TROY

Senior year, day forty-eight.

Gabriella's walking the halls with a smile on her face as if she didn't take the day off yesterday.

As if she didn't wish her life was different.

It's strange.

But to each their own. I can't judge her for how she wants to present herself to everyone even though I know she's hurting everyday.

It sucks she's going through this cancer thing. It really, really sucks.

And I should stay away.

That was the plan. To stay away. Even after talking to Jamie, I realize I could never actually tell her how I felt. It sounded great and all and she gave me this glimmer of hope, but that was quickly shot down when Chris came over with some old soccer tapes and we got to reminiscing and somehow, as if he knew or something, slipped in how I was a great friend, the best he's ever had and he's lucky to have me in his life.

What the fuck kind of shit is that?! I am not the best kind of friend if I'm having feelings for his girlfriend, that's for sure.

But it made me not want to say anything.

Yet, somehow, when Gabriella wasn't in first period, I had to talk to her and ask if she was okay.

I had barely spoken to her the whole week before that.

It was rude.

But it was the only thing I could do.

Going over yesterday, ditching the rest of school, was stupid. It was honestly so stupid because every single time I talk, hang out with her, my feelings grow stronger. Obviously. I was doing a good job for a whole week, keeping my distance. And then I had to go and be stupid and go to her house with pizza.

"Hey, man," Chris interrupts my thoughts, "can't make it to Chase's."

"What? Why not?"

"Family stuff," he says as if he's completely annoyed by it, "I gotta head to Castle Pines right now."

Chris has some family problems. His aunt is addicted to drugs and so his family has always been there for her, doing everything in their power to make sure she gets healthy. It's hard on them, on him. I feel bad.

But for some reason, I don't believe him. I've never doubted him before. Ever. Everything he said, I'd believe because why wouldn't I?

I can't now, though.

Every since that text message and those bullshit lies he's told me, I can't.

"Alright, yeah, I understand," I tell him.

"Okay, see ya tomorrow," he pats me on the back as he heads to the parking lot, grabbing his bag on the way out.

Every year before soccer season begins, Chase has everyone over. We talk about what we're going to do this year as a team, what teams are looking the best, what teams we know we can easily take, who should play where for specific games. All of it. We're all very invested in this team and when soccer season is underway, we get together before every game, carb load and pump each other up.

We're a family.

And for Chris to actually miss this, it's kind of mind blowing.

Because once, he missed his cousin's birthday party celebration to be with the team and it didn't even seem like this big deal to him.

Fuck.

I don't want to be this guy.

But before I know it, I'm grabbing my bag, running out of the locker room and booking it to the car.

I make it there in time to see Chris barely pulling out and I start the car so fast, I don't even look to see if there's anyone walking behind me. Thankfully there wasn't and I was able to follow Chris right out of the parking lot. But I kept my distance, was in the lane beside him so he wouldn't see me in his rearview mirror and followed him to see exactly where he was going.

He stopped for gas so that made things a little tricky, but his red car is easy to spot from a mile away so as soon as he was done, I continued.

Fuuuuck.

Two miles later, he drove onto the 1-225 S ramp, which is the opposite of Castle Pine.

I had no time to think that I followed him on there. Wanna know my saving grace? That I'm in my FUCKING COUSINS CAR TODAY.

Which is why I felt better about following him.

And then I'm on the 1-25 N, driving for 9.4 miles wondering where the hell he's going and what he's doing.

This is so not good.

I shouldn't be doing this. This guy is my best friend. I shouldn't be trying to catch him in a lie, whatever kind of lie it is. I should just leave it alone and pray for the best, but I'm in too deep now and I can't stop. I fucking can't.

He got off the freeway so I did, too, and after a few more miles, I realized exactly where he was going: West High School.

What the fuck is he going to this school for?

I don't get it.

He drives to the front of the school and then makes a u-turn to be in front. I park on the corner and I can still see exactly what he's doing.

School's out already. There are cars driving by sparingly.

After a minute or so, a blonde haired girl comes out through the gates, waves towards Chris' car and get in.

Fuck.

I'm not close enough to see if they actually kissed, but she leaned in.

As he drives away, I quickly bend down so he won't see me since I'm facing his direction. And once they're long gone, I sit in my car for a moment.

I cannot believe this.

I mean, I can believe it with how shady he's been. The text from Cara. The lying about hanging with his cousin. About going to dinner. Other things. It's just too much for me to take in right now. I have proof. He picked up a girl and they kissed hello.

After a few moments, I put my car in drive and head home.

Fuck this.

There's only one person I trust completely with the in and outs of my unrequited love for Gabriella.

Emma Bolton.

My beautiful, smart, secret keeping cousin.

I have really great friends and the best parents and the best little sister, but Emma is on another level with me. We just get each other and we confide in each other about everything and anything and it's nice having one person I can share absolutely everything with.

Because if I kept this secret to myself, I'm sure I'd explode at some point.

"Are you positive?"

"Yes," I groan for the 10th time, "absolutely, one hundred percent positive I saw him picking a girl up and it looked like they kissed."

"You don't want to spread false information around."

I look at her like she's crazy. "I'm not spreading this information around, are you crazy?"

Emma looked confused.

"Wait," she holds her hand up as she puts her pencil down, "you thought Chris was being shady, these texts, these lies, whatever, and then you followed him and got actual proof he's cheating and you're not going to tell Gabriella about it? Really, you're just going to let her suffer in a relationship?"

"She's not suffering, Em, don't be so dramatic," I tell her.

"Well, she has the right to know. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you?"

"Maybe."

She shakes her head, "maybe you should call Chris out first. It'll cause a fight, but tell him you know and see what it does."

There's no winning here.

I tell her, she's pissed and devastated. I don't tell her and I let her go on being a fool, having a boyfriend who's going behind her back. I mean, there's no winning here at all. And I don't know what to fucking do. This is information I don't want.

"Troy, you love this girl. You should tell her."

Love her.

At least I think I love her. Which is so fucking crazy every time Emma brings it up or I think about it.

How can I love her when we're just friends? When she doesn't see me that way? When she has a fucking boyfriend who's my FRIEND!?

It's all fucking insane.

"Em, I don't know if I can do it. I want to. I want more than anything to tell her and have her know, but what good does that do for me? I mean, it doesn't mean I can all of a sudden be with her. Yes, I'd do it for her own good, wanting nothing in return, but it'd be a fucking lie if I said it'd be easier to just forget about her when she's still with Chris than when she's not."

"Seriously? You'd want her to stay with Chris so it would make it easier on you to not make a move even when he's cheating on her? Are you kidding me?"

It sounds insane, I know it does.

But fuck.

I don't know what to do, think, say, anything.

I've always admired her from afar, hoping one day, maybe, just maybe she'd confess her love to me, Chris would be one hundred percent okay with it and we'd live happily ever after. But that's a wild fantasy that is never going to fucking happen.

"I don't know, Em."

"It's a fucked up situation to be in, I get it, but think of yourself for once."

"Think of myself?" I let out a laugh, "I fucking am thinking of myself! It'll never happen. He's my best friend, she's my friend and I just..."

"You're scared. And that's okay."

I am scared. Terrified, actually. I hate this whole thing.

Emma takes a deep breath and gives me a small smile. "You know what's so great about you? That you put everyone before you. You'd rather have everyone around you happy if it means you're miserable. And I know you're not miserable, but you want the girl so bad. and that's not a bad thing you know, wanting a girl and feeling like you're going against your friend. Sure, it is, but you shouldn't feel like the worst person to exist."

"It'll just never happen," I remind her, "who am I to go in and throw her for a loop?"

"Fine, don't tell her about your feelings, but I think she definitely has a right to know her boyfriend is cheating on her. I'd like to knw."

"Really, you would?"

Emma shrugs, "I would like to think so."

But most people don't want to know. They think they do, but they don't. I don't know if Gabriella is any different.

"I think I'm just going to keep it to myself for a bit, talk to Chris."

"Yes."

I can't do this anymore. It's making me go crazy.

So fucking crazy.