title taken from: "It's My Party" by Helen Shapiro

:)

"Is that what you're wearing?" Emily wrinkled her nose at her sister's current outfit.

"What's wrong with it?" Pam asked, not even trying to disguise her exasperation. She had already changed out of 2 other outfits already, having doubts about each of them, before finally choosing the one she was wearing currently: an old blouse and skirt combo that she had had since she was around Emily's age.

"Nothing, I guess, I just thought…" She leaned against the doorway, letting out a long-suffering sigh. "You might've wanted to make more of an effort for dinner with your boyfriend, who you, incidentally, haven't seen in a while."

Pam gave a noncommittal shrug. Truth be told, she wasn't exactly looking forward to the dinner. The possibility of seeing Roy again made her feel uneasy, and not just from the guilt of (technically) cheating on him.

"Well, I guess it's okay. Roy won't mind - and mom says we'll have to hurry, anyway, if we want to get there on time." She nodded, seemingly mostly to herself. "I'll go. I've gotta find my shoes."

"Okay," Pam called after her as her sister thudded down the stairs. Her gaze lingered on the hallway for a moment, before she managed to return to the task at hand.

She turned her straighteners back on and waited a few seconds for them to reheat, before gently picking them up and clamping them down on a section of hair. At the point of her interruption, she had only succeeded in doing half of her hair, and the rest sat in a curly wad over her shoulder.

A part of her wondered why she was going to this much effort for him - for any of this. Roy had never exactly made much of an effort for her, except for a few occasions when he deemed it necessary to impress. Since… Everything that happened before the break, she couldn't help but over-analyse every relationship she had in her life, and she was finding it more and more difficult to rationalise all of the worry over him.

(It wasn't as if the 5 years spent with him had been all bad. There had been plenty of lovely moments - mostly in the first couple of years, but still - and he probably knew her better than anyone. Despite her varying thoughts and other people's doubts, she truly believed he was a good guy at the core.

But there was just something that wasn't right about them. And since returning to school from Thanksgiving break, she had hardly thought of him when they weren't in direct contact. He didn't really understand her - which she knew was different from loving her, but nevertheless… She wanted, really, to be with someone who she didn't have to explain herself to constantly.)

Within 10 minutes she was done - though the last half still had a bit of a wave in it - and toeing on her flats. Before leaving her room to join her family in the car, she caught a look of herself in the mirror.

She was less tired-looking than she had been the day prior, but even she could tell that there was a certain weariness in her eyes. In the reflection, she watched herself touch a hand to the comforting outline of the necklace under her shirt.

"Isn't this exciting?" Helene Beesly remarked, staring up at the restaurant in front of them. It was admittedly rather bland by most standards, but compared to the usual date places Roy took her to (Chilli's, Applebee's, Hooters that one time, and occasionally Olive Garden if there was something to celebrate) it was overwhelmingly fancy.

Pam nodded in a way she hoped was convincing, shoving her hands in her pockets and pulling her jacket more tightly around her. "Roy said to be here at 7."

"It's 10 past." Emily interjected.

"Yeah, but…" Even to her own ears, her voice sounded full of doubt. Roy usually wasn't exactly on time.

"We'll freeze out here, though." Her father pointed out. "Let's just go inside, and if he's not there, we can wait."

There was mumblings of agreement from her mother and sister, and before she could decline the offer, they were all traipsing into the warm restaurant, hovering in the heated waiting area and looking pretty overdressed in their winter coats.

Pam shuffled her feet at the floor, scuffing one boot over the other, fully prepared to wait until Roy showed up, but was interrupted by Mrs. Beesly nudging her arm. "Isn't that him over there?"

She looked to where her mother was gesturing - a large booth in the far right corner of the room, and nodded. He was there, on time, dressed up for a change. He had foregone his usual attire of a teeshirt and khaki shorts for a poloshirt and smart-looking jeans.

To her left, her father was already speaking with the maître d'. She couldn't really hear over the thrum of the restaurant, but from the direction he was pointing in, it was clear he was explaining that they would be joining Roy.

"Ah, yes." The girl, who couldn't be much older than Pam, was saying. "I believe there are already menus there. Your waiter should be there soon after you've all settled in." She left them with a polite smile and vague wave towards the booth in the back.

Pam swallowed forcefully, and wondered why her feet wouldn't work.

Roy was pleasant during the entire meal.

And though she rationally knew this wasn't something she should be so surprised about, Pam couldn't help it. He gave serious answers to her parents questions about his studies in school, and followed them up with questions of his own about their work. He acknowledged her sister in conversation, only playfully referring to her as "pipsqueak" once. He ordered soda with his meal instead of beer.

Her parents, of course, were loving it.

Overall, the evening was going far more smoothly than she had first imagined when he sent the text.

Needless to say, it was rather a surprise when, halfway through the main meal, he changed conversation topics to his relationship to her.

"I just wanted to take the time, here, to thank you all for Pam." Roy grinned at each of her family members in turn, shaking his head when they tried to protest. "No, seriously. You - all of you, her family - are the ones who made her into the person she is today."

Unsure of what to say, Pam just shot him a smile that she could physically feel straining across her face.

"Pammie's been here, with me, through thick and thin. Even when I, you know. Wasn't accepted into the same college as her. Honestly, when I got that rejection letter in the mail, I thought that would be the end of us." At this, he reaches across the table for her hand, which she (stupidly, she thinks) left limply in front of her. "But she stuck with me."

"Aw," Mrs. Beesly cooed.

Next to her, Mr. Beesly was wearing a sort of uncomfortably pleased expression on his face.

To Pam's right, Emily's eyes were awkwardly fleeting all over the table, as if she wasn't quite sure what to look at.

She felt her hand start to clam up.

"And I know I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world…" Roy continued, shaking his head at himself. "God knows I've probably put Pam through some shi- Uh, stuff."

She was hyper-aware of his every movement, because the tone of his voice sounded like he was ramping up for something, and she didn't quite know what to expect.

"But 2016 is gonna be different."

She couldn't see where his other hand was.

"I'm gonna be better next year. The end of this year, too, I guess." His awkward laugh didn't do anything to relieve her tension.

He sobered, and done one more sweeping look at everyone sitting at the table. "Which is why I'm committing. For good. Right now."

He was shifting in his seat.

"Pammie - Pamela. I'm in love with you."

(She flinched at the words.)

And suddenly he was moving out of his seat, moving round to where she and Emily were sat. The latter immediately shifted her chair to the side to make room.

She couldn't take her eyes off him.

"And we've been together for a super long time. Through thick and thin, right?"

He was crouching, balancing, kneeling on one knee. In front of her.

"Pammie."

She risked one quick look at his eyes, and they were swimming with… Something.

She had to look away after just one second.

Meanwhile, he was slowly bringing one hand round his waist, and there was a little box clutched between his fingers.

"Will you marry me?"

He popped the lid.

Her mother reacted before she could, emanating a soft shriek. Her father and sister didn't say anything, but she could hear their breaths start to quicken. In the far background, there was a clicking noise. The reason she could hear so clearly was because she wasn't breathing at all.

(Later, when looking back at this moment, she would be wondering why she didn't do anything. Why she didn't say anything for so long, why she just wasn't thinking at all.)

She stared, slack-jawed, for nearly a minute before the first coherent thought passed through her mind.

"No", she thought, watching his eyes flick around.

"Um…"

"This can't be happening."

She felt her eyes start to prick and her cheeks warm, like when it was freezing outside and she stepped inside for the first time in a long while. Unpleasant, even though it should be the opposite - the heat overwhelming, making her feel like she couldn't breathe.

She couldn't breathe.

"I…"

Finally, she was able to tear her eyes away from the hoop, instead catching sight of Emily. Her face betrayed none of her thoughts - her sister was simply focused at a spot just past Pam, near the exit.

Roy murmured something that sounded an awful lot like "come on, Pam" and was obviously meant to be encouraging.

"No." She uttered, still feeling stunned by the whole thing.

Time had been passing excruciatingly slowly since he dropped to one knee, but suddenly, it was all back at normal speed.

"Pamela." Her father said, speaking for the first time since before Roy began his speech.

"Are you-" This came from either her mother or her sister, but she couldn't be sure which.

"No." She said again, louder this time.

"What—?" Roy began, but was cut off.

Pam shook her head, so quickly that she could feel her brain rattling around. "No."

"You're saying no?" Roy asked, eyebrows shooting up into his head.

She was saying no. She, Pamela Morgan Beesly, had absolutely no intention of marrying Roy Anderson.

"People are staring," he continued, in a warning tone of voice.

It was true - the people from the tables around them were, explicitly, staring right at them. The eyes of the whole restaurant, it seemed, were trained to the scenario happening at that exact moment.

And it was mortifying.

"We've never talked about this before." Her voice was going wobbly. "Why would you do a public proposal if we've never even spoken about marriage?"

"Romantic gesture." Roy stated, as if it was obvious. He was still kneeling, box still open in one hand.

"Well, I don't… I can't-"

"Pam-"

"I have to go." She said it mostly to herself than anyone else, but all of a sudden she found herself packing up her things, setting her plate to the side.

Her family remained sitting, seemingly in shock. Blinking forcefully, Pam grabbed her coat from the back of her chair and stumbled through the restaurant, not even knowing where she was going, just needing to get as far away from the situation as possible.

thanks for reading so far!