Rules For Living Near A Stargate

by kiwiswritings

Stargate's generally come with some amount of danger and well you need to keep that under control. Especially when you have teams like to act like three years olds on weekends. Here are some few fun rules to remember while hanging out either at the SGC or on Atlantis. told from oc p.o.v Sasha O'Neill. REWRITE of Rules For Atlantis.

8. Rule 71 - 73

A/N:

Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.

I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D

SGC – Chapter 8

Rule # 71: The 'Ferrets Song' is banned from base.

{It starts out sounding all cheery and happy.}

{Then it gets a little...odd.}

{Cam's face when he heard me singing the last part…}

{Oh lord.}

{'I love the feel of grain, the screams of a man in pain...'}

{Maybe it was the look on my face that startled him.}

Rule # 72: Never quote Sue Sylvester from Glee.

{That woman is epic!}

*'-If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.' {Sam is extremely evil when she wants to be.}

-'I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting!' {Pete made the mistake of asking me why I always give Anderson so much crap.}{I think he regretted asking me.}

-'I'm all about empowerment. I empower my men to live in constant fear by creating an environment of irrational random terror.' (Syler shuffled away.)

-'For me trophies are likeherpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. You know why? I have hourly flare ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent.'

-'Your resentment is delicious.'

-'Add revenge to the long list of things you're no good at.' {I enjoy giving Walter a hard time.}

-'Lady Justice wept today.'

-Prepare to be crushed.' {Vala.}

-All I want is one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.

-So much sneaky gay deception!

Rule # 73: Quotes from Red vs. Blue are discouraged.

(But lets' face it, we haven't followed any of the 'Do not quote' rules as of yet.)

*'There's a veryfine linebetween not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.' (Jack did not find that line amusing.)

*'Relax, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.' {That was Teal'c.}

*'He is not pregnant!' {Again with the 'Food baby' jokes.}

*'I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!

*'You're round and you can't wear pants.' {I enjoy saying any sentence with pants in them.}

*'Goodbye Major Cinnamon Bun, I will always remember your buttery goodness.' {Daniel glared at Cameron...for an hour}

*'Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!' {I wanted toast, dammit!}{I was too lazy to make more.}

*'SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!' {I just love saying that randomly.}{Jack asked me who this Sheila was.}

*'Also someone might have been surprised by that and peed his pants... Just a little bit... Or a lot.' {Jonas...just admit it...Anubis scared the piss out of you.}

*'That was you...I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me...'

*'OH crap, OH crap, OH crap, running, running, running!' {Ba'al was astounded at how fast humans can run when under the threat of being blown up.}

'Well at least I don't go around knocking on peoples non-doors and promising them cookies AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES! I'M! LEAVING!' {Oh pregnancy, thou art a heartless bitch.}

*'Hey, The box is there for a reason. I feel safe in there.' {Prue and I were hiding from Lam.} {Cam found that funny.}

*'If you had backed up any further you would have had to mail him the bullets!'

*'That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch.'

*'Hey Sasha! How you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets! In your face! How you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears?' {Doctor Lee is a very sore winner.}

*'PROTECT ME CONE!'

*'I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations...Like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton!' {Simmons really hates it when Jack, Cam, or myself do that.}

*'You're about to get Simmonsized!' {That is his new slogan.}

*'Simmons! I need your ovaries!' {Hammond gave me an odd look.}

{Simmons put his hand on my shoulder and said the following, 'Darling Sash...one..I am a man...and two, if I did...like I'd give them to you...'}

{Major sweat drop moment.}

*'And you will hear my laser face!'

*'Blue vs. Red battles. No one says Red vs. Blue. It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.' {That was Daniel.}

*'I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!' {Walter screamed that at Syler, who was looking less than pleased.}{That startled him just a bit.}

*'Not my fault, Jonas did it.' {That's my answer for anything that goes wrong.}{It really doesn't work if Jonas isn't even in the same room.}{Or the same galaxy for that matter.}

*'Oh, him. Yeah, um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh... but we don't think it was anyone's fault, everybody agrees it was an accident.' {I'm terrible at making excuses as to why there was a dead Ori in the brig and I just happened to be the only person there at the time.}

*'What're you gonna do, shoot ghost bullets? "Hey I'm Casper the friendly bullet".'

*'What's wrong Ba'al, having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, happens to everybody. Well, not me but...' {Oh my god, I couldn't believe Jack said that!}{That was the best thing ever!}

*'It's not pink, its light-ish red!' {Yeah, sure Doctor Lee…}

*'Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?'

*'Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.'

*'For the love of evil, someone get the phone!' {That one actually had a funny story to it.}{I was just imagining life on a Gou'ould ship, with Ba'al having to deal with his crew being all lazy and shit...}{I mean seriously, have you seen how fat most of them are?}{I said that in my best Ba'al voice while making odd, angry looking faces.}

*'Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?'

*'Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.' {I'm still having nightmares from that.}

{My god, this rule was so big, it took up a whole freaking page of report paper!}

{Landry was not that amused, but took the paper anyway!}

A/N: Yes it's so big I have to stop it here haha.

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