Chapter 12: a sunny day
I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER I LOST INTERNET FOR A WEEK AND THEN I GOT BUSY I'M SO SORRY! I HPE YOU LIKE IT! :)
It was nice to be home again after the incident that had happened a few weeks ago. Since then, Dan hasn't stopped trying to apologize. He did all the cleaning, all the cooking, he even called the Taxi to pick me up for my appointments with a therapist. I'm kind of getting used to going, now that I've been there 3 times.
Every Wednesday, I go see Kathy, my therapist, and we just talk for two hours. She asks me all these questions about everything that's going on. It gets sort of annoying being asked all these questions about things I wish I could just forget. I really didn't want to have to go to therapy, but I do because it makes Dan feel better.
Three weeks ago…
"Phil, I'm calling you a Taxi!" Dan shouts at me from the kitchen.
"Do I have to go? I feel better, honest" I answer back from the lounge.
"Phil, I need you to feel better, I need you to be better. Please just go, maybe you'll find it helpful."
"You know you're almost like my therapist, helping me all the time, making sure I know my home is here with you." I say smiling, hoping it'll persuade Dan to not make me go. It doesn't work.
"Phil, I'm not a professional, I don't know tricks that can help you feel better. Please just go, Phil, do it for me." Dan replied
"Ugh, but I don't want to go by myself, this is my first time ever going to see a therapist. Will you come with me? Please?" I said, finally giving in.
I actually was really nervous, I didn't want to go, but if it made Dan feel better, then I guess it would at least help one of us. It was a scary thought that I actually needed help dealing with my feelings. That meant I wasn't normal, that meant I was one of those people society considered "emo". I didn't want to have that title tagged to my name my whole life. Plus, I'm 27, who ever heard of a 27 year old having to go to therapy? Guess my life wasn't going to be normal ever again.
"Fine, if it'll make you go, I'll go with you." Dan said smiling in relief because I agreed to go.
As we waited for the Taxi, Dan combed his hair and put his shoes on. Today Dan had his hobbit hair, his adorable wavy hair. He looked so beautiful with his hobbit hair, I didn't get to see it often but when I did, I enjoyed every moment of it. He was the definition of beautiful in my book.
Dan called the taxi and we waited out front of the building for it. He held my hand and I squeezed it. I was nervous and Dan could tell. He hugged me tight and told me it was going to be ok, that maybe in a few months it could all be over. Even with Dan right by my side, I was scared and nervous, I really didn't want to go to therapy.
I didn't say a word for a while, I just stood there looking at the ground, on the verge of tears.
"Phil, you're awfully quiet, are you ok?" Dan asked leaning down to look at my face and rub my back.
"No, Dan, I'm not ok, I don't want to go. I really don't want to go." I say cupping my hands around my face
"I know you don't want to go, but I think it'll really help you. You're having some troubles and I don't want to mess it up even more trying to help you. You're going to be fine, I know you will. You're stronger than you think you are, I know you can do it. Please don't cry, you're too beautiful to do that." He said removing my hands from my face and looking me in the eyes.
I looked at him with teary eyes, letting him know I really didn't want to go. He gave me a look of sympathy and held my face in his hands. He kissed me gently on the cheek and brought me into a huge, tight hug. He grabbed my head one last time and kissed me on the lips passionately before the Taxi got there.
We got in the Taxi and told the driver where to take us. Dan grabbed my hand and held it. I looked at our hands, then up at him, he was smiling at me. His smile. His beautiful smile gave me butterflies in my stomach. Even though he was mine, and I see that smile a lot, I still get butterflies every time. The mixture of his Hobbit hair, and his gorgeous smile made me want to pull him on my lap and just cuddle him, but I couldn't.
The Taxi dropped us off out front of the building. I shuddered and grabbed Dan's hand right after the Taxi left, squeezing it. I began to get cotton mouth from the stress of being so nervous. Dan held our hands up and showed me them and said: "I won't leave your side, I love you, Phil." This made me smile. We stopped right out front the wooden door and he stepped in front of me. With the hand that wasn't holding mine, he wiped away the tears from my cheek.
"You can do this, it'll be alright, I love you so much." He said kissing me on the lips before opening the door and walking in.
I felt a bit better, now, and I wasn't as anxious anymore. Dan held my hand the whole time. He wouldn't let go of it for one second. We got a few strange looks, but Dan just ignored them, I did too.
I was terrified, I had no idea what was going to happen. Would they ask a lot of questions? Would they be personal? What if I break down in tears and make myself look stupid like I always do in bad situations? A lot of questions were running through my head and I had no answers. I was too afraid to ask Dan what he thought because he probably didn't know and there were so many people near the sign in desk.
My hands were too shakey to sign in or talk to the lady at the desk, so Dan was nice enough to do all that for me. He took my hand and lead me to the waiting room sofa, hugging me tight as soon as we sat down. A tear ran down my face and stopped on my cheek. Was I crying already? Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just be ok with this, this is help, this is what I need. Dan quickly took his hand and pressed his thumb onto my cheek wiping away the tear. A few more followed and Dan wiped them away with his hoodie sleeve.
My name was called and Dan nudged me, telling me we had to get up. He held my hand as the lady showed us to where we were supposed to be. She opened the door and signaled for us to have a seat. She told us Kathy would be right in.
A few minutes passed and not a word was said, I sat with my hands in my pockets and staring at the ground, shaking my leg as if it was the wheels making my thought train race along its tracks. I was thinking about a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't, but Dan still held my hand.
What if he let go? What of Kathy was homophobic? What if this wasn't going to help and only make it worse? What if I start to cry again? What if Kathy is mean and doesn't really care? What if she makes fun of me? All these questions. All these knives being shoved inside me. All the problems that wouldn't help.
"Phil? What are you thinking about? You seem really lost." Dan finally spoke up, extinguishing the silence.
"What if this doesn't go well? What if something bad happens?" I said looking up into Dan's eyes desperately.
"Phil, this is a place to get help, that won't happen, you'll be fine. I'm not leaving your side and I won't let go of your hand until you want me to. I love you Phil, and I know you can do this." He said pulling me into a big hug.
That's when Kathy walked into the room. She had a laptop, a couple folders, and a clip board in her hands. She set everything down on her desk and took a seat.
"What's your names?" She asked looking at Dan fist, and then me, smiling.
"This is my boyfriend, Phil, and I'm Dan." Dan said smiling back at her.
"Aww how sweet you guys are together?" She asked looking at me, wanting me to answer but Dan had to come to the rescue and save me., because I was too dumb to speak.
"Yeah we are, and we're verry happy with each others company." Dan said patting my hand.
"How long have you guys been together?" Kathy said, looking at me once again.
"Just about 5 months now, 5 happy months." Dan said looking at me and smiling.
"That's adorable, what you guys have is special. Remember that" She said giving a friendly wink at Dan "So I take it that Phil is the one I need to see?" She added looking at Dan, finally getting that I wasn't going to talk much.
"Yeah he's having some troubles with his feeling and some stuff happened and I just really need him to feel better." Dan replied, almost pleading.
"Alright, Dan can you tell me why you guys came to visit me today?" She asked.
"Well Phil and I make YouTube videos and a lot of our fans want us to be together, like in a relationship, and now that we actually are, Phil wanted to make a coming out video that also announced that we were together. I got scared and didn't want to do the video with him and I wouldn't let him make the video by himself. He got really depressed and upset by my decision and locked himself in his room. He then tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital for 6 days." Dan said, tears starting to leak from his eyes.
"Oh no sweetie, don't cry. This wasn't your fault. It was your decision, and that's ok. The problem here is that Phil doesn't know how to deal with bad situations. But that's ok, because I'm here to help and teach you guys some tricks to help be and stay positive." She said smiling at me and then Dan.
Kathy reached for my hands from across her desk. I let go of Dan's hand and shyly place my hands close to hers on the desk. She takes them and looks into my eyes. "Now, Phil, I'm going to need you to communicate with me a bit here. We're going to take a look back and see if getting out some thoughts, feelings, or emotions can help you. Alright?" She said. I shook my head.
It was an hour after we got home from the therapists. My head was spinning. I had a head ache, it hurt so bad.
"Phil do you want something to help with the pain?" Dan asked sitting next to me on the sofa.
"That would be nice, darling." I said quietly.
Dan brought me back 2 little pills and a glass of water. He sat down next to me and set them down on the table and gently kissed me. My eyes were still swollen and I took him into my arms with a deep embrace, shoving my face in the curve of his neck and shoulder. The tears draining from my eyes cover the collar of his shirt in a darker colour. He rubs my back and hugs me just as tight as was him. He had a special way of making me feel better almost instantly.
The way he smelled, his smile, his hair, his body, his hands, his everything. His essence made everything better. I stopped and he handed me the pills and the glass. I take them and lay my head on the back of the sofa and close my eyes. He leans back with me and moves my hair away from my face.
"You did good today." He whispers in my ear.
I say nothing
"You got some things out, do you feel easier?" He whispered again.
A simple answer. "No" I reply.
"That's ok, it was only your first visit, maybe next week." He said kissing my cheek.
I could feel him worry about me when he walked away into the kitchen. I could hear him crying softly and open a drawer. I lay down and rest my head on a throw pillow. I was tired and let my dreams take over me.
A few hours later…
I wake up to a shower of kisses all over my face. And a tear stained face over mine. It was Dan. He was standing over me. I pull him down on top of me and wrap my hands around him.
"Why were you crying." I ask holding his face.
"I was just a bit worried about you, that's all." He said sniffling back tears and trying to smile.
"Why were you worried?" I ask him looking into his eyes concerned.
"Well, what you said at the therapists made me just a bit worried." Dan said shoving his arms under my back and laying his head on my chest hugging me tight. "I was really worried about you, I thought, I thought-.." He was cut off by his own crying.
"What did you think, Dan?" I asked moving his hair away from his face.
He looked up at my eyes with a very concerned face. He opened his mouth to speak but only cried more. "I really thought therapy would help you, but it seems it didn't, and I'm scared it wont. I'm sorry if it only made it worse, I know you didn't have a good time today. It was all my fault I'm so sorry. What you said in there really made my heart break into tiny pieces. I finally understand everything, Phil, I'm so so so sorry. You don't have t go again if you don't want to." He said crying even more. I pull his head back down to my chest and hug him as tight as I can without hurting him.
He moves one of his arms out from under me to wipe the tears off his face but his hoodie sleeve was pulled down a bit and I could see his wrist. There was something on it. I didn't know what it was. I look again, oh no. I'd recognize marks like that anywhere. I grab his wrist before he can pull away from his face. I pull his sleeve down to reveal several dark red lines. I look up at him with sad eyes and he pulls his arm away.
"Dan..?" I sad worriedly
He is silent and gets off of me. He sits beside me on the sofa with his head down, crying silently to himself with his arms crossed tightly.
I sit up and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Dan what are those for?" I ask
"I was worried and upset with myself for making you go and I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry. You're mad at me now, aren't you? I'm sorry." He said crying.
"Dan, I'm not mad at you." I said moving closer to him.
"Yes you are! I know you are! I'm a failure. I was supposed to be strong to help you, but I'm not, and I only made this whole thing worse! You'd be better off without me. I know you would. You could leave me for someone else so much better and get him within 5 seconds. I see all the comments on your YouTube videos and all the twitter replies. Why don't you go for one of them?" He said then started hitting himself on the head with his hand.
I move as close to him as possible and pull him on my lap and turn his face towards mine. I look him in his beautiful brown eyes. "Dan, I'm really not mad, I'm concerned. And let me tell you something. No one's supposed to strong all the time, people are allowed to be sad and upset when there's heavy bricks on their shoulders. People are supposed to crash and burn and get their hearts all tangled up in thorn bushes sometimes, that's what makes the world as beautiful as you. It creates that stuff that makes things happen, whether it be better feelings, books, movies, events, what ever you can think of." I pause to hug Dan and lay my head on his. "Dan I love you so much, there's no one I'd rather be with ever. I don't want anyone else, I just want you. I would never leave you, you know that right? I love you so much I would rather get hit by a train than to ever see you cry. Being hit by a train would be far less painful." I hug him even tighter and kiss his head.
"Do you really mean that? You're not leaving me?" Dan asked looking into my eyes.
"No, Dan, I'm not, I love you far too much. You are my Dan, and I hope it always stays like that." I reply, then grab his face and kiss him so passionately and only to let go for a second to move his body to face mine.
He wraps his arms around my neck and I move my arms around his waist pulling him closer. While doing so, I reach over to grab the blanket and wrap it around us. Everything seems so much better when Dan was in my arms.
"Phil, do you really love me that much that you'd never leave me ever?" Dan asked looking into my eyes with his still teary ones.
"Yes of course I do, Dan I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. You're the only person I want to always have by my side. I love you so much, there's nothing in this world that could ever be big enough to compare my love for you to, besides outer space." I said looking him the eyes.
"I love you, Phil, I love you so much. I never want to be without you, you're my everything. If I physically could, I would give my heart to you." Dan said hugging me, nuzzling his face into my neck and kissing it all the way up to my jaw bone and then getting to my lips and kissing me for a while. I place both my hands on his perfect ass and I can feel him smile, which made me smile. I love when he smiles or laughs, his smile is my favourite sight and his laugh is my favourite sound.
While he was kissing me, I got this idea. An idea that would be perfectly ok, now that gay marriage was legal. Maybe just maybe. But how would I do it? When would I do it? Would he say yes? God, I hope so. I think I'm gonna do it.