I woke up to something unusual. Dan wasn't in the kitchen eating breakfast. I thought to myself that maybe he was sleeping in. I walked down the hall way to his bedroom and knocked on the door. No answer. I open the door a bit to see if he was still sleeping but he wasn't. To my surprise Dan wasn't even in his room.
I got worried and went into the kitchen. On the table there was a piece of lined paper.
I picked it up to find it was a note Dan had left me. In my head I read:
You're feeling sad, you're feeling blue
It's sad I know, but this isn't you
You are better than this
And you will make it through
You're so much more, unclench that fist
What are you doing with that blade to your wrist?
Put it down, you're better than this
This isn't the you that I kissed
You're amazing because you are you
So why do you do the things that you do?
Darling, you are better than this
Take it from me because I know it's true
You may feel sad and alone now
But it gets better, and you'll see how
Because you are better than this
And so much more than the world will allow
I Love You
- Dan
He was so cute. Sometimes he would leave me these adorable little notes, but this was the first poem. This made me feel so much better.
When Dan said he knew I self-harmed, I was completely shocked. I never knew he knew that. I never thought he would even care.
A few minutes later I hear our flat door open. I rush to the door to see Dan carrying a bag.
"Where did you go?" I asked with a smile
"To the pharmacy to get cold medicine." He said reaching into his bag "Here I saw this in the store and thought you might like it" He pulled out a Kinder Egg and tossed it at me.
"Ooh yay!" I exclaimed as I caught it. "I loved the poem, Dan, it was really sweet." I said smiling and trying to open the Kinder Egg.
"I'm glad you did I wrote that last night." He said putting his bag on the table. "But I did mean every single word I said, and I hope you know that. I love you, Phil." He said so sweetly and giving me a hug.
"Dan how did you find out about my self harming?" I said, still hugging him.
"Well when you were away, I was looking for something. I thought you borrowed it so I went in your room to look for it. When I opened the drawer, I saw your bloody blades. Then I noticed the bloody tissues in your bin. After that, I noticed you had cuts on your shoulder, hips, and ankles. And when you put that bit in the video, I didn't want you to because I didn't want you doing anything worse because of what others had to say." He said hugging me tighter.
"Why do you care so much? I mean it's just little cuts."
"It is just little cuts, Phil, but it's the reasons for those cuts. And sometimes the cuts aren't really that little. I know how it is ,Phil, I used to self-harm too. I know how you feel when the blade touches your skin. You're hurting yourself because you don't feel good enough, because you feel that bad you want to feel pain. You feel like the whole world is against you and nothing could get better. You do it as a form of punishment for everything you think you're doing wrong. You feel stuck and don't know to release your feelings." Dan said starting to cry and laying his head on my shoulder.
"Dan I had no idea, I'm so sorry."
"Phil, I need you to stop self-harming. I know It'll be hard, but I need you to. I know how it is to feel like that. Cut after cut after cut, every cut gets closer and closer to suicide. If that ever happened to you, I don't know where I'd be. You were the reason I stopped. You helped in my long recovery. The way you accepted me and loved me right back exactly the way I was. Phil, you saved my life, and it hurts like hell knowing you're doing this to yourself. I need you to stop, Phil, and I will do all I can to keep you happy, I promise." Dan said crying into my jumper and hugging me even tighter.
"I love you Dan, from the end of space and back." I said taking his hand and leading him into the lounge to sit on the sofa. "you're my everything, sunshine, and I will try my very hardest just for you." I said to Dan as we sat on the sofa.
Dan's face was soaked in tears and he was sniffling. His beautiful brown eyes were staring into mine. He drove me absolutely nuts with his cuteness and adorable actions. He looked so upset I felt bad. I pat my lap gesturing for him to come and sit on my lap. I just wanted to snuggle him and kiss him and love him and let him know everything will be fine eventually. I needed Dan, I needed his presence, his love, to see his beautiful face everyday, I needed him. Dan was like a drug. Everything about him could get you hooked instantly.
As he scooted over to my lap, he started to cry again.
"What's the matter, why are you crying again?" I asked hugging him
"I just cant loose you, Phil, every time I think of life without you, I see darkness and depression. I cant loose you, I just fucking cant!" He said raising his voice.
"You will never loose me, Dan, I'm here to stay, forever, until my very last breath." I said as he laid his head on my chest.
I slowly pet his hair as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. I could feel his chest moving as he slowly breathed in and out. He made me feel warm inside, he made my heart do that flippy over thing. I loved him more than anything else in the world and would give anything to see him smile. He was my special guy, he was my guardian angel.