Chapter 11: I'm so Sorry
My eyes were heavy, and Dan was hugging me tight. I was in a hospital room and the windows were open. I didn't really remember what happened. All I remembered was I was laying on the floor of my bedroom and having a lot of pills in my hand. It felt as if everything that had happened last night was a movie, but then why was I in the hospital?
"…I.. I'm fine, Dan." I stutter with a tired voice.
"Phil, do you remember what happened, do you know why you're here?" Dan asked looking me in the eyes. His eyes looked tired and he was beginning to get dark bags under his eyes.
"…No, what happened, why am I here?" I said concerned looking back into his eyes.
"Maybe its better if I didn't tell you right now, but they want you to stay here for a few days and then they suggest you go to therapy." Dan said holding my hand.
"But what happened? Why do I need to stay here? Why do I have to see a therapist?" I said looking him in the eyes.
"Well 3 days ago.."
"3 days ago? Have I been in here that long?" I asked interrupting him.
"..Yes you've been awake only a few times but you probably don't remember it, you've been asleep for most of the 3 days you were here." Dan said yawning
"Are you tired, it's like 10:00 in the morning?" I asked
"I've had trouble sleeping, and actually, I haven't slept at all. I've been too worried about you to do anything…" He answered
"You've sat here worrying about me for 3 days straight? Have you even left that chair?" I say to him grabbing him and hugging him tightly.
He laid his head on my shoulder and I could hear him breathe in relief as he hugged me right back.
He pulled away, but still holding my hand.
"I've had trouble doing anything, eating, drinking, sleeping, functioning. I couldn't do anything for the last 3 days, I've been too worried about you, I mean, loosing you is the scariest thing, and that's all I could think about. I just can't loose you, not now, not ever."
"Loosing me? Why would you loose me? What happened?" I questioned.
"Well… 3 days ago, you had this idea for a video you wanted to make, and you wanted me to be in it, but it was a different kind of video. I disagreed with it and you got really upset." He started to cry.
"Dan tell me what happened, please." I asked inviting him to come sit on the bed with me.
"Phil, you tried to commit suicide, you wanted to take your own life because I said we weren't doing the video you wanted to do. You wanted to die because of something I did. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for this. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I ever lost you because of something I did, I would never forgive myself for that." He said crying into his hands.
I hugged him tight and wouldn't let go. I kissed his head and rubbed his back as he cried into my chest. My shirt was wet but I didn't care, all I cared about was Dan. I love Dan.
"Dan, what video did I want to make?" I asked still hugging him.
"You wanted to make a coming out video, and you wanted me to be in it because you wanted to let the world know about us, but I thought we'd get too much shit for it and refused to let you make it. I'm so sorry, Phil, I'm the reason you're in here, and, I'm just so sorry." He said hugging me even tighter. "I'm not letting you go, because hugs make everything better, and I think that's what you need." he continued.
I didn't know what to say I just hugged him back even tighter. I opened my arms gesturing for him to come lay with me. He entwined his feet with mine and snuggled his body up to me so his head was closer to mine, looked up to me and said "I love you, Phil, you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "You saved my life, and I love you so much more." I replied, petting his head.
I couldn't, well I could, believe what Dan told me. I didn't remember any of it, but I believe it happened. I felt sort of bad for Dan, because of what I did to him, making him feel this way, hurting his sleep, and making him be in this hospital for 3 days. 3 days too long. I got it, but yet I thought it was silly. Why would I try to commit suicide over Dan not wanting to make a video? I don't know, my brain's all messed up sometimes.
"Dan?" I said quietly, but not whispering.
"Mhm?" Dan replied sleepily.
"Do I really have to stay here for 3 days?"
"Yes." He replied trailing off into sleep.
If this was the first time Dan slept in 3 days, I wasn't caring. I petted his head and felt his chest and stomach expand as he lay against me, asleep. His precious brown eyes were dreaming and the room was quiet. I move his soft chocolate coloured hair away from his face so I could gaze upon his beautiful complexion. Everything seemed to slow down and my eyes started to get heavy again.
I grab hold of Dan and hug him gently, falling asleep. Things seemed different, I didn't know how or why, but things just did. Maybe it was because of everything that had happened? I've got no clue, but I'm not sure how I felt about it. 3 days, 3 long days to go.
It was about 3 in the afternoon when I woke up and Dan was still right next to me, asleep. I didn't have a problem with it, but my bladder did. I had to use the toilet, but I didn't want to wake Dan, he was so cute when he was asleep. I slowly and gently nudge him, moving him away from me so I could get up and find a bathroom. As I'm pushing him, my hand slips and I accidentally punch him in the chest. He moans in his sleep, but doesn't wake up. Phew. Quietly, I get up and find a bathroom. I found it a bit hard to walk, and stumbled a few times until a nurse came and helped me to the toilets. Walking out of the bathroom, I realize that I'm hungry.
Back at my hospital bedroom, I make my way, wobbling, to my bed again. Dan was still asleep, so I slip in cautiously. I find the TV remote on the bed side table and turn it on. A documentary was on about sea turtles. I watched it for a bit but then flipped through the channels until I found the Disney channel, High school Musical was on. It made me think of all the times Dan and I sang songs from it. It brought back great memories. Dan finally woke up near the end of the movie. He asked jokingly why I didn't wake him up. It was almost 5:00 PM.
3 days later…
Finally, I could go home. Dan packed my bag back up and had everything ready to go. It was 9:00 in the morning and it was a rainy day. Rainy days were cuddle days. I was excited to leave and finally go home. Dan and I checked out of the hospital and called a taxi to come pick us up.
When the taxi arrived at out flat building, Dan wouldn't let me carry my own bags. He wouldn't even let me open the taxi cab door. He did everything. He got my bags, open the door, made me hang on to him so I wouldn't slip on the rain puddles, pressed the lift buttons, everything, he wouldn't even let me unlock our front door. I found this kind of sweet, though. When we got in our flat, he even made sure I wiped my feet on the mat so I wouldn't fall over my slippy shoes. He threw my bags on the floor and took the key out of the door, still making me hold on to him. He lead me carefully over to our sofa and sat me down.
He stood in front of me.
"Is there anything you need, are you hungry or thirsty?" He asked.
"That's ok, I'm fine. But I wanna talk to you for a minute." I asked scooting over so he could sit down.
"Yeah? What is it?" He asked taking my hand.
"This whole thing, the last three days, was it all because of the disagreement on the video? It sounds so silly." I asked looking him in the eyes.
He starts to cry. "Yes, everything that happened, the last three days, was all because I didn't want to do your video. I feel terrible, Phil, I really do, I'm so sorry." He says bursting into tears.
I didn't mean to make it sound that way, he thought it was silly that he didn't want to do the video, no that's not what I meant. I meant, did I really try to kill myself over a disagreement on a video?
I take him into my arms and hug him tight, rubbing his back. I kiss his cheek and whisper into his ear "Please stop crying, Dan, this wasn't your fault.." I get cut off
"Phil, this was all my fault, I made you feel that way! I put the darkness into your heart and the idea of suicide into your brain! It was not one bit ok that I made you feel that way, not at all ok! I can't live with myself like this anymore!" He shouts at me, letting go of my embrace and pacing back and forth in front of the sofa with a hand pushing his hair away from his crying face.
At that point, I knew he was thinking of a way to punish himself for what he thinks was all his fault. Self-harm? Suicide? I don't know but it wasn't happening. I jump up and I hug him really tight. He tries to break free.
"Phil, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve someone as special and amazing as you, you deserve so much better than me." He says crying, but I don't even think about letting him go.
He wiggles and begs me to let him go, but I don't. I tighten my grip and he struggles even more. Finally fed up with struggling, and the strong thought in his head that he wasn't good enough for me, he gets an arm free and punches me in the face, giving me a fat lip.
I let go of him and I fall to the floor. He silently screams and puts both hands through his hair in disbelief of what he had just done. Very displeased with himself, he cries even harder and runs out our flat door, and into the pouring rain and wet streets of London. It took all the will power he had not to come back.
Tears start running down my face and run out of our flat, not even closing it, and into the pouring rain to look for Dan. It was pouring really hard and I could barely see the pole that I ran into and my clothes were soaking wet. I ran and looked and called for Dan but I got no responses. I began to cry, seeing no hope of finding Dan. But my heart wouldn't let me stop, I kept running, and searching and calling for Dan. I heard and saw nothing for a while. I checked all his favourite shops, down every ally, and even in the bushes, I found nothing.
It seems that I've been looking for hours. I didn't have my phone to check the time, I didn't know where it was. I found a telephone box and I step in, creating a puddle of rain and emotion on the floor. With shakey hands, I slip the coin in the slot and dial his number. No answer. I didn't have enough money to call again. Frustrated, and just about soaking in my own tears, ready to go to the police, I see something.
I look through the window of the telephone box and I see people coming out from the tube, they were all moving pretty fast with newspaper over their head or umbrellas, except one. One lonely figure, with black skinny jeans and swollen eyes. It was Dan!
"Dan!" I cry out with an unsteady voice.
He looks over at me and tries to run, but he doesn't get far. A lot of the people coming from the tube stop and watch what's going on.
I run and tackle him to the ground, I lay on top of him and hold his face and stare into those beautiful, but swollen eyes. There was nothing I wanted more than to see those again.
"Daniel James Howell, I love you so much and this wasn't your fault." I say crying and looking into his eyes.
He cries, but with a slight smile. "Kiss me." He says.
With no hesitation at all, I close my eyes and kiss him, laying in the middle of the road, in front of everyone, and in the drenching rain.
Our mouths collide and our grip becomes tighter. He slips his tongue into my mouth and it seems that all is good. He bites my swollen lip and pulls away.
"Did I do that to you?" He asks.
"Yes, but it was kind of sexy. I'm just glad I found you." I reply and kiss him even harder.
We lay there for a while, just kissing in the pouring rain. There was a combination of coos and disgust in our audience. At that time a mother and her four children exit the tube.
"All right, that's enough. Are you aware there are young children here?" She raises her voice at us.
We get up and I kiss him one last time before grabbing his hand and walking back home. We walk for a little while, stopping and kissing every now and then. When we finally get to our flat again, Dan pulls me against him, next to our door, making me pin him against the wall. I kiss him passionately and he rubs his leg against mine, pulling me closer. I can feel his erection. He rips off my shirt and throws it on the floor, outside our flat, and feels my chest as he kisses me and grinds against my body. I pick him up and wrap his legs around my waist and carry him into our flat and sit him on top of the back part of our sofa. He moans as I kiss him the way he likes it, with a lot of tongue, and he presses his finger nails into my back.
He leans back and pulls both of us onto the sofa. He makes me sit on the sofa and unfastens my belt. He rubs my bulge in my underwear and looks me in the eye, smiling. He slowly slips his hands down in my pants and grabs my erection. He takes me into his mouth, deep throating me. I feel his wet hair as he bobs his head up and down, sucking me. He comes up for breath and spit's all over my penis. He kisses me as he jerks me off.
I moan as he takes me back into his mouth. I run my hand from his messy wet hair down his back and grab his perfect ass. I slip off his jeans and pants, revealing his hard erection. I slap his ass and force his head all the way down, making him choke and drench my dick in his saliva. I take him by the hair and force his head up and down for a little while, moaning in pleasure. I push him off and he lay on his back. I kneel over his chest and tap my penis around his open mouth. He takes my penis into his mouth and jerks me until I let a hot steamy load all over his face and a bit in his hair. I gather it on the tip of my penis and force it in his mouth. He chokes and I squirt a bit more into his mouth. He swallows it and I take his face and kiss him passionately. This I enjoyed.
I slipped my underwear back on as Dan did the same. He grabbed a blanket and crawled into my lap. I wrapped the blanket around us and cuddled him, rubbing my load into his hair. I kiss him repeatedly and he lay his head on my shoulder. I turn on the TV to watch a movie and he falls asleep almost instantly in my arms.
After the movie was over, It was about 5:30 PM. I was getting hungry and Dan was still asleep. I kiss him softly on the lips to try to wake him up. I feel him smile as he pretends to be asleep. I kiss he over and over and he suddenly grabs my face and kisses me.
"Hey, are you hungry?" I ask him sweetly
"Yeah, I'm starving." He says laying his head back down.
"Are you still sleepy?" I ask, hugging him.
"Mhm." He replies pulling the blanket back up to his neck.
"Are you cold?" I ask.
"Mhm." He replies in a sleepy voice.
I lay him down on the sofa and tuck the blanket around him. I go to my room and get my blanket off my bed and I pause for a minute. I look around and think to my self "The last time I was in this room, I tried to kill myself." A wave of emotions rushed into my face. It took all I had not to burst into tears. I think about Dan and remember I was getting him another blanket. I bundle up the blanket and walk back into the lounge. I place it over Dan's shivering body and tuck him in. I kiss him on the forehead and whisper "I'm ordering pizza."
I grab the phone and dial the pizza place, I order Dan's favourite.
I scoop up Dan's legs and sit with them on top of my lap. I pet his legs and hum a song for his as we wait for the pizza.