title taken from: "despite what you've been told" by Two Gallants
"So, what's up?" She was going for a sort of casual vibe.
"Um, nothing, just. You look about ready to pass out."
Huh. Looked like the whole "casual" thing wasn't working out, after all. Pam tried to school her expression into something less conspicuous. "I'm fine, sorry." She replied, once she thought she had succeeded.
"You don't have to apologise…" He raised an eyebrow. Was he laughing at her? "Uh, but, are you alright?"
"Yeah? Yeah. I'm fine! Why?"
Jim merely blinked at her.
"Oh, right, sorry, I know why. You just told me why. I'm fine, anyway. No need to worry."
"…Right, then." He took a step back, clearly intending to move past her to continue on his way.
Now was her chance! She could tell him what she came out here to do! What she left the safe cocoon of her room to do! Now!
"I…"
Now!
"I…"
"I should go." Jim interrupted her non-sentence, squinting into the distance with a shrug.
Of course, he had places to be! People to see! Things to do! Yet another reason why it would be best for her to leave her confession until a later date.
"Oh, sure! Sorry. That's okay. I'll have to get going, too… Um. I'll see you around, right?"
"See you around." He looked conflicted, as if there was something else he might want to say, but at the last moment simply shook his head, gave her a little wave, and continued on his way.
Meaning that Plan A had officially failed.
Ugh.
Karen had organised another date for the night - something more casual, thankfully, just coffee at a little independent place downtown - meaning he had had to rush out of class, hurry across the grass, get back to his dorm as quick as possible.
But then he'd ran into Pam, and she just looked so lost and maybe a little sad, even, and really it would only be fair of him to at least stop and ask her how she was doing.
As usual, the conversation was short and stunted, and left him feeling a whole lot worse than he did before.
Though there was no time to think. Stopping had made him late, and so he had a whole lot less time to get ready now.
So he banished all thoughts of Pam from his head, and went about his day.
(Needless to say, it didn't exactly work out.)
When she confessed her plan to Kelly, her friend emitted a squeal so loud that Pam had to cover her ears for protection. Once her friend had calmed down a little, she was able to explain her reaction. "Oh. My. God, Pam! I had no idea! I mean, okay, sure, I had a little bit of an idea but, you know, you kept denying everything and stuff… But now you've finally admitted it?! You love Jim!"
"Woah, no." Pam hastily interrupted. Couldn't have Kelly getting the wrong idea about all this. Hah. Love? That was ridiculous. "I don't think love is the right term to use."
Kelly appeared to humour her, though rolled her eyes as she conceded. "Fine, whatever. Call it whatever you want, it doesn't matter. But, Pam, this is huge!" At this, she reached over to fling her arms around Pam's neck, forcing her to reel back a little to prevent from toppling over.
"I tried to talk to him today." Pam admitted once her friend had released her, staring at a spot on the floor. "We ran into each other outside, and I really meant to tell him, but the words just - Just wouldn't come out. I just stood there, stuttering, until he finally made his excuses and left." She groaned as she relived the moment. God, why was she so awkward?
Kelly nodded, eyes wide in sympathy. "I remember what it was like trying to get Ryan to notice me." She sighed, explaining. "It's tough."
"Um… Yeah." Pam replied, not entirely sure she could relate to Kelly's experience. The other girl was acting surprisingly empathetically, though, so she accepted her efforts. "Anyway, I just - I don't know. After what happened today, I'm kinda scared to try again. Before, I had this rush of anticipation and boldness, like I knew exactly what I wanted and exactly how to go about getting it… But in the moment, I just froze." She shook her head.
Her friend appeared to be mulling the situation over, eyebrows knitted together in thought. Finally, she came back to Earth, and a sheepish, almost guilty look came across her face. "Jim and Karen are going out tonight. I passed her in the hall earlier - she seemed pretty excited about it."
"Ugh," Pam groaned, covering her face with her hands. She attempted to shove down any feelings of anger or disappointment - it wasn't his fault, or Karen's for that matter… Neither of them knew. Nobody knew.
Except, now, Kelly.
"But that totally doesn't mean you've lost your chance." Her roommate encouraged. "You can just, like, tell him tomorrow." She then proceeded to detail exactly how Pam could go about admitting her feelings to him, complete with a step-by-step plan.
As Kelly was distracted, Pam pulled out her phone.
sent 19:47 - 19:58
TO: Jim Halpert
FROM: Pam
i know you might not want to hear this right now but
i don't know i'm feeling impulsive and if we do it this way then i cant run away right?
i guess i just really miss our friendship
like we used to be really close and now
things are just weird between us?
and it sucks
i wish we could go back to the way things were but i know its not exactly fair to say that
i suppose i just want to say
i miss our friendship
and i miss the old group
we hardly ever hang out anymore! i miss hanging out
(mostly with you, not the whole group)
and i wanted to say this when we ran into each other today but i froze
i dont even know if sending these texts is a good idea or not but im feeling impulsive
im sorry if this makes you feel weird
i just needed you to know
As she watched the little blue bar shoot across the top of her screen, signalling the final text had been delivered, she wondered why the words felt so familiar to her.
It was but a moment later when a small tick appeared at the bottom of her last message.
read 20:01