A/N: Still don't own Twilight, still making no money from it...but I do love messing with this world! Thank you to everyone that has this story on their faves or on alert and especially to those that have reviewed...they make me grin every time!

Massive thanks goes to my super beta, Mynxi!

A/N 2016: The not so wonder of a stomach bug has been making it's rounds through my household, I was the last one to get it, or I'd have had this posted a lot quicker. I've also been working on a new story, a birthday fic for my wonderful other half, that's basically written with her in mind. I'll be posting the first chapter of that here shortly.

This chapter is basically fluffy hijinks, a little laugh that I couldn't resist at the time. I'm hoping it's still as funny as I thought it was the first time around. LOL.

B~E~L~L~A

"Is he mad at me?" I hated my voice in that moment, so weak and unsure.

I don't think I had ever felt quite as ridiculous as I had this evening. One thing was for sure, I am never drinking again. No sir. Yes, it was fun and I had a laugh. But I hate how out of control it made me feel, the slightest thing seemed to cause me to tear up. First of all I get drunk, make a fool of myself with Jasper and then stalk out in a huff, only to cry myself silly. At first I was mad at Jasper, but then I'd started to think that maybe I had overreacted, pretty sure that's when I'd started to sober up a little.

It's Jasper, after all, and I know that he'd never hurt me.

I was so embarrassed I didn't think I would ever stop blushing. Everyone would've heard everything. Jake and the guys will never let me live this down, and I haven't even met the two new vampires yet. What a thing to come here to; the drunken human dingbat. Way to make a good first impression.

Hi, this is my girlfriend, Bella. Please excuse her drunken behaviour; she can't hold her liquor.

Then Emmett appeared after I'd stalked off outside, flying over the house, landing on his back in a cloud of soil and grass. Now that's a sight to stop you worrying about your own shit. He didn't even look my way when he got up; he moved to his left and knelt down in front of something that I couldn't quite make out. Jasper followed Emmett, landing directly behind Emmett. Carlisle and Eleazar came to stand by me and I was glad that whatever the hell was going on with Jasper and Emmett was keeping the spotlight off me.

Then Jasper ripped Emmett's thumbs off.

He just ripped them off as if they were nothing. His fucking thumbs. I'd moved closer, shadowed by Carlisle and Eleazar, and listened as Jasper spoke to him, he was so cold, so detached. I'd never heard anything like that from him before. Emmett was just so shocked, even Rose didn't say anything when she led him away. When Jasper turned to me, his eyes were still pitch, no whites left. I cowered away from him.

So my study in cowardice has left me here with Esme as she tried to stop my hair from becoming a bird's nest and Carlisle standing quietly in the corner.

"No, Sweetheart, Jasper is not mad at you," Esme murmured, her voice soft and comforting. I wasn't sure I deserved it.

I didn't really believe her. She had me lay down and proceeded to tuck me into bed, I half wondered if she would sit down and tell me a bedtime story. Not that I minded, it was nice to feel parented for once.

Carlisle came approached the bed, in full doctor mode, handing me a glass of water and two pills. I was grateful, I don't think I could have handled it if he'd gone into daddy mode, lecture and all.

"Take these and drink this. It will help with any unpleasant after effects, although I hardly think you consumed enough alcohol to give you anything more than a mild hangover. And do not worry about Jasper; he is not mad at you. Furious at Emmett, yes, and most likely mad at himself for letting you witness the punishment that he delivered for Emmett's recklessness, but not mad at you."

"He didn't have to rip Emmett's thumbs off though, did he?"

"You have seen us as a family, seen Emmett and Jasper as brothers. But what you have to understand is that we are also the Volturi, and Jasper is the General of our guard and Emmett is part of that guard. Punishments for vampires tend to be of this nature because there is so little else that hurts us. Jasper could have removed his legs for what he did, the danger that he may have put you in. Taking Emmett's thumbs was a lesser punishment, and one that will no doubt make the largest impression as he will be without his video games until Jasper sees fit to return them."

"Did it hurt him?"

"Initially, yes, but the pain of such a small injury is short lived. It will hurt for him to reattach them, but again the pain will be minor," Carlisle assured me.

Carlisle paused for a moment, my heart clenched as I took in the heartbroken look in his eyes, "We all heard the argument between you and Jasper. I wanted to apologise for the lengths that I chose to go to in order to further your training. I know that Jasper explained the reasons, and that you understood them. As one of the Elder's of the Volturi, it was the right decision, but as a father it was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to see through. We have known of your joining us for years, all that time you have been a daughter to Esme and I. It pains me that you felt as though no one cared for you as a person. Bella, you are a wonderful addition to our family, and in terms of the guard, you will never simply be a soldier." He was so earnest that tears sprung to my eyes, he took my hand in his, "You are my daughter in all ways but blood, and will be seen as such." He kissed my forehead, "We shall leave you to your sleep, dear one, Jasper will be back soon, would you like me to send him to you when he returns?"

"Yes, please, as long as that is what he wants?"

"Trust me, child, he did not want to leave you in the first place." He got up to leave; Esme left me a parting kiss on my cheek before joining him.

"Father?" I called out.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I love you too."

His smile was blinding, and Esme's matched it. He nodded and left, Esme came back for another kiss and a tight hug, "We are so very proud of you, Bella." Then she too left and I settled down to sleep.

J~A~S~P~E~R

I didn't go far; the need to get back to Bella was greater than my need to feed. A couple of bucks from the local herd, a few trees were now splinters, and I was on my way back. Hopefully she would be asleep now; there was no sense in talking to her tonight. With all the shit that had gone on, she needed to sleep it off. I arrived back at the house; the wolves were all asleep, leaving a house full of vampires. I went straight up to check on Bella. She was tucked into her bed like a small child; she looked like an angel and was snoring softly as she slept. I kissed her lightly on her forehead, smiling when she mumbled my name in her sleep.

Peter met me when I got back downstairs. "Come on Brother, it's time for that talk."

I nodded and followed him outside. The night air was cool; it was coming up to mid-September, the day before Bella's birthday. I tried not to think about what would have happened had I not overheard Edward and Alice's conversation.

"She blocked you." Peter wasn't asking me, just pointing it out, but I nodded anyway.

"Yeah, completely. It was...disconcerting. My read on her faded away, it was only through talking her down from her panic that she opened back up. Before that I had no effect on her whatsoever."

"Her shield has evolved again." He pointed out and I nodded in agreement, "She's lacking in any natural wariness of our kind…but has the subconscious of a strategic genius."

"It's a hell of a survival technique, she does so much without even realising it." I pondered, still in awe of my mate.

"She's a wonder, all right."

"My Bella, weak in her human state, but harbouring an innate power to fight off our kind. Literally. If she's blocking me…"

"Then she's developing a physical facet to her defence." Peter finished off my sentence, "Time to step up her training, General McSparklePants. She's got the mental defence down, time to help her find the physical trigger."

"If she can learn to control that response then her change will be sooner rather than later." Which would be very, very welcome. Shield or not, I'd feel infinitely better if she were near indestructible to go along with it. Thinking ahead, I added, "We'll need to get back to Volterra for her change; it'll be the safest place for her and us."

"If the Romanians get wind that her change is imminent they'll make a try for her." Peter warned, his expression darkening, "They need our little bird human in order to manipulate her properly."

"They're going to be desperate."

"They'd need her strong and on their side in record time. There ain't gonna be time for the tried and tested ways of brainwashing…we have all of those that she loves safely tucked away. They'll have to be more straight forward."

Now that's food for thought, I wish we knew exactly what their plans are. But, no, that'd be too fucking easy.

"Fuck," Cursing as I rub my hand over my face, "I'll feel a lot more relaxed once we have her secured and changed. They'll have spies on the lookout, they'll know as soon as we hit Italian soil. They might not know where we are now, but they'll sure as shit know when we take her home."

"I agree, the journey between landing in Italy and reaching Volterra will be where the shit is most likely to hit the fan."

"Then we have a full contingent of the guard to meet us, we'll already have all of us." I turned back to the house, "Carlisle, can you join us?"

Carlisle joined us quickly and we filled him in on what we had talked about, he was especially interested in Bella's ability to block me. This is what we had been hoping for, that by helping Bella reach as much of her full potential as possible while still human and malleable, she would be that much stronger and versatile at the beginning, than had we simply changed her.

"I would recommend that you don't push Bella to train tomorrow. I can't imagine that she will suffer bad side effects of her drinking, but she won't be up to par when she wakes up." I smiled, Carlisle was taking full advantage of having a human charge. Someone that he could truly look after and father.

"Yes, of course. There is also the matter of the wolves, as well as a couple of others things that I need to talk to her about." I knew it was time to explain about my past and my role within the Volturi.

Not a conversation that I was looking forward to. At all. Even with the knowledge of Alice's lies, I found it difficult to forget all of the times she had insisted that my past would scare and disgust Bella. But I'm shit out of time in the waiting department.

Carlisle smiled, "Yes, I do believe that she will have quite a shock when she learns about Jacob's pack. I wish there was some way to shoulder some of this for her, I hate that we keep having to pile on more and more shocking information."

There was nothing I could say to that, we all felt the same. Bella's strength only made me love her more. It takes an extraordinary person to be able to deal with all the shit that she's gone through lately and not break. Bella had almost shut down completely earlier on; it was something that I wanted to avoid happening again. At all costs.

Dawn was breaking over the horizon and Bella was still sleeping peacefully. She was officially 18 years old today. It is something that should be celebrated, but I knew her hatred of anything birthday related. I was pretty much at a loss of what to do. Carlisle had gone back into the house to confer with Eleazar and his fellow Elders as to the best way to ensure Bella's safety. Peter was still with me, staring at me with a damn annoying and knowing smirk plastered across his features.

"Just spit it out, Peter, if I didn't know better I'd worry you might piss yourself otherwise."

He laughed, "Bella's got you tied up in knots, ain't she?"

Well that was the understatement of the century, "Yeah, you could say that. What she did earlier, man I was about to fucking lose it. I felt like an ass though when she stalked out and started crying."

"I think Emmett noticed more than any of us how pissed you were about the whole situation." He smirked, "You know you'll have to give him his thumbs back when he leaves, don't you?"

"Yeah, but fuck me if I'm not tempted to take the damn things back when they return."

"He's learned his lesson; your words stung more than losing two of his digits." Ah, he was all serious now.

"Yeah, alright, I may have cut him with all that I said. But there's no denying the truth in my words, man. He needs to learn, he's the one that wants to advance through the Guard. He can't pull shit like that, how the hell did he expect me to react? He was lucky it was his thumbs that I took and not his legs."

"So...what have you got planned for Bella's birthday?"

Ah, the question of the hour, what the hell to do for a woman that doesn't like birthdays or being the centre of attention or being the recipient of presents. Especially expensive presents. There were a couple of things that I was thinking of.

"Fuck knows, what do you get for a woman that hates presents? I can't keep it low key, they're way too many people here to do that. But I want to get her something, I've just got no freaking idea what."

He laughed, the helpful fucker that he is, "Just go with your gut, we'll all be travelling out tomorrow. The girls are planning on taking Bella to some mall shopping centre thing to pick her present. You'll find something there. In fact, we all will. So quit worrying and concentrate on stopping her thinking that you're mad at her."

"Fuck. Right, you're right. Ok, let's get in and worry about this when Bella wakes up."

"Sure thing, Bro, sure thing."

B~E~L~L~A

I woke up still in the exact same position I was when I went to sleep. I didn't feel too bad, until I tried to move and then my only thought was along the lines of; urgh. It wasn't too bad, if I were honest. My head hurt and my stomach felt like it might rebel, but mostly I just felt stodgy. There was no memory lapse from the night before and I wasn't sure that that was the best thing. It all played in my mind and I remembered everything. I also knew that it was my birthday. Not good.

So I made a plan. A simple plan. My plan basically consisted of a shower, something to drink, and some breakfast. I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. The shower was everything that I needed it to be and I felt so much better afterwards, but I was still in need of hydration and sustenance. I procrastinated in my room for as long as I could, but eventually my curiosity about Jake got the better of me and I made my way downstairs.

It was unusual for the house to be quiet, but there had never been quite this much noise. I wandered into the kitchen and was met with a similar scene as last night. Six, heavily muscled, half naked, and fucking huge Native Americans were dotted around the kitchen. They were also the source of the unusually boisterous noise level. Jake saw me first and came straight over, all smiles and rippling muscles. Honestly, a girl's got to retain some brain power, but how the hell does one do that when surrounded by such hotness? Oh yes, one would remember the unbelievable gorgeous and sexy vampire boyfriend.

I like my happy place.

"Bells! How're you feeling? Hangover?" Jake asked before picking me up and crushing me.

"Yeah, oxygen would be nice, Jake," I breathed out.

"Sorry, Bells. It's easy to forget. So...you gonna fill us in about last night? Any juicy gossip?"

"Juicy gossip? Have you turned into a teenage girl in my absence?" I joked, "Actually, I do have some gossip. You see, my childhood friend turned up last night, with five of his friends. All built like brick shit houses and insisting on walking about half naked. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?"

"You know, I just might. But tell me, Swan, do you know anything about the girl that's got herself entwined in the world of vampires?"

"Uh-huh, you first. What the hell are you doing here, and why the hell are you so damn big, and hot? I'm guessing you're not sick, but you feel like you're running a fever that'd bust a thermometer." He seemed to be having trouble gathering his thoughts. I wished he would just come out and say it; I mean what the hell can be more shocking than vampires? Especially when he was the one to clue me in on the secret...oh...oh! I was suddenly having one of those 'no...seriously?' moments. "You're a werewolf. Holy fucking shit on a stick, you are a werewolf!"

All sound ceased. Well at least I was perfecting the art of silencing a room. Jake looked a little stunned, but rather relieved...and a little worried about my reaction. All in all it made him look almost constipated. I guess the fact that I was staring at him like he'd just grown a second head wasn't helping much. But the fact was that all I could think of was the collection of werewolf teeth that was displayed in the living room, and the fact that we all carried at least one around with us at all times.

"Well, not werewolves exactly."

"What do you mean, not exactly?"

"Well, we turn into wolves, as in big wolves, whenever we want. We don't turn into rabid beasts every full moon. We're shape-shifters."

"Oh," Was my brilliant reply. "So we're not carrying around one of your relative's teeth then?"

He laughed, "No, not unless you have his dentures in your pocket."

I cringed, "Nope, definitely not! So, are you going to explain to me why you're here?"

"We're here as part of your protection detail, Swan. Eddie has trouble reading our minds and Alice can't see our future, and we turn into giant, vampire chomping wolves. Kinda perfect really. Besides, your Dad made me promise to keep you safe whilst he's off getting his vamp on."

"Yo, Jake, you gonna introduce us or what?"

We turned back to the room, the five other wolves grinning back at us. "Sure, sure. If I have to. Bella, these sad fuckers are half of the Quillette wolf pack. Seth, Embry, Quil, Paul, and Brady. The others stayed behind to keep an eye on the Res."

I said my hi's and hello's as he pointed them out in turn, deciding that I really can't complain about being protecting by a bunch of hunks and my incredible boyfriend. Speak of the Devil, Jasper came wandering in. I didn't mean to tense up; I just didn't know how to act around him this morning. Good morning honey, sorry about my drunken behaviour last night, ripped anybody's fingers off lately? Yeah, I think not. He seemed to be equally as careful of me, not that I blamed him after my amazing display of alcohol fuelled mania.

Oh, fuck this. He's my man, this is stupid. Besides, it's my birthday and I get a 'get out of the drunk tank free' card. I may hate birthdays but I still take the right to invoke Birthday Law. Basically, what I say goes. At least, that's the theory. I wrapped myself around him, burying my face in his chest and squeezing as hard as I could. God, his scent, I could never tire of this. Never. Which is probably a good thing, what with the whole living for eternity thing.

"Happy Birthday, Darlin'."

Now, I hate my birthday, always have. I have always cringed at the sound of happy birthday wishes being directed my way. However, when my man says it in that sexy as anything Texas accent, all low and thick and smooth, it is without a doubt one of the best things that I have ever heard. Hello, Bella, and welcome to hypocrisy.

"Mmm, thank you, Baby."

He stiffened and pulled me away from him, staring into my face. It was comical really, he looked genuinely shocked. "So, you're OK with celebrating your birthday? No moaning, groaning, or begging not to do anything?"

I laughed and shrugged, "Well, we are going to have a chat later about what happened last night, but what can I say; you have an agreeable effect on me."

"Do I now?" He kissed me, lifting me up and off my feet so that he didn't have to bend down. "The plan for today is to take you shopping for your presents, no grouching, and tonight...well, tonight you're all mine."

Mmm...Happy Birthday to me!

An hour or so later I came wandering back downstairs, now decked out for comfort. Everyone was in the living room, which looked a hell of a lot smaller than it had a few days ago. The pack was sprawled out over the sofas and chairs, the vamps pretty much just stood about. But then, when you can hold any position for an infinite amount of time, finding somewhere to sit isn't a priority. Rose and Emmett were by the front door, a carryon bag each, talking with Carlisle and Jasper.

They would be leaving for Denali momentarily; I had questioned Jasper about Rose's tracking gifts. He's said that it was difficult to class it as a gift or a power, like my shield or his empathy, as it was akin to James in that she had heightened senses. Demetri, however, can track anyone that he has ever met and he can track them wherever they are. Until now, of course, what with the twat twins nefarious use of my blood he is still unable to get a read on them or any of their known affiliates. Apparently Irina has disappeared off of his radar also. I can't say that I am impressed by my blood right now.

What I was getting at earlier is that Rose and Demetri can combine their efforts to give a kind of power up. When he said it, I got a vision of Mario jumping about collecting roses so he could sniff shit out. The Volturi had only utilised this when they needed to find a vampire or person that Demetri had never met, but that Rose had sampled their scent. That, of course, has left me with a picture of Rose as a bloodhound.

Now, that's a thought to keep a girl smiling.

However, it worked, it meant that Demetri could get a feel for the target, even if he'd never met them to get a feel for their mind. Apparently, a pair of vampires being able to combine or bolster another's gift is not that unheard of. Jane's power, for example, only works on one target at a time, but if she works with her twin brother they are able to shift the focus to a larger group. In this case, they were hoping that by working together, Rose and Demetri would be able to track the gruesome twosome. As far as I know, my blood can't wipe away someone's scent. It sounded like a viable plan to me.

I had been worried about Emmett being sent away without his thumbs, but Jasper assured me that they would be returned to him for the mission, even if he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't take them back once it was completed. As subdued as Emmett had been since last night, he was excited to be getting out in the field. I have a feeling that he is going to try and prove Jasper's words wrong.

We all left together, climbing into the various cars and setting off for my birthday shopping trip. I had been told, in no uncertain terms, that they all knew of my dislike for gifts, being the centre of attention, and my birthday in general; but that I am a part of the family and will be treated as such. I think Peter's exact words were 'you're gonna be spoiled, get used to it.' When you're being told something by a room full of vampires, all with faces showing no room for argument, you kind of just shrug and agree. I'll grumble in private later.

We had been in the car all of two minutes before Jake piped up from the seat behind mine, "So, Bells...what did you get up to last night? You know, aside from wondering about vampires nipples."

I groaned, how the hell did he know about that? Emmett and his big gob! "How'd you find out about that?"

"We were all in the room with Jasper during his phone call; we all heard everything you said," he chuckled. Bastard was enjoying this way too damn much.

"Yeah, well, it seemed like a good question at the time." To be honest, it was something that I had thought about a while ago.

How could I not want it answered? But that had brought up countless other questions to mind. Like, if vampires nipples are so hard, then how the hell do they not just break out all the time? Or are they softer than the rest of the body, like a human? Or the other question that was bouncing around my head was, are they hard all the time? As in the men and their manly...bits, obviously, they get erections, but surely it wouldn't feel soft to me in its inert state? Should I be even thinking about these things?

Bella Swan, vampire sex enthusiast. Yes, please.

"Of all the questions to ask though, Bella. So, how the hell did you end up drunk anyway? You've never struck me as the type to get wasted."

I sunk a little further in my seat as I remembered last nights antics. Apparently, a little alcohol leads to more alcohol.

"After Emmett had so unceremoniously kidnapped me, wound me up by making me think he was taking me to Edward and Alice, and laughed his non-beating heart out at my reaction, he took me to this pub called The Royal Oak. I didn't want to go in, but he pulled out the puppy dog eyes and dimples routine and I agreed to one drink."

"Hang on a goddamn minute; he had you thinking he was kidnapping you for real? What the fuck did he do?" Jasper growled out from beside me, taking his eyes off the road, his very dark, very angry eyes. I think he may have been rethinking his decision to give Emmett his thumbs back.

"I was rambling on about how you were going to go mad and eventually got to thinking about Irina. So, I asked, and he glared at me. Like full on, scary ass vampire glare. He let it go on for a few minutes before finally caving and letting me in on the joke. Anyway, I'm over it, so calm down." He just grumbled something under his breath and looked back to the road, I shook my head and continued with my story. "So, anyway, we get in there and we get talking to the barmaid. Emmett let's it slip that I've never drank before, and for whatever reason this excites Becky, the barmaid and she starts rattling off various drinks that she thinks I should try. So, I settle for Jack Daniels and coke, mostly because it smelled nice. By this time the landlord, Stuart, had joined us. He and Emmett got into some in depth discussion about some computer program or another."

I have no idea about the specifics; I tend to tune out as soon as acronyms start being thrown about. Makes me go crossed eyed otherwise.

"So there I was, chatting away with Becky, who just refilled my glass without being asked. I didn't think much of it, it was a nice drink and I didn't feel any different so what was the harm, right? So, she's bending over the bar, and I swear that her breasts are about to pop out of her top," I had found it very difficult to look anywhere other than at her mammoth melons that seemed intent on spilling out of her shirt. Like, seriously, they were defying gravity. "She's yammering on about her boyfriend of the moment and I was steadily sipping my drink, which she refills again when I've finished. Of course, Emmett has simply put his card behind the bar. Again, I think nothing of it and continue to chat and drink. It was a quiet night, only one other bloke in there besides Emmett and I, so Stuart opened up the pool table and he and Emmett played a few games."

They'd offered me a game, but I didn't think me with a big stick and hard balls was the way to an accident free evening. Insert obvious innuendo here.

"Fuck knows what drink I was on by then, I'd stopped caring to be honest. That should have been my first clue." I paused when Jasper grumbled something again and then decided to ignore him, "Becky started telling me about this shot called Sambuca, and I was up for trying anything at that point. But Emmett said no, he actually used the words that he was cutting me off. I wasn't even that bad then." I laughed to myself, remembering what was coming next, "So I waited a few minutes before reminding Em that he should make at least one trip to the bathroom. You know, keeping up the human pretences and all that. Being the good little vampire-pretending-to-be-human that he is, he went straight to the restroom. I took the chance and signalled to Becky to get me that shot. Which she did. And it was yummy! It was soon after that that the giggling began. I was halfway through this cocktail she'd given me called a 'cheeky vimto' when Emmett came up behind me and dragged me out of there."

I chose not to divulge the part about Stuart 'teaching' me how to play pool, or the fact that Emmett just snickered at my alarmed expression during the 'lesson'. Nope, didn't think that would go down too well.

"The last time I got hammered, I tried to swim across the road." Jake suddenly blurted out.

I spun around in my seat to look at him properly, "How the hell do you swim across a road?"

"I didn't say that I got very far," he laughed.

"Didn't get very far? You were sprawled near the curb, balancing on your stomach with your arms and legs attempting the breaststroke. You didn't get anywhere!" Paul shouted out in laughter from beside Jake.

"Yeah, you're one to talk. I know you don't remember the time that you let Emily and Kim dress you in your mom's clothes and make-up, but we do. We also have the photos to prove it."

Paul shut up after that. Unsurprisingly.

"What about you, Jasper? You got any drunken tales from before you went all cold, stone like, and venomous?" Jake asked.

Jasper didn't say anything at first, and I wondered if he could actually remember anything from his human days. His smirk, however, told me that he could think of something. I upped my curiosity, or at least tried to, I'm not sure what the outcome was because he just gave me a really funny look before speaking.

"Actually, no, I don't remember any or even if there were any human drunken escapades."

"That there is an interesting way of wording your reply, are you insinuating that vampires can get drunk?"

"You didn't know? Of course, you didn't know. I doubt Edward has touched a dram of whisky, or any other alcohol, in his existence. Yes, we can drink, it takes a lot and a high proof is best, but we can get drunk. I wouldn't recommend anything even remotely fizzy, straight spirits are the most effective and comfortable. Once you're changed, there will be a celebration in Volterra to introduce you, you'll witness it first hand then."

I frowned, "Why can't you show me now?"

"It's probably not the best idea for you to be around those who's inhibitions have been lowered, Darlin'," he said with a smirk. Then I remembered what else he had said, and not with just a little bit of trepidation.

"And why does there need to be a celebration?" I may have whined, I definitely felt like sulking.

"You will be introduced to the rest of the Guard as Carlisle's newest daughter and my mate; as much as you hate it...you're a big deal, a very big deal."

"Hang on, I'll be introduced as Carlisle's daughter...which I have no problem thinking myself as or being treated as...but what about my actual dad? What about Charlie?"

"Look, we're here now, let's concentrate on seeing how many times we can get you to blush and scowl." Right on cue, that was exactly what I did, "There you go, I'm already ahead one. C'mon, Darlin', I wanna spoil you."

I gulped, he was doing that voice thing again, and being the weakling that I was I melted and simply nodded my head. But I had not forgotten his obvious evasion to my question about Charlie. I looked out the window; we were driving into a covered cark park structure. I nearly pissed myself laughing when someone driving the wrong way round tried to pull into a spot that Jasper was coveting, the glare that Jasper gave them was all it took for the driver to start scrambling to reverse and drive away.

Once Jasper had parked he turned to the two wolf-boys in the back, "You two need to be with Bella at all times," they both smirked and winked at me, I rolled my eyes, "within reason of course." Jasper growled out quickly, Jake and Paul's grins faded a little and I stuck my tongue out at them but resisted the urge to start a round of 'ne ner ne ner ne ner!' "We're not expecting anyone, so if you spy any unknown vamps then you contact me or Peter. Got it?"

I ended up lost in thoughts of dressing Jasper up in military garb; ooh maybe I could play his subordinate...his naughty subordinate. No, I think I like the idea of being the one of higher rank...hmm General Bella invites Captain Whitlock to her...

"Bella!" I jumped so high I banged my head on the roof of the car, which for a Range Rover is pretty damn high!

"What? Did you have to scare the shit out of me?" I exclaimed as I rubbed the top of my head and glared at my two bodyguards who were currently sniggering at me. "What the hell are you two laughing about, huh? I think one of the things I'll buy today is a set of matching black suits and black sunglasses and make you at least look like a pair of bodyguards instead of a couple of giggling teenage girls."

They just laughed harder. Well, we'll see fucker one and fucker two...suits here we come. And maybe some itching powder to line them with.

"You ok there, Darlin'? Sorry for yelling but you zoned out there, I'd been trying to get your attention for a couple of minutes."

I laughed, all nervous and embarrassed knowing that he would at least know that my thoughts weren't exactly pure, "Oh yeah, that, sorry I was just away with the fairies. Let's go shopping! Yay!" Hey, at least I tried to sound enthusiastic.

An hour later I had both of them trussed up in bodyguard chic, they weren't happy bunnies. I was. It did, however, backfire quite quickly. It seems that whispers had started that I was some celebrity and I was starting to get uncomfortable in the face of all the attention.

Carmen came over to me when she spied me hiding behind my hair and anything else I could find, "Bella, sweetie, may I give you some advice?"

I nodded, "Sure."

"You are a beautiful woman, whatever else you might think. I do not say this to try and make you feel better; it is simply a fact that you have a wonderful natural beauty and shine. It is your birthday, a day that should be celebrated and taken advantage of. Hold your head up high and walk like you own this place, not like you wish to dissolve into the walls. No one here knows you but us, nor will you ever see them again. Take advantage of that, my dear."

With that she gave me a tight hug and kissed my hair, before returning to Eleazar's side. I thought about Carmen's kind words, and damn it if she wasn't right. I shed my jacket, leaving myself in a pair of skinny low rise jeans that were such a dark red they were almost black and a tight black shirt that set off my boobs nicely. I'd picked the outfit with Jasper in mind and then thrown my jacket over the top to hide till we were back at home. Now, in the light of Carmen's advice, I was prepared to show it off.

Carmen's smile was blinding and her husband hugged her to his side tightly, whispering something to her that made her smile wider. I had only spent a very short amount of time with Carmen and Tanya this morning, but it amazed me how warm they both were. Jasper took my coat and handed it off to someone else, I didn't care who or where it ended up because all I could see was the heat in his quickly darkening eyes.

Then his hands were on me, one at the small of my back that caused my back to bend backwards slightly and the other cupping the back of my neck. He leaned down and captured my lips, all Hollywood and fairy tale as he tipped me. In front of everyone, the whole damn mall. Did I care? Not in the slightest.

He pulled away and stood me upright, still keeping his hands on me and taking my breath away with his smile. I had never felt so fluffy in my entire life.

"You are so beautiful, Bella, but to see this confidence in your stance is nothing less than awe inspiring. Plus, your ass looks so damn sexy in these jeans; I just wanna rip them off you right now so I can feel your skin beneath my hands."

Holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shiiiiiit. I mean, way to ruin an incredibly romantic moment but, holy fucking shit.

"Er...guys? You're attracting an audience," Jake informed us.

The world kind of spun back into focus and I looked around, my cheeks flaming and a stupid smile on my face. People had stopped to stare or were walking so slowly that they may as well have just stopped too. And I couldn't give a flying monkey's left testicle, as Emmett had delighted in saying last night when I'd been asking for another drink. My smile widened and I stepped back from Jasper and gave a small wave, before taking his hand and motioning for my two pet bodyguards to follow me as I walked off. Everyone fell into step behind us as if we had an immaculately beautiful entourage following us. I had my head held high and my back straight, it was fucking awesome.

Jasper directed us to our next stop, Selfridges. It took up a huge amount of space within the Trafford Centre, spanning over two floors and incorporating everything from clothes to food. It was all high end designer and beautiful, and no doubt stupendously expensive, but for the first time in my life I didn't care. I just didn't fucking care.

Fuck cloud 9, I was on cloud Jasper.

I bypassed the food and Jasper dragged me past the kitchen paraphernalia, and I was suddenly surrounded by clothing. To be honest, I didn't recognise most of the names around me apart from the obvious like Chanel and Dior, but it's not like I'm some kind of label whore so it hardly mattered. Almost immediately Jasper and I were approached by a smartly dressed woman, looking as though she may have run over to us, going off her slightly laboured breathing.

"Good morning, I would like to welcome you to Selfridges, Miss Stewart; my name is Vanessa Harris and will be at your service for whatever you might require during your visit." She held her hand out to me and smiled a perfectly professional smile. I was stumped, who the hell did she think I was?

Luckily for me, Jasper jumped in and saved me, "She will be going by Bella today, we are attempting to go incognito, you understand."

Incognito, shit, he's playing along and I'm still playing deer in the headlights. Jasper sent me a burst of confidence and reassurance, just enough to remind me of what I had been feeling earlier and to make me follow his lead.

"Oh, of course," her eyes flitted to my bodyguards and onto the rest of the party, obviously wondering how all of this was possibly incognito, but she chose to ignore that part and turned back to me, "Bella, is there anything in particular that you are looking for today?"

And then it began. Charley jumped in talking about outfits and accessories and all other kinds of stuff. It was almost a foreign language to me. Tanya jumped on the bandwagon and started ordering people about, and I found myself in a comfy chair with someone doing my makeup and even massaging my feet. The only thing that stopped me from returning to my inner miser was the shock; I almost panicked when Jasper announced that he would be gone for a short amount of time. Apparently, he wanted my gift to be a surprise. Esme took over holding my hand and keeping me calm whilst the men left, leaving Jake and Paul standing towards the back and trying not to look uncomfortable.

When shopping with Alice she would throw me into a changing room and pummel me with various different outfits, all the while telling me how I should dress better and even the odd jibe about me almost having a flat stomach. Bitch. This time I was lead to a spacious room, three of the walls which were mirrored from floor to ceiling. There was a plush couch and a long clothing rail off to the side, now covered with clothes. The overeager sales assistants that had gathered around us earlier were all waiting outside and I was able to breathe properly for the first time in over an hour.

Esme, Carmen, Tanya, Kate, Charley, and I all stood there, quietly staring at each other. It was me that broke, bursting out laughing so hard that I bent over and slapped my knees before collapsing onto the couch. The others soon followed suit, of course being the vampires that they are none of them collapsed anywhere, but the level of mirth was the same.

"What the hell was all of that?" I asked when I had finally caught my breath.

"That, my dear, is what happens when people think you are important. Now. you have many things to try on, let us get on with it before they insist on barging in here," Esme told me, gently but firmly and who am I to say no to my mother? It also helped that I was rather enjoying getting spoiled like this. The attention wasn't too bad, my 'entourage' shielded me from most of it, leaving me to sit through foot massages and a mani pedi. It's a hard life.

The clothes were amazing and even I could admit that they looked good on me, especially a black strappy dress by D&G. It cinched me in at the waist and made my curves stand out, for the first time in my life I didn't care how much something cost. I wanted this.

I couldn't stop admiring myself in the mirrors, turning left and right and grinning like a fool.

"That one is a must have, Bella, no arguments," Charley called out from behind me.

"Oh you'll get no arguments out of me, I love this."

There was a knock on the door, followed by Vanessa requesting entrance, which we granted. She walked in, smile in place and gasped when she saw me.

"My, you look beautiful. Do you have shoes to match? I can have some sent in that would go perfectly with that."

I balked, shoes? Shoes to go with dresses means heels. Me in heels means emergency room visits.

"That would be wonderful, but a low heel is required, Bella has difficulty walking in anything above three inches." Kate piped up. I glared at her, three inches? I fall over in flat shoes, what the hell does she think will happen with three inches?

"Of course, I am also here to inform you that these and any further choices during your visit will be covered by Selfridges. Is there anything that you require? Something to eat or drink perhaps?"

"Yes, if you could have a selection of food brought in and some orange juice; freshly squeezed and smooth is preferable. Also, some champagne would go down very well, I think." I gaped at Esme as she stood there giving out orders.

Vanessa nodded and left, but not before assuring us that the shoe selection would be with us momentarily.

"Free? Did she say that they are going to give me all of this and whatever else I want for free?" It was one thing accepting things as gifts. It was quite another to get it all for free. Free? Who the hell do they think I am? Pfft, fuck it. Bring it on.

By the time we made it out of the changing rooms, all of our bags being delivered to our cars, I was a tad tipsy. I accept no blame; it was all the champagnes fault. I wasn't drunk by any means, I was merry. It was nice. Also, apparently, I was a lot more amenable to receiving gifts and adding to our tally of freebies in this state. I had five purses, who the fuck needs five purses? Apparently I do. Who knew?

I was getting bored though, bored and tired and I needed to find a pharmacy to grab some monthly essentials that I would need soon. I had asked Vanessa if there was a chemist or something similar here, and she gave me directions to somewhere called 'Boots', which was where we were headed to now.

I wandered into 'Boots' intent on the task at hand, all I needed was some sanitary products and we could be on our way. Hence the reason for me leaving everyone else waiting outside. Now I may have been a little buzzed from the champagne, nothing to write home about, but I was pleasantly mellowed out. However, I still spied three teens following me around. I tried to ignore them, and they were obviously trying to follow me without my knowledge. That was a huge fail, what with their incessant giggling and grabbing onto one another when they got overexcited. I just tried to block them and their whispers out; they were currently goading each other into coming to speak with me.

It would be a lot easier if I knew who it was that they thought I was.

I finally spied what I needed when one of the three girls was suddenly pushed forward by the other two. Oh, God, I made eye contact and involuntarily smiled. Shit, she's coming over! I was like a rabbit caught in headlights; I had no one to field questions for me. I briefly wondered if I should just make a run for it, I even glanced around and then stopped dead when I looked out of the windows at the front of the store. The guys had arrived back and they were laughing at me; or at my predicament at least. Bastards! Well, I'll show them.

I quickly picked up what I needed and waited for the nervous girl to get to me. She didn't say anything at first, just breathing heavily and smiling like she would be more at home at the funny farm. Her eyes were so wide that I actually started to get worried about her, and then she started talking.

"Oh my god, on my god, you're Kristen Stewart! I LOVE YOU! I wasn't going to come over but then you smiled at me so I thought it would be ok and is there any chance of getting an autograph and maybe even a picture because no one is going to believe that I met you otherwise I will be the envy of Facebook and Twitter and this is just so amazing you're just so amazing I love your movies you're such a good actress and your autograph would be like the best thing ever to happen to me ever!"

I stopped her there because she hadn't taken a breath and was starting to turn purple, "Whoa there! Do you have something that I could sign?"

She started scrabbling about in her bag, first handing me a pen before diving back into her bag with a desperation I had never seen before. The next thing she handed to me was a camera, probably not the best idea to have any pictures taken. Nope, my face being plastered across the celebrity pages or on the news probably wouldn't help with the whole lying low and not being found by the bad guys thing. I was starting to get a little desperate, her friends looked like they were getting the courage to come over and I only had so much patience for squealing girls that spoke at the speed of light.

"A-HA! Yes, here, sign this please."

I took what she pushed towards me, handing her back the camera as I did, to head off any possible juggling act that might occur. A quick glance at my family and I saw that Peter and my pet bodyguards were still sniggering. Jasper was just smiling at me, so no complaints there and Charley seemed to be smacking Peter round the back of his head every so often. Good times. I went to sign, or should I say; commit fraud, when I saw what she had handed me to sign.

It was a box. A box of anal beads. Anal beads. I glanced up at her smiling face and hoped like hell that I had underestimated her age, because she looked no older than fifteen. She also didn't look even remotely embarrassed, where as my eyebrows where in my hair and I was pretty sure that my face was on fire.

She giggled and winked at me, "It'll give me something to think about when I use them."

I need another drink.

I swallowed, nodded, autographed her anal beads box, and handed it back to her with a smile. When she got her camera back out I was close to panicking. Need to get away from the anal beads, need to get away from the anal beads.

"No pictures, miss." Came a deep voice from behind me as Jake stepped forward and grabbed her camera, my tampons, and went to complete the purchase as Paul escorted me out.

I didn't argue. Nope, no arguments from me on this one.

As soon as I made it outside, I asked Charley to smack Peter again and pretty much ran into Jasper's cold embrace. I pressed my face into his chest and genuinely wondered if steam was coming off my cheeks at the contrast in temperatures.

He wrapped me his arms around me and laughed out, "Did you have fun, Sweetheart?" He kissed me lightly, "Champagne?"

I shrugged, "Just a couple and after what just happened in there I'm glad I have alcohol in my system." And because I could and I wanted to, I kissed him again. Heaven.

"So, Bella, you have to let us in on the secret because Peter refused to tell us what had him laughing so damn hard," Kate asked.

I broke all previous blushing records and hid in Jasper's chest, deciding that playing ostrich was as good a plan as any right at that moment.

"You're not gonna tell them, Bella? Why ever not?" I turned my head, slowly, in Jake's direction and snatched the Boots bag out of his hand when he offered it to me. They'd seen, of course they'd seen it. I think I hate him right now.

"Jake, put us out of our misery here, it can't be that bad," Kate prompted.

I begged with everything that I had in my eyes for him not to say anything, and all he did was smirk.

"She signed a box of anal beads."

Yep, hate him with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

I think I groaned, I know I was swearing at him and begging Jasper to get me out of there at the same time. The whole group was roaring with laughter, I was also longing for a baseball bat so that when I hit him, it'll actually hurt him a little and not injure me in the process. Jasper, being the gallant southern gentleman that he is, swung me up and into his arms and briskly walked me out of the mall and towards the car. I, being the over embarrassed coward that I now was, hid my face in the crook of his neck and concentrated on sniffing him. Always an enjoyable pastime.

"What the fuck? Bella, did you buy out the whole store?" I heard Jasper ask.

I looked up to see what all the ruckus was about and burst out laughing, the trunk was completely filled with bags, and so was most of the backseat and it was the same for the other two vehicles Jake and Paul are gonna be squished as hell on the way back.

"Oh yeah, my new found celebrity status left them clamouring to give me all this stuff for free. Just call me the queen of freebies, baby!"

"Honestly, woman, only you could get yourself in a mess like this." I was expecting Esme to chastise him for his use of 'woman' but she wasn't here and I kinda liked it.

"So, you still have me all to yourself tonight...that is if you still want me?" I asked coyly. "I need something to help me forget the last ten minutes of my life." .

His smile made my knees weak, "Oh, I think I can handle that."

E/N: so there you go, let me know what you think! Also, anyone got any funny drunk stories? They're always good entertainment!

E/N 2016: I still want the drunk stories, lol. Thanks for reading and leave me some love!