Chapter10: I just don't know

Today is the day, today Dan and I are going to announce our relationship. Today is the day Dan and I come out to the entire internet. I'm not sure how I feel about today, I mean we have so many fans that want this, but then we have those that don't. I really don't want to loose any fans because of this, I love them all equally, and so does Dan. I've been thinking on a way to do this, but I'm still not sure. Do I make a video? Tweet it? Put it on Tumblr or Facebook? I had no clue, and to be honest I haven't even told Dan this yet.

So many bad things could happen, so many people could turn against us. I just don't know what I want to do. So many things could happen, both good and bad. "Maybe I shouldn't do this", I think to myself.

Coming out to the world and admitting Dan and I were a couple was a big thing. I was terrified by what others would think. Some would love it, some would be ok with it, and others would hate it.

"Dan, can you come in the lounge a sec, I need to talk to you." I yell for Dan in his bedroom.

He sits down, "What is it?" He asks.

"I've been thinking about something a lot lately and I'm not sure about it.." I pause.

"Phil, what is it? You can talk to me about anything, you know." He says putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Well, you may or may not like this idea, but I was thinking about making a video, a different kind of video, and I would need you to be in it.." I paused again.

"Well what kind of video then?" He asks.

"I want to come out to the internet." I blurt out. "I think it's unfair that we've kept us a secret from everyone. I don't want to have to hide it anymore, a feeling like this, it's hard and very uneasy. Don't you get tired of reading and watching our posts and videos over and over again to make sure there's no little hints about us? I do. And to be honest, I hate it." I start to get emotional.

"Phil, I'm not sure you hear yourself correctly, coming out to the world? Do you know how much shit we'd get for it?"

"Yeah, but, think of all the good things, all those people who ship us, they'd be so happy to know that Phan is real and they don't have to pretend anymore. Don't you wanna get all this hiding stuff over with?" I asked.

"Phil, I know you really want to do this, but I'm scared. So many people would hate our guts, and I'm not ready to loose any fans. I don't know if I want to do this." He replies.

I start to cry. "It's ok, I guess, you're probably right. I was having trouble thinking of asking you and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to. I was afraid to ask you because I knew you'd react this way, negatively, and I didn't want that. I should have kept it to myself, I'm sorry." I say running to my bedroom in tears.

This was the first time Dan and I actually strongly disagreed with each other.

Dan came running after me, still in his pajamas. I slammed the door shut and cried into my pillow as Dan banged on the door and asked to be let in.

"Phil, open the door, please? Can we talk about this? I'm sorry. Please let me in, hon." Dan asked pounding on the door three times.

I didn't answer. I reach in my drawer next to my bed. I had razor blades hidden away.

"Phil, please. I love you so much, I want to work this out! Please let me in, please." He asks again. "Phil, please don't cut yourself, I know you're at least thinking about it. Please don't do this. Let me in. I want to talk this out."

"Why do you care?" I shout back. I press the blade against my skin and I press even harder. I slide the blade along my wrist from left to right, and the blood starts dripping.

"Phil, I love you so much and I hate knowing you hurt yourself, I hate that you even think about that stuff. Please let me in, I love you."

"You don't need me, maybe if I wasn't your boyfriend, we wouldn't have to go through this." I shout as the blood runs down my arms.

"Phil! Don't you say that! I would never wish that, I love you! Please let me in, now! Don't hurt yourself, let me in, I need to help you!"

I could hear him slam his body against the door, trying to break through, and start crying. He didn't know how hard it was, and how much it hurt to keep us hidden. Sure we held hands and walked together out in public, but London wasn't the whole entire world. I was frustrated, I didn't know if I wanted to do this, and I was sure Dan would act the way he did, but I was hoping he wouldn't, and I think that's what set me off. I didn't have my mind clear about what I wanted to do, and then I ask Dan what he thinks, hoping and expecting for the best, but thinking the worst. And that's what happened, the worst, that's what made me feel this way. I just wasn't sure.

I press and slide the blade across my wrist many more times, creating a pool of blood on my arm and lap.

"Phil, don't you do this to yourself, let me in! I need to help you!" Dan says crying and still pounding on the door.

I look on my wardrobe, and I see a bottle of pills. They were from a sickness I had recently and there was still quite a few left.

What's one less life?

At that point I wanted to die, I wanted everything to be over. I stumble over to my wardrobe and reach for the pills. I clumsily trip over my own two trembling feet and knock over the pills. I reach for the pills that spilled out and grab a whole bunch in my hands.

Dan pounds on the door even harder, because he herd the pills. "PHIL! Put down those pills! Don't you do this! We can work this out!" He screams and slams against the door so hard he finally breaks in. He runs over to me and throws himself to the ground right where I was. By that time I already had swallowed the pills. I was laying on the ground, waiting for the pills to save me from this world. Dan reaches into his pocket quickly and unsteadily dials 999 for the ambulance.

Dan holds my head and cries over me until the ambulance gets here. He kisses my lips repeatedly, begging god to save my life. He brushes my hair out of my face and gently runs his hand around my face whispering to himself "please don't die".

Then the ambulance arrives and busts through the front door. I was barely still awake when I herd Dan yell "We're in here".

I wake up in a hospital bed and Dan sitting in a chair next to my bed, crying to himself with his hands over his face.

"…Dan…" I say with just enough breath.

He looks up immediately and grabs me and hugs me as tight as he would let himself. He pressed his face into my neck and wraps his arms around me. He sits on the bed, still hugging me. I hug him back.

"Phil… are you alright?" He asks.