'exciting' things happening at college.
"How are all your friends?" Her sister asked, somewhat carefully. "That one guy you wouldn't shut up about at Thanksgiving… Tim, right?" She missed the warning look from her mother.
Mrs. Beesly shot Pam a sympathetic sort of look - you don't have to explain if you don't want to.
Pam just shrugged, hoping that her feigned disinterest could come across as genuine. "Jim." She corrected. "He's… We haven't spoken since before we left." Her words were chosen carefully, because honestly, she had no idea how he was.
(It was true what she said - they hadn't had any contact since the night outside the Dunder-Mifflin block. She left pretty late in the afternoon, and saw Karen Filipelli a couple hours beforehand rolling a suitcase towards the elevators, so unless something changed, she guessed he left in the morning, too.
The only person from their small circle of friends she had spoken to the day she was leaving was of course Kelly, who gave her a tearful hug goodbye and made her promise to 'keep in touch', despite Pam's many assurances that she would be back after the Christmas break.)
Her sister bobbed her head and, with a knowing air about her, returned to her mug of coffee.
Pam shovelled more food into her mouth to keep from talking.
sent 15:34
TO: Pam
FROM: Roy Anderson
do you want to come to dinner tomorrow?
read 16:02
sent 16:11
TO: Roy Anderson
FROM: Pam
um i don't know.. i think my family would want me to stay with them - they missed me
read 16:12
sent 16:15
TO: Pam
FROM: Roy Anderson
they're invited, too! ;)
read 16:15
sent 16:29
TO: Roy Anderson
FROM: Pam
okay?
read 16:32
sent 16:33
TO: Pam
FROM: Roy Anderson
;) ;)
read 16:35
"Mom?" Pam called as soon as she received Roy's last text.
"Yeah?" Her mother called back from downstairs. Within moments the tapping of her shoes sounded up the stairs, and soon she was standing behind her daughter's door. "Can I come in?"
"Uh-huh." Pam replied, softer this time.
Her mother entered, shutting the door slowly behind her. "What's up?"
Pam realised she probably was under the impression that her daughter finally wanted to open up about what had happened before she came home, and felt guilty for a split second. "Uh, has Roy called recently?"
"No, why?" Her brow furrowed. "Is this about what happened on-" She cut herself off, shaking her head emphatically. "Haven't you told him yet?"
"It's not about that." Pam assured her. "We were just texting… He wants to invite us out to dinner tomorrow."
"Us?" She repeated, head cocked to the side in confusion. "'Us' meaning…?"
"All of us." Pam confirmed, nodding. "The entire family."
"Oh!" Mrs. Beesly cried, surprised. "Well, isn't that - Isn't that nice of him. Did he mention why…?"
"Nope. I just wasn't sure if you knew or not, so…"
She hesitated before saying what was clearly on her mind. "Honey, if this'll make you feel awkward, or upset, then just know that none of us expect anything from you but-"
"I'm fine, mom." She attempted a half-hearted roll of her eyes. "Seriously."
She earned a reproachful look from that.
"Okay," Pam relented. "Maybe I'm still a little…" What was the right word? "Rattled. From what happened. But really-"
"You never did tell me what happened, though." Mrs. Beesly pointed out. "You don't have to, of course." She added hastily at her daughter's hesitation.
"I, uh… Nothing happened, really. He just said what he said and I guess I was a little confused about it all - it was dark and we'd just been at a party and we were all on the verge of leaving…" She shook her head before she could say anything more. "I mean, I don't know. He's my best friend."
Her mother, miraculously, seemed to understand it all.
Late at night, right in the prolonged time between reading her book and actually falling asleep, when the room was bathed in soft darkness and her eyes were just tired enough to make everything seem a little fuzzy round the edges, she couldn't help but think of that night.
Something influential happened, something changed, and she still wasn't entirely sure how to feel about it.
On a whim, she blindly reached for her phone on the nightstand.
(1) unsent draft
composed 00:17
TO: Jim Halpert
i miss you
kudos to anyone who can guess what's happening with roy's dinner ;)