GABRIELLA

Senior year, day forty-seven.

I didn't go to school today.

It was just one of those days where I just didn't feel like going, or doing anything.

So, I'm currently laying in bed watching Grey's Anatomy.

Okay...

The thing is, I think I'm sad. Really sad. Depressed, maybe. I don't know. There's been so much going on and I don't even know where to start.

My grandma's better. She had that whole thing happen, but she's better. She got to go home.

Chris and I, it's just... I have no idea what to do. We act like everything's fine, but it doesn't feel fine. I feel this wall between us and I know for a fact it's not just one I've maybe built up these past couple of months. He has, too. Yet, he still tries to hold my hand in the hallway and kiss me after class as if nothing's wrong. And maybe nothing should be wrong, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. He doesn't necessarily make me happy.

And then, Troy...

I think about him way more than I should.

Because I think I am irrevocably in love with Troy Bolton.

How fucked up is that?

It's just something I've finally come to terms with after that night at his house. I have feelings for him. Deep, deep feelings that might be love.

And it's not like I want them to go away, which is fucking crazy because Chris is his best friend.

FUCK.

This whole week has been so weird.

Monday morning, we barely spoke in class. He asked how I was and then that's pretty much it. And then the rest of the weekend, it was the same. Maybe he felt awkward that he ended up falling asleep in the guest room bed with me after talking some more, but nothing happened so he shouldn't feel awkward. But I guess something did happen that morning... I woke up with this clear mind that I think I'm in love with Troy Bolton.

But we've barely talked all week and he went on a date with Jamie a few days ago and so, I think I'm depressed and really sad about the whole thing.

I don't want to be.

He's always just... there. For me. Or for anyone.

He's loyal to a fault, he's smart, funny, caring, beautiful, nice, so many great things.

How can you not fall in love with him?

I'm not sure it's exactly love, but I want to believe it is. I want to believe it's not just a stupid crush that you can get on fifty guys. I want to believe it's love because even though it's fucked up because I have a boyfriend, it's more real and genuine and maybe worth ending this whole thing.

Yes, I think I want to break up with Christoper Murphy.

Fuck.

I know nothing will probably come out of Troy and I, but I still need to end things with him. It's not right.

I'm not happy with him.

My thoughts are interrupted with my phone vibrating and a text coming in.

You okay?

It's Troy, asking me if I'm okay.

It's first period right now and he obviously sees I'm not in class. I know he's asking because of everything that's going on with my grandma lately. If it was just a random Tuesday where I'm absent, he wouldn't have sent this text. But it still makes my heart skip a beat because when Chris texted me earlier this morning and asked if I could bring one of his jackets, I told him I wasn't going to school.

His response? Shit okay, I needed it, but okay.

That's it.

I didn't even blink an eye because whatever, I didn't think much of it. But when you have something to compare it to now, I mean, my gosh.

Troy Bolton cares about me.

Sure, it might be as a friend, as his best friend's girlfriend, but nonetheless he cares and chooses to take out his cell phone in class and risk the chance of being caught to send me a text and ask if I'm okay because I'm not there.

Yes, I'm okay, thanks, I text him back, it was just one of those mornings. I needed to take a day off.

I sigh, locking my phone and closing my eyes.

This sucks.

I knew all those months ago that someone in the little time I had known Troy Bolton that there was something there. Something that just drew me in.

Why didn't I fight for it then?

Oh, maybe because Troy Bolton doesn't do girlfriends and the chance of me landing a date with him would have been slim to none. Did I settle for Chris? Sure, maybe. But I also did like Chris. And I did fall in love with him. Not the way I think I was supposed to. But I genuinely care for him and want what's best and I do love him. I did have a lot of fun with him. But a relationship should be more than fun. And I tried to suppress these feelings and I've tried not to think about them and I've tried to just let it go, but I can't. I just can't do it. I think about him a lot and I'm okay with that.

For the rest of my morning, I laid in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy.

I thought about going to school after lunch for the last two periods, but decided against it.

I'm sad.

About a lot of things.

Mostly because for so long, I haven't let myself get to this spot I'm in. But all of a sudden, I can't seem to get out of it.

I can't seem to not wake up thinking about Troy. I can't seem to go anywhere where he's not there to talk to. I can't seem to stop looking at him. I can't stop thinking about how he's always been there for me. Everything he's ever done for me, I can't stop thinking about it and him and I fucking hate it.

But I love it at the same time because it makes me happy.

Troy Bolton makes me happy.

As I'm easing into my 5th episode of Grey's, my phone dinged with a text message.

Troy.

Wanna let me in? I'm outside. Brought lunch.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Before these past weeks, I'd open the door no problem in the same exact outfit and hair I've been in all morning. But now, I'm pissed off he's here and I'm in sweats and a t shirt and my hair is so tight in a bun that if I take it out, there will be a crease. I have absolutely no make up on and I'm not even sure I've brushed my teeth because I haven't ate all morning. I haven't left my room, actually. Once to go to the bathroom.

But he's outside and I'm not going to deny him entry since he came all the way over here to bring me lunch, you know? How fucked up.

So, I quickly wash my face, throw on a sweater and go downstairs.

I couldn't put make up on.

How fucking ridiculous would that be?

When I open the door, Troy's standing there with a pizza in hand from one of our favorite pizza joints.

"Hi."

"Hey," he smiles, holding it up, "want some company?"

"Yeah, come in."

He heads to the living room while I go to the kitchen to grab some plates, paper towels and some sodas to go along with the pizza. I was getting pretty hungry so he came at the right time and brought one of the best pizza's in town.

Troy opened the box the moment I walked into the living room, taking a slice in his hand and biting right into it. No plate needed.

"So what's up? Is your grandma okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine," I nod, as far as I know anyway. "I told you, it was just one of those days."

"You sure?"

"Oh, did you come over here thinking my grandma was sick?"

He shrugs, "well, I can't tell from a text message. I told you, if you need someone to talk to, vent to, whatever, I'm always going to be here."

Of course he thought it was my grandma. I mean, he would never skip school just to hang out with me. Ha. How silly was that thought? I mean, it was dumb. And I get it. He wants me to be able to talk to someone. It's who he is. He's just a nice guy with genuine intentions.

"Well, she's fine," I tell him.

"That's great," he smiles, "but I just ditched school so I'm not going back."

"Okay."

Troy picks up his second slice of pizza as I'm barely making my way through the first one.

It's kind of awkward and I want to put it to rest.

"I thought you were ignoring me," I tell him, ripping a piece of my crust off, unsure if I made this whole thing worse. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I really thought he was mad at me or something. He barely looked my way or spoke to me all week. "Or mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"But were you ignoring me?"

He shakes his head, "no, I wasn't... I just, I don't know. You thought I was really mad at you?"

I shrug, "we usually talk a lot more than we have this past week."

"I'm sorry."

"No big deal," I shrug, feeling silly that I would even think he was mad at me. For what fucking reason? "How was your date with Jamie?"

"It was good," he nods, "she's cool."

I didn't actually want to know. But that's what friends do, right? They ask about things like that. And I can't fucking risk anything else right now. I don't want to be with Chris, but that doesn't mean I can be with Troy. They're best friends.

I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate that I love best friends. Loved one of them and now love the other. I hate it.

Why is this happening?

"Thanks for bringing me lunch," I change the subject.

"No problem," he shrugs and then turns to me, "what's the real reason you took today off?"

You.

No way could I actually say that.

It's not just him, though. It's everything.

It's him, it's Chris, it's feeling like I've crossed the biggest line, it's my grandma, it's college right around the corner. It's everything. I just needed a day to do absolutely nothing and think about absolutely nothing. But that's not happening. I lied in thinking about Troy and how bad it could be, but how I am in love with him... at least I think I am. If love is thinking about them constantly, wanting to be around them, them making you feel like a better person, then sure, yes, I am in love with Troy Bolton. And it's the worst thing imaginable, I know, but I can't fucking help it.

"I just needed a breather." It's not a complete lie. "Don't you ever just want to take a day off of your life, wish it was different for a little while?"

"Maybe," he tells me.

I'm not really sure what that means, but I don't push it.

I sigh, finishing my pizza. "I'm fine, Troy. You didn't need to come check up on me."

"I wanted to," he shrugs as if it's nothing.

It is something.

It actually means everything.

Ugh.