Rules For Living Near A Stargate

by kiwiswritings

Stargate's generally come with some amount of danger and well you need to keep that under control. Especially when you have teams like to act like three years olds on weekends. Here are some few fun rules to remember while hanging out either at the SGC or on Atlantis. told from oc p.o.v Sasha O'Neill. REWRITE of Rules For Atlantis.

6. Rule 51 - 60

A/N:

Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.

I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D

SGC – Chapter 6

Rule # 51: Never start quoting the Simpsons

{Jack's not amused that this is up here.}

Spider Pig, Spider pid does whatever a spider pig does…can he swing from a web, no he can't he's a pig, loooook out he is the spider pig. {That song travelled throughout the SGC faster than a virus.}

Just once, I would like someone to call me 'Miss' without the 'You're making a scene.' {That is my personal favourite.} {Sure, Homer asid it with sir, but I am no sir!}

I like my beer cold…my tv loud…and my homosexuals flaming!

Stop pestering Satan! {Jack actually said this to me.}

Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.

Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand. {Daniel finally admitted he doesn't know everything.} {Then he said that.}

That guy impressed me. An I'm not that easily impressed. Wow! A blue dart. {Bra'tak was alarmed when I pointed to him.}

Ohhh, my ovaries! {Cam…if that excuse didn't work for Bart, what makes you think it was going to work for you?}

Mmm…Pistol whip…

D'oh!

Sam, I want you to remember me as I am now…filled with murderous rage. {That was after a rather nasty day with the To'kra.}

{I'm amazed we are still allowed to watch this show on base.}

Rule # 52: When the emergency alarm goes off, never do or say the following:

Nobody panic! Nobody panic! Just follow these simple instructions…crap, where'd I put them?

I never said they would never find us, I recall saying that it would take longer…

Who's in charge here? Then answer by pointing to the opposite person. {Jack and Sam.}{That really made me laugh.}

Anyone know how to turn this thing off? {Vala.}{Yeah.}

Once again, finding a virgin to sacrifice. {The Gou'ould are not interest in virgins.}{Not that I know of?}

Why didn't they DOOOOOOOOOOODDDGGGEEE?

{We get up to all kinds of antics.}

{Doctor Lamb and General Landry are amazed we all haven't been killed yet.}

{I'm sort of amazed myself…}

Rule # 53: Never strap leaf blowers to your back while wearing roller blades.

{Sure you get around the SGC much faster.}

{But according to Daniel, it's unsafe.}

{But man, it was so much fun!}

{The look on General Landry's face when Vala and Cam went zooming by.}

{So priceless.}

Rule # 54: If someone on base coughs very loudly, never say the following:

*'How the tuberculosis? Is it better?' {Bad idea all around.}
*'Did you cough up a bar stool?'
*'Ya know, you really need to switch brands..'
*'If you're gonna choke to death, could you do it more quietly?'
*'Hey, I found your lung!'
*'Dude, did one of your balls drop?'

{Frasier takes medical jokes way to seriously.}

{But I laughed when Sam had to be taken in to be 'examed.'}

Rule # 55: Never say the following, just because you can:

*'Whoa! I like the way you said that. BOOM!'
*'He's so boring! He doesn't get mad when I poke him!'
*'Ibetthere's a gnome living up there. He waits in the confinements of her hair during the day until she starts poking it with pizza crust and feeds him!" {Cameron making fun of my messy hairdo.}
*'NOTHING! I JUST FELT LIKE HOLDING MY EYE AND SCREAMING!'

*'There are voices in my head...and they keep telling me to throw Bill off the roof.' {Doctor Lee ran away from me after that 0.o}

*'I'm a vegetarian...except for steak! I love steak!'
*'I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!' {Making fun of Daniel's new 'messenger bad' is bad.}

(Once again, newly arrived Aliens will question the human races sanity.)

Rule # 56: Ball pits have been banned.

{Which is good and bad.}

{Daniel stayed in that thing for five hours, sorting out all of the balls by color and size.}

{He does odd things after being dumped.}

{I eventually volunteered to go in and try to get him out.}

{It took me half an hour to catch him.}

{It didn't help that he kept popping up on the other side of me and saying, 'Bazinga!'}

{All of the Guys were laughing hysterically.}

{Grrr...}

Rule # 57: Never say the following randomly, during meetings, or when you're near Mar'touf:

-Yo face! {it confuses them soooooo horribly.}

- Yo momma! {I love it when they respond "What about my mother!"}

-Uh, does anyone have a giant tampon?' {That is just fun to say all around.}

-Wait...the snakes were supposed to be fake? {Walter took off running.}

-Which way to the happy house?

-F** you! *hold one middle finger up* Up the ass! *other middle finger* Twice! *criss-cross*

-OMG YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST-kitten! *run towards imaginary kitten* {Of course, I did that when Jacob and Mar'touf where in the room.}

Rule # 58: Never greet any new comer (Jaffa) with disturbing Nature videos.

{Especially the one of the small owl eating the large rodent.}

{O.o...Ugh...}

Rule # 59 : General O'Neill (Trying to be nice mwaha) , never tell them about all the stupid things I did as a child.

{Especially about the time I hydroplaned across a parking lot.}

{With my body.}

{I still don't know how it happened.}

{I don't think I ever will.}

Rule # 60: No more quoting or watching Invader Zim.

*'Tell me a story about giant pigs!'

*'No, I - Wait... What do eyes have to do with breathing?'{Oh THAT one Replicator...so uneducated aboutthe human bodyin so many ways.}

*'What's wrong with you? All you talk about is aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!'{I swear, Syler is so paranoid.) (He made that statement even better when he replied, 'He was using the belt sander...'}

*'Awww... I wanted to explode.'(Jack thinks I'm spending way to much time with Sam...)

*Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.'{Okay, maybe my old teacher never said that, but man she was a bitter old woman.}

*All I wanted was to have some pizza, hang out with Joe, and not let your weirdness mess up my day!'{Once again, me yelling at The Rebel Jaffa...}

*'Fire some kinda laser... thingie at 'em; RIGHT NOW!' {Oh Cam...how we all put up with you is a mystery.}

*'Hi floor! Make me a sandwich!{Daniel keeps questioning my sense of humour…}

*'But Ineedtacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes...'{The newbie's totally fell for it!}{I got sooo many tacos!}

*'Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP?'{I just enjoy yelling that at random intervals.}{I also enjoy the sentence because it has bacon in it.}

{Once again, General Landry, Sam and Jack questions Jackson and I's taste in shows…}

A/N: Some of these rules are not mine.

They belong to Tatyana Witwicky. Written for her Transformers guide.

She gave me permission a couple of years ago to use them :3