GABRIELLA

Senior year, day eight.

"Do you want to get an order of the mozzarella sticks?"

"Sure."

Chris barely looks up from his phone when answering me that it takes all that's inside of me to keep it together.

But then he puts his phone down and slides it to the side, "sorry, what?"

"Mozzarella sticks," I repeat, "you want some?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

We're trying here. I mean, it'd be so silly to throw away our relationship because of a few rocky weeks with fights here and there, you know?

I'm not being completely honest.

It's been a few rocky months. I just feel so disconnected with him at times. We're good then we're not. We're perfectly happy one minute and pissed off at each other the next. I honestly can't pinpoint it. No, I can. I feel like he's not trying anymore. I feel like he's made himself comfortable in my heart and thinks he can just cruise by and that's not the case. We're at a halt and I really, really want to just get out of it and move on from it or something. So, I apologized for getting more upset than I should have about dinner at my house and he apologized for talking to me the way he talked to me.

"Are you busy this weekend?" Chris asks me, reaching for his lemonade, "if not, maybe we can head over to Aurora to try out that new restaurant."

"Really?" I ask, not sure if it's just an empty promise.

He smiles at me and nods.

That smile tells me it's genuine and he's trying and that's all I'm asking for.

I nod, "yeah, we should. I don't really have anything going on. I'm headed to Boulder on Saturday for Tori's birthday, you wanna do it on Sunday for lunch?"

"Perfect."

"Do you want to go to homecoming?"

"Do you want to?"

I shrug, "not really. I mean, I'd go if you wanna go, but it's not something I need to go to."

He laughs, "yeah, no, it's kind of lame, don't you think? Besides, that weekend, I'm going to Grand Lake with my friends."

"Oh, really? I heard Brett and Zach wanna check it out."

"Nah, not friends from school, I..." he takes another sip of his lemonade and before he could finish what he's saying, our waitress comes over to take our order. Mozzarella sticks included. When she's out of sight, he takes another sip and then continues. "Friends from the first club team I've ever played for. Some of them have stayed friends, going to the same school and all. Few weeks ago, reconnected with them and so, we're going for the weekend."

This is the first time I've ever heard of those friends. I'm barely hearing about them as we speak.

I guess I don't need names.

But it's just sort of... out of nowhere.

You do make great friends, though, through soccer. And other spots.

"Sounds fun," I smile at him, not really knowing what else to say. If I ask too many questions, it might turn into a fight. I feel like we haven't exactly gotten off the train of fighting and being on edge with each other. "If I do decide to go, I'll just make it a group thing or something with Morgan, Nicole and them."

"Yeah, that'll be fun."

All of a sudden, I get a phone call from an unknown number, which freaks me out a little bit. I usually never get these.

But I don't answer it, I don't want to.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom," I tell Chris who reaches for his phone the second I tell him.

I did want to answer it, actually, just not in front of him.

So, I head outside.

With everything going on, I think of the worst. But wouldn't my mom or dad call me? Why would an unknown number call me? The hospital? I have no idea, but it's freaking me out and when I'm calm enough to finally call the number back, I take a deep breath and lean against the wall outside this restaurant.

Fear, anxiety, everything that had washed over me the second I got the call all went away at the sound of my best friend's voice.

She got a new number and her texts weren't going through so she called.

Thank God.

I've never been more happy to hear Sienna Johnson's voice.

I stood out here for a moment talking to her about a few things here and there, but I knew I couldn't take to long. I mean, how long does it take to go to the bathroom? So, I just told her what I've been wanting to tell her and then told her I'd call her later.

When I got back to the table, Chris who was on the phone himself, hung up right away and tossed me a smile.

"What's up?" I ask him.

"Nothing," he shakes his head, looking down at his phone for a minute.

It was my way of asking who it was. But he didn't take the bait and I wasn't going to push it because no doubt it'd start an argument. Everything does lately and I'm pretty sick of it. I mean, who lives like this?

We do.

I sit back on my side of the booth, take a deep breath and remind myself we're in this because we love each other, we really do.

Then, why is it so fucking hard?

SENIOR YEAR, DAY 14.

"What are you doing?"

I jumped at the sound of Troy's voice. "Oh, um, waiting."

He gave me a small smile as he walked around the table, "sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay."

"You didn't drive today?" He asks.

I shake my head, "nah, my car needed an oil change. I had an ASB meeting after school, but Morgan skipped for a doctor's appointment."

He looked around at the pretty empty quad.

"Who are you waiting for exactly?" He asks me, "Chris? Because he left."

"No," I shake my head again, feeling a little embarrassed about that and I'm not sure why. Should I be waiting for my boyfriend? Should I have asked him for a ride? I don't know why I didn't. It was subconscious, I think. "Morgan's coming back for me. I'm starting on some homework."

"Do you want a ride?"

Do I want a ride? Um, yeah, I do want a ride, but I probably shouldn't. I mean, lately my mind's been all over the place, it's the last thing I need right now.

Especially since I had a dream Troy and I were together.

God.

This is so fucking wrong. So wrong.

I can't lie and say there's never been something there for Troy, because there has and I don't know if it's like fully gone away, but lately, with him around and Chris MIA and just being able to talk to him and being the friends we are, it's like my mind is everywhere. I don't know how to control it. I don't know how to stop it from thinking about him and dreaming about him and smiling when I'm around him.

The other night when I asked him if things were different, I wasn't talking about in general. I was talking about relationship wise.

It was so dumb.

I felt like the shittiest person for thinking about that.

This is my boyfriend's best friend! I cannot be thinking about him like that. I cannot wish he would have talked to me more that night instead of Chris.

I just can't. It's so wrong.

"Gabriella?"

"What?" I focus my attention back on him, "um, oh yeah, sure, thank you."

Troy gives me a small smile and then motions to the front of the school, "I parked in front today."

I nod, picking up all my stuff, "okay."

It takes us less than three minutes to get to Troy's car.

I get in, buckle up and then close my eyes for a second. Troy's my friend. There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing, right? Even if lately, he's been on my mind and the thought of hanging out with him has crossed my mind more than once. But we're friends. This is okay. We've always been friends. And Chris knows that and is okay with that and loves that. He's always told me he loves that I get along with his friends so well, especially his best friend aka Troy.

I open my eyes to Troy answering a call from his mom before we pull out of the spot.

"I just left school," he tells her, "shit, I mean, shoot, sorry. Yeah, um, I'll go as soon as I can. Because I have to drop someone off first... okay. Love you."

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"Nothing," he says, pulling out, "just forgot I had to run some errands."

"Oh, where?"

He comes to a stop at the end of the street, looks to his left, straight ahead and then left again before turning right, "Target, cleaners, verizon store..."

Target. It's right here. Like, literally in the shopping center by our school. It'd be so dumb to drop me off and then come back here. I shouldn't offer to go with him, but whatever, I'm about to. "I don't need to get home so if you need to go to Target, it's right here, we can go."

"What?" He looks over at me, "you want to go to Target?"

"Sure," I shrug, "if you need to."

"Um, I do," he nods, "mom gave me a list of things to buy, but I'm not going to drag you. It's fine, I can drop you off and come back, it's not a big deal."

Okay, maybe he doesn't want to hang out. Understandable. We're just friends.

I know that.

"Okay," I say, "just thought it'd be easier."

"It probably will," he says taking a left at the stoplight, "okay, you sure you don't mind? I'll try to go fast."

"Yeah, definitely, go for it."

Fuck.

I'm in over my head and I have to really stop this.

But I... can't.