This chapter was inspired by Sorry by Buckcherry. It is the companion piece to chapter two here (Too Little Too Late) from the other point of view.
Sorry
Gilbert brushed his fingers over the silent tears running down his cheeks. Matthew was asleep now but the tears kept slipping onto the pillow and he could not make them stop.
He was ashamed.
Matthew was beautiful. He deserved so much more than what Gilbert could give him but Gilbert could not let him go. Could not, would not; never, ever. He was not strong enough to go on without him. He was not kind enough to let him go.
His hands might wander but his heart belonged to Matthew.
He was in love with him.
He wanted to think it was never too late to make it up to him but if he kept pushing him… Matthew might leave. After all this time, after second chances and third chances and fourth chances, he might leave. He would not wait forever. He would leave.
And Gilbert would never recover.
His chest was peppered with the bruises from his previous encounter and the love bites that Matthew tried to cover them with. As he looked down at them, he could see the difference. He knew which ones belonged to someone who did not matter and which ones belonged to Matthew. He recognized the size and shape of them. He even recognized the colour.
He was ashamed. He could still taste the other woman and the scotch and cigarettes that he had plied her with beneath the taste of Matthew. He could still smell her perfume and it sickened him. He was so ashamed.
The tears kept slipping onto the pillow and the pillowcase was soaking through with tears and sweat and naughtier juices.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't do it again." He kept whispering the apologies under his breath like it might make a difference but the tears kept coming. Gilbert wanted to keep his promise this time, he did, but he never seemed able to. Perhaps Matthew knew that. Perhaps that explained the never ending tears…
Perhaps he knew better than to believe him.
"I won't do it again, I won't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Matthew shifted closer and mumbled, bitter and biting, as he wrapped his arms around him like he might disappear. It sounded like a curse and Gilbert ran his hand over the welt on his jaw. He deserved it. He wished it hurt even more.
The worst part was, in the morning, Matthew would pretend it had never happened. He would push his unfaithfulness down, somewhere deep inside, where it could fester in peace. He would cover it up. He would forgive him.
Somehow, as perfect as he was, Matthew needed him as much as Gilbert needed Matthew.
In the morning, he would change the bedsheets and both of them would pretend it had never happened. The secrets and distrust and suspicions would linger but Matthew would forgive him at least once more.
And once more was enough.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Gilbert clutched him as close as possible and smudged his tears with gentle fingers. He focused on the sound of him breathing and on the love bites he recognized. He focused on the beautiful man in his arms.
Once more was more than enough. Perhaps, this time, he could keep his promise.
"I won't do it again."
Author's Notes:
Oh, hello again alternate universe. Why are you so sad all the time? Shhh… There, there. I mentioned that this is a companion piece to the short Too Little Too Late because the two songs seem, to me, to be two sides of the same coin.
Gilbert… Stop contemplating life and watching Matthew dream… It's getting weird… He just does that, I swear. I sit down to write and he decides to be contemplative. I need to write something happier.
I am still having a rough time. Everyone seems to have cancer. I am on new medication though (again) so this week is looking up.
As such, I would be honoured if everyone would send me a song title and artist for future Inspired chapters. I cannot promise that I will interpret it the same but writing these is simple and fun and I want to do another dozen in the coming weeks. Please help me out by sending a song and I suppose I will dedicate that chapter to you. Everyone is welcome to send it in via either review or private message and feel free to leave one as 'anonymous' too.