Okay, I was listening to the OST for the movie Tuck Everlasting, particularly the one entitled "Winnie and Tuck," and God…. I'm really crying my eyes out as I'm writing this author's note, and I was crying throughout the creation of this chapter. Hope you enjoy chapter 4!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.
Arthur stood there, hands clasped in front of him, oblivious to everything and everyone around him, his eyes only for the sleek brown casket that was already lowered into the ground.
His mother and father were there, and though upon arriving at the chapel he greeted his mother warmly with a hug, he only acknowledged his father with a stiff nod, leading Morgana away before Uther could speak. Arthur knew it wasn't Uther's fault of what happened, but he had no desire to reconcile as of yet.
He vaguely remembered the sermon, and various friends like Will, Gwaine, Lance, and Gwen delivering eulogies on behalf of Merlin. Arthur himself refused to; he could not stomach the thought of standing there in front of the crowd, saying goodbye to the man he loved so much, when only a handful actually knew the true relationship between Merlin and himself. The others didn't need to know the depths of his grief.
He remembered being one of the ones to carry the casket out of the chapel, barely registering the heavy weight of the task, threatening to bring him down to his knees.
Arthur had carried Merlin before, but never had it been so difficult to.
The walk to the gravesite seemed to last an eternity, and when it came time to place the casket to the ground, Arthur nearly stumbled, knowing that this was the last time he would ever do anything remotely close to carrying Merlin ever again. He nearly broke right then and there, but bit back the stifled cry that so desperately wanted to leave him.
He didn't pay much attention to anything else, his eyes only for the casket containing Merlin's body. The body that no longer held Merlin anymore, empty and hollow as a vessel would be once its essence has left it.
Arthur shivered and clenched his jaw, forcing such thoughts out of his mind.
As they were lowering the casket into the ground, Arthur heard a soft murmuring and he wrenched his eyes away from the casket to glance up.
Gaius was standing just opposite of him, his long, black cloak fluttering in the wind, an arm placed around the shoulders of none other than Hunith Emrys. Hunith had her eyes closed as she leaned heavily into Gaius's support, looking very much like she was going to faint at any moment. Her face was void of tears, but not of the sorrow that Arthur knew was there.
Arthur felt a harsh chill enter his previously numb body, and then he felt a hot wave of shame. He spent this whole time wallowing in despair and agony for his lost love, that he didn't even stop to consider Hunith, Merlin's mother. Hunith, who had just lost her son.
Oh God, the pain she must be in.
His thoughts came to a rigid halt as Hunith suddenly opened her eyes and locked her gaze on his, her soft, bright blue eyes, Merlin's eyes, meeting his own.
And Arthur stood in a stunned marvel at the absolute strength of this woman, this wonderful, lovely woman, for as soon as she saw Arthur, she smiled. A smile of grief, but at the same time a smile of comfort, of the love from a mother, one that he's seen from Ygraine so many times before.
Hunith, who had lost her only son, her only child, was comforting Arthur.
That is what prompted the first tear to fall. And then another.
His bottom lip quivered, his face crumbled, he wrapped an arm around his torso and the other hand covered his mouth, vision turning back to that familiar thick blur.
Still, he saw Hunith's smile.
xXx
During the reception, Arthur lost Hunith, but he had overheard from a woman who appeared to be one of Merlin's distant relatives of Hunith's whereabouts.
"...going to stay with her uncle Gaius for a while. Couldn't stay here for long. Not that I blame her. Absolutely devastating, losing one's child. Poor dear."
He had muttered an explanation to Morgana, who had waved away his apologies and smiled her understanding. After giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, Arthur had sprinted out of the reception and headed to where he parked his car, and had at once set off in the direction of Gaius's home.
Now here he was, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart as he raised a fist to knock on the front door of Gaius's home.
The old man answered after a moment, and upon seeing it was Arthur his eyes softened.
"Arthur, my boy," he said, gathering Arthur in his arms.
"Hello, Gaius," Arthur answered, returning the hug gently. "I'm… I'm so sorry for your loss."
"It's our loss, Arthur," Gaius muttered lowly, patting Arthur's upper back.
They pulled away from each other, their expressions a mirror image of the other's from the day's events.
"Hunith… May I see her?" Arthur asked, shifting his weight nervously.
For a moment, it looked as though Gaius was going to object, but eventually the old man sighed and nodded. "Come in, Arthur," he beckoned with a withered hand, stepping aside to allow Arthur to enter. Arthur passed him cautiously, suddenly afraid that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, that seeing Hunith this soon after all that had happened would prove to be damaging.
But Gaius patted his shoulder and gestured to the kitchen silently, before proceeding to the living area. Arthur sighed and walked to where Hunith resided.
Hunith was sitting at the table, a cup of tea in front of her, completely untouched. The woman looked completely and utterly defeated, her eyes glazed over and staring at the surface of the wooden table without blinking. Arthur gulped and stepped further inside, announcing his presence. Hunith glanced up at the sound of footsteps and stood almost abruptly once she saw Arthur, nearly knocking over the cup in her haste.
"Arthur," she breathed unsteadily, eyes welling up and jaw wobbling. She opened her mouth to say more, but only a stifled cry passed her lips.
Arthur lurched forward, arms ready and open as he caught Hunith, who collapsed into his hold as soon as his arms wrapped around her, clutching the back of his suit jacket desperately.
"Oh, God!" she whimpered, voice cracking as her voice became more shrill. "Oh my God, Arthur! My baby boy! Not my baby boy, not my Merlin!"
Her sobs and shrieks grew in intensity and it was all Arthur could do to keep her body upright and not fall to the ground with her. A boiling ball settled in his heart and twisted and coiled as he struggled to maintain composure. Hunith's cries and pleas for her son were heart-wrenching and all Arthur wanted to do was scream and cry with her, but he wouldn't allow himself to. His eyes were screwed shut, not wanting to shed any of his own tears and intrude in this moment of grief that could only be Hunith's, could only be a mother's grief for her son.
"Not my Merlin, Arthur!" she wailed, and Arthur could feel her strength leaving her with every cry. He trembled and held her steadfast, blinking back the wetness that gathered involuntarily in his eyes. "Not my baby boy..."
A shuddering exhale left Arthur's lips as he mumbled into her hair, "I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry…."
Later on found Arthur carrying Hunith back into her room, placing her still form on her bed. She had cried herself out moments before, the stress and overwhelming emotions of the day finally catching up to her until she cried herself to sleep.
Arthur had slowly lifted her, feeling completely out of place as he carried Hunith to her room. He shouldn't have to do this. He shouldn't have to hold Hunith for the reasons he had held her, he shouldn't have to carry her to her room so that she may sleep for probably the first time since…
And Merlin shouldn't have….
Arthur sighed and sniffed as he covered Hunith with the thick blanket at the foot of her bed, stroking back the hair that had fallen down her forehead. He kept his hand on her forehead, feeling the creases and lines of a woman far older than Hunith beneath his palm. Even in sleep, she could not find peace.
Arthur heard slow footfalls coming in from behind him, yet he did not look away from Hunith's sleeping face.
"This is the first time she's allowed herself to grieve since it happened," Gaius muttered lowly as he came to a halt beside Arthur. Arthur blinked, but still didn't glance up at the old man. "She didn't shed a tear, not when we received the news, not when we made the arrangements, not at the funeral… It has finally caught up to her."
Arthur took in a deep breath. "Maybe I shouldn't have come here."
He glanced over to Gaius at the same time that Gaius raised his eyebrow. "Don't."
"This isn't my place," Arthur insisted. "She just-She just lost her son, and I…"
Gaius sighed deeply as Arthur trailed off, and gently yet firmly took Arthur by the elbow and led him out of the room silently, shutting the door behind them. He led Arthur to the living area and sat him down on the couch, departing to the kitchen to fetch Arthur a cup of tea.
Once they were both settled, a steaming mug in Arthur hands, Gaius spoke.
"Now you listen to me, and listen to me well, Arthur," Gaius began. "We've all lost someone today. Hunith lost her son, I lost the closest thing I had to one, I loved Merlin as though he were my own. Others lost a dear friend. And you… You lost someone very special and important in your life, that you loved, and still do."
Gaius leaned over and placed a hand on the back of Arthur neck, tilting his head so that Arthur met his gaze. "Never feel like your grief is beneath anyone else's, Arthur. You have the right to cry, to grieve, and to miss him… Same as all of us."
Arthur sighed shakily.
"And Arthur," Gaius continued. "Listen to an old man's plea, and take care of yourself. Don't shut us out. After all, you're very important to everyone, and to me as well."
Arthur truly looked into Gaius's eyes, the man that he'd known to be another uncle, could even go so far as to say he was like another father to him, and saw the raw sorrow etched into his aged face. He swallowed and nodded frantically, sniffing.
"I-I promise," he muttered. "I promise."
Gaius offered a tiny sad smile, dropping the hand on Arthur's neck and slowly standing. He seemed to pause for a moment, and then he spoke again. "And Arthur?"
Arthur's eyes flickered in acknowledgement.
He was silent was Gaius walked forward to where he was sitting, didn't say a word as Gaius placed a hand on the back of Arthur's head and pulled him in for a hug. He found himself leaning his forehead on Gaius's stomach, reaching up and clutching the black cloak Gaius still had on.
"I'm so very sorry, Arthur," Gaius said, his voice thick with unshed tears. "Truly I am."