Chapter 5! I'm sorry if the characters come across a bit OOC, I've had a major case of writer's block and wrote this around the early hours of the morning. Though I did try my best to keep them in character, I'm not too thoroughly convinced that they are. Well, hope you all enjoy!

Depressing song for this chapter: Holocene by Bon Iver.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Merlin.

It was while he was twisting the key in the ignition of his car, his mind complete set on driving home to collapse on his bed and sleeping the rest of his life away, that he remembered he left Morgana at the reception.

Jaw clenched, he aimlessly drove around the small residential area, battling with his thoughts. He felt guilty, leaving the reception like he did despite having a reason, but he really, really did not want to go back. He didn't want to return to a place of such sorrow, didn't want to be in a place that constantly threw it in his face that Merlin was gone, that they had just placed him in a casket and buried him in the earth.

As if his heart hadn't already suffered enough.

His phone chimed with a text, and he slowly parked on the side of the road to answer it. He then noticed that along with the next text, he also received a few others he wasn't aware of.

I know you don't want to, but it would be better if you were here.

Percival.

Morgana said you were with Hunith. Please send her my love.

Gwen.

Please come back Arthur, we need you here.

Lance.

I'm sorry mate.

Gwaine.

Arthur sighed, an elbow propped on the steering wheel, his forehead on his closed fist, counting his forcibly calm breaths. After a moment, he suddenly sat up, slapping the wheel. Turning shifting the gear to drive, he sped off.

xXx

He began walking over by a table near the bar, where Morgana, Gwen and Lance, Will, Elyan, Percival, Gwaine, and Leon were all seated. As he was approaching, he noticed them talking in faint smiles, occasionally one of the girls would dab her eyes with a napkin or handkerchief, and as he got closer he caught snippets of a story Will seemed to be recounting.

"... couldn't imagine my luck. Out of all those kids, I got that scrawny little git to sit next to. I thought it was so unfair, I didn't share my crayons for the whole first week, which was like the greatest insult to a six-year-old."

Morgana let out a watery laugh, while the men around him chuckled. By then, Arthur reached the table, unintentionally announcing his presence and putting a halt to Will's story.

Morgana was the first to notice. "Arthur," she smiled, gesturing to the empty chair to her right. There were scattered greetings from everyone at the table as he sat down, he tried to ignore the relieved smiles, worried stares, or the twitching gazes of those who tried to appear as though they weren't staring. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, shifting in his chair.

"Sorry, I was… I was with Hunith," he muttered, almost too lowly for the group at the table to hear him.

"We know, mate, Morgana told us," Gwaine said, sliding over a glass to where Arthur sat. "Saved you a pint."

Arthur nodded his thanks and took the glass, resisting the urge to completely down the entire thing in one go. Reluctantly, he settled for long sip before placing the pint down.

It took a little bit of prompting, but the group once again fell into conversation. Arthur listened silently as his friends and sister talked about Merlin, of their memories of him, amused grins being exchanged as they remembered the many quirks he had. Arthur remained quiet. His memories of Merlin were private; he did not wish to let the group know of just how much of Merlin they didn't know, and will never know. Like how his eyes sparkled when he grinned, how soft his hair was when Arthur interlocked his fingers in it, how his face flushed after a particularly heated kiss, how his voice sounded after saying "I love you…"

Arthur took another large gulp out of his pint, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb after placing it back down.

After a moment, his silence was interrupted. "Arthur," Morgana whispered. Arthur gave a slight jump at her sudden intrusion. "How was Hunith?"

Arthur ducked his head at that, trying in vain to blank out the vision of the woman crying and grieving in his arms for the first time since her son's death. "She, um… She's not doing well." Morgana bit her lip worriedly, her gaze downcast.

There wasn't a chance to say more after that, for Gwaine suddenly stood from his chair, halting all conversation happening among the friends.

"I'd like to make a toast," the man announced to the table. He raised his glass. "To Merlin."

xXx

"Mind if I join you?"

From where he was leaning against his car door, Arthur glanced up to find Gwaine standing in front of his, one hand in his pocket, the other grasping a silver flask. Arthur recognized it as the one he and Merlin got for him as a gag gift. The blonde gave a miniscule shrug and returned his gaze to the paved ground beneath him. He heard Gwaine approach him, and then felt a slight nudge on his right arm as Gwaine also leaned back against his car, taking a swig from his flask.

Gwaine cleared his throat roughy, and then the silver flask passed through his line of vision.

"Here," Gwaine muttered, his voice hoarse presumably from the alcohol. "Figure you might need it. Better than the cheap stuff they have in there."

Arthur hesitated, meeting Gwaine's eyes briefly, before he eventually took the flask from his friend, throwing back a large gulp.

The drink burned and crackled the entire way down his throat, nearly forcing him to cough it all back up, yet he swallowed, welcoming the fire that was in his throat and traveling down into his stomach. Already, he felt the warmth that only alcohol could bring, and he noticed his hands were shaking as he passed the flask back to Gwaine. Arthur exhaled shortly, clenching his fists to stop the twitching.

The two men were silent for a moment, only interrupted when Gwaine once again drank from the flask and coughed deeply as he gulped it down.

Finally, Gwaine spoke. "I knew."

Confused, Arthur looked up with lowered brows. "What?"

Gwaine wasn't looking at him, yet he smirked without humor. "I knew for a while. About you and Merlin."

Arthur heart dropped and a growing cold horror swept throughout his body, leaving his fingers and toes numbs and his heart racing. He watched helplessly as Gwaine waited patiently while he stuttered and stumbled furiously over his sentences, and when Arthur finally stopped trying to talk and settled for a blanched expression on his pale face, Gwaine finally turned to look at him.

Arthur felt a vague sense of bewilderment at the lack of judgement in Gwaine's face.

"H-How the bloody hell did you know?" Arthur finally managed to choke out.

Gwaine gave a small, amused "hmm" and smiled with a softness that contrasted with his gruff face. "More perceptive than you give me credit for, Arthur," he shrugged. "At first, I was just guessing. Little stuff changed, you know? The way you treated one another, the way you talked about the other, how much time spent together, all that. But then I became certain a little while ago."

"How?" Arthur demanded.

"I saw you," Gwaine answered casually. "If you wanted to keep it secret, you two shouldn't have kissed in the park where I run every day, mate."

Arthur's jaw snapped shut, his teeth clicking on impact, and flushed. Gwaine chuckled, nudging Arthur's arms playfully.

"Relax, princess," Gwaine said. "I'm not judging. In fact, I was quite pleased that you two ended up together. In all seriousness, you two… It made sense."

Gwaine looked back down at his flask, lightly stroking the mouthpiece as a thoughtful look came across his face.

"He really cared for you, you know? I could definitely see that," Gwaine muttered, his smile faltering until it was just a twitch of the lips. "And you…" Gwaine's eyes met Arthur's again. "You loved him too, didn't you?"

Arthur was speechless for a moment, an invisible obstacle in his throat rejecting any sensible words from leaving. He exhaled, and was horrified to feel a stifled sob escape. He quickly turned away from Gwaine, staring at the building that the reception was currently being held in.

He forced his eyes to remain dry as he nodded furiously. He eventually spoke, his voice thick and cracked.

"I just… I-I don't know what to do," Arthur said, knowing Gwaine was looking right at him. "I… I loved him so much. And now he's gone, and I don't know what to do."

He heard Gwaine sigh, and saw in his peripheral vision as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think either of us do, Arthur," he said. "Listen, we all cared deeply for Merlin. I get that I cannot even begin to understand what you're going through, and I'm not going to pretend like I get it. Our loss is different. But it was still our loss. It was still their-" He saw Gwaine gesture toward the building, where their friends still were "-loss. No one can get through this alone, so don't think that you have to find a way to, alright? And I know you and I have never been the best of friends, but if you ever need someone to help you get completely and utterly pissed-"

This startled a laugh out of Arthur, turning to look at Gwaine, ignoring the sudden knowledge at the back of his mind that this was the first time he had laughed in quite a while. Gwaine grinned and continued, "- you know where I'm at."

Gwaine placed a hand on Arthur's shoulder squeezed firmly. "And for what it's worth, and I'm sure you're sick of hearing this by now, but… I am sorry."

The brief moment of euphoria brought on by the laughter quelled down by now, and Arthur's lips pressed together in a tight line. But instead of the crushing, almost-suffocating grief that engulfed him moments before, there was now a type of fondness toward Gwaine, and toward his friends inside that building.

It was tiny, he almost didn't feel it, but there was a sliver of hope inside Arthur that wasn't there before. He could get through this. Getting over Merlin would take time, and it's probably something that Arthur will never truly accomplish, but he could cope and heal.

The pain was still there, raw and fresh, but he could get through this.

"I'm sorry, too," Arthur responded.

Gwaine dropped his hand from Arthur's shoulder and raised his flask toward the heavens. "Cheers, Merlin." He swallowed back a small sip, and then passed it to Arthur.

Slowly, Arthur grabbed it and raised it as well, though it held it for a moment, staring longingly at the vast sky above them, wondering just where Merlin was in that infinity.

"I love you, Merlin," he said, bringing the flask to his lips and swallowing down more fire.

Gwaine didn't comment on Arthur's declaration, but took back the flask and clapped a hand Arthur's upper back.

"Let's get back inside, I just remembered that they had sent me out to get you a while back," Gwaine said, pushing himself away from the car.

Chuckling, Arthur made to follow his lead, but paused for a moment. He looked back up at the sky, noticing the orange tint as the afternoon progressed into evening, a sunset approaching in the distance.

"Beautiful, isn't it, the sky?"

"Really beautiful."

"Arthur, you're not even looking at the sky."

"No, just something more beautiful."

"Psshhh, and you call me the girl, you sap."

"I can see why the sky is beautiful now, Merlin," Arthur whispered. "But not for the reasons you said. It's beautiful now because you're in it."

He turned back around and followed Gwaine back into the reception.