TROY

Senior year, day thirty-seven.

That's what was going on with Gabriella.

Her grandma is sick.

And she has every single reason in the world to be checked out, physically and emotionally.

She hasn't, though. She's still making posters for football games, she's still studying and getting A's on her tests, she's still trying to hang out with her friends and Chris and although, I've noticed her being somewhat checked out, she's still there pushing through and it's really admirable.

When my grandma was sick, I barely spoke to anymore.

It came fast and hard and she was gone before I knew it and it was really, really, really hard on me. I shut everyone and everything out.

I know what she's going through.

It sucks.

I wish I didn't once feel what she was going through, but I did, so I want to help.

And hearing her talk about it, how it came about, where she was when she found out, every little detail about it, I think helped her a bit and that's all I want.

I want to help her.

It's so wrong to tell your best friends girlfriend to stay the night, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want her to go home to an empty house after the night she's had. And all of her friends are no doubt at some after party because of homecoming and they're probably drunk or going home drunk and she turned to me for a reason. Because I understand and know what she's going through so I'm trying here. It sucks because I wish more than anything I could kiss away her pain and hug her until she falls asleep, but I can't. There's absolutely no way I can do that. I just have to be here for her in secret for the time being, I guess.

"Thank you," I hear Gabriella behind me as I'm getting her room ready.

"Don't worry about it," I tell her.

She was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt so she didn't need or want any clothes to sleep in, which was easier on me to be honest.

I got her set up with some toothpaste, a toothbrush, extra pillows and some towels.

"How did you deal with your grandma's cancer?"

"What?"

She shook her head, "sorry, I know you probably don't like to relive it, think about it or whatever. Never mind."

That's not the issue. It just came out. I didn't mean to say, what.

"Not the way you're dealing with it."

"What do you mean?"

"You're still present in everyone's life. You're still going to school, answering questions in class, going to your ASB meetings, doing shit with that, going to lunch with your friends, hanging out with your boyfriend, laughing, having what seems to be a good time or pretending to at least. You're not shutting anyone out. You are a little checked out lately. Not to the point where people would really notice, but you are sitting there with your head in the clouds and I was... not. I was sitting there and people knew very well that I was upset and angry and pissed off at the world. I shut everyone out. I literally became a recluse for some months. Didn't talk to anyone, really. My mom wanted to send me to a therapist, but figured it'd be wasteful. I wouldn't say anything, probably. I took it so hard, and we all deal with things differently. My dad threw himself into his work, not wanting to think about it. My grandpa played golf every single day, swinging that golf ball like it was the cancer. You're dealing with it much better than I ever did."

Gabriella gave me a small smile, "it wasn't wrong the way you were dealing with it."

I shrug, "not wrong, but not very well."

"How'd you... get out of that? How did you go from being so angry and not speaking to moving on with it?"

"Just happened one day. I wasn't ready for it to happen. Chris asked if I wanted to go on some trip with him and I told him no, no explanation and he was like, you need to stop. The world didn't stop. People are still living and shit. I get it affected them so I don't know, I pretended everything was okay."

"And it wasn't?"

I shake my head, "not really. Pretending it was okay did help, though. Eventually, I went back to normal. But time did that."

She sighed, walking over to the bed and taking a seat.

"I wanna be able to heal on my own time. I'm mad your friends did that."

"What? No, it was fine."

"Chris has never had anything bad happen to him personally," she tells me, grabbing a pillow to hug, "his parents are married, he's the only golden child, has both sets of grandparents who are rich as fuck, he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. He wouldn't understand. He doesn't grasp it. And it's why I've been keeping it from him specifically along with the fact that I don't want to rain on his senior parade along with my other friends."

Chris is one of my best friends, but she's right about everything she said. He wasn't particularly there for me when my grandma died.

At the time, I didn't give a shit or even think about it.

But now that I'm older, yeah, it's absolutely wrong for him to have said that to me.

And to not be there.

I don't want to sit here and bash Chris, though. That's not what I'm about and I don't think she's about that, either. She's just going through a lot and is frustrated with everything around her and why she feels she can't tell anyone.

"Well, like I told you earlier, you can always talk to me whenever you want. Any time, any day, whenever. Honestly. I'll drop whatever I'm doing."

"I know you would, you're a great friend."

Ha.

There it fucking is.

I give her a smile and then tell her I'll be down the hall if she needs anything because I had to get out of there.

She just called me a great friend.

I know I'm just her friend, but having to hear it fucking sucks.

So much.

Senior year, day forty-three.

I was laying in bed the night Gabriella slept over thinking about everything.

She called me a great friend.

Obviously, I knew that's all I am to her and all I'll ever be to her, but hearing it in that moment really, truly changed things for me.

I need to get over her. It's the most important thing to do.

So, I'm trying.

Chris is my best friend. Someone I've known way longer than her and I'm not going to do that. I'm not trying to be that person. Falling in love with her or feeling like I've fallen in love with her isn't something I set out to do. It just happened. And I hate myself for it. It needs to change. I have to get over her.

And the only way I know how to do that is to date girls and see what else is out there, who's out there.

I cornered Nicole at school earlier this week.

And before I knew it, I was getting her cousin's number and was making plans to take her out to dinner Friday night.

I've never done this.

I've never been on a date before with a girl or anything close to it.

But it's not healthy or right to be this into Gabriella.

So when Monday rolled around and I saw Gabriella walking hand in hand with Chris in the hallway, something inside me went off and well, now I'm sitting across from Jamie at dinner giving a hand at this whole dating thing, hoping something good comes out of it at least.

Hope, maybe.

"Any plans for college next year?"

"Yeah, I'm hoping to go to Berkeley," I tell her, "but we'll see. What about you?"

"I'm not sure yet," she takes a bite of her salad, "I'm all over the place with schools. Sometimes I want SoCal, sometimes NorCal, sometimes East Coast..."

"Where, exactly?"

She takes a sip of her lemonade before telling me, "New York."

Ah.

New York.

"Everyone wants to move to New York at least once in their life," I chuckle.

"I want to be a fashion designer," she tells me proudly, like she knows she's going to make it and confidence looks good on her, "so, I figure that's the place to be. But the thought of being so far away from home is a little daunting so I'm still on the fence about it."

"You'll figure it out."

Jamie's... nice. And engaging. And cool.

I mean, this last hour has been nonstop chatter.

But at this moment, it's not changing my mind about anything. I'm not all better from crushing on Gabriella.

After the check was paid and we were walking through our downtown square, I realized I was in my head a little too much and maybe something could be there. Maybe I'm just not letting myself go all the way there and I hate it.

"So, who's the girl?" Jamie asks me.

"What?"

She chuckles, "the girl you're obviously into. The one that's stopping you from... just letting go."

Shit. What the hell.

"Um, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Come on. You're not into me. I'm not saying it's obviously because there's another girl. There's this look in your eyes. I can just tell. You're easy to read."

Fuuuuck.

If she can read me, who else can?

"It's... complicated."

"Lay it on me," she tells me as we come to a bench.

I take a seat next to her and shrug, "she has a boyfriend."

Jamie shakes her head, "fuck, that's not good. How long have they been together?"

"You're cousins with Nicole."

"Hey, I can keep a secret, I promise."

No names.

I'm absolutely giving her no names and downplaying my friendship with Chris and everything else.

"I don't know... a year, less?"

"You know, my mom liked my dad when he was in a relationship," she tells me, "it got messy because they went to a small school and everyone knew everyone. She hid it for so long, making herself miserable, trying to date other people, trying to convince herself that she doesn't actually like him. But then one day, she realized she has real, genuine feelings for him and if she doesn't say something, she's going to regret it for the rest of her life. So, on graduation day, she went up to him after the ceremony and told him, look, I know you have a girlfriend and it's not my intent nor do I want to break you guys up if you love each other, but the thing is, I like you. I have for a while now and I know we're friends and always have been, but there it is. I needed you to know before we leave today and it is what it is. Hope you have a great life if today is the last day I see you. And you know what happened? My dad sat in his car for an hour after graduation with nothing but his thoughts and he didn't make a pro or con list comparing the two, but when my mom told him that, his first reaction wasn't, how flattering, but no way, I love my girlfriend. It was, she waited this whole time to tell me? A light bulb went off that he wasn't as happy as he thought and he realized that my mom, his friend he'd walk to second period with and who'd let him borrow the math notes and was always in the stands at his football games, that girl is someone he never really knew he wanted until that moment when she was standing in front of him declaring her feelings for him. And so, he broke up with his girlfriend, asked my mom to grab some coffee, something very low key, and they talked for four hours. They took things very slow, but eventually made things official and they've been together ever since. 24 years."

"Oh wow," I take everything in she just told me, "fuck, that's... crazy. And cool. But my thing, it's a little more complicated. He's a friend."

"You're friends with her boyfriend?"

I nod, "for years."

She sighs, "yeah, that's a little more complicated, but all the same still. People have soul mates in this world. You'll never find yours without trying."

That is true. One hundred percent true.

But fucking over a friend for someone who I don't even know is mine or would even be romantically compatible with me?

It's crazy.

"I don't blame ya. Gabriella's so great. I'd want her, too."

"What?" My head snaps.

She laughs, "I promise I won't tell a soul."

I give in. I can't fucking deny it. "I don't want to like her. It's not like I'm sitting there, like, oh well, when they break up, I'll make my move. I literally feel sick about liking her and want nothing more than for her to stop being great so I can just... move on. Stop thinking about her."

"Tell her."

"I can't. I seriously cannot do that."

Jamie shakes her head, "you know, she didn't want you to go on a date with me."

What is she talking about? "How does she even know?"

"Nicole talked to her about it a little while ago, asking her advice."

"And...?"

"And she was like, I don't know if they'd be compatible, Troy's a little on the shy side and Jamie's really outgoing. Which is totally true. You're more reserved, I'm out there. And Nicole was just telling me how Gabriella told him that and so maybe tone it down for you and when a girl who likes a boy finds out they might be going on a date with someone else, they say shit like that. Why would she ever care that you're going on a date and have input like that?"

"Because we're friends?"

Jamie laughs, "no, Troy, you're so naive, it's cute. She cared. And it might be for that reason, her liking you, or another one."

She's making this harder than it was.

"I don't..."

"You're going to do what feels right for you," she tells me, "but if it's something you're feeling so deep down in your soul, like you almost can't breathe because of it, it's worth it for her to know. You don't want to live life with regrets."

Fuuuuuck. I can't.

Having her know, and Chris, or anyone, it's terrifying.

I don't know what to fucking do.